Friday, September 12, 2008
9/12/2008 01:53:00 PM
haha...Cliff's back for another entry. after about one month?....wait. let me start this blog the way i wanted too...
haha...Cliff's back for another entry, whether you like it or not...don't read if you dont =P
haha..thats the way i wanted to start it....start of university, start of a new phase in my life...
not only to start with my studies pursuit again, but to start with the impact i want to make in university...i guess, i discussed it with my friend, its called something like "Hillsongs on Campus"...i mean, thats not what its gonna be called, but its an imagery, get it?
bit skeptical about him and all those that i hope to do this with, but i know...i know clearly these people have strong desires to serve God and some may even be more serious about this than me....okay..i wont say that, considering i dont believe many of them have dreams like me...because i guess to have dreams like that, its irrational, but belief is irrational anyways...so ya...i'll choose to be irrational, as i've always been...
but yeah...gonna help in the worship team for some christian unity prayer night on the 25th on campus...whether it be drums, guitar or vocals... or even just the little things of helping out wherever they need me...
guess if you are questioning why we christians(at least the serious ones) are so passionate about Serving God..is because if you really come to know Jesus, you cant help but love Him. If you love Him, you will definitely want to serve Him..its au naturel. and if you dont serve him, maybe its because you dont really love Him. If you dont love Him, most likely you have not come to known him, at least properly..trust me, thats true..
its funny how in life, its like you did something wrong, but you do it over and over again. its so funny...like you know its wrong, but u cant help doing it wrong and wrong again as if you've never done it b4 and never knew it would go wrong...but i guess, thats my love with this girl...
but sometimes u know, the best love u can provide is to let go, especially when there's no happiness in it, there's no purpose to go on. and if u love someone, u want to see them happy, even if its not with you...thats really true. but how many of us can do that? people in general are selfish. and our beliefs that things will be all possible with love, causes us not to let go, and some of us, stupidly think that no matter what happens, u want to keep trying. thats true...to a certain extent. because thats true when its like maybe parent's objection, but u two really love each other, the relationship benefits both of u, and builds u two, u know u guys only feel HAPPINESS with each other. but what if u really love each other, and thats all? the relationships ruins u two, its mindblowing, it breaks both of u two down, nothing u guys talk about makes sense totally to each other, other than stuff that each other know less about. and what if as a guy, u cant give the HAPPINESS you want to to that girl? what would u choose to do?
its not like you never tried, u tried like 200%, and sometimes 50% already satisfies certain girls u've been with, but its been 200% for this girl and she just doesnt feel it at all, in fact, she thinks u dont love her at all. she doesnt trust u, when even friendships are supposed to be based on trust. i know i'm not one for girls to trust, after all i did...but i guess if there's no starting trust at all to begin with, there's no purpose for a relationship or even a friendship, its gonna break down everytime something small happens to complicate matters just abit..
i gave up my MCP personality for this relationship, even when i'm not like even near 50% true MCP...i just like to be respected as a guy. thats all. and i insist girls should be cared for and taken cared much more than guys. but whats wrong with that..respect comes with everything, without respect, trust me, u will never work well with Cliff. because i dont care about age, or anything at all, as long as u dont have respect, i dont care if ur the president or even whatever, you're not getting any from me either.
even saying sorry when there's no need for it and its obviously the girl's fault. but things are not supposed to be like that, no equality in the relationship. even when there's like been alot of love on ur part thru the years, that doesnt mean u love more than i do in a relationship.
but all i can say is, i've concluded again and again..."this is the day..that i'm making my defection, that i claim back my affection that you stole from me..." Clay Aiken's "No more sad Songs"...
i've concluded that we're not meant to be, and we only end in disaster. to save the world from this and both of us from being more complicated, i dont know how i'm gonna do this, but i know, i'm giving up everything i had of you...i put my heart into this this very time, only to get my heart broken and to only know that all my numbness was worth it all these years, because as much as u say u love me, how much u do and stuff, i know u love me, and do very irrational and crazy things, but i dont agree with them. and i dont agree just because of that, ur love has been stronger.
and proof is i'll give u up..even as much as i'll hurt if i see u with someone else...i know i only want to see u happy. and obviously, u dont feel it with me. and u never are satisfied with whatever i do and as much as i try, u always have something to say. maybe it will teach u something or two about treasuring stuff that was yours and not complaining and always asking for more than what is given. and not being able to see the gift of "The best i could give" and "all i have to give"....
i still thank you for going thru the years with me...really pursuing this love with me...but i guess God has come straight up and said NO obivously this time. and i know that...i cry, like i cant breathe, only because i really wished we worked out. but u urself know, we dont, we cant, we never did. other than u pretending to accept everything and pretending to be someone else and listen to my advices about how u should behave to keep this relationship going. but i know this is not u are, and i dont want u and me to lose our individualism. maybe like what my friend said, as much as i dont want to admit, but i guess both of us are too immature to handle a relationship.
i've come to realise that as much as i want to do things well, in love...i'm a sucker. either i put too much in it and get super duper hurt. or else i dont put in anything, and get nothing out of it. as much as i want to say that i rather get hurt and rejected than not do anything for love, i actually choose the opposite..but i guess maybe i've never really truly loved b4. or like another friend and my mum said, i'm still young and got loads of time to discover what i really want in a girl. rather than going from girl to girl, finding out that, maybe i love someone more than she is. or like someone else when i love her.
i dont know whether thats natural, but i still tend to like other girls when i'm in love...maybe i'm not sure what i want either. maybe i'm still growing hormones and stuff, haha. of course i am...but like they said, guys will be guys...maybe sometimes i'm denying myself of my sexuality and that i'm a guy after all...but i'm still open about it...
okay..i will just end off the blog with a few stuff i've learnt from my classes ever since.
wait..b4 i end off, just an update, majoring in Psychology and Philosophy. taking English courses and Sociology on the side, really love all these courses. like learning all the subjects i've been interested in all my life. like subconsciously i've been pursuing my education in these stuff daily too. like behaviourism in psychology, theories in philosophy, interpretations and deep thinkings involved in english and literature and "how the world actually works" in sociology.
its just funny how these all the only courses i really like in university, took a course in BIO, dropped it after the first class. went thru an hour of how the world was made and the history and scientific stuff about stars, and i felt it was the hour i wasted most in my whole life. learning about BIG BANG, its not that i'm not open about hearing other people's description of the earth, but i just think science can be quite stupid sometimes, in fact most of the time, other than in psychology. how the brain works and stuff.
i know how first year in university is like shopping for ur interest, but i believe in already knowing roughly what u want, rather than coming to university like "i'm not sure what i want...lets see what other people are taking..okay..i'll go with u for that"...thats stupid...i despise pple like that. the world needs more pple that do things they really love. okay i know my parents will be all against me saying that passion and ur job go on the same line...but i dont care, i believe in living life with ur passion. one that believes in the "follow ur heart" theory. even if life is not gonna be easy that way, but i dont want to go thru life knowing that i wanted to do something else so much more...life is only once, do what u like...dont regret, pursue what you love. you dont have to care what people said. follow your heart. and follow your beliefs and desire, whether they're rational or what.
"belief is not rational, because its believing in something u are not guaranteed of achieving, and its mostly not visible and not within reach at that moment..because once u achieve it, its not a dream anymore. its a reality"....
"if you dont have that choice, you cant make that choice....so keep your options open and make your choices widened for u to choose from..."
"sometimes learning, means u have to divorce your self from the case, and be open about hearing what people have to say...but be firm on what you believe"...
okay...i made those up. mostly not learnt from the books, i mean its not important for the tests or considered notes of the class...but i think its good to learn from since i felt that way when i went to the classes and how education was taught...
pen off...
yellowcard
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
8/13/2008 03:57:00 PM
hey guys, back for another entry. its like the middle of the nights. 4am here. for those in singapore, its your 4pm. just felt like blogging. couldnt get to sleep. alot of things on my mind, not that i'm confused or frustrated or burdened or problematic, but just feel like typing stuff, i like writing my thoughts down, its just like getting stuff that have been stuck in my mind for so long. sometimes talk it out to someone, but some stuff, i just can only tell you, my blog.
haha. thats really ironic right? telling my blog, is like telling everyone, i know, or dont even know. talk about privacy, but when i write on my blog, i just air everything out, i dont care who sees it. but i just feel like its my own space. and i just feel like i'm okay saying out things here.
at the same time while writing, hearing my blog's playlist, wondering how its like for pple to read my blog and actually hear these psychedelic rock or christian music. yeah. i'm a weirdo, but yeah...i just think alot and wonder alot about how certain pple feel and stuff. guess thats why my interest in psychology and examining pple's behaviour on a regular basis.
its just funny how pple tend to think about stuff they regretted not doing, not like major regrets that pple say like "dont regret anything in life" those type of regrets. but more like stuff u knew u should have said something to. like someone saying stuff that you dont like, or stuff that is against you, but at the point, u just let it go by. although most of the time, its better to be silent and its better to just let the person feel stupid by not replying them at all. but ya, sometimes u just wish u said something. something courageous, something to show you're not to be messed with, but i guess its over, and there must have been a reason u kept quiet, either because u didnt bother to argue, or because it didnt matter what those particular pple said, because they dont matter to you.
just a little update about my life, i'm working at a GUESS outlet shop now. its really doing very well, it just opened like two weeks ago, the targets the shop has had ever since, have been crushed by us, we always doubled it, the shop has got 2nd ranking for a retail shop, not just the brand GUESS, in the whole Canada last weekend. yeah, being a sales associate there is crazy sometimes, its really busy. and it gets me tired up quite well. but i'm not complaining, i need to find something to do, and earn some money at the same time. and occupy my time. have friends here, but not enough to spend all my days wisely. on OFF days i either slack at home, or occasionally have outings with certain friends. due to my character now, i think i wont be able to find really close friends. i guess its just a phase.
ever since everything that has happened, i'm trying to pick myself up again. as if i didnt have low confidence b4, but now i'm starting from zero again. really admire pple that are courageous and really confident of themselves. i may appear to be at times, but yeah, i'm a sucker at confidence. as strong as i try to put up a front, i'm still really weak on the inside. and i believe a new beginning will do the trick for me, a new beginning, i pray that God will build me stronger than before.
lost trust in people in general. and have lost the "group" personality i used to have. i dont work well in groups now. in fact, i have even problems working well with a few pple now. i only work well by myself now. loner or "in my world", up to u to define, but yeah...i guess i just love to keep to myself for now. enjoying time alone and really enjoying my life now, single and just living independently, not willing to rely or trust anyone for anything but God.
another thing i need to work up is my belief in loving pple. its just really true about something. the more u love, the more hurt comes to you. i reckoned that the less u love, the less u get hurt. i'll stay like that for now, cos i cant get hurt anymore. but once i've come back stronger and number to my sensitive self, i believe i'll come back loving, knowing i wont be affected, because i wont care and i wont allow pple to affect how i am.
i somehow come to believe "love was meant for everyone but me". not love in general. but love as in relationships. cant handle it, girls i'm with, are either unsatisfied or dump me in the end. not talking about the 10% that end up on the "i mistook you for someone else" list. and since i've found out that girls end up only becoming hurt with me, i've chosen the road of singlehood. its good for me and good for you. as much as i like girls, i guess i cant bring myself to hurt them anymore too. if i seem to be a heartbreaker due to my past, i rather not love again.
guess i'm a "runner' as in i run away from relationships everytime i find myself in it, its not because i didnt consider the consequences of being attached, its just that when sometimes u fall, u fall too deep, and then u found out u have commitment problems. mainly because the first few relationships u had, u committed too much, to only find out, the more u commit, the more u get hurt.
i guess most of u have heard the stuff about the one that loves more, ends up getting hurt the most. and that there should be a balance. i dont know. i dont believe in this balance. and if that person is gonna love very little, i'm gonna love lesser. and yeah, i'm just talking about love relationships, not loving people in general.
but i guess my love for God and Music is really good enough to keep me crazily in love. haha...
"Jesus paid much too high a price, for us to pick and choose who should come..."
haha. just random. i really love that bridge of "if we are the body". just heard it. and you guys out there. Jesus loves you. He loved you b4 u even came to this earth. and He died for you, whether u believe it or not. He really loves you.
so this is like it to hear my blog's songs, firstly all the psychedelic shit that gets ur mind blowing, then the christian music that enlighten and lift u up. so weird...the feeling. but i guess thats the mixture of what Cliff is. loves God but at the same time, i can go really psychologically crazy at times.
and i think i've mastered it, no one really understands me. because firstly, i dont let them. and secondly, i dont want them to. i like my space, i like my privacy. and i'll stay this way. the day i let someone into my life again, and totally into it all(because some of u think u already have), is the day i choose to love in a relationship again. i guess i'll be fine, i cant turn gay, cant stand guys too much. while girls are too attractive not to like. lol...
"you and i were made to worship, you and i were called to love..." so true, so for those of you that think life is meaningless, maybe because your meaning is all about yourself. when it never was. it was about God. it was about living it out for Him. and about others that need your love and need your time and care.
yeah...still have work tomorrow. i'll end with another topic. the most recent phase of my life. a girl i've liked like forever. okay not forever. maybe just three years. but yeah, thats long for a Cliff record. even though there was alot of messy stuff in between, but somehow i still like her. but she was never satisfied no matter how hard i tried. i'm not the normal guy that can love freely, i'm trapped by alot of phobia of loving too deep, getting hurt or rejected. but for her, i've tried and tried. and the amazing thing is no matter how many times we try, we end up at the same point, knowing that somehow God is like saying no, or just making things difficult for us.
even ppl around us, have seen it all. have known that we are going in circles, only to end up with each other again and again and everytime i give up, is because i really want to see her happy. but i cant give her that happiness, i only make her sad, i dont hurt her. only because i want her to leave me, i want her to go away. go find someone that really can love her the way she wants him to. because no matter how hard i try, she doesnt feel any love from me at all. and thats all i have to give.
they always say, there are some stuff that really arent meant to be, no matter how hard u try, it just wasnt urs to begin with. i refuse to cry or be sad about this, but i cant say that i can shuff this out of my mind, because somehow i still do like her. but sometimes loving is about letting go. really if u r reading this, just go k?
and the ironic thing is i've always ignored her and asked her to leave, i admit sometimes i regret and come back. but its because of ur persistence and its because u never let me go b4 and u never gave up on me b4, thats why i could come back. because u allowed me to. i wished many times u would just refuse coming back with me, just to go in circles again.
after all the years, we're still stuck in this, i know you're hurting bad. but really, try to date someone else. i may be stuck, but i want u to go on. i've been stuck ever since i dont even know when. i dont even know when i started believing in not falling too deep and not loving with all i have anymore.
and this time u already said the words, the words that hurt so badly, i couldnt take it any longer. that u wanted me to let u go. asked me to let u go. when thats all i've been doing all the while. but u've been holding on, and now ur blaming me for not letting go, trust me, i'll let go this time. because "whats meant to be is meant to be, what isnt was never yours to begin with"...thats what i believe in.
as much as i want to believe i can love someone else, ever since i liked u, i've never been with another girl without thinking constantly about u. dont listen to other pple about what they say about me cheating ur feelings and bluffing u that i love u. but if there's one last thing i can do for u now, that is letting u go. because like the rest, i dont want to see u hurt by me once more. i've seen enough.
pen off.
yellowcard
Saturday, July 19, 2008
7/19/2008 12:03:00 PM
hey guys. satisfying the needs of pple that actually read my blog and say my frequency of blog entries is pathetic. i say again, my blog here is not for daily updates about what i did today, whose my gf, what i'll do later, and just, not a diary like the rest. mine is ultimately, really, what i have to say. and if what i have to say on one day, is talk in details about my life events that ACTUALLY happened today, it will sound like other blogs, just for that once. but i guess it wont happen. because i leave out a lot of details and really prefer to have my own privacy about stuff.
i just realise something about my life, okay, my love life at least...i never dare to step into relationships proper, i ALWAYS thought it was because i dont like the commitment, i dont like to report to someone at the end of the day(neither to my mum, or whoever..which causes alot of problem to pple i stay with), i dont like just having one girl, and i dont like not having freedom and feeling tied down. but in fact, i guess those are just very minor things, that when it comes to real love(if it ever happened before), those stuff dont matter. but what i just realised, its great to self-discover yourself, its not easy, and the more u think u know yourself, the more u actually dont. its a lifetime discovery thing, its a process, not something u can fully grasp.
yeah, talking back to this realisation...i realised it aint any of those crap, in fact, thats what i really want to talk about today, i wont summarise it in a sentence, thats underestimating the issue, and saying i've fully understood the whole thing, but no...lets make it like a discussion, slowly talking and slowly understanding more about it, to only know there's more to it, than meets the eye. lol...life, thats it...the more u think u know it, the more u dont know it, because its more than u think it is..thats why ur given a life, not days or months. i promise i'll be honest, but i cant promise i wont leave out stuff, like i always do. =P
i realised, that the reason i dont dare to step into another relationship...its because i've not gotten over the previous one, and that i've not recovered from the previous one...WAIT! b4 u losers come to a conclusion too fast, like u guys always do..humans, what can i say...its the deception that the previous one told u, ur not worthy of another one. what if u just end up like the previous one...why do u think u improved? why do u think u changed? who told u this is different from the previous one?...who told u u wont HURT this one like HURT the last one?..these words always go through my mind.
and its easy to say, wont lar...it wont happen that way..i've learnt from my mistakes. but there's always this saying of other pple that hurts u alot and affect u alot, especially when they knew about ur last one, they just tell the new one, how u treated the last one, and because they come to a conclusion too fast about stuff, make up a story about u and the last one, was not clarified by you, or even more hiliariously, they dont even have a relationship established with u proper...so this story continues with every next gf u have, and yeah..they use the same mindset to think of u the way u used to be, not who u are now, not who u r trying not to be, but who u were, and who u will always be.
and as much as u want to prove it to them, u never can...because somehow something terrible happens, circumstances happen, u know u and this girl dont work out..sometimes u choose to wait awhile b4 breaking off, sometimes u want to break off, but ur so scared, knowing how pple will come to the girl and say "i told u he was like that"...or coming to u "u have not changed"...and yeah...and my somebody, "its because ur mindset never gave me a chance to change. u make up stories, thinking u know everything!, when actually, ur just a casual friend of mine, that firstly, ur relationship with me, didnt start a trust. secondly, u listen to everyone but me about the situation, and thirdly, u stereotype my b4 even knowing me"...
and yeah....my greatest discovery is these two things...hurting someone is harder than to be hurt...u know sometimes i rather be the one that gets hurt? its so much easier...u get sympathy from pple, u dont get guilt in urself.
second, accepting someone is so much easier than rejecting someone.
okay...three things. and moving on after being DUMPED IS EASIER THAN BEING THE ONE THAT DUMPED THE OTHER PERSON...
contradicting stuff like this, u'll be like "WHAT?"...these dont make the least sense..but i guess so in a while..if u hear me out about stuff before like you go like "yeah right Cliff, just for u"..
starting with the first one...hurting someone is harder than to be hurt. like i said, when u get hurt, pple come to u, they give sympathy, they listen to u...they like "Aww...ur such a nice person..dont worry...its his loss or whatever..and the thing about "there's a forest out there, dont give up just because of one tree" rubbish"...
and what does the person that hurt someone else get "u r wrong..how can u hurt him or her so badly"...okay. its just "her" for me in case some pple think i'm BI...and no matter what the case was, u r WRONG. period. there's no explanation for it. they will say as much as they want about "oh..at least u hurt her once u knew it, its better earlier than later". but in their eyes, ur just a heartbreaker. no matter what ur reasons were for not wanting to be with that someone. unless they are rational and think for awhile "oh..u dont like her?..thats why i guess"...and u can give me the whole talk about "u gave the wrong signs to pple". true, sometimes that true. but most of the time, it doesnt need wrong signs or misleading pple to get them to like u. and thats sucks..
and what hurting someone else does to me? it makes me cry. okay, maybe i cry alot. maybe sometimes i get emotional very easily, as much as i put a strong front, but definitely, i know what it feels to be rejected. and i didnt like the feeling when i was young, those two times i got rejected, it was enough for me manz...i can tell u, i wont even want to go into detail with u now...the shame, the pride-hurting, the embarassment, the heartbreaking, etc etc...it sucked...i know what its like, thats why i hate it when pple i dont like, like me.
i do go to some certain extents to take care of such pple, and try to make their dreams come true, but i know i cant. i cant be the one for them. to me, sometimes i dont care abt my own feelings, i rather pple get what they want. and sometimes, thats what hurts pple the most, when i snap out of it and know there's no love on my side for it.
and secondly, accepting is much more easier than rejecting. rejecting makes u feel like u hurt someone so badly. its almost like the first point, but what i want to say is that accepting is so much easier. because u know u made someone happy, while rejecting, u know u hurt someone badly. that actually loves u. that actually knows what love is...
and dumping, when u dump someone, its easier to move for the person that got dumped, their mindset is like "hey, i know i put my heart into this", pple will come to them, help them up, and tell them the "there are better guys out there, its his loss" shit...and u know u tried ur best to love that person, even when u tell the next person u love, the person respects ur love u showed for the other one. and really, u can really put down stuff, other than getting over the hurt. but...
dumping someone, u never thought about how hard it is to move on, u know u dumped someone, the guilt is forever in u, u know u made a mistake, u know maybe u never knew the meaning of love, to you, pple come to u, shout at u about how u hurt that girl, how u shouldnt have broken up, or should have knew it earlier. but come on, if i knew it earlier, u think i would have waited this long to break up?...
some pple just think "u should have considered that b4 the relationship started". its not that easy manz. or why do pple wait a few years b4 they actually break up sometimes? sometimes, u will never know as friends. while casual dating is wrong. and i dont agree with the "since u make a decision to be with her, stick to it". unless ur married. its not that once i see problems, i break up straight, i do persist, i only break up when i know i cant take it anymore. come on, i have love on my side too. i love that person too, why would i give up just because i kknow there's a small prob. sometimes i even break up, wishing we could've worked out.
i just duno, its not as easy as it seems.
my mind is real dead, had a whole day of going downtown with my guy friend. once in a week. shopping can tire u out manz. i wanted to talk about this clearly, either my mind is dead, or i'm not sure what i'm saying either. thanks for getting so far.
my main point is just that its hard to move on, knowing u hurt someone in the past. as much as u dont want to accept pple's saying of u to be a "playboy" or someone that doesnt understand love, sometimes u struggle with such comments so much with not wanting to accept, just like accepting someone, its really easier to accept. as much as u know u wont do the same thing again, but as much as u love someone new as much, u know u dont want to bring her through such pain.
pen off.
yellowcard
Monday, July 14, 2008
7/14/2008 02:57:00 PM
hey guys. a new start, a new beginning. and a random opening to a new blog entry. i dont know what thats for. but i guess it good to start anew everyday. lol.
entering university manz..cant believe it. while i'm blogging here while having holidays, bored i guess. not really, its fun, but yeah. my money management is bad, so i've decided to slack at home most of the time until i get a job. got my resume all sent out a few days, but i guess if i still dont get any replies soon, i'll go for more choices. i guess maybe, i might want to go back to retail. it was not that bad, in fact i liked it. it was fun, other than because the stupid Levi's store in singapore had me working so much, a part timer but worked like a full timer, because they knew i had nothing better to do, after National Service, i guess ya, other than slacking and having fun, i really had nothing better to do. but yeah, its not fun working retail long hours.
on ur feet the whole day, walking back and forth, although my store was a flagship, and was a big one to walk about in, but yeah, u can walk a million times in a day of 12 hours manz. but yeah, its fun giving service to people, as long as they dont give me a hard time. can just remember the last time i had a bad day, which was my last day of work at Levi's, not exactly last day, but i made it my last day, three days before my official "get fired" date. but no, i was not fired, come on, my sales were records even though i was only there for one mth, why would i get fired? they should beg me to stay. part timer - cheap labour and good sales manz..so funny how they came up with a logic that when i came for work, people will start buying more. but yeah, i had an 8 hours session, that i didnt sell a thing. i guess cos it was a weekday morning shift. oh ya, no i didnt sell nothing, it was not $0, i made a sale...i remember i did, before leaving, i finished my work at 5 that day. but i stayed till 5:30 just to nail a deal that i was halfway thru. haha...who wouldnt want a part timer like that manz..
remembered other part timers that just left when the time is up, like even if they are halfway putting back stock or something, they will just leave the clothes wherever, for example, 5pm, they were. the nearest surface or something. but yeah, i guess i either do my best, or i rather not do at all. thats my mentality. its against my principles to do things half-heartedly.
but yeah, wow...i wandered off very far from my point. yeah the last day of work. i attended to this China woman, okay. maybe late 20s. i was nice to her okay. i was real nice, and she was kinda nice too, haha, maybe because she's a slut and there's a guy instead of a girl attending to her in the women's department of the shop. okay, i dont say she's a slut for no reason k? but she really acted and looked like one. she was like wearing super short skirt, those that u can say "never wear also the same" those kind of things. then she was wearing a top. erm, more like a spider web manz. u know those kinda tops that have million holes in it. okay, u dunno. because this is the first time i saw it too. its really like spider web, the "strings" are so thin, u really, dont have to wear that, u can do without it.
and yeah, inside of course bra. i dunno how to explain this to u, but its like wearing a bra, and thinking to urself "thats too little", ahh...i want to show the bra, but i gotta wear a top, lets cut big big holes in it.
okay. and i was nice despite the way i thought of her. she changed in the fitting room, and everytime she opened the door, i looked away. because the way she talked to her other slutty china friend(okay no offence to china pple k, i love u guys.), it was obvious she needed help with putting on the stuff. i mean if u cant fit into the jeans, get a bigger no.!
okay, then she was pondering whether she should alter it, i was so tired, because it was like at 10pm already, and the shop is officially already closed, just that we close up till 1030 or even eleven(on this day) b4 leaving, and they obviously didnt care. they were obviously hitting the clubs, because when they came in, they were like "its okay, its still early, lets shop first". sluts.
then she asked me whether she should alter, of course i was like "erm..nayz...i think it looks fine". i almost tricked her into it, because obviously i didnt want to alter for her, i wanted to go home manz. just buy it and leave manz!
but she looked a few more times, she was like "i guess i should, i dont want to come back for it". and for ur info, mainland chinese that come to this shop, are rich. they just pick up stuff, and leave wearing it. but obviously, no sense of style, because everytime on them, is Levi's. but i guess we couldnt care less, we're earning manz..
then i took the measurements, trying not to look at inappropriate body parts or whatever. and not get too near to her. i had to be at the feet of a slut, what a humbling situation. =X then ya. guess what mistake i made, when i finally finished it and nailed the deal. i messed up which jeans was which jeans. i mean, i wouldnt care if i were her, but i said it aloud while looking at both of them "which one was it again?" and i directed the question at her, obviously i was tired. then she was like "are u new here? why u so messy one." and yeah. that hit me like hard, because it was at the counter, and every other colleague was there, and she shouted in my face. i didnt know what to say, my friend just asked me to let him handle it. i was like "what?", after all i did. for ur info, the sales records are recorded for part timers, but are not important, only to me and my pride i guess.
and yeah, that night...guess what..i was at the club too. not the same one. in fact a pub, was trying to find time to hang out with my cousins. but i was feeling real down. emotionally down too with everything happening in my life then, i was at the clubs almost like twice a week. mostly by myself, even though i knew pple there. but i didnt bother to find them. and ya, that day. i hate beer for ur info, and i gulped it like water(okay faster than water, i dont drink water fast)...i dont get drunk on liquor that fast, but beer, because i hate it, two beer cups(the big ones), i'm almost there manz. and i had more than that that day, about two jugs. i know marcus was like shocked and he asked me to stop. but i didnt care.
yeah. the next thing, i'm on the dance floor(even though i usually was) and dancing with a hooker. i didnt even know actually, but i decent danced with her. but she came on me real hard. and later when i was drunk-ed out, i sat outside the pub by the streets, puking in the drain, and she was sitting on me. asking me for money. i was like "no way...i just wanted to be friends. i didnt even do anything". but yeah, it was like a friendship, but she obviously gave me the "waste of my time" look after i said that when she said "i come from philippines, i come here to earn money...can u give me some"...haha. come on, ur on me, u should give me some.. lol... my fav phrase when hookers come on me, and start touching me or something, i'll be like "erm...if u continue, i think u gotta pay me" haha...
no way i'm paying for a girls' services just because she touched me manz. intimacy is more like something i want to earn, and closeness and mutual understanding of the limits, should be whats it about. not earn thru paying for it. thats saying i need to pay for it?...no way...at least thats my opinion of it.
okay. got carried away again. and that day, the worse thing that happened..was me on the bar counter, taking over the pole dance role of the pole dancer there. okay. no further details about that night. thats the last time i'm getting that drunk in a bar.
haha. thats for u tommy, to think b4 the night started, u were like "Cliff, u come to this kind of place ar? i didnt know..."...yeah and i'm an experienced pole dancer too. =X lol...and for u losers that dunno who marcus and tommy are. they are my closest cousins including my female cousin Priscilla, that i officially declare are one of the people i care about and love the most in the world.
okay. see how i write my blog entry, i have no idea what i want to start with, or maybe i do, but later i find something more interesting i want to talk about. thats my blog for u guys manz. saying again, what i want to say, maybe not what u want to hear, but if its not, u see the top right corner of the internet explorer or firefox, etc u r using. or left hand corner for u mac pple(if i'm not wrong), the red cross is right there for yea to click.
okay. drifting back to the start. entering university. university of toronto. my so-called "dream school". but not really, just what i wanted to enter all along. but if there was a dream sch, it'll be called "rock school" or "music school". =P
but yeah. entering wanting to take psych and philosophy as double majors. considering wanting to choose Criminology as one of them, choosing three, and seeing which two i love better.
because b4 i go into music and stuff, i'm really intending to become a cop. i guess i still like the rank system thingy. but not army. i know u guys are like, becoming a cop, doesnt need u to know these stuff exactly. i know, but since a degree is needed for everyone to make it in the real world today, and will help me climb up the ranks faster, why not do stuff i really have interest in? Cops need brains too k? even though studies /= being smart. haha. thats nice. put = and / together. get "not equal to". for those that are slow, get a pen and paper, write those one over another. and for those that do not know that symbol "give up"..
okay. enough crap on my blog.
pen off.
yellowcard
Monday, June 02, 2008
6/02/2008 03:52:00 AM
hey guys, i guess i owe an official apology to all of u including her...
not because i felt i wrote something wrong, but because i feel that i didnt write something u guys want to read...
i'm sorry that this blog isnt about what pple want to hear but its about what i want to say, and my honest feelings about every matter. if u know me, u know Cliff only tells the truth, only the hard cold truth. and if u want the truth, thats when u come to this blog. because its my blog, its not urs. and if u dont like it, dont read it. what are u wasting ur time on trying to understand what i have to read, when u dont bother to come and understand me urself, dont bother to talk to me urself, dont bother to establish a proper relationship that is based on TRUST by urself. and instead, u hear what pple have to say, spread stuff about what u think its about, without trying to hear what i have to say. and this is what i have to say, if u think "oh, so Cliff is like that"...i apologise again, maybe u never really understood me.
so i hope those that dont really care, should stop reading this by ABOUT NOW. dont waste ur time. and if u plan to waste ur time, then dont come to conclusions too fast.
i guess what i want to talk about, seemingly is the hot topic on my blog recently. its called SUICIDE. stupid topic. but i dont mind air-ing my views about it. and those that want to go to law or the court about me talking about such stuff. hmmm...on what basis? but do u know what u can go to law about? abuse of drugs, committing suicide or even attempting suicide is enough to say that a law suit can be filed. at least in my case, because both seems to be stupid acts of things pple do when they dont know how to appreciate their lives. i thought it was a secondary sch thingy that pple slit their wrists and stuff, apparently, no!...guess what? the older and suppposedly, more mature pple do it too.
i wouldnt say christians do it, but i guess some do. maybe because they dont really know what they believe in. Living for God. ur life is not ur own, when u think its ur own, then u are corrupting what God planned for u, and taking it into ur own hands, and dont blame anyone then when things go wrong, and things get screwed up.
and apparently, there are more stupid pple that pity pple that want to commit suicide. these pple dont need ur sympathy, what they need is a WAKEUP CALL. and the true meaning of LIFE.
i'm talking about suicide here, because its so stupid with all the stuff happening in the world. pple have lives taken away from them in earthquakes and tsunamis, and there are pple begging to hold onto their lives when that happens. but if only then do they understand how much they should appreciate their lives, its too late. and the phrase if used in this situation is brutal. "u only learn to appreciate things when u lose them". its really too late, u've lost ur life.
and here u are giving away ur lives, when u easily can use ur life to help others save their lives, going out into the world to save the lost, isnt that what we christians are suppose to do? and i think its TERRIBLY selfish to commit suicide, with the knowledge of salvation. u have the blessing of God's grace upon u, u've heard the good news, and now u r not going to continue to pass it on, and instead, u not only run away from the world, but u take that precious gift with u, without understanding what it really meant to be saved and to CREATED FOR A REASON.
even without putting christianity in the context, u can have goals like volunteering to help stuff like the earthquakes and stuff. working to earn money to salvage such pple and help them start their lives again. but u choose not to help them, but end ur own life. not only not offering help, but saying that the LIFE they are holding onto no matter what they've been through, the hope they have in life, means nothing to you.
picture this. A scientist creating a robot for the usage of maybe, pathetically, just taking up space and sadly, just someone that is there so that the scientist feels like someone is around. the only thing the robot can do is just say Hi everytime it feels the scientist's presence in this place. okay thats pathetic but yeah, u dont see how much it means for the scientist to just feel acknowledged. what seems small to u, can be alot to a lonely scientist. but thats besides the point.
instead of serving its purpose, the robot stops saying Hi, choose to self Destruct by banging himself against the wall or something, does not acknowledge his purpose and just self-destructs. how would this scientist feel? he made him with effort, and he made him to serve a purpose, but it didnt recognise its worth and its purpose, but instead, self-destructed. i think this scientist would feel very sad about it.
okay, a very stupid story, but how about this story, someone called God. high above. uses 6 days just to make everything in the world, perfectly suited for the creation of all time - men. and women of course. He knew every one of them to the number of hairs they had on their head. had great plans for them. but they disobeyed Him. He must have felt sad, but somehow He still offered His only son for them. going thru everything of the crucifixion(read about it, i dont think any of u would want to go thru it). all of that, for you. just to save you. and now, ur response is that u dont want ur life. no matter for what reason.
if u think ur life serves no purpose, its because u are not seeking it and u've not found it.
if u think ur life is sucky, think about those in Sichuan, and count your blessings.
if u think ur life is screwed up, do something about it. maybe because you're holding too much by urself. it wasnt meant to be that way. the bible says only with God, do we become perfect. maybe its because u should submit to higher authority, because ur not worthy of this life anyways.
no matter what happens in ur life, know u didnt deserve to live in the first place, and know that God only allows it to happen for a reason.
and if u think ur life is meaningless because u just broke up with ur bf, because ur life is based on it, because ur happiness is based on it, because ur life is so screwed up, only relying on him, do u feel fulfilled, when you have God in ur life, and that is what u should base ur happiness on, base ur life on, and what fulfills u. ur pathetic. again, ur not counting ur blessings, either that, or u need to get ur life together.
but ya, through every thing that happens in ur life, u can see which are ur true friends, while u can figure out which are there when things go well, but when things go bad, they turn their backs on u. or maybe u thought they were your friends. but to them, u werent anything.
i really believe friendship itself is based on trust, trusting that no matter what the other does, u will always be beside him/her, even if they are wrong, u will go through it with them, knowing they had a reason for doing things that way. knowing that if anything is needed to be change or something, those are the flaws they have, and accept them the way they r.
but what i dont think friendship is is when u talk behind their backs, u dont come to them to ask for clarifications of things u dont believe they did, but instead, just hear what pple have to say. and come to conclusions like that. what i dont think friendship is or what more brothers in Christ and sisters in Christ are, are those that talk behind ur back, discuss bad things about u, neglect ur good points, encourage others to change their mindsets about u, gossiping about u, not trusting anything u say, say they will support u, but end up leaving u, turning their backs on u.
i dont know. but i live by my own beliefs. my belief of being a friend whenever i can, to anyone. even if they hate me, no matter what they think of me. showing love more to pple that say stuff that are bad about me. choose to love those that pple think are wrong to love. do things pple might think is wrong, but is what i think is right, and keep doing it, because thats my belief.
i dont serve pple or love pple because i'm worthy to do so, none of us are. none of us are worthy of life. but since i'm given the gift of love, and the gift of life, i'm not going to waste it, not going to think i dont deserve it and live in self pity, instead, i'm going to be filled with joy because of the grace that God has given me. i only listen to one person, that is God. and God doesnt teach me to keep quiet when ur religion is insulted, He doesnt teach me to keep silent when my beliefs are insulted, He doesnt teach me to please pple for everything i do, and He absolutely, doesnt teach me to waste my life and live it in vain. i'll do whatever i can to protect my beliefs. and committing suicide as a christian, i'm totally against it.
its my fault for promising u everything when i was in a relationship with u, its my fault for making u feel life is better just because u r with me, its my fault to make u think i'm going all the way to marriage in the relationship, its my fault that i cant accept the age gap, its my fault for not doing proper closure in the relationship. i admit everything to the relationship, i admit its my fault and i owe u an apology. but what i do not admit, and what triggered off this bomb that is going off in my blog is this, ITS NOT MY FAULT U ARE ATTEMPTING SUICIDE ON MY CASE. AND ITS NOT MY FAULT U DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT AND HOW TO APPRECIATE LIFE. AND ITS NOT MY FAULT IN FINAL, FOR EVERYTHING U ARE DOING THAT I DONT AGREE WITH PRIOR TO THE BREAKUP. and i wont allow silence in myself without a say in this issue. especially when ur a christian. and supposedly a devoted one.
i've said my part, i promise not to talk about this anymore. its enough on my nerves to continue bragging about it. and its ur life, i've said my part and i've done my part. if u think i should be compassionate and nice like the rest and say "oh, poor thing..dont live ur life that way"..ur wrong, what u need is not that, its a real hard wakeup call. that i hope gets to ur head.
i dont really care what pple say, i dont get affected by what pple say. if they plan to make me feel bad, they plan to make me feel guilty of stuff i dont think was wrong, i'm not falling for that. because this is me, thats how i'm different. whether u like it or not.
pen off.
yellowcard
Thursday, May 29, 2008
5/29/2008 02:52:00 PM
haha..its 3am in Canada. and i cant get to sleep. guess what...because some freaking idiot called me in the middle of the night to brag about her "love" for me...after that conversation, i didnt feel guilt, i didnt feel like "wow, she loves me so much"...but instead, i feel "ur love's pathetic..."...
u tell me u attempt suicide on my case? are u trying to seek sympathy or trying to get attention? because i can tell u, u're getting none. even if u turn up on the newspaper the next day on a suicide case or something...in my mind, u will just be labelled as "Stupidity"...
come on, get real, suicide aint that hard, unless God stops u from doing it, or else...i dont think its so easy to fail to commit suicide. stop ur self-pitying. get your life together...
if ur life is based on a relationship, and depends on it, i'm sorry...ur pathetic.
cant help but think...sorry, i just despise girls that depend on guys for a living...if ur life depends on it, u need to getalife...God is what holds ur life together, not me...and if u think somehow i saved it or even helped u get back on track, maybe u thought too highly of me and i can say something, i'm not willing to be that person. i'm not so wei da...God saves, i'm saved.
self-mutilation, retail therapy, drug abuse, self-hate, self-pity...somehow i feel something..yeah maybe its sympathy...because u obviously dont know what ur life is about...a normal person with a goal or at least some common sense or rationality would not have resorted to those kind of things just for a breakup, what more someone with God, someone who has a purpose to live, someone who lives playing the piano for God all the time. do u even kknow what the meaning of "worship" is? to use ur life for Him?...
its true, we're not worthy to live, but if He gave us a chance to, dont try to run away from it, He wont let u off...He has better plans than creating u just to self-destruct...
and somehow u think i broke up with u because of someone else...nayz, i dont need a reason or two to breakup with u. seeing the way u handle things on a breakup, its a BIG enough reason to say, i dont want such a relationship.
u tell me u learn stuff from me about God and learn stuff from me about how to appreciate ur life and everything, but let me tell u, if it wasnt for God, i wouldnt know it too. and if it wasnt for God, i wouldnt be like that at all. i would be a dumbass that thinks i know everything, but doesnt actually, but i guess thats how majority of pple are in the world today.
so if u are jumping thru the authority system and thinking i'm somehow a miracle in ur life that puts everything together, i'm sorry, get ur life together...ur happiness shouldnt be based on that. the world and its things will change, and ur happiness will always change if u base urself upon something of the world. even me..
and screw u if u think being seven years older aint big enough a reason for me to choose to breakup...i'm not gonna marry u at the age of me being 27 to find out that u have only one year left for me to have to make u pregnant and give u a baby. and yeah, screw u again if u saying that old phrase of "aiya..if its God's will, its okay not to have one"...u love babies, and i somewhat love them to a certain extent, and i'm saying...i want one...but i'm not a baby fertiliser, i dont want an alarm clock that tells me i've to marry by what age because my other half is getting old.
and yeah...to think abt it, its pathetic that u are seven years older and u dont act ur age. u may think ur a little girl and u might think u have looks of a little girl, but too bad, it shows on ur skin, it shows thru ur wrinkles and it shows definitely through the energy u have, that u r getting old...and to have a 7 years younger bf to take care of u, thats pathetic. and a 7 years younger bf to teach u how to appreciate life on ur part, thats pathetic. and what more? having a 7 years younger bf to take charge of everything while u sit there helplessly, thats more pathetic.
really. get ur life together..
and stop telling me stuff about how i affected ur life so badly, that u cant stand up now...it shows how much ur life is based upon its either with me, or there isnt a life.
and whats so bad about being single? is it because ur scared that ur too old for another relationship? if that is so, i'm not ur last resort. and whats so bad about being single all ur life, its better than being a burden to someone else by saying ur life depends on them.
talk about pressure, as if the age gap doesnt cause enough for pressure, u still want to count on someone 7 years younger for life? every breath of life counts on him? my advice for u? get ur life right first b4 u seek someone else. ur other half is just someone u live together, grow together in God. its secondary compared to ur relationship with God. and ur life shouldnt fall apart when secondary things fall apart, God is the solid rock, He is ur foundation.
and talking about ur body being a temple of God? slitting ur wrists, drug abuse, wanting to self-destruct...not a very good form of worship huh? and talk about wanting to go into full-time ministry with me?...more like its because of me...i dont appreciate it...
worshipping thru music is a delightment, knowing God is in ur life is happiness...its got nothing to do with me, its to do with u and God. something must have screwed up there, i'm glad i found out about it.
and dont call me in the middle of the night shouting like a devil on the phone about whether i broke up with u because of another girl? does it matter?...i mean we're over. i'm not accountable to u anymore. and go read the email again. stop running away from reality, i know reality sucks, but its not about external factors that we broke up. its ur age, its how u see things, its how u live ur life. basic things like that.
really. get a life. trust me, even a psychiatrist cant help u, because u do drug abuse, so how does prescribing things to u have any help? u lived on drugs long enough, it aint going to do u any good. because the problem is in ur mind, drugs dont get to ur mind, a change of perspective will. or maybe brainwashing will.
and i didnt pick up the phone while i was sober, so of course i didnt reply u, but in fact, if i was sober and knew it was u calling, i dont think i would have bothered to even flip the phone open. and guess what? i lost the phone u gave me..haha..i dont need it anyways, i dont need money from u. i can earn it my own way, if i didnt have much youth left like u, i would easily have gotten it too. but not thru working millions of hours, bearing the stress with drugs and complaining and going thru all the work with self-hate, self-pity, and no appreciation of life at all. thats not worth the money. and u say u do it for ur parents, if ur parents knew how u did it, i dont think they would appreciate it at all. the way u handle ur life, is pathetic.
i think i gotta add another standard to my choice of my future partner, rationality and mental stability. never knew how much that meant. but i guess i learnt my lessons. i should be like a doctor and go thru the medical history of the person, whether she has asthma and whether she's been on drugs for a long time. and do my whole historical fact sheet abt the person b4 deciding on whether she's the one.
and for those that are showing pity to her and stuff, tell u what? u can care, u can show love..but the prob with this girl, is to do with herself. nothing in which u can help, but she needs to get it together by herself. stop having the only child syndrome and stop thinking ur still 18 or 19. grow up..get a life..and get ur heart of worship right.
pathetic..
pen off.
yellowcard
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
4/29/2008 05:42:00 AM
hey guys, Cliff's back for a writing.
i guess its really time that i admit that i've figured why pple blog other than having nothing better to do. its a good reflection of ur day and really through analysing it this way, firstly, without doubt, ur english and expression of words come out better in the long run, second, ur typing becomes faster, thirdly, u are actually stopping to think about ur life. and thats good. and for those memory-lovers, its good for having as a journal where u can read back next time and actually have a space for yourself that pple can read about online.
and yeah, my reason of coming today, is because i guess i've no one else to talk to. so yeah, Mr Blog, u gotta hear me out. or at least post it up for the nobody to read.
i guess really, blogs are very useful, and i only realised it now, maybe i've always been blessed with pple to talk to, and pple to relate to, and busy schedules to attend to. and i still have busy schedules here, but yeah, having lots of friends, doesnt mean u have someone to relate to or even have someone to talk to about how u are feeling.
just came back from school. from a school where i guess i have less than ten friends that i actually talk to. of course more than ten that i can smile at and know me by face. but yeah, less than ten that i actually talk to. and close enough to be talking properly with? i guess, that will be just one.
but yeah, the problem with boarding school is that everyone stays in residence in school, and staying outside school, somehow makes u an outcast to the rest. because pple stay 24 hours in school. how do u think staying in school for just that 2 hours of class is gonna make up to making really close friends. talking about it, i guess i have an excuse, but yeah, i beg to differ, i'm suppose to be Cliff, i love to socialise. but many times, i guess i fail. its amazing to hear that right? pple that know me, know i make friends like just like that, but yeah, i have problems in certain situations.
just talk about lunch time, which is actually the period of time that i hate the most, even though i have a class at 11 and another one at 3, the period i spend in the library, i'm spending it with books and my laptop, i dont feel that lonely. but lunch time, if u eat in sch that is, u gotta find someone to sit with, or else somehow u feel loneliness dawn on u, and the "u r a loser" feeling when u dont dare to sit with pple u actually know but are sitting with their huge clique in residence.
yeah, this girl that i'm close with, she volunteers to eat with me, but yeah, she sits with this group of girls that i dont really know, of course i could know, and some of which i actually know. but just approaching them and swallowing my pride of "interfering into other ppl's privacy" is such a big problem for me.
that was okay usually, but yeah. today started with me rushing to class because i was abit late for music class, and AGAIN, unaware of a test that was happening today. i think i scored zero for it. but yeah, this time, it was not my fault, my teacher didnt give me the CD.
to think abt it now, thats not such a big deal, but maybe because of monday blues that i get once in awhile, caused me to really feel very shitty for the whole day. plus feeling lonely eating by myself and then pondering how much i miss her.
i know, this sounds like crap. thats nothing at all bad about my day. but i just wasnt feeling very in the mood for anything. its just weird. i have like loads of friends from my bro's university. but almost like no one in my school. weekends and nights i go out with them are so fun, but only to come back to reality knowing that the school i'm facing now, i dont know anyone.
i wouldnt say no one, but yeah, sometimes i just dont really fit in.
i guess i came to a realisation that my life has had happiness only based on making pple happy, but when i cant do that, i feel so shitty about myself. and to think i always tell pple about "love others as urself" theory as having to start by learning to love urself first, i still have so much problem doing that. i wonder whether ego or self confidence is a natural thing, i mean of course i know its based on ur environment and stuff and not inborn, but sometimes i wonder why i dont have it as much as i need or want it.
tearing by myself and having self-pity for myself, its all not healthy. not that i do it often. but i dont know why i cant just always be on the "ups" in my life. why do i have to come "down"...and when i'm "down", i get so "down"...regardless of the situation...
i mean i'm mostly "up" but when i get "Down", it gets very bad.
i'm having the issue of not being able to find a best friend again. or even a close friend. i work so well in groups and being the one that talks alot and entertain pple, but when pple go home, when that group is busy, i never get to find just one of them to say that he/she is my own. if u get what i mean.
sometimes i wonder whether i put up some air of "dont come near", because i really feel sometimes i only can approach, but hardly, pple approach. i dont want to be popular, i've never seeked that i want to know alot of pple. all i want sometimes is just a best friend. but i end up always using my gf as one, and it gets real unhealthy when ur world is just groups or her. but yeah, i'm okay to just have her, but why cant i have best friends too..
argh...i'm getting so whiny, getting so complainy, i feel like not saying anything...
thanks for tuning in to Cliff's crap. i just have to use my method of "Smile" no matter how bad u feel. it works everytime. things get better.
pen off.
yellowcard
Thursday, March 20, 2008
3/20/2008 08:40:00 AM
hahaz.. cant believe i'm starting this blog entry with laughter. but yeah. its a joke when i see how long i've not been using this blog. but once in awhile, i check back to see whether any posts are done here. just for memories i guess. but two reasons that i'm blogging again, one :- cos its on my msn nick...and two :- cos i'm in Canada....yup. unexpectedly earlier than what i expected. and those that missed out on my life and about why i'm here now, doing what...dun worry. thats why i'm updating. been procrastinating, but really. its not easy coping here and stuff and still wanting to blog.
just love it here. winter was in its high end when i was here. with the last waves of snow storms and stuff, some pple hate it, but for me...its something some countries will never get. so i'll count my blessings. even though i cant wait for summer to come at the end of march. =X
been here for about a month or so now, okay b4 i go into that...
my reason for leaving instead of the agreed upon june or july, was because i wanted to up my marks in high school, so that i have better chances upon getting into the university i always wanted to get in. but to say it with the truth without explanation or elaboration, i got rejected by the university. mainly because my math mark in high school was a pathetic low of 55 marks. which pulled down my overall average(which they consider in university) from a high 80s all the way to 70s.
okay..sidetrack, 90s are for either scholars, pple that mug alot, or are generally the smartasses or geniuses, while 80s are the realistic, but i have to work very hard, marks that i can get. cos i never really did well in studies in singapore. two reasons: no discipline, and lazy. cant deny that. =P
so i got a bunch of low 80s with some nearing 90s. and had my math mark terribly low. which i thought was the only thing that pulled me down. but later when i came here and looked at my diploma(an A level degree equivalent) for grade 12 and saw that my geography was a low of 60s too. guess i should have thought of it that way. because one, i've never been good at that. two, if i cant do well in singapore, what makes me think i can do better in Canada? and three, i skipped like 13 classes. which at that time, meant 12 or more classes skipped, can disallow u from taking the final exam, which contributes to 30% of ur final mark. but yea, the teacher was nice. but in this time, in pathetic Bronte College of Canada, it means being asked for detention 13 times or getting suspended maybe thrice. but attendance did contribute to a certain amount of marks in the grade.
okay. so yea, here i am. back to the same pathetic high school. and same place, and u know whats even more pathetic? the school term is like two times slower and prolonged. from being less than 3 months. to being 6 months now. so its like taking two semesters that i did the last time. starting earlier as a semester. and ending later. cos last time it was from med march to mid june. now its from start of feb to end of june. which is like redo-ing my whole high school period, just that i'm only doing two courses instead of six. which in this semester, its like doing two instead of three, at a two times slower pace. i'm not complaining because its more relaxing that way, but its time-consuming. and my mindset is like "i'm just here to take my courses, i can get to know a few friends, but i dun wan to belong to the school, my time is over" and those four last words, are usually what i say to those i know in the school now. that i've been here 3 years ago. and i'm still here now. because of math.
but its okay..the thought of redo-ing that math course was crazy to me when i was in singapore,preparing to come over. but a blessing in disguise was, they dun hav that particular course anymore. maybe its just named something else : "advanced geometry". but yeah, i didnt have to take it, cos according to the demands of myself taking "psychology" or any other arts course in university of toronto, i just needed one math, but i've already done two and the other one i got an eighty for it. basically because it was like kinda of a creative math thingy, which is not so science(the dead thinking of using formulas to problems, which artsy pple hate, because at least to me, formulaes dun work for all situation, and i believe there's always an alternative and differing situation).
okay. so i'm here, the courses i'm taking are law and music. not "law and music", those definitely dun go together. to me, music is diverse. there's no hard and fast rule to it and its a means of expression, so it can be anything. thats what improvisation is to me. and those that say this chord has to go with this one or whatever, dun talk to me. i beg to differ.
as long as it sounds right. its fine. but still, rap aint music. its just a jumbling up of words, that are said in a manner, that sounds nice. they just make use of music, to make it sound nicer. and acceptable. they dun even rhyme or sound right sometimes. but i guess thats diverse too. but not in a way i can relate to.
okay. so i'm here, doing law, and music. law because i think its interesting to know how pple define it, and true enough, there's no definition for it. at least what i'm taught and believe it. and its ironic, because u can twist it. and the babbling of justice, what is justice? i cant define that too. diff pple have diff concept of it. and yes, law is based on majority. but still, like how the blacks came out with Martin luther king's "i have a dream" thingy and battled the fight, who says majority wins? and who is majority when there's the power to influence. and how do lawyers fight on the side that is wrong? and still make the person innocent. thats amazing. and at the same time, ironical about law being justice done.
and music, i'm doing it because yeah...dun have to say it again. but i will. cos i love it! and yeah, even though my theory obviously cant make it, but i worked my way thru the drums and my symphonic background. and my passion to learn, which is passion only for things i love alot and mean alot to me in my life. Music and God. i guess thats my reason to everything about my choice of dreams, gf, decisions, etc....
and yeah..i dunno what grade, i mean piano grade or theory grade i'm doing, but i'm self-learning it. not the best way to go about it when i have pple in my class that know at least the piano. but yeah, it will do good to me in the years to come, when i really pursue music. so its something, no matter how hard, i'm gonna learn.
and one of the tests was memorising composers and title of songs. its not like it was songs that i'm familiar, oh my, how much i wish it was rock, but no...it was classical, symphony. all the sonata songs. but yeah, i made it thru with full marks, not because i know at least a few of the songs like the rest, but mainly because i was hearing out for instruments and different kind of melodies, tempo and intros to differ them. and it was not just a few songs. it was like a CD. 15 songs. so okay, now i know more classical songs. but, so what? =X unless i want to go to sleep with them.
and thats abt school. but its not that bad, starting school at 10am, and ending it at 1pm. and that includes lunch from 1230-1pm. so ya. like two hours of class everyday. seems fine to me. until today, that my teacher is leaving, and they are changing one of the one hour periods to 3-4:30. which is gonna suck. gonna extend my hours from 3hours to 5 hours in school. okay not so bad like the teacher comforting me with "then u have more time at school, u can use the library to study"...yeah..but i rather do it at home. okay i didnt say that. but i wish i did. i just gave her the "i'm in no position to say anything anyways" when she asked me whether i'm okay. but ya, its true in the rights and freedoms of a man, that u can speak ur mind, and in CAnada, even more so, but i guess there are situations that its harder to keep silent than speaking up, but for the greater good.
so other than school, my youth fellowship here. not really mine, but yeah, its the university's one. the one my bro created in the last few years, okay. more like God used him for it. but really, its been very influential on me ever since i've been here. being able to pray out loud, learning to take courage to pray out loud in a group everytime they say "we'll just use this time to pray, and if the Holy spirit touches u guys, i hope for two or three people to pray out loud, before i summarise in prayer for all of us". and yeah, most of the occasions, i challenge myself to be that someone. because it takes great courage to lead, and even greater courage to pray, and even greater greater courage to pray in a language you're not as good in. which to me, has been mandarin.
but the funny thing is, i'm so used to mandarin now, even when i speak english on a daily basis now, its like i find myself stuck finding the right words to use. maybe cos true, my church in singapore uses chinese, which a big part of my life is involved in, and my buddies in singapore, use chinese too. so yea, naturally, only with my gf recently, have i used english more. and now, Canada. but yea, with her, i can switch b/w both most of the time.
the yf here is called ccf. Chinese christian youth. its on campus in the university, which i'm yet to be in yet. i guess i've been to quite a few things that are university stuff, that i'm not officially in yet. like the korean CM2007 last year. hahaz... but yea, i can look the part, so i'm alright.
so yeah, we meet on tuesdays for the full chinese thingy, so only those that know chinese, i mean mandarin, will come for it. and yeah, fridays for the english one. because its amazing how much of the ccf doesnt know mandarin or any chinese dialects at all. but come for it. so yeah, we have to use a language everyone knows. which is, English. and yeah, in my church on sundays, there's mandarin and a translator that says the Canto version. so ya. its funny how pple mix up the Canto accent and even Canto words with the Mandarin language. especially when they speak both and sometimes more of one, most often Canto, and less of mandarin. u gotta hear it for urself, i cant describe it here.
but yeah. the ccf has really been a blessing to me ever since i came, with a welcome dinner the next day i came. and so many sessions thru the week. i dun feel alone at all. and even when i do, i'm not, because i believe God's always with me. my family and hopefully, friends back in singapore, praying for me. how many people can say that? and i've yet to count my other blessings. which are really overflowing. and i only have God to thank for that.
so remember, anytime u feel sad or depressed abt ur life, count ur blessings, not what u dun have, but what u dun have. and what worse case situations or scenarios u could've gotten into. and u will know, ur not that bad. most importantly, do it with an optimistic thinking. dunno what is optimism? smile even when u dun wan to. and even when its hard to. i know its fake. but it'll brighten up ur world. trust me, i've been thru army, took away my freedom, at least for the period until my sergeant course almost ended and had a stupid tailbone injury, but yeah, still wasnt easy. and then, the smile worked for me. so unless ur imprisoned or in deep waters that could mean death, i dunno why u are feeling depressed. maybe because u make urself feel miserable till the point of death. and still, if ur going to heaven, why do u fear death? and why would u want to live on earth, which aint even 1/1000000000000000000000000000000000000++++ as good as where u can go? but if u dunno ur purpose of living and u feel like u live just to die, worry, worry till u shit in ur pants, because what if, there really is heaven? go and find out more about life facts at
http://www.everystudent.com/
i'm sure u can find ur answer. or like me, i've yet to check that website out, but i've better references that i believe in, the Bible and Jesus.
really hope to update u guys more about my life. but thats all i'm going for now. enough for u to read already i believe. take care. and God bless.
pen off..
yellowcard
Thursday, October 25, 2007
10/25/2007 04:52:00 PM
been like two months plus since i've really blogged here? hey guys once again. Cliff's back. whether its crap or facts of life he's gonna talk about, we'll wait to see about that. cos i have the urge to write about my life. but not sure where my thinking will take me. lets just use the normal saying of "let nature take its course". i'm not gonna choose what topic to talk about. but just basically stuff that is "Cliff-fied".
i'm so glad i'm done, okay, almost done with NS. cant believe i went thru like two years of it and six months of shit in the jungle and stuff. to think about it, yeah. i cant believe i went thru that. but yeah. its over. and like pple said, bad things, u look back and u feel a sense of achievement that u made it thru all that shit and came out a better person, or at least survived it to be what u are now. i wouldnt say i gained much from the NS experience but i did meet pple i wouldnt forget forever.
yesterday was my last working day. i just need to go back on my ORD(Outrun date,aiya just meaning dismissal from army service) and do some clearance and get back my pink IC and i'm out of there.
not sure what i really want to do then, or u can say, now. yesterday met up with Marcus, was trying quite hard to get back on terms with him as a close cousin. it didnt feel the same, maybe because he's abit different now, but ultimately, he's still my cousin and i'll always love him. hope he will start asking me out more. and myself too.
cos b4 finishing NS, i was thinking who r really my true friends and who i could spend more time with once i'm done with this NS commitment.
starting NS, u get used to how ur life is taken away. given an 8-5pm job after u somewhat unwillingly gave ur life to the country, u seek life again, which is not easy. maybe its easy after 6 months to go back to ur friends. but maybe my problems of social circle already started when my high school(Poly/Jc Stage) friends are all around the world. and none have come back here with me. most moved on straight to university. so u can say ya, i made them for nothing. other than maybe seeing them next time in the university i go to. but maybe just that few i guess. and guess what, they'll be year three. they already moved on with their lives. just like those that have moved on when i was away in Canada with their Poly friends.
its not easy being kinda of confused of what u belong to. but i guess i've always been like that, i belong to every group i end up in. dun stick to just one. unless they really treasure and continue to remember me. like my sec sch group. as close as ever.
but my main thinking was "do i have a best friend. or even a close friend" that i can rely on whatever i go thru. just one would do. the answer is "no". i have many close friends. but no specific one that is really close. but cant blame anybody. thats how i chose my life to be. no commitment to anyone. maybe only to a serious gf, but in the long run, still have problem commiting and end up running away.
for those that have really nothing better to do or really interested on this kind of person i am. check out the website www.wikipedia.org and search for "fear of commitment". i'm that kind of person i guess.
i just came across it when i was looking up "psychology" topics in that website. u can find all kinds of things pple upload there. but not everything is true. those pple that upload things there are like u and me, just opinionated i guess. so its up to u how much u trust.
and a few weeks of ORD, i was just thinking "do i really have a life already, or when i finish, do need to get one?"...but i guess it was mainly paranoia. all these problems coming up, i guess i'm just thinking too much. its just how i am about not liking to stick to any person in particular and just circulate around different circles of friends at different points in life. getting the most out of different experiences. i may be close with someone during this period, but later another.
i know many pple that question why friends have to leave and why cant they stay forever. but ya, i never do question that. like my friend that went thru closely with me all the training in NS in the few six mths said "whatever comes, whatever goes, life goes on". and i add "whether positive or negative, life goes on, so why choose to go thru it unhappily?". and i'll stick to that belief. especially when as a christian, there's so much to be happy about in life, and there's nothing impossible to solve with God.
yeah, and ORD is like "throws freedom back to u and shouts getalife now". when starting NS is like "now, ur life is committed to serving the country". i dunno manz. it aint as complicated as it is. just that maybe i have alot of time to burn b4 university intake. cos i missed this year's intake in september. so i have to wait like almost a year. maybe its not so bad for others. cos when they finish, they finish with those pple they enter NS with from their polys or JCs. but for me, i'm just an odd one that is going a phase not many or infact only a few pple of my age are going thru.
Come on manz, my batch of my age enlistees only came in like this year for those JC ones. and next year for Poly ones.
but i guess not so bad. still have my friends in Poly, but they may be going thru very different things, like End of year project or Final year project. whatever they call it. so i'm not sure manz. but i guess by the time they get into army, my life should have long went on le.
but maybe i shouldnt worry about these stupid things about companionship, i can go thru life alone very well, and sometimes its better that way. the things that should be troubling me now is direction and responsibilities that are coming my way. University applications, Youth Fellowship Church camp responsibilities, band and music-related actitivities and commitments, finding a part-time job to earn extra cash for now and maybe a more settled and fixed one in January when everyone is out of holiday mood and i should occupy myself more with work and earning my own allowance and savings for Canada. taking the load off my parents. and definitely using as much as my time on close friends, especially when i only have about 6-7 mths left in Singapore. and of course, self-improvement courses : music courses, thaiboxing classes, and whatever i can pick up in this period that i have a lot of freetime.
guess i've sorted my thoughts out in a way or two. and thats whats really going thru in my mind now. no girls to distract me for the time being. and no relationships until i dunno when, but i really know i dun wan those unnecessary stuff to jam up my emotions and my focus in life for now. but i guess socialising and making much much more friends is inevitable now. just gotta get used to living the normal life i used to live last time.
did have a stupid thinking of just signing on with the army, but that would be only cos i give in to my stupid thinkings of life serves no meaning anyways, so just do routine schedules everyday. nayz. that will suck.
had a very stupid dream yesterday. it was about her. cant believe at last i got my freedom and life's brightening up and my first dream is about her. about loving her once again, but her mum always beating her up just because i'm a christian. the religious differences of a Catholic. it was a very happy dream, until the beating up came, and i ran away. just to get her out of trouble. almost significantly like the real story, but just a little more tragical. much more i would say. pathetic.
and dreams are supposedly in my opinion, what u really want in life, ur greatest fears, ur subconscious self. and what u are thinking about that sometimes u run away from. maybe thats what my dreams are about. guess somehow thru my dreams, God is asking me to face reality. but truly, i think i should. and i'll handle it my way. properly this time.
hope reminiscents of the past will stop holding me back to move on for a brighter future. i'll keep myself in check. thanks for reading.
pen off.
yellowcard
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
8/21/2007 10:23:00 PM
hey guys. got so much to talk abt related to feelings. sometimes i do pity pple that read this blog to have to endure all the true feelings of myself stated in this blog. but like they say, the more vulnerable u are with whoever, u more u show u want to let the person in on ur privacy. and in this case, i'm letting my blog and the pple in about my privacy.
but its really scary knowing that i put this email add on my msn nick. and pple that just get to know me, know my true feelings and everything. even though i do only blogging like once a month. but its the true me i state out. it might surprise many cos i do not really show this side of me in my normal life.
was thinking about my social life and stuff. NS has made it bad by letting me meet mostly guys in my term. and especially guys that only play games and most of the time talk about them too. i do feel like a social outcase sometimes. but i know deep in my heart. i dun like games and i dun care whether i'm accepted in terms of their opinion. i'm just not gonna risk myself getting addicted to a game, which means to the computer and cause my social life to worsen more.
used to always be someone that socialises alot. and loves to do so. but a real social butterfly either has a strong confidence and is himself that attracts other pple to him or is someone that acts like someone else to please others and to be the person pple like him to be. i'm more of the 2nd now. used to be the 1st.
and the effect came all the way from (dunno how many times i've said this) the day i broke with her. and in a few mths she went on with her life. i didnt know it would affect me so badly by plainly doing that to me. and i didnt realise the hurt subconsciously made due to that action of her moving on so fast and much much b4 me.
like how bad could that be. u broke with a girl and now she's not pestering u and gotten over u and moved on with her life with another person? isnt that the perfect scenario that u can move on too? but maybe its the worse case scenario due to the fact u haven at all gotten over her. u just stuffed the undealt with stuff under the blankets and thought they would be solved themselves.
it really affected me quite badly. ever since then, i know many many girls i've dated and it was only a one date thingy and i backed off. and during the date, i wasnt being myself. most of the time i was struggling with trying to be myself. which to me is what really attracts a girl. showing ur true self to her. but i've never been able to.
now i'm strugging with personal identity. and whats more? my dreams are being shaken too.
yeah. so much with the "daretodream" thingy. i dun mean i've given up the dream. but everyone in it with me. not only musicians but everyone that believed in a dream coming true even though its very farfetched and dared to dream big have given up. just like how pple say they will stay single cos they like it that way and believe they're too young for a relationship give up that perspective and enter a relationship, leaving me "staying single" by myself. its a hard struggle believing in things pple do not believe in or even many gave up believing on.
can say that my life is quite screwed. have to really fix everything here and there. gonna be easier said than done. gonna be so so hard to do. but like my dad said, "what a man's gotta do, a man's gotta do". random remark.
okay. when ur pessimistic, dun brood over it too long. gets no better. just write everything down or just say everything to someone and go on with life dealing with it. many pple like to push everything under the blanket and think things are solved that way. but i'm not one of those. i rather solve things. either be solved or gotten rid of. or else life doesnt go on unsettled.
and thats what i'm gonna do. pen off.
yellowcard
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
7/11/2007 09:10:00 PM
hey guys. back for another entry. cant believe its been two mths that i've not touched this blog. but actually. I DUN CARE. when did i? until pple keep reminding me to update my blog. and for the sake of the few that actually read. i'm writing this. of course because i want to air my thoughts to the "world" too.
ya shuling. my bday has been over and i should blog abt it. but i dun really remember what really happened. maybe i should have blogged earlier. but i know there was quite a few cakes. a few meals. and generally, very little me being the star moments. but thats just how i like it to be. just a normal day that pple just greet u remembering ur bday and maybe a few presents. but more of a day i can just go out with them and have fun. forgetting its my bday. hehez...and it lasted quite a few days. three days in a row. cos i'm the type of person that doesnt have a definite group but circulate a few.
the biggest thing that has happened recently is making this girl that has liked for close to one and a half year now, get over me. i cant believe it has been so long. and almost a year since we broke. but i didnt really consider it a relationship. cos i wasnt really taking it seriously. cos i'm not the type for a relationship. never have been. and this was taken even more lightly. especially when i could never get over the one in Canada. so i couldnt move on to wholeheartedly liking someone else. i wonder how the one in Canada got over me that fast. but i wouldnt be surprise. she loved Cliff after all. the problem is Cliff. who will love or even like him for too long.
but back to the topic of this girl getting over me. i really wanna tell this girl if u r reading this, u were a very nice girl and i've always liked the way u treated me. there just wasnt love in it, so it didnt work out. and many other reasons. i just thank you for taking care of me the way u did for that period of time. i know i tried my best to do so to u too. but i couldnt bring myself to love u. i'm really sorry. we're just not meant to be.
but really if my future wife even treats me like u did, i would be the luckiest guy on earth cos i really never felt such love from a girl b4. thanks alot. but i'm sorry i had to be cruel and just ignore u and everything. its the only rightful thing to do as a guy to help u move on. and it hurt me to do so. i'm not the type of guy to do that, maybe thats why i took so long to do it. but it really hurt me alot to do that to u. i'm really sorry. heard u like another guy now, hope he treats u better and loves u as u should be loved.
thats all i have to say to u.
and the girls i've rejected recently, i'm very sorry too. maybe its me and my stupid standards of not being able to see the love surpassing the looks and demands of my human nature. but really, ur not christian either. makes it worse. but u gals will move on, its not so hard to get over me. a girl that was with me for six mths seriously could have gotten me over and continued with another guy in a mere few mths while one that loved me for a year can like someone else in a mere week, i dun see how u cant move on. u gals do it better than me =)
okay. enough about Girls. boring topic. yeah i know. i'm guy too. straight and girls r attractive, so it occurs to me to be girlcraze once in awhile too. but thats under control. cos i'm a partial MCP =P
went to korea last week. yeah. i know what u r gonna ask "how was it. fun? holidays ar?"...okay. no. it was not holidays. it was not for fun. but it was more than what u think it was. it was life changing experience.
imagine, okay if ur a christian and a serious one, u might understand. but imagine, 20,000 pple all around the world gathering in a stadium. having meetings and having activities. interaction. partying, sightseeing and gathering as one. ALL IN THE NAME OF GOD. one word to say. it was LIFE-CHANGING. one more word. INDESCRIBABLE. and one more. HEAVENLY. a phrase i mean. A TASTE OF HEAVEN.
all these pple for ur information are christians. not just christians. but christian youth leaders. coming together to worship. really it was amazing. i really dunno how to put down all these in words. i'm trying my best. cos i feel no matter how hard i try. its not a wordly thing to express. its just like i said INDESCRIBABLE. u had to be there. u just had to be. especially if u are hvaing great dreams in christianity.
got to know hong kees, taiwanese, brazilians, indians, nigerians, caucasians, mixed and almost everything u can think of. but not forgetting. the pple from the country that WOW-ed me the most. koreans!
korean girls r cute. really. maybe cos i rarely even see them other than in movies and drama series. it was a unique experience interacting with them. they r very sweet pple. but i would say maybe its just because they're christians or they work in the service industry. thats why they r so sweet. what amazed me was my lack of knowledge of how strong the christians in Korea are. they pray everywhere they go. worship really very enthusiastically and really, are very warm to other christians too. their hospitality was just heartwarming.
why i say its a taste of heaven? cos imagine everyday, waking up to know the whole day u are gonna look forward to worshipping God and just know more abt Him and prepare our hearts to serve Him in the future. imagine the whole day being all about that. and the pple u meet, all are christians. with smiles on their faces, purposes in their lives and very very nice pple, taking christianity very seriously. it was a great encouragement for a christian leader like myself to feel how HOT they are for God compared to me. when i already thought i'm quite HOT for God already. but seeing them HOTTER just inspired and moved me to tears. wanting to be just like them. the christian population in Korea is just so big, 12,000 of the 20,000 pple there were koreans. so it was swarming with Koreans everywhere.
check our my friendster. have a few photos taken with korean girls. soon to upload more.
it was LIFE-CHANGING due to the experience of knowing we're not in the Kingdom of Heaven serving Him ourselves. that everywhere out there. christians are fighting for God. whether its to share the love of God with others or to just stand up for Christ in their daily lives. made so many friends, its gonna always be an encouragement when i see them on MSN and reminding each other about how we should be for God.
made two korean girl-friends from the worship choir team. they are very lovely pple. i really love them alot. every night after the last worship, we would be like waiting for each other outside the stadium, and just hang out for awhile. the most saddening moment was the last night. we just hugged each other and really couldnt bear thinking that 7 days went by just like that. but i only knew them on the 4th or 5th day.
its hard making friends there. unless u got alot of fate to meet each other. u can just make this friend today. and the whole 6 other days, u dun see them anymore. but it was weird how we always saw each other. it was amazing. i switched my "Singapore" christian tshirt with their worship team tshirt. it was just amazing.
i dunno what to say. but i'll always remember what one of the speakers said to me "If you know Jesus, You will love Him. If u love Him, You will SErve Him. If you dont Serve Him, means u dun love him. but if you dont love him, its because you dont know Him".
truly, even as a christian, i would say none of us really know exactly what Jesus went through for all of us. we can see the scene of Him dying on the cross a hundred times but we cry only by what we imagine it to be. but just imagine, even if u died on that cross and had that death sentence b4. u wont imagine living a perfect life, coming down from all that royalty in heaven to die for others and the emotional and physical battle of it all. its not what we think.
but u wont believe it, because u only believe in what u see. but we're not asking u to believe it. we're asking u to have faith in Him. only then will u be able to see. Thru His eyes.
okay. i'll stop here. nothing more to say le. getting emotional. thinking of His death and also missing alot of them from the trip there. haiz. take care everyone. thanks for readin. =)
yellowcard
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
5/22/2007 07:29:00 PM
yoz everybody. its been awhile. like a month now. hmmm... just trying to accumulate stuff to say in my mind to say out into this blog. got so much, but i dunno how to start. life's been pretty fine lately, but thats the problem. its too fine. and maybe i think its fine. when its not fine.
today i'll touch on nothing but girls. nothing about God or music as priorities but straight to the third interest in life. Girls. hmm..sounds kinda boring. but ya, i'm straight. i love the way they r. its an addiction to guys abt girls. even how much i say they dont affect me. they do. in a very big way in fact.
my perspective as stated in my blog always. being single but unavailable. how is that possible is that u have crushes on girls but u take it as an infatuation and it goes away. but i guess no harm. cos i believe it wasnt true love in the first place. or else there's no such thing as "goes away" after a period of time.
i cant commit. i dunno what i want. i cant be the best bf i want to be for the girl of my dreams. i'm too hurt by the past to go on with the present with another relationship so soon. i'm too young for a relationship. i'm going to Canada soon, so it aint responsible for me to get a girl now. and in abt a years' time, go off to where i wanna go, and not come back forever. i'm not gd with distant relationship, so i rather not start one at all.....
a full paragraph of excuses for being single. the list can go on. they are all true to a certain extent. but whether its just a matter of runnin away from reality and the fact of getting hurt again. maybe its just a bunch of excuses as how "Excuses" mean in definition.
sometimes its contradicting, u can say this and do that. not because u're a hypocrite. but maybe u should think it this way. u dun understand urself. u wanna do it that way, but u say u want to do it this way. paranoia i know. but yesh. there's so many things in life that collide. u say u wanna live forever, but when u meet with old age, u rather die. u love this girl to the core, but using loser mentality and think u will never get her or own her. i dun wan to drink, beer sucks. u drink more, ur used to it, and it becomes a way of life, a way of destressing, a way of RUNNING AWAY FROM REALITY.
ever thought how many things in ur mind u think this way, but its cos subconsciously ur running away from something, but u thought ur just like this. this is how i am. i'm born like this. there's no such thing as i'm born like this. u can change anything u want. the CHOICE i say is in ur hands.
okay. i'm going too much psychological and philosophical or something, drifting away from my topic of GIRLS.
basically, i think my mindset of not wanting to commit has so many excuses but excuses like wanting to be single. is due to excuses of "not wanting to go into a relationship and find urself in the crisis of not knowing how to deal with it". excuses like "not wanting to commit" may be either like due to excuses of "not wanting to commit and get hurt in the end" or "i still want to be a player and play around more". mine's the first. okay. maybe its both. cos as i said, how much can u say u understand urself.
how many situations have u been in with the opposite sex that later u realise "what the heck was i doing" or "why did i do that" or "why did i react that way". truly. the human mind is a very complicated thing. thats why i'm afraid taking psychology in university might drive a paranoid and thinker like me crazy thinking abt everything in life with psychology. and the shows like "Basic Instinct" and "23" and some things that have happened in life recently to me aint helping much.
okay. i'm drifting away from my topic of GIRLS. but ya. i think this is more interesting to talk about. let me put down the events and shows in pointers first. in case i lose my trace of thought and then forgot what to say.
-Basic Instinct
-23
-The couple opposite my block
- and back to the topic of GIRLS and something i discovered that i feel for them alot.
okay. for those who watched the movie, Basic Instinct, already. i will tell those that haven. its something like a psychologist helping some patient abt some problem. but due to tbe way the patient knows how to play around with the mind. the psychologist ends up having a problem to deal with, with the patient manipulating him with the problems and end up going insane himself. this is Basic Instinct 2 i'm talking abt anyways. i will try to find the first movie some other time.
but the i liked the way Sharon Stone said "I dunno whose the patient and whose the doctor". and she's hot in the show. okay. the show is something abt seduction lar. but ya. its just scary. cos i'm gonna be a psychologist(before i become a musician) and i dun want to be driven crazy pursuing such an interest.
while the movie "23" is about obsession with the number 23. with every thing happening in life to be associated with a certain number. scientifically proven to be a number that most things can be added up to. some special number or something. just states the obsession one can have with a certain something. i think it can happen to anyone. even an obsession with a certain somebody. it can drive u to kill and everything. and i believe in such things. the human mind is a very weird thing. and i dunno how subconsciously we r affected by the things around it.
as one that believes everything happens for a reason. like if someone's a deaf since young, it maybe inherited from one's parents or due to some "overage" sex or due to some incident. and if someone has fear for something, its not something u were born with, it was due to something that happened b4. i believe no one is negative or positive without a reason. its the things around him or her that affects how he or she is like.
and insanity is not something hard to happen, if u dun take care of ur mind properly, i believe it can happen rather easily. especially pple that cant control their emotions and their lives properly. another worry of being a psychologist = maybe as a thinker, i think too much and already have too much at mind nearing insanity, what more thinking more scientifically and factually and in-depth. in addition maybe other pple's insanity is ur problem.
recently, okay maybe just a few days ago. it was a Sunday. so that makes it like two days ago. i was woken up from my sleep. there was shouting in Chinese like "You're not a man. You're not a man". okay. it sounds funny in english. but its more like meaning u dun have what it takes to be a man or questioning the guy's masculinity. but this seemed more like questioning whether he was man enough to take care of his wife.
Cos the screaming...came from his wife.
it was like one block away. i was woken from my sleep by it. imagine how loud that is. my block is not directly beside it. it had some distance. my window was closed. and aircon forced me to sleep soundly. it was crazy. now even thinking of it. i dunno whether to cry or to be in a state of confusion and paranoia. i dunno manz. but i know i cried at church abt this. i couldnt accept the reality of it. okay back to the story.
i woke up and the screaming was deafening and very extremely loud. the whips were too. i got up and looked thru my window, opened it. and directly across. i saw a guy taking something very huge. it looked like a whip but looked much thicker than that. and the sound of it whacking i dunno what. was louder. just with every whip. the lady cried out very loudly. i believe that would be his wife. very young. i believe he is in his twenties.
i dunno how to explain what i heard. but i just couldnt believe i was not dreaming or anything of this is actually happening. the whips seemed very very pain. and the guy that was whipping the lady, seemed as if he was nuts, and that he didnt feel at all the pain the lady is feeling. and with vigorous actions, he continued whipping over and over again. i dunno. to me, this only happens in the cinema. i couldnt believe my eyes. i dunno. now talking abt it, i dun feel quite well either.
how can u actually whip the one u love. thats something i'll never understand. but i ran to my mum's room, my parents were like, its not the first time. and this is very normal. many couples after marriage go thru fights and everything. imagining myself doing that. i think that day. i'm not Cliff. dun call me Cliff. call me Crazy.
but thinking abt it, maybe there are really such instances that girls can drive a man mad that the man cant control himself anymore. cos after the whole incident, he was outside his unit, like crying or just not believin what he did. i dunno. but i think it shocked me very badly. now looking out my window, just get flashbacks of such things. and i guess children growing up with parents doing that, might be subconsciously impacted to do the same.
thru these revelations, it seemed to me, insanity isnt like, ur born with it. its more like its a possibility to happen to u. so Thank God everyday u arent. its scary. watch Basic Instinct 2. u will get what i mean. psychologists in fact are suppose to be rational and very mentally stable pple. but i guess no one is.
my fourth point is about something i discovered about girls. Self-mutilation seen in another way.
to many pple, at least many guys. its stupid to cut urself and everything. its childish to do so. the only reason we can state abt it is that the girls are stupid enough to do it. i used to be like that too. but recently, got to make friends with a few girls that actually do that.
sometimes, its easier said than done to avoid stuff like self-mutilation, drugs, smoking and stuff that to u, is very unnecessary and maybe very easy to avoid. but ever thought why some pple do it. partial insanity i would say. its a psychological attack to someone. and we should show sympathy for such pple instead of condemning them as hopeless or just have nothing better to do with their lives.
to us, it may seem like "these pple complain so much. they dunno how to appreciate their lives. they deserve it.". but that aint true. to everyone negative and in a depress state, to others, it may seem that their lives arent as bad as it seems. but to a person himself or herself, its a growing phase and different pple can take different level of pressure. what is stressful to me, may not be stressful to u, but that doesnt mean its not stressful to me. u get what i mean.
girls that self-mutilate i say to me would most probably fall under the "bad breakup with bf and a drastic breakdown that it caused upon them that they cannot handle" or "abuse by parents or someone that causes them to feel like they are some slave or something not important in life".
it just made me think, how many times have i broke up with a gf causing her to an extent of self-mutilation? or bad enough, a deep state of depression due to not handling the relationship well and end up backing out and deceiving the girl in a relationship that u truly loved her but break up badly with her in the end cos u made a mistake.
i say that, that would be the biggest and most logical reason that i dun go into a relationship. without knowing how much it can prevent a girl from getting hurt that way b4. one of my excuses would be "i dunno what i want in a girl, too young to decide, so i cant say i really love a girl, it would be irresponsible unless i know she's really for me, at a mature age with a stable thinking and realization of what i really want in a girl".
i guess thats the best excuse due to wanting to be single. even since i discovered how much guys can affect a girl's life in a breakup and a relationship and vice versa. its really an eye-opener. even though i cant stand self-mutilators. but now, all i want is to help them, but dunno where to start. i guess by keeping single especially when i know myself to be not ready for a relationship. i'm not gonna deceive a girl that i am.
humans are emotional pple, but girls r very very emotional compared to guys. maybe as guys, we'll never understand. when girls themselve dun understand why they are so sensitive. but as a SNAG, i wouldnt say i'm not half as sensitive or emotional as them. or since i dun understand how sensitive or emotional they r, maybe i'm not even half ba.
so a thought for u guys reading this, thanks for being patient and reading thru this crap. just had to share it. the thought is think abt life more and the more u live, the more u will find out the life ahead, aint as easy as it seems. in fact, its harder and more complicated than it seems.
God bless guys. pen off.
yellowcard
Thursday, April 26, 2007
4/26/2007 01:07:00 PM
hey everyone. back for another entry. first thing first, do "scream" in my shoutbox if u do visit. i wanna know how many pple actually come. dun like just hearing pple say "hey. i read ur blog" or just talk abt stuff they knew from my blog. its not gd enough and encouraging enough. not that its abt pple that i write this blog for. its just for airing my head of stuff stuck within that wishes to come out. but not just to one person, but to everyone that can benefit from it.
noticed that my blog used to be like my life in Canada. not so much now. it used to be like my complainy self abt how life is. but nayz. truly, i want it to be just me. just my thoughts. whatever i have to say at this very moment. or inspirations thru the week that i just have to share with the world. wish i could share it thru music. just waiting for a chance.
its like ever wondered how pple always have a saying of "i cant smile, its hurting inside." or "i cant smile, its gonna be fake, cos i'm really depressed inside and i dun wan to put on a show". sometimes u also think what the heck, why are u always putting a strong front when u r actually collapsing inside. thats what u say to pple. but ever wondered there might be a gd thing abt it?...okay. i do wonder that way too. but i guess there's another point of view. learnt sadly from how i went thru NS and all the stupid sergeant training and stuff.
its like hard to smile when u see ur world falling apart. to me then it was like hard to even go on each day. routines everyday, just getting worse. without anything to look forward to other than ur passing out parade which doesnt mean the end either. just means its a new phase of suffering. especially if ur next location wasnt gonna be better. mine was like Basic military sch, leadership one, so went thru it at a very fast pace. wasnt raelly hard. but thought after it, life was gonna be better. but i just found out in my next posting, i was going to leadership sch at SISPEC (school of specialists). just meaning sergeant or NCO course lar, to those that haven gone thru Army but know all abt NPCC and NCC. let me tell u, thats all crap. nothing compared to army at all.
so it was hard, but i finished it too. even with my injury. then went on to a place called Combat engineers. its like even more sucky. heard the life as a combat engineer in the army is not difference being a bangladeshi construction worker. just that ur pay is almost as pathetic as them. or even lesser. lowest paying workforce manz. dun say i'm a working adult, more like service to country at the minimum.
so ya. it was indeed hard to smile. while being a more girls' kind of guy. in the sense that my gfs are more than my bfs. ya, for all u thinking crookedly now, friendship type k. it was just hard to really get along with alot of guys there. more like forced to. u just gotta face them, even if they are horny,irritating or worse pathetically emotional idiots. cos its not gonna help u. it will just pull ur spirits down.
i chose a way of doing more solo-ing in my NS days. just count on myself. maybe in BMT i still made alot of friends. but later knowing that these few close friends wont stay forever. u just get distributed every mth until u settle in ur own unit after all the school trainings, i found no use of really making genuine friends. just more casual and those kind that u can use when u need help. thats all i seeked.
yea. back to the "smile" philosophy i'm talking abt today. its real hard to. in fact u feel emotionally depressed and cry more than smiles. other than stupid things other bunkmates do lar.
but really, i wouldnt say it was that bad. came up with very gd philosophies during that time. more like christian related encouragements and stuff. these are a few. maybe those going to NS soon might need them. found it very useful. always there in my notebook that i take down notes and stuff. but mostly writing to myself. and my journal :
- If pple can go thru it, with God, u can do it too and even better than them.
- No matter how things get, its not hell, its gonna be over.
- Persevere. its gonna be hard, but the harder it gets, the stronger you'll be.
something like that lar. its like i had alot. but ya. this is what i remember. too lazy to go and dig up my shit to find that journal. its more like just a book i wrote my heart out to. but not to reflect upon.
but life's better now that i've been in MINDEF. its like so civilised and a working environment i really find delight in everyday. its easier to live this way. just still have a struggle getting back my life i lost to NS.
but my "smile" philosophy is this. even if its like terribly hard to smile. at the worse of situations. it might sound spastic or sadistic or anti-situation. but really. try to smile. especially if u need to cheer urself up and need a spirit uplifting, knowing that things still have to go on no matter what has happen. just really smile.
i tried it b4. its like really feel very down. its hard to smile and u will think its fake. but dun give a damn abt what pple say. just smile. it really helps. try it sometime. trust me. it works. it worked miracles for me. it was what helped me go on with everyday no matter how bad things seem.
and NS might seem like okay to some of u all. but to a freedom lover like me. its like almost equivalent to taking my life away. and i had major screw ups. cant lead properly because of being too nice, i cant be that "shouting, strict and demand authority" type of guy a leader in such organisations need. and not taking any of the stuff seriously was my major screw up. i couldnt be bothered. so ya, it got to me. hard.
but i would say NS is only okay to a fitness freak physically. i had no problems there. but mentally it can drive u crazy sometimes. coming out on weekends. cabbing everywhere u go. knowing u cant waste a single minute doing nonsensical things. and imagine planning ur weekend the whole week. with it going by just in a minute, and u have to book in back to camp again. and the whole routine again. suffering and "sianzation"...
and it will be okay to u if u didnt have a life anyways. if u find u really like it lar. cos u might find a life in it. and thats why i guess pple sign on nowadays. cos its not a golden rice bowl anymore. u can get sacked anytime. pay's gd. but u will find in time. u have become a slave to the army.
thats all i gotta say. really try smiling. it helps. =)
tc guys. pen off.
yellowcard
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
4/10/2007 12:19:00 AM
yoz everyone. its been awhile. just had an inspiration to type and to satisfy the need of pple who actually tune in to this blog and always check back for new entries. thanks again. =)
had two "philosophies" i made up in my mind.
=> Losers arent those that dare to try but end up failing or being laughed at horribly when they do bad, losers are people who do not dare to try and without trying...already can imagine the scene of failing and pple laughing at them.
=> Realists are pple that give up dreams without trying and because of low self-confidence or the chances of success being thin, do not try at all.
REally think this way about pple. especially pple that actually have dreams that are similar to mine and always admired them for having the guts to dream abt it and try to achieve it. Cos they are equally like myself. some of these pple have more talent than i do. okay. let me rephrase that, most of these pple have more talent than i do. more exposure and stuff. i'm just a struggling dreamer. and it really discourages u when pple give up cos they think they're not gd enough.
Imagine all the musicians out there. Imagine how many beforehand, already gave up when a few years down the road, they could have made it. While its because of the few that didnt give up, do we actually have musicians out there shining like stars. not only musicians. in fact, artists in general.
i really despise people who have dreams, but put down their dreams because of the impossibilities there are to it. nothing is impossible. thats the mindset of a dreamer. keep trying and u will get it. thats a mindset of a dreamer. a mindset of a realist? reading what i'm saying, and saying its all nonsense and i should wake up from this dream i have and be real. get a job that earns bucks, that is marketable. i wont say that is wrong, if ur life is all about earning big bucks and getting the stuff u want. materialism i would call it. enough is enough. not more than enough.
while the loser mentality, its really pathetic. u haven even seen failure and u think abt it all the time. it terrifies u and creates fear in urself, to avoid such situations. but the possibilities of really failing, depends on urself. if u believe its gonna happen, it will happen. if not, even when it happens, u wont feel sad, i mean u will feel abit, but better than regretting not doing it and not knowing what will happen, but only imagining it.
life is really about trying and trying, there's no harm trying, thats what pple say. but how many actually listen to this phrase. "there's no harm trying". more like "avoid the "harm" by not doing it".
i will keep this entry short and sweet.
another thinking i had in my head, mostly when i travel back home do i think of such stuff on the MRT or on the walk home. okay. ya. ur right. its abt girls. but ya, i'm straight ya? =P
sometimes i wonder whether confidence ought to come from urself as a person or is it build up thru the years. like clay aiken's redition of "build me up, buttercup, just to let me down..."..someone can actually build u up. but another can actually build u down. how do u really define confidence and self esteem and ego.
i would say confidence really is from within. it can grow thru the years. but it has to start by loving urself first. if not, how do u love others. i remember counselling this girl b4 about how do u start loving others, if u cant love urself first.
its really like the phrase from the bible. "love others as yourself". i mean if u dun love urself, u r gonna have a hard time loving others manz. okay. so maybe i dun do what i preach. but i'm trying, its hard loving urself when u always try to put others first. but ya, there's always this slight self-centeredness and doing things to ease ur own load or something. so dun tell me u dont love urself.
but really, loving urself isnt abt being selfishness or self-centeredness. its about being comfortable in ur own skin. ur clothes can all match and even enhance ur looks, but one look, ur poise can give u off. and thats what turns me off the most, girls with no poise. displays low confidence in urself. and such girls, mostly are dependent on their bfs for their self-value and worth.
while ego, is the one that u build up urself. pple hate it, cos its too much for urself. thats like pride.
while self-esteem, is the one that pple causes into u to believe.
so the arrangement of ur "priorities" of these three factors in ur life should go: confidence,self-esteem,ego. confidence playing the foundation of ur self worth, self-esteem actually showing u how pple look at u and sometimes it might be true that ur confidence is too high when pple regard u lowly(but not always,judge for urself),ego being the one that boosts u up at the end of the day so that pple's putting of u down, does not kill u in the process.
i guess many pple misunderstand the meaning of it. and back to girls, i guess its not worth discussing whether they like a confident or a humble man. i think a balance of both. egos and pride arent a bad thing. but excess of it is.
end my "short and sweet" entry here. pen off. take care everyone. keep in touch. =)
yellowcard
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
3/06/2007 11:36:00 PM
hey ya everyone. back for another entry. seems like the past few entries were quite complainy and in fact quite pessimistic sometimes. i guess its time i get back to myself and stop complaining about my life and bein negative about everything and get back to discussing thoughts in my minds thru the week.
it feels weird that i used to have alot of galfriends,then i was looking thru my contact list in my phone a few days ago cos one of my closer galfriends that i usually ask out is back in China for holidays. its like i went thru the whole list without knowing who to ask out and who to spend time with. then i realised many of my galfriends have either become attached or are just the ones i no longer wish to go out with. maybe i need to know more girls=X and NS isnt helping much.
to think about it, since i've always been the type that circulates around friends and squeezes my time for each of them, i dun really have "concentrated" ones in which i can just ask out anytime other than the "scheduled" time each week or something. maybe i can do more "asking of them out" but i guess i'm just not that type. especially with guy friends.
CNY this year was damn boring. it gave me a feeling like i dun hav any friends anymore, cos i didnt want to do so much visiting but use the holiday for going out, while all friends visiting and everything. but it was just weird, the atmosphere this year was wrong. maybe cos i was spending it with pple i see almost every month or something. to me, CNY's all about seeing pple u dun see much in the year except for such an occasion.
i've been thinking about my dreams lately too..i guess at my age and what i am going to do next, its fast speed downslope once i enter university and the future is in my hands to control what i want to do for life. its like everyone knows i wanna do music, going to university just to honour my parents and get a degree that will stabilise my life and earn the investment i need to make in this music dream of mine.
okay,so i've been thinking much abt my music dreams, but thinking abt how to go about it, its gonna be hard. especially the christian way. pple that do ministry for life just seem to have to count on God everyday for the required money to live on and everything. my mum struck me when i said this childish dream of mine to organise a band for worship purposes almost every month to different parts of the world. she said how could i possibly do ministry and expect to earn money at the same time for life. but i guess its what we do for life, so if its career-based,i dun see why pple wont support u if they even love the idea.
its like if i go the secular way,how long can i sustain as an Asian out there. its like i can start in Canada but i'm still yellow. sometimes i blame myself for being chinese. but of course not when u think of all the chinese babes out there..=X i like chinese girls but hoping they can understand english too lar. or else its gonna be hard.
okay. enough about dreams. i'll just have to rethink it again and again. it just sucks to have to face reality that its time we start thinking about our future and what we r gonna do with our lives during this period when u have to choose the subjects or whatever passion u want to concentrate on. but i'm glad i'm not following the crowd and just deciding while moving. thats never gd enough.
if u read my blog, i guess all i can talk about is my three priorities, prioritised in this manner, God, Music, then Girls....
so i guess i'm going on to Girls now. =X
its so weird that all ur friends around u are getting attached and u are strongly clinging onto the idea of being single. especially when some of these girls actually liked u alot and still like u but because they cant persuade u to enter a relationship with them, they find security,love and comfort in someone else's hands.
i mean the possibility of me going into a relationship is like 20% now..and thats only if some girl can come around and actually persuade me that its worth it for her that i give up my personal single freedom, which i just love too much. and the possibility even if i go into a relationship now,to stay in it, is like only 5%.
singlehood is just too gd to be wasted going on a relationship and losing it. maybe at least for me. of course u will always have the feeling of wanting to get attached and sharing ur life with someone out there,but knowing u might hurt that person in the process of companionship by not committing ur whole time to her,u had rather not do so.
okay. i'm not as different as any guy out there. i do look and ogle at girls, and i do have desires and fetishes. my biggest one being i like older girls while i prefer girls to be at least my age for dating. but i guess its no big deal that i have fetishes for older girls,especially when i grow older and maturity between guys and gals almost equal out already.
i know pple that actually go on a relationship just for companionship,like replacing that "no friends" feeling with "at least having a bf" feeling. but that aint gd, especially when u rely on ur other half too much, u build ur world around him or her, then it collapses when she/he most likely feels too controlled by u and feels like they have their own life to live, and it doesnt only consist of u. thats real selfish of one to do, going into relationships for this kind of reason.
i always thought okay, maybe no serious relationships. but how about flings or just scandals. i guess its not possible, cos the way things go with me, either i take it lightly or the other party takes it lightly, u cant have both parties taking it lightly, especially when jealousy comes so often. i dun see how "ang mohs" do it by just, what i call it is "hit and run". =X or just "hanging around but not taking it seriously". its hard for a devotee like me to do such things.
maybe i just prefer to stay single now cos there's no one i've seen that i've even wanted to date out seriously. the previous dates i've had, i think they went well, but the problem lied with me as i guess i'm too picky or just act picky cos they're worth my giving up of singlehood.
i guess due to some reason. i've lost my charms already and guess like what others say "i'm losing my touch". sounds like some playboy ya. but i dun qualify to be one. especially when i take things too seriously most of the time. a thinker always gets into alot of situations cos of his thinkings that make him stray awy from the actual situation to cause a misunderstanding or a "thinking too much" situation, which scares those that practically dun think at all. just "do-ers".
and i guess i know the reason behind this. i may be always giving girls this sense of insecurity due to the way i take things so lightly in a relationship. i might be emotional and "chi-qin" but most of the times nowadays i try not to take things too seriously and because of the struggle for single freedom in a relationship, cause the other half to feel like i'm not really into it at all. especially when girls need to be secured at all times.
it all sums down to the way i see things in life. realised something about me. watched a couple of korean movies recently. okay ya. its unbelievable but love stories kind.
i always disliked such lovey dovey stuff cos to me love is not so dramatic and stuff. at least i disliked chinese love stories. but korean movies do relate to me well. and it discovered my biggest weakness and why i treat love and girls now like this. even how i treat friends and almost everyone in every situation.
okay. i've been watching two korean movies called "my girl & I" and "my sassy girl".
i'll start chronologically. okay this word "chronologically" sounds wrong as pple always use it when they ask about my "gf" history. =X
my sassy girl = okay..if u watched it, its like these two lovers that they are deeply in love with one another. at least the guy was. crazily in love. the girl confessed one day that they should separate for two years and that she has always been like taking him as a replacement for the previous bf she lost.
okay. basically, separation from the a very very close person, and in this case, the love of ur life. i've grew up with feelings of fear in separation. i just realised it can be the greatest fear that has instilled this "taking relationships,regardless of friends or lovers, lightly" and with the mindset that u will have to separate sooner or later, so dun take it too seriously or u only will hurt urself worse.
being one with music dreams that needs to leave for it wherever i can pursue it. i guess its a commitment to it that i cant commit to others. like best friends, i used to have many in pri sch. but knowing i always have to leave them some day and its gonna hurt badly if u took it too seriously, never took any friends to the "best friend" level anymore. rather have many than have just concentrated " a few".
that explains why i dun take relationships as seriously as others. its like cos i'm a player which pple may easily misunderstand or because i dun seriously love that person. but because of fear of separation that i try not to go too deep into feelings for that person.
not meaning every relationship of mine was like that. but because of some of them i actually went deep, i regret now especially when those were the ones that failed badly and i was dumped badly. thats another fear "fear of rejection".
i'll go on to the next movie "My girl & I".
its like about a girl that knows she has leukemia, so wishes to spend her remaining time with the guy she likes alot. its like really very touching that she cant control her emotions and just hopes to spend the remaining days with him knowing that it wont be for long and that she's dying soon.
the guy doesnt know about the sickness, but when he does, he cant accept it and they vow to be living in each other lives even if it means away from each other in different worlds. life and death issue.
this created a fear in me rather than me already having it. but also somewhat about separation. i guess thats why i related so well to these two shows that it almost got me crying. but i held it in. i mean what if u knew u loved someone and so young,the person is already going to have to leave u. Leaving u continue to love her, without her in ur life. i think its real sad.
maybe i used to avoid such love stories, cos i cant face the facts that such things actually happen. maybe i used to dislike such movies, cos i always hope love isnt like that. but it is, and it bloody well is. guess its gonna create even more hesitation for me to go into a relationship.
but i can say because of such fear, i've not put my best into relationships or friendships b4, not cos i'm a player again, but cos of the fear or hurt.
okay. i'll stop here..letting u guys know too much abt the soft side and inner details about myself. see i even try to hide details of my life from pple because of being afraid i get too close to someone, knowing they might have to leave someday, or most probably me leaving them.
thanks again for those that actually are reading this. thanks for the time in trying to understand me. cos again, its hard for me to really have the time and patience to read other pple's blog,but u did it for me. i'm thankful.
God bless. pen off.
yellowcard
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
2/14/2007 09:13:00 PM
hey everyone...its like about time that i blog again b4 i have a brain clot due to all the stuff in there not being able to come out...hahaz..and guess what...this date that i'm blogging,its Valentine's...maybe those lucky pple out there that actually take Valentine's as a sweet date with that someone may think i'm lonely or just feel self-pity inside myself on this day without a date...but guess what..u guys r wrong..i'm HAPPY that i'm still single..lolz=X
cos to me,if i am attached,on this day i'll be thinking whether that other half is actually the one for Valentine's or i rather date another girl out. while being attached aint so lovey dovey to me, in reality, at a "teen" age...i'm nineteen...its hard to figure and say what u really want in an opposite sex as a soul mate. and even if u r in one now and are deceiving urself that she/he may be the one for life..let me tell u..lets see what happens when u move down the life cycle and see whether ur thinking changes.
especially those in puberty age while hormones are still raging like crazy..i would say dun even try to define what u want in a soul mate then,cos i can tell u...even at my age or maybe even 5 yrs down the road, u might not be able to see a "settled" image of what u really want..it keeps changing..pple keep changing..and even if ur "image" of a soulmate doesnt change,the opposite party might..so why take the risk? when being Single is like a lot better than being entangled in a relationship with all the boundaries.
Relationships are the same as Work sometimes...u have them for more than half of ur life...why start early. the saying of Love being "Once a happiness...then a thousand times pain"..yeah its true...
okay what can be worse than not having a date on Valentine's?...being terribly sick..been like having a fever for the past few days..thought today i'll be alright,but woke up felt like vomiting...and whats worse than vomiting?...wanting to vomit,but cant...while not daring to try the "put a finger in my mouth" thingy...had food poisoning the past few days...the bed has been my partner for quite awhile...
was supposed to go out with my clique today for this pathetic "Single" celebration...but couldnt cos of "celebration" off having food poisoning...being "away from the world" for like three days..having to stay like a sick patient at home..means like the world taken away from me...even though had my mum most of the time...she cared alot...i love her..i wonder how my soulmate will impress me by being a better mum than her in future..seems quite impossible..
about singlehood...maybe its quite obvious that sometimes i do have crushes on some gals..but its a very "playboy" thingy...just liking and later show the liking quite obvious to the girl..then i back off..i'm not willing to commit,but somehow maybe giving them the wrong impression that i feel lonely..but actually truly i just love being single..not having to report to that someone everyday of my life..doing whatsoever i want to do each day...scheduling time and events without having to worry whether i'm being too busy for her...
this "self made-up" saying came across my mind like 30mins ago while bathing, dunno y either:
"Love is not a game..but if u wanna play it like a game...take it like a game."
okay...whatever..
and i cant believe how many feel so pathetic that they're single..its a great thing manz..being attached might feel like the only way to be single again is like go thru a very ugly scene of breaking up where urs or her heart or both get involved in the scenario. i rather keep my love shared without worrying about whether i'm giving too much attention to this particular girl or another girl during a period of time. and i can move on anytime i want.
maybe thats why i dun hav best friends either,maybe ever since pri sch..i knew the meaning of having to leave some place...like from Canada to Singapore..sch to sch...in army,training sch to training sch....i didnt bother having a best friend anymore..many close friends are what does it for me...dun hav to devote to any particular person..just like a relationship. i mean what u can do for one...u can do for many too...why just do it for one?
and my dream doesnt allow me to have to stick to one place forever,i'll move to wherever my dream takes me...and i want the option to be able to move rather than having to stay behind because of some sweetheart or darling. so i guess i'll be like my dad in a way...just move on and on...when time comes,the one will appear...get married,move along wherever with her...so its obviously not this age that i'm gonna get attached..its like she has to be able to have the freedom to say she's gonna leave with me...but not reluctantly,but because she has the same type of dreams.
okay..back to Valentine's...for all those lovey dovey couples out there...Happy Valentine's day...its coming to an end soon...anyways,its just a normal day...every date should be taken like a Valentine's date...take it seriously...Valentine's day is just a day to remind pple to remember to be sweet at least once a year to that special someone.
hope i feel better tml...dunno why i dunno what to write anymore..maybe the sickness has caught my brain...and thanks for reading u peeps...cos i think i'm getting more and more self-centered on what i have to say..without caring how u all feel abt it...i'll try harder the next time...=P pen off.
yellowcard
Monday, January 29, 2007
1/29/2007 05:50:00 PM
hey guys..its time for an entry into my blog again..been awhile i guess..and yes shuling..i'll enter more often when i can...but usually i do so when i really have nothing to do at home and have so much to say to no one but the blog...which rarely happens...so i hope u all r glad to see me rarely blogging..or else..if u do see more of it...thats mean there's really something wrong with me..especially with a social life like mine lar..
its like hard now..cos..i'm in the office..and the usual comp i used..has been moved away due to some virus attack or something..so this com is like in the open..so..not very comfortable..i usually blog nowadays while having office duties in my office..its like duties that u have to ensure the locking up of the office after everyone is done...usually of course NSFs(National servicemen full-time) will end faster than working personnels on their timings..but for some reason..we have to stay back to ensure everything is kept in the cupboards..locked up..all the secret and sensitive stuff and make sure the office is secured when everyone leaves...
okay..today i decided to like comment more abt myself rather than anything else in this world...
and if u know me well..there's this thing called being an MCP(male chauvinist pig)..okay..let me bring u to understanding this term..its just a guy,that usually u only see in the past having such mindset,that thinks his own gender as a guy is much than that of the other sex..the girl...and to an extreme case...being better than anything in the world..hoping everything except God...or else thats a major egoist...
let me show u some cases...bf and gf goes out...gf asks bf to shut up and listen to what she has to say and she decides for everything and anything and bf is just to follow her....bf is greatly offended..pride is greatly hurt..thinks gf is going beyond her rights of being a girl in the relationship and is trying to take the role of a "guy" in the relationship...
okay..if thats to u like "every guy will feel that way..how do u different shape an MCP?"...
an MCP's rules :
in the case of meals, girls r not allowed to pay the bill for him...in most cases,he wants to pay at least a bit more...and in extreme cases that the girl insists she pays...she only gets to pay her share..
in the case of carrying heavy loads..guy carries for the girl..not in the sense of being only a gentlemanly..but as the male gender in his mind is stronger than the female gender..the male should naturally do what he thinks the female cannot possibly do...
in the case of a competition...if its a friendly match..the guy can allow the girl to win..but if the girl is strongly insistent on wanting to win the guy flat out..thats not gonna happen..and if that does..the girl is labelled as a feminist...the worse case kinda girl that an MCP will never never accept as a gf...
in the case of doing simple stuff in life...a girl is to respect him in all cases and approach him if she needs help and is not to overrule him in anything..cos guys r the superior gender..so should excel above in every case...
and in the case of wooing a girl (applies to me largely)...the guy is suppose to take the first initiative if the girl isnt..but the girl should be largely more attracted to the guy than he is to her...should like "worship" him and after the first step is taken...the girl should always submit and be the one that usually tries to please him instead of vice versa...
okay..that sounds bad in terms of how a MCP is like..its hard to describe in words..but its a really annoying thing if ur bf is one...my gfs would have understood...one excelling me in subjects and studies..while another one trying to overrule me in the position of being the "guy" in the relationship...
but if u know me..i'm not totally hardcore MCP..so its still alright..or else i wouldnt have so many galfriends too i guess..its just very traditional of a guy in this age of equality to still in fact,insist that the girl should submit and guys r the lead in every relationship and in everything...
i mean ya..equality prevails in a relationship..but somehow..someone msut take lead..and obviously..guys have alot of pride...how is it possible to let down all of it..especially when an MCP has like loads of them...to a girl?
its really interesting to have understood my case of being an MCP..its gd and bad...gd in the sense of being mostly gentleman and being able to lead in relationships and friendships where pple like to submit and r waiting to be led...but bad in the sense of pple that do not do it on purpose..but excel on things u think u should do better in..
the worse thing u can do to an MCP is question his masculinity..thats like wrong..cos if he expects to excel above girls..he most probably will wan to excel above guys in the range of anything a guy does...so naturally..u should know why that MCP is like so serious on everything u puts his mind to doing...
there's only like a thin line between an egoist and an MCP..an MCP isnt proud..but just his mindset and thinkings already cause him to have the need to be more superior than others as a "higher being" in the situation..but as an egoist..its very different...he wont take things seriously..and in fact..he most of the time loses because of overconfidence..and thinking he has arleady won b4 even doing so...and mostly makes a fool out of himself..cos even when he's wrong..he doesnt want to admit it..
i dunno why i'm talking so much abt this..but if this entry doesnt make sense to u..maybe i understand..cos i feel like i'm just talking shit...but hope it caused some food of thought into guys why i'm like that..while to girls,watch out abt me and other guys or even ur bfs that suffer from such problems..maybe u will find a way around it if u understand him more..and submit more...i dun believe there's 100% MCPs left...but there is sure to be some guys that suffer from a bit of it..dun condemn them..understand them..they dun suffer from the whole disease..but as prideful mammals..we do have some stuff in us that we need to settle as a guy with u girls..
okay..i think i better leave...staying here to type the last few sentences of this is pathetic when everyone has left and i'm left here alone interacting with this stupid com...cya guys around..do "shout" in my box if u visit or something..or happen to read this stupid entry..=) God bless
yellowcard
Thursday, January 18, 2007
1/18/2007 05:31:00 PM
hey everyone..must be wondering...wow...Cliff u finally shorten the period between ur posts in ur blog...but nayz...cos i'm bored..and rather than like surfing online and doing rubbish...maybe i rather air my thoughts in my head to pple that actually are reading this...
i'm in office now...okay..last week was a bad week..the weekend was gd but not gd enough to get me up and ready for this week...was a tiring many weeks since the year started...
okay..what i do in my office...8-5pm and most of the time pass the timing cos of visits..i'll elaborate of visits more later...its more like i'm a Clerk in the office...making someone's job in the SAF as a regular easier..okay..this is my story..
started off in NS in jan 2006...after taking like 6 mths off for holidays since my return from Canada...broke with her(Clara whom i met in Canada,but actually stays in Singapore too) in like Sept 05...it was a very drastic thing to have done but i guess i know why now...cos i dunno what i want in a girl and i cant get settled so soon...i wont be satisfied.
back to the story,always drifting away from the main point..no wonder my concentration and focus aint very gd...wandering off..like how i am doing now again..back to the story..wentinto NS...with mindset of "yes..i'm gonna be a man soon and become tougher and national service is gonna be fun..cos i love challenges in life and i love fitness and to become a soldier...not everyone has tthat experience..."...but little did i know that it aint that fun after all...
i wont even start abt talking abt the SAF...it was a disappointment to me..but anyways,just two years..and byebye singapore..off to studies...
came in NS.started BMT (basic military training) with the leadership batch...those from the JC batch..being one year younger than the norm..but physically not any lousier than them..but mostly even better than most of them...
once i started out,i aspired to be an officer..tried everything possible to do my best and even pressured myself on every obstacle when missing home and my parents were already more than enough to handle...cos if u know how i am...parents went HK for permanent job one mth b4 my NS...broke up with a gf i truly loved 3 mths b4 it...then my bro's in Canada studying for University...while my sis is in Singapore and engaged...going to get married soon..but already has a house with her other half...and rarely do i even see her...especially when real NS only lets u come out like on weekends only..
had this desire to let expose myself to music in Singapore and get out there to share my music too...auditioned for so many bands..but none suited me...the only punk band that liked me and i loved them..was kinda racist and going into metal..so it was like quits for me..
abt being an officer...to the end of the BMT course in pulua tekong..my officerdid ask me why i was aspiring for it...i may have gotten it due to my gd performance and stuff...but i answered him in a purposeful manner of rejecting it "for the money Sir"...cos officers get paid alot per mth...like 1000 dollars?..a sergeant only 700 dollars...while a normal NSF in army..like 400 500....
but i knew it was not for me..i didnt like the idea of NS...felt like really why did i want to do it so badly in the first place...but i dun think its a matter of choice..no wonder its called National Service..its service u dun volunteer for..but its a requirement for all citizens...whatever that means..
so i didnt get to officer cadet school(OCS)...but got into SISPEC instead...School of infantry specialists..which just means sergeant course lar..okay...so my mindset changed..in BMT..i wanted to do my best for everything..cos it might mean a chance for going to OCS..but when i ended up in SISPEC...like not here and not there...really..in NS...either be at the bottom and listening to instructions only..or the top,giving instructions...dun be in the middel when u have to listen and u have to give..its like a bit of both worlds..
but nvm..i got my CORPORAL rank...two stripes compared to sergeant's three stripes...and i went out of course...due to an injury..okay..this injury doesnt affect me in real life...cos when do u have to carry like 20-30kg of stuff on ur bag..for no reason at all...so ya..but it does hurt when i carry stuff for too long..
i went out of course after the First Phase of the sergeant course..was quite disappointed cos i went thru all that stuff in SISPEC and only to be a CORPORAL..a rank pple can get surely after like 1 and a half years of serving..but i got it in 6 mths lar...but to still not get the three stripes u were aiming for..it was saddening..
but also as much as i wanted to continue and not care abt my back pain...pple advised me and talked sense into me that health comes first..dun waste ur future for NS..NS is only two years..serve it and not get injured in the process...its not worth it..
yeah i guess so...so i got downgraded..and now i'm in MINDEF "Ministry of DEfence"...okay..i wont elaborate abt the place..in case its security stuff i'm elaborating abt...but its really an office building where civilians go to..and mostly are regulars that sign on...so as a CORPORAL..i'm like the highest ranking NSF (nation serviceman full-time) here...cos only sign ons can get ranks sergeants and above here...unless on rare issues..
being a Clerk is alright..what was so sucky about my week last week?..i got scolded like hell when ya...forgot..i'm like most of the time going out there being a "professional photographer"...thats what the department wants me to portray myself as...no professional training..no proper upperstudy to teach me how to take photos...cos my upperstudy upgraded to a officer exempt once i came in...and all photographer which was actually secondary to me..became my primary concern...
without all that..they expect me to just take the camera and go out there and take brilliant photos..and have to be responsible for every shot..i'm not a photo person..in fact..i hate taking photos...dun even talk abt snapping shots..to pose me for a photo is hard enough..unless its gonna be a fun one..hehez
okay...so its visits that i take care of..like generals and high ranking officers coming from other countries to have relations established with our generals...then i'll have to be there following them almost everywhere they go..and taking photos for them...
sounds easy right? pple will like say..pathetic..u serve NS and u are taking photos?..so slack ar...but ur wrong manz...i thought so too at the beginning...until last week..
it was this closing ceremony..if u watched the news..there was this brunei service chief..those with stars on their ranks..like generals..in our country..its called Chief of army,navy or Airforce lar...he came...the last event on the list was this closing ceremony where a parade was involved...
i had to take very crucial photos...and i did take them...just that at the end of the thing..when i returned home..i realised "i did not put any memory card in to store the photos!!!"...pathetic right...
okay..i wanted to keep quiet abt it..but i knew i shouldnt..so i told my sergeant abt it...i didnt want it to be covered up..so i owned up to him abt it..asking him whether it was important and that i did not use any memory card..so the photos were just taken and then erased automatically...cause there is this stupid setting that allows u to say yes or no to the setting of "take photos without memory card"...
so u cant blame me..i do check whether i take gd photos after every shot..but the problem is..it displays and previews the photos after every shot even without the memory card with this setting set to yes...but straight after..is not in memory anymore...
my sergeant was like "actually.i also lazy to develop..."...then i was like "pheww"...thinking since he said that..it shouldnt be very important...but the next day..he didnt cover up well..the officer in charge pressured him..and he revealed everything abt me...why didnt he let me do it myself...cos i really didnt want to cover up..or else why would i even own up to him..haiz..
got into alot of trouble..and the whole office knew when i came back today..cos since start of the year..always running outside taking photos for the many visits this month is packed with...
i hope to get back my reputation..and i have to earn it back..its like bad enough to be on the neutral list at the beginning..but now in the black list...i have to do very well b4 i can get out of that..my aspiration this year to leave SAF with a lasting gd impression on those that i work with..no matter who...and to think they also know i'm a christian...i'll show them that its because i am one that i'll be better than anyone else for the job...to do my best...
guess it was a wake up call..cos ever since i went into SISPEC..i didnt give a damn abt anything more abt SAF...cos i was quite disappointed abt the posting to be a sergeant..but i knew it was the impression i gave my officer in BMT that i wanted to be..since i didnt want to be an officer..with all the responsibilities and the patriotism...and didnt want to be ordered around like a dog and still lead as a leader..that was perfect for me...
while i didnt like getting trapped up with no freedom in NS..i guess God knew what was right for me..and what i wanted..the freedom to go home everyday..and the freedom of still having a life out there...while being in an environment where i can learn stuff that i may be able to apply strongly to my future..like public relations,politics in an office,people relationship,responsibilities and really a working environment...having to be at the bottom of the food chain..serving and humbling myself down...i guess thats what i need..have too much pride and stuff..MCP u will call it...Male Chauvinist Pig...
okay..thats all i gotta say for now i guess...thanks again for all those patient dudes and gals that really care abt what i say to have read all the way here..=)
take care...pen off..
yellowcard
Thursday, January 11, 2007
1/11/2007 09:30:00 PM
hey guys..back for another entry...Why?..cos..too much thinkings going into my brain..i know i can never finish saying what i want to say and abt whats going on with the storm in my brain...cos this blog entry will be too bloody long..it may not even stop or even have a definite length if i went on...but i guess..getting rid of some of them once in awhile is gd...while most of the time,have no one to tell such nonsense to...
something abt me i found out is that i dun have no best friend..no one that understands me totally or anyone who totally just knows whats going on with my life at any point and every point...maybe i'm just scared...dunno scared abt what also lar...but i just like to have this personal part of me thats kept secret and that pple shouldnt know fully abt..its scary when one does..ya...i wont talk abt someone who does..other than God...cos there isnt..but if someone insists he/she does..thats scary...
maybe i just dun like confining myself to just one person....okay..its true..its not playboyish...but really..there's a part of me that gets bored of my gf once in awhile...but it goes away oonce i re-realise why i'm with her and why i chose her...okay..b4 minds wander..i dun hav a gf....okay..that gets to another issue...thats gd...cos i should skip topic now...and this is also a topic...cos pple say i dun like talking too much in detail..i can talk alot..but skim each topic and go on...never into details..but alot of topics concerning that topic...but not into that topic itself..or any of the topics itself...get what i mean?...=P
i dun hav a gf...maybe to me,its cos ya...no one will love a boy like me...thats true to a certain extent..cos if u disagree with me...u only can give examples of girls that really really like me...but whether they are truly in love with me...thats another question...and i can tell u...NO...cos its true...if there was...among the serious gfs i had...i wouldnt have given any of them up..but i dun regret doing so...cos i do need to get back to reality and meet reality and God that tells me that they're not for me...
but no...thats to me...to others its like i dun wan a gf...i dunno y i dun wan one...maybe i'm scared to commit and have to report to her abt my daily life...maybe thats scary to me...but i guess its more because i dun wan to hurt the girl...cos its gonna either be because i'm not sure what i want...or because some stupid reason lik "freedom" that i'll give it up...maybe i really need to learn the meaning of "true love" first...
but really..who out there really understands what its abt...maybe all we christians do when we live in admiration of God's love for us...but i guess its really hard to learn to love that way...or maybe i've just not come to a stage that i'll give my heart out to someone..its all crushes and stuff only..
okay..maybe this blog entry is boring u all..cos i'm like saying stuff that i just want to say..regardless of whether u all wanna hear...okay ya...this is what a blog is about..just saying stuff u wanna say...and if pple r interested in ur stuff..they read..if not...just press the X sign at the top right corner of ur screen..it will do wonders...=X
but ya..the main idea of this is that i'm bein paranoid..and thinking too much..i dunno y...i can just go on forever if i want to...just feel very lost..but i dun know why..my life was going almost perfect...maybe thats when u fall...everything was nice...and because of nothing at all now..i feel disturbed..feel seriously problematic..but guess what..i'm figuring whats the problem...
been like talking to pple i've not talked to for long..just saying i miss them...dunno y..i just feel this sense that there's so much to be done..but so little done..and i just cant wait to get out there and do something..but i just have to wait..i just have to wait for the right timing...
yeah..its abt music again...its abt christianity too...sometimes u wish u could do more about both of them...especially when i'm trying to combine them both now..i mean i have this thinking:
whats the big deal about secular/worldly music...it sends a message out..it does make pple respond...but it sometimes even influences...yeah..music is a strong thing...it can heal,it can affect,it can influence..it can even describe how a person is..especially from the music he listens to...it really does...if u notice..
wordly music fades with time...and it does send a message abt how u feel...but there's so much more to us than this world alone...i dunno abt u guys,but i'm not willing to just die after everything i've done on this earth...i dun need to be remembered..but i need to make an impact to pple that changes their lives...not for the needy or what...the problem with the world sometimes is that...who says the people that are in need are in need of money...or love from u...how long can these last...what abt an everlasting gift that will ensure that they live each day...smiling no matter what...
let me ask u...does anything on earth even give u the satisfaction of being fulfilled?...dont u always feel there's something in ur soul that feels empty...dun ignore that feeling...if u have eyes..open them properly...cos u r not seeing properly if u dun realise something...while u arent living if u dunno what ur living for...dun give urself an excuse of it being just fate that things happen...or just being a scientist to find out what this world is about..when its more than this world that u need to know about...
i dun believe in MOther nature or whatever u think that does not exist that made this world..if u look carefully...its more than just a person that created all these lovely things in life...just admire nature and everything in the world...only something perfect can make something as perfect as these...while there was once this man..its true...check it up if u dun believe me....HE came...died on the cross...for our sins...and He's really what this life is about...
we christians dun live happily with satisfaction because of nothing..but its cos we found whats more than this life...and really...without a reason to live...there's no point in living..u r living but u arent living...if u get what i mean...
ya.this is whats my blog is abt...whether u like it or not..pple can condemn it for being so christian based..but yes..thats how i am..accept it or not...
my blog is abt how i feel...and thats part of it...
about being paranoid..i guess there's no use in thinking abt how to resolve it...cos thats really whats paranoia abt...thinking too much..if i'm already paranoid..i have much to think abt..what more think abt the problem itself...the only thing i can do is try to understand myself more..and maybe somehow i might discover a different side of me i never knew...
i'll pen off here..thanks for reading if u did manage to get here..i appreciate it..=)
yellowcard
Monday, December 25, 2006
12/25/2006 11:53:00 PM
hey guys,
back for another entry manz...know its been hectic in my life recently...but at last got to make some time to freaking blog...and to ensure those that always come to visit will still have something to read once in awhile..here i am..hehez =X
its like been quite awhile since i've even stop to think abt my life...to think of whether its going in the right direction and whether i'm satisfied abt it or should i change my steer to a different direction...
recently,musically...its quite flourishing...even though me and norman disbanded..its like true passion of music will not fail even if upsets come or problems arises with other musicians..personally,ur heart will still go on...
yeah..to me,its like priorities is like God,Music then girls...so its great now...cos now i wan to combine this love of music with the love of God...been doing it alot in recent years in fact...in church,teaching drums to little kids or even those that r humble enough to say "i'm not gd..but do u think i can learn"...its not abt being gd or u think u're gd...its abt whether u have the heart to learn...or else me myself,wouldnt have reached this stage at all...
its a great experience teaching pple..i learn alot myself about how to encourage pple and how to show love to those that have completely no confidence in themselves while some being overconfident...it reflects their personality and character so much..its like thru teaching...i understand them at the same time and at the same time,i'm doing a gd deed and enjoying myself imparting whatever little skills i have to them...
and to the other extreme...there's always those paranoid ones that go like a few beats then say "i cant do this lar!..."...or get very very confused and irritated by the beat when all u need to do is feel it,do it and keep trying...dun think so much...somethings in life when u think too much and just keep being paraonoid abt whether to do it or not,the thing could have been already achieved halfway or even all the way by then...
been coming up with a band in church...like teaching the drummer while jamming with them...teaching the guitarist and learning vocals myself...okay..i know for those that know how i sing,i'm not gd...its just a normal voice and sometimes pple still think it sucks..but yeah..i'm trying and i'm willing to accept it if pple say its awful...but definitely its not tone deaf...(for the many that know who i am talking abt...she herself is drastically tone deaf herself..-_-")...imagining someone telling u u r tone deaf when they themselves are tone deaf...and u just dun wan to hurt them by saying it cos u know how it feels urself...she should just record her voice..=X
okay..abt vocals..its fun..but now i know how hard it is..and thru alot of training,ur voice actually does improve...so its not so much abt whether u have it..its just how long u need to train it..like musical instruments..if ur talented,u r gd straight away...if ur not,u just work hard and u can achieve it...but the most important thing is to dare to take the step of daring to sing or daring to learn it first...thats the obstacle everyone needs to pass if u really want to do something..have confidence in urself and JuSt Do IT!
and think abt it..even if ur talented..it caused an ego in urself..its hard to be humble and say u rather a simple life when u r bloody rich...same goes to have a talent...but whats more?...its the humble that try hard...and its the pple that try hard and work for it that gain success...success is earning it even though it seemed so farfetched in the beginning...not when it was just a hands-reach away for u to acquire...
okay..so back to the band...being in a band aint only abt being talented..u can be all talented..but working together and learning from one another along the way...thats a very hard process to go thru...relationships and having to humble urself to learn from others...its a very gd experience for pple who r too full of themselves to even listen to what other pple say..
i've learnt thru forming a band that it aint only abt urself and the balance of volume in a band really makes u watch out for others and to play along with each other instead of against each other...its really hard...especially for those that want the spotlight...but in this case..they must think whether it sounds nice "as a whole" instead of whether personally "its nice"....
and where the love of God and Music comes together is cos this is a christian band...we go play secular songs..but just for influences...once we r better...straight dive into christian songs...more like for church than for anything else..and for the relationships and bonding rather than for music and stuff...
since the common interest in music..there's where we'll combine as one to do something for God..
yeah...its like Christmas..okay like 12 mins past already..but yesh...ever thought how the word Christmas came about? ....CHRISTmas...CHRISTIANITY....thats like quite obvious le...okay..for those that dun get it...its alright...we forgive u...like my saying goes...there aint no pple with no brains...its just that there r stupid pple with brains that dunno how to use them..=X
and it aint abt shopping and it aint abt christmas carols or gifts or anything...its abt the birth of Jesus Christ upon this earth...2006 years ago...ever thought why its still celebrated to this day...and ever thought why our time is set according to B.C. Before Christ and A.D...which to me is "After his Death"...but its true...time only started counting when He died...and why not when u died or i died?
if He didnt exist,why do pple celebrate His bday to this date and why does no persecuations against christianity ever succeed and the Bible is the like the most evident book in history ever written...and its like the best selling book up to this date..maybe not at particular periods..but all the while..it hasnt stopped publishing...
And if He did die for us for our sins...why would someone even do that?...i mean u say stuff that r gonna make u put on the cross and die a horrible death...and stuff that even to this date...pple r still pondering abt the true meaning of it in the Bible...there's only three possibilities in this case...yeah ur gonna tell me "there're lunatics that do so too"...but the things He said...were more sane than any of us living today...and nothing He said is contradictory to any part of what He said before or after...
three possibilities being He is a lunatic,Liar or really...He is God...a lunatic doesnt perform miracles none of us can now do...and being a liar...who would continue to lie when faced with a CRUCIFIXION(read up abt it..it aint funny..its not like commiting suicide...its like something no one would want) charge....while the last possibility is really up to u all to believe...i wont say much anymore..
hope u all had a MERRY MERRY Christmas...=)
yellowcard
Sunday, October 29, 2006
10/29/2006 11:57:00 PM
hey everyone, not much time to blog recently...just like see how long ago my last entry was..busy at work..overtime overtime...and busy lifestyle i guess...latest update is usually,a hungry man is an angry man,even though it applies to me too but not as much as,a "not-enough-sleep" Cliff is a short-fused Cliff...watch out=X
Cliff's personal philosophy/understanding of life:
Only when u admit u know nothing much about something or the opposite of what u hope to happen,happens,do u then start to really to come to understand that particular thing,or live in self-denial about it:
examples to support reasoning:
Only when u discover how immature u r,will u start to grow more mature.
Only when u know how not to fail after failing or learning from other pple's mistakes(not inclusive of being pure lucky),do u understand whats success is about and how to achieve it.
Only when u lose a gf,do u understand the worth of her in the first place.
Only when u realise how much u dun know what love is about,do u discover what it is really about.
Only....
Only...
CAn give alot of examples..maybe phrased the philosophy in a quite complicated or not understandable way,but hope as many that understand,understand what i mean...hehez...but only when u dun understand,will u come to want to understand =X
but the philosophy/theory plus examples to support it is what i learnt for ALGEBRA(advanced) in CAnada...but is also what Literature and pure common sense tells u to do to convince others...
i'll end myself here..
yellowcard
Friday, September 22, 2006
9/22/2006 02:25:00 PM
hey everyone,back for another entry...firstly,i wanna thank all those that have come to my blog to take a look once in awhile...even if it means once a month..i'm honoured to have ur speculation...=) and those that show their presence by shouting in my box...thanks manz...at least i know i'm not writing this blog for me,myself and Cliff...=) for those that have a problem shouting in the box...i do apologise...its system failure i guess...i've tried shouting sometimes and cant get across to u all too..if u cant,just try again another time lo..
have my own email account in MINDEF le...but dun ask me whats my email address there...its only usable thhere as the internet there is not the normal one..its called freaking "Intranet"...so cant send emails out like usual..but only to pplein the system..okay...since i've been advised not to tell others outside SAF too much about whats inside...i'll abide..even though actually i dun give a damn..but saving my ass is important i guess...especially disclosing in blogs about SAF...can go to jail for it...i rather not even talk abt SAF...its no big deal anyways...
anyways,life's been gd...my lifestyle is really simple now i guess...just hanging out with friends most of the time,church,muay thai,work(MINDEF)...thats all i guess...even have lost the flow of music in my bloodstreams...i really wanna resurrect that spirit...but been pretty dry lately..and i'm quite lost about what to do...norman(my vocalist) and i have a problem finding pple for the band..while i cant stand how he drags things and not take things seriously...he's someone i really can say "talk is cheap" manz...can say something..but never do it..
for now,i'll just put music pursuit aside...not saying i'm putting away my music learning and upgrading of skills aside too..NEVER manz...but thats all for now...until i can really find true pple to form a band thats dedicated and "dreamful"...
love-wise....i guess i'm still trying to get rid of the 10% of love i've left for her...its like been one year...she's attached...and i'm just left to rot and get over this 10% that will just not go away...its just dreadful...maybe many of u have felt it b4...but to someone like me that hass the mindset of "i only like someone one-sidedly,while i only love someone that loves me too"...and obviously this someone is deeply in love with someone else le...
i'm very sure i know the reason i broke up with her was not only because i couldnt handle a long-distance relationship but also cos i knew there was something missing in her that i really needed...that's religion...she's a "just be there in church" catholic...while i'm a "24/7" christian...okay..i know i have my flaws..but i do try...i'm human after all..but thats not an excuse...
but maybe needing such a long period to get over her may be due to the fact of how i gave my heart to her in love...arguing to my parents that she was who i wanted for life...who i wanted to marry...and wanting to shout from a mountain top and everywhere i go that "i love her"...it was just crazy...i dun think she even loved me as much..maybe only 3/4...but who am i to judge...i was the one who dumped her in the worse situation of being alone in an environment she had to adapt to without parents...nvm..just in case she reads this...i'll stop...
talking so much abt it is due to the fact of how much i think abt why i choose to be single and love being single now...freedom may be a big part of it...not having to be accountable to anyone maybe another part of it...but i have a feeling that there's a huge reason behind it that i'm denying to accept...living in self-denial...cos i'm not naturally one that doesnt like relationships...i really love being in a relationship when its with the right one..but so far,the so-many relationships i have had...no matter short or longer abit or even just flings or infatuations...i only had one that i cant forget and really have no doubt it was love..and it was this one...
now i may say i want to be single..but once in awhile,usually i pity couples as they have to go thru so many storms and the guy not having the freedom to be like me,but really...once in awhile,i do get jealous and envy how they can go thru life together...and have one another to rely on for refuge or even for comfort..lik ehwat they say "when one falls,the other helps him/her up"...its not so much abt childish jealousy of saying "i want a gf too"...but more like "how sure am i that singlehood is whats really for me"...but at least for now..it is..i only want to get attached in university...the stable part of life and the place where i wish to live in future - Canada...
university is the most ideal time to have a relationship...now i understand why so many adults only allow us to have a relationship and approve of it when we're 18 or 21...18 maybe due to u being in poly...but i think 21 is better...cos after poly..the NS period is real hard to manage as a couple...why go thru such a period if u can avoid it...and why 21?...tell me whats the age u wanna get married?..only..if u tell me 21...okay...go ahead and have a relationship at 18 or even 15..cos the years to go by as a couple b4 marriage is less...but imagine if u tell me 26-30 for girls or 28-32 for guys(which is the normal case in such a generation..mostly 30s also can)...then why start so early...even if u start at 21..and u want to get married at 30 if u r a guy...its like so long later lar...imagine dating for 10 years b4 getting married...
maybe some of u will say "thats romantic"..but how long can u keep up with the relationship...okay..lets not even talk abt being divorce later...but after 10 years...u can even manage 10 years relationship..not even talking abt marriage...its really hard to keep it fresh and everything..usually pple just date for 3-5 years then get married le lo...so plan for urself ba...not forgetting that u must be financially stable with a gd job at hand b4 getting into a relationship..unless u want to live off ur parents or the other party...
i think to me,to have a relationship at 21..i still can afford a few more b4 finding the one...i've set a standard for myself...to try to just have only two more serious steads...one being the one i marry...so i wanna take my choice of girls on a very careful scale b4 even stepping into a relationship with them...cos 21 is still so young...i wanna get married late 20s...not too old..i dun wanna hit 30 plus...maybe 30 is the most i'll go without marriage...okay..but who am i to decide that..lol...
yeah..just to sum it all up...ur parents do say things that are sensible to u at a young age..knowing u will deny it until u grow more mature and older...but at least u will remember "hey...no wonder my parents told me that"...an example is like ur parents tell u not to smoke...while being a stubborn and stupid teenager...u will try...then when u regret...u will remember the words of wisdom from ur parents and say "why didnt i listen to them in the first place"...
real maturity is only when u come to know how childish u have been...and coming to know that u have a lot of years to go b4 u become a matured adult and not arguing to others abt how mature u r when they say u r not...and also maturity and sensibility is only when u come eye to eye with how ur parents say things...unless they are unlogical ones lar...lol...
okay..i'll pen off here...just needed to take off some thoughts from my mind and share it with those interested readers...thanks for reading...=) God bless...
yellowcard
Thursday, August 10, 2006
8/10/2006 07:56:00 PM
hey everyone...coming back for a new entry to this blog again....been awhile...been busy...office work aint easy..the mental stress is high especially when u r dealing with stuff thats suppose to be like secrets and top secrets...cant handle them anyhow..have to handle them with extreme sensitivity..and once in awhile...to cover for visits from other countries...their generals come over and visit...being a photographer for SAF...never been gd with photos nor cameras...
actually i hate using cameras...unless its like taking photos with that dear gf of urs...that was fun...but other than that...rarely u see me with a cam or anything...or else i wouldnt be in the only one in my family that doesnt want having camera or anything too much to do with photos...
okay..i've been on two occasions a photographer for SAF liao...both were embarassing...the first one was okay..i was just like aiming the cam at this officer then was trying to press the button...then he smiled and then said "u can take photos...but u have to take off the lens cover first"..i was like blushing red(if i could do so..obviously my face doesnt blush..and i dun get embarassed)...but it was just stupid..
second event...i was like introducing myself to this high rank officer...i said "hi..my name is Cliff"...then he didnt reply then helped me adjust my collar...okay..i was wearing a shirt...a formal shirt..not pattern pattern one...and was wearing a tie too...with formal pants and formal shoes..what a sight...Cliff in formal clothes...usually i would do so...but only like on weddings or else it would be only semi-formal...shirt with jeans and shoes...
my collar was flipped up due to the fact that i didnt have to wear a tie no more...it was just embarassing due to the fact that i like didnt know how to look right on such an important occasion..a visit from generals of the indonesian army...
nvm...to think that was bad enough...this photographer said my hand shakes alot when i take photos...and it can be seen in my photos..but what the heck..i dun see anything...to my naked eye..its like perfect...maybe to the normal person..shaked means blur...to them shake means a little blur or something...a blurness that normal ppl are not sensitive to...
okay..lets talk abt today...was developing photo..and i was choosing photos for this four generals...and i ended up choosing photos correct for three of them...but the fourth one was not the general that i was suppose to develop photos for...okay...he was not a general..he was only a high ranking officer...so i chose the wrong guy...but they just look all the same...and different occasions..they give different spastic smiles...cant blame me for cocking up the show at last min...
the problem was we were in a rush to develop photos...firs ttime i argued with a kodak film developing manager that i only could give him 30mins to develop the photos...not his claimed 1 hour...then he like say 40mins..then i was like saying.."no...30mins"...
cos these generals are leaving on a ferry in 40 mins...and i needed time space for sorting out the photos...and luckily...time for choosing a few other photos if i chose wrongly...
my officer was like "with ur own judgment..choose the photos for me...i cant be there when u choose...but after u develop..i'll hope u sort out"...i knew something was going to be wrong...especially when i had no damn idea which general was which...
then later when re-choosing the fourth general photos...i just found out that during the whole visit...i was not taking photos of the right person...which made me panic when i saw few photos of that other general...but was relieved when i found that he was the lower ranking officer of them all...so logically...i could give him less photos than the rest of himself...
okay..i just cocked up the show and felt damn stressed abt it...cos dealing with such generals and making them late for ferry or not taking the photos well...would give them a bad impression of Singapore and SAF...
been like thinking about alot of things...music-wise...i'm just waiting for a chance to shine...a drummer is nothing without a band...i wish i was a frontman that plays guitar...then everyone would badly need me...not meaning drummers arent needed as much lar...but just meaning i could go solo if i couldnt form a band...now i'm just waiting for one...currently in one with Singapore Idol Norman...waiting for guitarists and bassists to join and complete the band b4 performing locally...
but we are also waiting for Singapore Idol finalist Joakim to drop out of the competition..cos Norm said he may not sing well..but he's gd at keyboardist...but i mean...with his voice...i cant believe he went so far..Joakim is a joke...i think other than looks...he has nothing much..its an act altogether...but i guess thats what singapore idol is about..its not entirely only on ur voice...when pple that vote for the guy contestants are mostly girls that fall in love with their looks...and thus,is blind to thinking their voice is gd too...
love-wise...i dunno y...but i've felt recently that i'm attracting the wrong age grp of girls...maybe its not wrong..but maybe its just me...okay...so girls that look at me now are mostly older than me...clubbing,girls think i'm older than i am..like twenty plus...in public...girls that openly stare at me look like they r in their late twenties..or early twenties...i dunno...but maybe thats how i am..
anyways,since young..i've liked older girls better...somehow...its quite natural for me to like a girl older than me...months or years likewise...its just that mostly i ignore that feeling last time..and tell myself i dun wan a girl older than me...thats why minority of my ex r younger than me...or else it would all be older...i'm not sure what i want either...
so i'll just stick to being single and unavailable...anyways,i dun wan a gf now...or maybe forever...still trying to find what i really want...maybe this period of time in Singapore can tell me what type i want..or the feeling will just strike with the right one...
i also dun wan one now due to the fact of not being able to hold onto distant relationships....so i'm not gonna hurt another girl with breaking up with her overseas...i've had enough of distant relationships...two is enough...and since i'm very sure my future is in Canada...thats why i will find the girl of my dreams...even though i dun dream much abt the perfect girl...in fact,none at all..
in fact,i feel that i'm a threat to girls...i dun wanna go into a relatioship until i get back the Cliff how i used to be...going into a relationship now...for one thing...i'll just hurt her...i've forgot how to love for quite awhile...the Cliff now only cares abt music,himself and friends...sadly...
thinking back on how in love i could be last time..it just is different...its been so long since i've really known the real feeling of loving unconditionally and really being a sweet bf to my gf...maybe ever since sec two or even earlier...to me,i've maybe been hurt to an extent to think there's no such thing as romantic and chi-qin love...get real manz...and maybe also because ever since i started not being so lovey dovey to my gal...i can hold onto them longer...sometime loving too much aint gd...as a guy..to me...i think the girl should love the guy more...or just be the one that doesnt love as much....or else if the love imbalances to ur side having more love for that person...u will just be most probably the one that gets hurt...
maybe i just need to grow up..want to come to a point that i end up maybe not having to like older girls...maybe i'm just at an age that i find girls my age immature...and somemore...girls grow older faster...i shouldnt get too old a girl for a spouse for life...
u know when do u get matured?...the moment u can tell urself honestly that u r childish...thats the moment that u get matured...thats what i realised...cos self-realisation shows growth totally...if u do things without realising how u actually r and living in self-denial...like example,ur not extremely handsome..just handsome...but think ur extremely handsome...u need a reality check...only till then...then u have really understood urself to say that ur matured...i dun deny that i'm just an average-looking guy..just that u need the confidence...once u have it...u will come out more charming than u actually are...dunno abt girls...but i know for guys...girls like a confident guy...
i mean if u arent confident..if i were a girl...i would feel insecure with u..cause being a girl..usually u r not confident of making big decisions...the guy takes the lead...if he aint confident..how would u feel secure and feel confident abt doing so...like,how would it feel if ur guy aint confident but encourages u to be confident..it aint convincing..i'm working on it myself..
but anyways,i'm still so young for relationships...i dun worry much...and i dun worry even if i dun get married...love is all around manz....imagine if u r for example getting married at 25...i'm like 18...ur gonna date for 7 years?...know how hard it is to hold on for so long?...i know roughly...and to me its like...crazy...
anyways,i'll end off here..just felt like talking cock...not caring whether maybe pple are gonna read it...but just caring that i got these thoughts out of myself...writing is gd sometimes...dun keep everything bottled up as only thoughts...it may help others or even relieve urself...better than talking to urself i guess..hehez...
okay...cya guys around...
yellowcard
Monday, July 17, 2006
7/17/2006 01:51:00 PM
hey everyone...once again i'm back...sometimes i wonder how many pple are reading this and whether this is meant for u all...not in the sense that u cant be reading my blog...its open for all...meant for u all meaning not sure how u guys will respond to what i am saying cos i've never considered the audience...but really just shoot what i wanna say in this personal blog of mine...
b4 i start this entry...commenting about the last "shoutbox" entry by sam...that is so true...i've been having a cold and a bad cough ever since i started out in the office...its been outgoing for more than a month now manz...the cold because of the aircon...the cough is because i have more chances of going to the canteen to eat outside food and now in MINDEF...everyday...and more time to bookout and feast on unhealthy food..lol...maybe also because in aircon rooms...the germs of pple being sick...i see alot of my fellow "colleagues" having the flu too...its circulating...so its an endless chain of pple getting sick...
really...when u Chiong(army style)...really..u dun see ppl taking MCs that often...in fact...i see office pple having the higher consistency of getting sick...especially the stress level in here too...its just difference...pimple breakout has happened with me also ever since i started office...i miss the sun..really..but temp levels are rising...and even walking in the sun makes u sweat like u r sprinting in it...
anyways,i'm out now at this early time from the office and back home because i have a medical appointment later...at the polyclinic i visited when i was sick last week...actually i've been sick for a long period of time manz...just about when i cant take it...then i'll report sick...
the medical appointment is to check and analysis of my lungs in case the coughing i've done in the last one mth caused any damage or anything...the doc was quite shocked when i said i was coughing for one mth..its more like sore throat lar...not consistent coughing..or else really...i would have died of overexcessive coughing...or because i cut my throat away myself because of the irritation..one mth due to me not taking care...yeah...and everyone say "u asked for it"...and my reply of "whatever" =X
i'm starting to love christian bands like hillsongs and delirious alot again..the music display done by them...its just a different feel...maybe because u can see the humble display of each instrument that reveals some desire in them to do their best...but thats in every band..the difference is its for a difference cause...its for a higher calling...the whole display of music and organisation of it...is all for one audience..for God...and for the congregation in where the concert or worship is held at is for pple...not to listen to and appreciate or shout thei hearts out just because they like the singers or whatever idolisation they hav for the band...but for the reason of leading the congregation to sing together as one....yeah..shouts their hearts out too...but for one they adore deeply in their hearts...for the Almighty God above...
in case many do not understand what this is...this is called a worship session...
its just different..the way of singing...so i believe pple that really are strong christians and wanna pursue their singing in a way they can do it for higher purpose...and for a more everlasting gift....they will choose to do it for God...
the way of singing..u dun put ur heart in it just to impress the crowd with ur lovely voice..the focus is not on u...but its shifted off u...to show how much love and effort u r putting in to wanna impress some other audience...an audience worth a billion or just uncountable times more than the audience "present" there...
for which other audience would one prefer to sing for?...and in the process of doing so...inner emotions like confession,reflections,happiness,etc can happen at the same time...and physical actions like lifting urself up totally,jumping,kneeling,crying,etc can happen too?...who else deserves such an applause of praise and devotion?...
some may tell me "An American Idol singing for the finals to eventually win it" should do that...and the audience is worth it...i tell u...no....
anyways,enough of "preaching" or whatever...to know more about a "worship session"...attend a church and truly understand what christianity is about...u will understand why we are doing this...it may be scary at first to see such a sight...especialliy when u do not know a damn thing about what worship is about...but when u do...u will tell me..."thats not enough" or "Thats the least we can do"...
sorry to those non-christians out there..but there are times i just wish to shout out all my feelings as a christian of how i feel religiously and stuff...and this is the only place i can do it i guess...
i was elaborating all about that because i've changed and confirmed my path of faith as doing "Drums4life"...i will play secular songs...but to higher priority...i want a band that consist of christians...to serve a higher purpose in pursuing their dreams...serving-God4life with music and worship...to even think of succeeding secularly is hard...as a christian band..i think i would be really lucky even if i get recognised..but the gd thing is that its not only pursuing my interest...but also the love of my life...God above...
sometimes i think i know why i'm not suitable for being attached to a girl or even attached to anything thats gonna permanently pin me down from making big decisions...the dreams and decisions i'm gonna make in life..need a lot of flexibility...and i may not settle down easily...
i dun believe in horoscopes...to me,its just generalisation...and how can a mere person...no matter what u call them that take astrology or star signs and stuff as a profession...predict ur future or how u r...they are of equal status...but one thing they said was coincidentally correct...in love or with anything i do...if things dun change as fast as i do or cant catch up with how i do things or even suddenly just stay stagnant and not being creative or interesting anymore...i'll move on..and steer a different direction..leaving it behind...
okay..i'll end off here..off to my appointment i go..u guys take care...and always remember...christians and non-christians alike...never see life as just living to ur fullest b4 u die and everything is gone..but seek higher purpose and never take things one day by one day..look far...and if u feel u r lost...find ur way,get back on trach...feel curious about anything..find out...u were not created just to live and die...u were created for something more...find that out..no matter how...unless u r just satisfied that ur life was just to be a part of this world...that one day will fade too...definitely, i'm not..."the world and its possessions will fade away...but ur soul wont...living aimlessly without a solid faith and belief is like a boat travelling on a square earth...just waiting to reach the side..to only find a large plunge to nothingness awaiting it"....
yellowcard
Thursday, July 13, 2006
7/13/2006 02:44:00 PM
hey everyone...back for another entry....let me not waste time with the introduction and just fly down to updates...
i've been posted to MINDEF(ministry of defence) headquarters)...hahaz...many pple will say isnt that like CMPB(central of manpower base) where pple get registered for their NS term....hahaz...yeah..about there...its an office tower...
so next question...why the heck am i there and what the heck am i doing now that i am there...i'm there cuz of injury...back injury...in case some of u dunno..i got injured during SISPEC(school of infantry specialistS) while training my basic training to lead as a specialist(as many know the rank sergeant and above...just not officer)...i got downgraded because of not being able to continue with the hectic training of heavy loads...physically like running,sit-ups,pushups, all the NAPFA crap i'm still able and well...but as for weights...big problem i guess...cos of overstressing back muscles...
and what am i doing now that i'm there?..helping out with the office...under a lady called Nikki..its an 8am-5:30pm job...unless for OT(overtime)...so relatively,its a gd job...being able to relax and do stuff in the midst of the office most of the time...i just started one day yesterday...so i'm not sure about the occasional outings of having to do photograpy for SAF events or something...cos my appointment or role is labelled "photo lab asst(trainee)"...lol...sounds pathetic as an NSmen to being given this role..but i guess everyone goes thru the same two years..so why do it the hard way..i've had enough of my experience of "Soldiering" that i was always curious about in wanting to do NS..
the weird thing is about how i got myself into this location...its so weird...i remember my stuff saying prayers in SISPEC about why i had to choose to serve NS...remembering my reason of because i want an entry into singapore in future and partially because i always wanted to serve and do tough things...i still love the tough parts...but mentally its torturing...especially the "Staying-in" part but after awhile i got used to it...and accepted my life to be in serving the nation for these two pathetic years...but no matter how...my mails to God had been received and have been answered...from havig two weeks of MC for rest...to being an out-of-course(office work and basically doing anything u want including listening to the radio..hehez) in combat engineers and then now to mindef being a permanent staff that gets to come out to civilisation everyday...
its amazing how God answers prayers...as they say...He answers in three ways.."yes,no or wait"...i guess this was wait...and soon,u asked for it...but i'm glad its not an injury that will cause an effect on me in my daily life...its just very heavy loads...so what the heck..usually in life,when would u need to carry like 8-10 kg or more of stuff?...
love the lifestyle now..not because of being able to slack and being able to look at girls at an environment like this...but because i get to go home everyday and have more chances to do things i wanna do in life during this period even when i am serving...its just like working like my dad...8-5pm...lol...okay but i have to say i worry about my money and my physical commitments to my body....hehez...nvm,have had it all sorted out...its just ur own lifestyle...i dun hav to do basketball or NS daily to keep fit...i've always had the mental discipline of committing at least ten mins to physical stuff daily..no matter where i am...even if i had to do pushups and situps at the staircases of my combat engineer place...cos i cant be caught doing so in my conditions...even though truly its just loads i cant take...but its better not to show them how much i can do...in case they think i'm faking...no explanations will do...
about love...come to a conclusion that even if i like some particular girl...i wont choose to go serious or be with her..its just too much commitments that i know i cant keep to...i have a load of big decisions to make in the future..i dun wan a girl to be affecting my decisions and being in the way of my bigger commitments in life...like choosing to serve God 24/7...be in a band...choosing CAnada over singapore...choosing which university to go to...and eventually maybe even having to choose single over being attached...
i've come to a point of realising so many things of myself i only jokingly thought was true...like maybe wanting to stay single for life...many think i cant...even myself...i think sometimes i just like everyone else feel wanting to be loved and wanting a relationship to know there's always someone there to be with,sharing mental and physical pains with...okay b4 u think too far..physical meaning to do with the world and human affairs...
thought of this philosophy of mine...being in a relationship is like a caged-up bird...the cage symbolising the commitment and time to give to that someone..having to give up the freedom to fly out and interact with anyone or anything,to only entertain the owner and maybe the friends of the owners that drop by to feed(interact) or admire("oh thats her bf")....and having a circle of friends that are only allowed to see me when i'm set free from the cage when the owner(my gf) and going out with other birds(friends) with an imaginary divider that blocks access to really understand that other person too well or even end up liking that person more than the person u chose...and coming to a conclusion of asking "how do u know there's not someone out there thats more compatible with u than the one u have chosen?"...maybe pple can give me answers to this question...but for now,i keep it there as a question mark that only can be answered by God thru revealing someone into my life thats worthy of losing everything i have when i am single for her...
maybe i'm just not cut out for commitments to just one girl...not meaning i'm flirty...many pple see it that way...its just that i get easily bored of something if i have had too much...even guy friends...my closest guy friend..my own cousin,marcus...i had 7 days with him in hong kong...it was totally cool..at least i thought it was...cos we're gonna spend so much time together and have fun at the same time...but on the 6th day...at hong kong's disneyland...i came to a point of not being able to stand him anymore...especially when shopping everyday took up so much strength..and there was a packed schedule the next day...meaning i have to wake up at this certain time..which sometimes meant not sleeping enough...
i'm the worst when it comes to not being able to handle myself when i have had not enough sleep or when i tire out..u will see a whole different side of me...okay..back to being angry with him at disneyland...to a point of even arguing about directions and how to walk..then walking our own ways...each insisting each's directions would be a faster trail...so we tried our own ones...sometimes because of pride as a guy not even admitting that one's directions was wrong...and then arguing again..and the list goes on...u get what i mean right?
i guess its hyperactiveness and being so enthusiastic about many things in life that causes me to tire off quite badly after a long day...but i'm glad i'm made this way...instead of some pple that get enough sleep...enough rest...and never even do much...but already tired liao...thats quite sickening...showing how weak and lazy u r...
and if anyone has looked at the time i blogged this thing...okay..u wont get the exact time i started...but the exact time i ended...so minus 20-30mins off that timing and u will get roughly the time i started...and the 20-30mins is roughly the time i use to enter a blog entry...not forgetting in Canada being able to use up to an hour...
i think my skills has dropped in trying to attract pple to my blog entries to wanna read on..maybe its because of my openness in sharing my life in the entries is too generalised and not direct...especially when i prefer to keep my daily life summarised and not directly disclosed and told about...in Canada,i could just say...but in Singapore...where most u readers are...i rather not talk about it...nothing interesting to talk about either...not like in Canada...where many of u readers never even looked at photographs at...can tell u interesting facts about it...reading blogs of friends that talk about their singapore lives as if we readers are not from the country itself..is quite pathetic...emphasizing on all the details of the landscape...i rather say what i've done...
okay..then i'll speak of why i am now at this time at home blogging...because i'm down with a flu thats gotten serious a few times in the past few weeks...taken periodic medical leaves from work,or u can say national service..=X..got a nose blockage in which has caused me to mostly sleep with my mouth breathing and on occasional breaths from the mouth...its a cold and a bad cough that has lasted for like one mth that i've contracted...one mth not really caring abt the cough...cos its not serious but its on/off...today went to the doc and she said i have to go for a lung screening or some analysis...cos one mth le...might cause damage to the lungs or something...
okay...i'll stop blogging for now..wanted to move on to one more issue...but nayz...too much for u readers...i'll stop here...carry on tml or something...cya guys...God bless...and especially,thanks for reading =)
yellowcard
Sunday, July 09, 2006
7/09/2006 01:39:00 AM
hey everyone...at last back for another entry...since there are ppl like "cheering me on" to blog more...hehez...its not that i dun wan to...sometimes on weekends just dun hav the time...while the last few weeks was changing my scv broadband to singnet broadband...quite sianz...no guy in the house to do it...only me...my sis will just come to a conclusion that the singnet pple should come to do it for us...stupid...i ended up trying to figure it out myself...sometimes in life....u just cant count on others....but mainly on urself n ur faith in whatever u believe..in my terms...God above..hehez
okay..an update on my life....gonna get transferred from combat engineer out-of-course personnel to ministry of defence(MINDEF)'s photo lab assistant...whatever that is...but as long as it means i can come out everyday...it means everything...no matter what shit i get...and for those that dunno a thing about army terms and stuff...just get the main idea...from already quite gd life...to very gd life...but its hard to say what kind of superiors i might get...
love life-wise....guess its quite stupid how i treat love i guess...almost everytime in love...when everything is fine...i flung away my lover for personal freedom...i think i really have a problem with committing...or maybe i've just not found the one that can make me wanna do so...while i think this is the wrong time to be involved in such stuff...i wanna do so only in university....not in a pathetic army lifestyle...
sometimes i come to points in life always thinking why pple can pursue their dreams..while i have to take a pause in mine for NS...how i wish i was in the music department for NS...at least i can do something i like and not lose out in my music area while serving NS...but i guess theoretically i didnt qualify...self-taught i guess makes this difference...
but recently been organising a course for pple who wanna learn drums in my church...today taught a grp of guys that were interested in learning...just like in Canada..i dun charge but teach patiently and with interest in them becoming potential drummers of the future...maybe spotting the one that has great passion and great potential in doing so first ba...
last week's attendance was one guy only...it was gd as i could concentrate and go fast in progress with him...with no prob...cos i always taught one by one...today's attendance was four...and i have a feeling there's more to come...girls already asking to learn...quite reluctant to teach girls...cos its quite unladylike for girls to play drums...the posture...legs wide open...dun really like the look either...
today had to do a way of teaching i always hated...having to teach many at once....even when i was on course for those pathetic two mths at yamaha...i found grp classes quite pathetic...everyone having to wait for everyone...and progress at rates that are slowed down when one cant get the beat...today i tried it that way...but i guess next week onwards...i'll choose to do it at their own pace...its gonna be confusing....but i have to remember my cycle of teaching beats...and who is where on the cycle...cos some are faster while some are slower...dun wan to slow down the faster ones while make the slower ones feel guilty for holding back the others learn....
its hard cos there's no multiple drumsets for them to have all hands-on at once..but maybe its gd cos i also can concentrate on one's flaws at one time...or else it will be havoc everyone of them playing at the same time...so i'm using the imagination way...hitting air...while ur leg just taps the floor...
i'm glad they are patient in learning...many give up at the first try of the first beat...cos we are all born with hands and legs connected in doing things together...not separately...the gd thing abt a drummer is all four limbs are able to conduct a different rhythm at the same time to create a beat...i think its what drummers are admired for and the feel of music without no definite chords or rules to abide with...everything's at ur own creativity...
have also been thinking about what course i wanna do in university...
its like my plan for pursuing music is taking it on the side while getting a degree in university...then try forming a band during university in Canada...while get a job with my degree..and still do my passion of music on the side...and once it gets a spark on the music industry...quit my job top focus on it...
but i never thought once that the degree i get might be a job i'll have to do for a few years b4 succeeding in music....and something i must like....i was thinking psychology...but psych contains science...which i absolutely hate...then was thinking i love lit...so why not? but what i can do with a lit degree?...either teach or write....which is quite crazy to be doing it for a job....i'm really quite confused at the moment...u might say i'm not going university that soon yet...so relax and slowly think...but i'm one that always worries alot about the future...hoping everything is planned first...then can relax after that...
somehow i think life's gonna be complicated after NS...and back to the studying lifestyle then to the working society i speed off to....if i dun plan my steps..i might regret just going with the flow of life..not steering my wheel of life properly is the last thing i wanna regret in the future..
i just hope to get back on track and not lose direction in life...but always remembering there's someone bigger than anyone on earth that has everything already planned out for me..is a big assurance that my life is in gd hands and everything's gonna be alright...as long as i walk close with Him,i'll not go wrong....
and in case u guys think i sound gay or even think seriously i'm gay...that guy is the big guy above in heaven looking over everything thats going in the this world...can control everything but decides to give us the freedom of choice...which will then end in a everlasting effect of us in the life after death...
i'll stop here for now...mind quite blank because of the occupied day..sorry if i bored u guys...thanks for reading...God bless...
yellowcard
Sunday, June 18, 2006
6/18/2006 12:02:00 AM
hey everyone...actually i stopped blogging for awhile was due to thinking that no one was reading my blog...so like..whats the point?...but i guess there are pple telling me they do...and some pple even saying why i stopped...but mainly,also because my sschedule too tight for it also lar..hehez...*excuses*
anyways,about my butt injury...update abt it...been thru an MRI...that cost my mum like 500 dollars....quite ex...as because it was done at a private specialist doctor...so no subsidy by government or anything...so quite ex...especially when i'm trying to save money for my parents by using my NS pay as my allowance...
the MRI scan did nothing for me....cos it only sights bone injuries or major ones...but thank God...for nothing seen..or else might affect me when i grow older...so the doctor just suspects its a major muscle injury loh...so downgrades me for 6 mths...b4 seeing the situation whether i'm fit back for being combat active in army...
life's easy now...going back to camp is like a holiday camp for me...just go there...sit in office..but quite shagged in a sense that u sit in the office for 16 hours...then u sleep 8 hours later...nothing better to do than reading newsppaper and helping out with my higher rank seniors with the job they need to have done...which mostly consist of just photocopying documents for them...so how hard is that?...and plus..i get to listen to radio the whole day....something i've never been able to do...liking the outdoors...means no time to just sit down and listen to radio and seeing whats new and updated about the music industry...
but brought books with me tooo....reading Da vinci code now....finished like 3/4 of it in like 2 days...quite slow lar...but a literature student is like that lar...indepth studying also lar...didnt like the thought of having to read it...but like my bro says...u can do without reading the book as a christian..but when pple question..u have to know how to answer as a christian....and reading the book..shows how much about christian history and facts i dunno...which the fictional facts in the book is trying to brainwash me...so i finish reading the book and then read a book on the christian views of da vinci code...that will secure my faith and get rid of my confusion....
downgrading is gonna be worrying for me...but if u think i'm not physically able to be active anymore...its wrong..i just cant take heavy loads....cos of my back injury....muscle pull i guess...and being posted to a combat engineer training institute to be a sergeant is not gd news....everything is about heavy loads...so thats why i have to be out of course....
worrying about downgrade is because i'm gonna sit in an office whole day..and still eat the same amount of food like usual..thats gonna make me fat...like my bro!...i dun want to be like him...and i cant be seen exercising too...because i'm suppose to be seemingly injured quite badly..no exercise...sianz loh..but i still do pushups and stuff...no situps only...i cant live without exercising..i'm conscious abt my fitness level...and its quite sad i cant get my Gold status anymore....cos can get 200 dollars if i get Gold each year in army...but now cant le...sianz...
i really wish this injury will be gotten over soon...feel my amps becoming abit flabby le...thats not a gd sign..my greatest fear is having a tummy...like my bro and dad!!...started since sec one doing situps everyday..i dun understand how much a waste can it be if i stop suddenly now...health-conscious and fitness-conscious....
by the way,my whole family is back in singapore..but temporarily only...they are leaving soon again...quite sad...plus i come back 2 days a week only...so they stay one mth like i only see them 8 days...minus-ing the times i'm out and they are out...now they are at church retreat...so one week of seeing them is gone...gotta be independent i guess...just like my dad said...he left his family in malaysia to study overseas at the age of 16...i guess leaving at 16 and a half was a better case for me....anyways,soon i'll be in Canada after NS next year...one year with my bro b4 he graduates then leaves me alone there...then life will be in my own hands....
anyways,i think i'll blog again soon....cya guys....
yellowcard
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
5/23/2006 11:42:00 PM
hey everyone once again...guessing why i'm here when i'm suppose to be back at camp cos my medical leave is over?..guess what..its extended...thank God...cos today rushing to the specialist doctor and seeing him then having to go back to camp would be quite crazy...plus i didnt get gd sleep yesterday night...
okay..i'll get down to detail...
cant sleep these recent two nights just because of one thing...okay..one person...= marcus...okay..some pple will call him my second gf while others may call him my gay cousin...he was staying over at my house these two days...okay..the gd thing was we had supper together...its much more fun having pple at ur house...but not when it comes to sleeping...if u guys know him...u will know he has a damn bad habit of snoring very terribly when he sleeps...
i congratulate his gf Andrea for taking him off the shelf of being single...but if u marry him in the end...gd luck manz...enjoy ur last few years of sleeping soundly...unless u buy urself earplugs...hey..why didnt i think of that...i think i have some in my cupboard...but using them will make me ignore all sounds..which might mean i'll sleep to my max..lol...
okay...his snoring is one thing..but another thing is he has to wake up at this bloody early time of 6 or 7 am for sch,considering that we sleep at about 2-3am...firstly,he wont wake up...and if he doesnt...who is to blame other than the one sleeping next to him...me...whoa..u wouldnt be able to imagine how this guy can make up all kinds of excuses to not wake up and try to delay his wakeup timing...then when its past the timing..he will make an excuse for himself not to go wherever he was suppose to wake up to go...
okay..enough of him...
the doctor saw me again...told him the situation worsened...felt it was very pain compared to the past week...dunno y...he extended my MC...gosh...that was great...and i most probably will donwgrade..so its gd...had enough of xiong army life...had my taste of what i always wanted..and have regretted...so enogh of it...its time to get something more slacking...due to my status in SISPEC recently because of this injury...even if i dun downgrade..i believe i'll not get the combat sector...i cant do it...my butt hurts(hahaz..what a thing to say)...
its real funny when pple ask u where the injury is...is it ur back?...ur waist?...ur legs?...then u shake head to all of them and say its the butt...especially if someone speaking chinese is talking to u..then u reply "piku"...thats damn pathetic...like the doc said "its quite an unusual event that someones hurts his butt in army...not the frequent cases of leg or back...but the butt"...
the cause is most probably my sleeping posture during the night...or guixiang's pathetic logic of "doing it too much"...hmm..i wonder..lol...
okay..the doctor always talks about irrevelant stuff...despite there being patients outside queuing up to see him...the last time he talked 3/4 of the time abt army training in SISPEC...showed extreme curiosity in it...i think he did some office work during his service or was a medical officer i guess...so he doesnt know how it is like...this time he talked about me studying abroad in CAnada...
can u imagine a doctor,during ur consultation of him,suddenly asking "where u planning to study after this NS thingy?"...okay..so he knew i studied in CAnada and i'm going back for university after NS...but he did tinger some thought into me about something..
he said something about me being very decisive on choosing what i wanna study and what are my future plans...its quite true actually...normally teenagers this age will like tell u they arent very sure...see which course they can get in...or the realistic thinking of which course can bring gd future...i chose psychology because of interest...and i know my path...even though i didnt tell him much..but what for?...a stranger like him knowing the wildest dream of mine and thinking i'm crazy and questioning me like i'm insane(the usual response from most pple other than those that dun look down on musicians)...i rather avoid such conversations...
i guess i know mine well cos i know singapore aint the right place for music pursuing...and CAnada...a very gd place to start....all this army life almost made me lose myself to it...
so many times in army,pple tell me the feeling of wanting to always book out back into civilisation and have fun...but always dreading the moments of having to return when ur stay out there is so pathetic...u have limited time..u rush everything...u dunno what to do sometimes...feel so disconnected...and when u rush doing stuff that are suppose to be pleasant and fun...it becomes totally the opposite...plus having the mindset that u have to return to camp soon..it sucks totally...
so many things have happened when i stepped into army..not the things i thought would happen...thought it would be totally fun and a very gd experience but no...my social life has collapsed because of army...depression built up because of it...lack of time to do things i love...like music pursuing in Singapore..and missing so many pple when i'm in there...especially those that i still cant see when i come out...limited time..and plus..i dunno why everyone is busy nowadays too..feel like the number of friends i come in contact with is like 1/10 of the friends i really have...
my social circle is mostly with the pple i stay with daily...my army bunk mates...and u wouldnt want to hang out with them during the weekends...seeing them for every single hour 5 days in a role is enough...when u come out..u wouldnt want to waste ur time on time but on pple u dun see during those 5 days...
how i deal with depression inside is my daily night chats on my hp...like my friends...whether u called the right person and whether it was positive or negative can have a big effect on ur mood and morale for the next day...another way is in my army notebook..i have this paper that i tore off and put as the front of my notebook...called "NS motivation paper"...hahaz...it has loads of motivation philosophies i wrote for myself...and i also have a "Dear God" diary where i air my problems to God thru it...cos i love and have a habit of writing alot...just like this blog...so i destress myself thru it...and sometimes i dunno who to talk to about certain problems...so there it goes...
its hard coping with army...without a gf...erm..maybe i rather not have one anyways,but that will mean sometimes u dunno what to do during the weekends too,if ur friends are all busy...without ur family in singapore...its real sad...my bro's in CAnada...my parents are in Hong kong...i've got to be independent...other than my sis..that relies more on me most of the time...having to cope with her work,her fiancee and her house renovation and upkeeping...okay..so my stay in CAnada did help on something..it made me independent..i'm glad...let me tell u a joke and i'll end off there..
there was this time in tekong...my officer made me write this survey on how i am doing in army..and how is my status as an individual..one question was "is ur family separated?"...haha..i wrote yes...my officer was like "r u okay?...then how r u coping"...but i meant being separated as in physically apart from each other...spread out thru out the world..lol...
okay..i'll pen off here...i do hope pple that come and sincerely have read to "shout" in my box...thanks...seems like the audience this time around seems quiet...or maybe there isnt anyone bothering about this blog at all...=(
yellowcard
Saturday, May 20, 2006
5/20/2006 12:50:00 PM
yoz...back to blogging...almost forgot abt this blog..lol..not used to it i guess...never been a habit or lifestyle of mine in Singapore to do so...but what can i do..cant go out much due to my injury i stated in my previous entry...but have so much time...
just slacking now...hung out with my guy friends yesterday...cant believe how four guys can just sit down and chat abt anything under the sun for like 5-6 hours...felt as if we like very old pple...talking abt our past...but truly..we were talking abt our sec sch life...how girls bothered us...the worse of them...how we dealed with pple who call themselves "gangsters",but this word doesnt exist in modern singapore life manz...tell any ex member of the past,they will just laugh their ass out abt gangsters nowadays in singapore...not in singapore manz...and even talked abt the advantages and disadvantages of being single or being attached...among us,Li qiang,guixiang,kenneth(dun say i never mention ur names in my blog=P) and myself..i guess the only one's that's attached and happy is Li qiang...i just dumped a girl a few days ago...cant stand committing i guess...plus she takes away my personal freedom and she's too possessive...if she knows my interest,music is more important than anything in my life...second to only God...and much more important than any of my gfs too...restricts my musical freedom and says am i too bored when i watch music dvds or play guitar...thats obviously getting herself on my nerves to the core manz...maybe i'm just not suited to being attached...but single4life?..maybez..lol..
nvm...but true...girls can get annoying to some extent sometimes...as an MCP..i declare even the cutest of girls can be annoying...but maybe thats because i dun know enough cute girls..lol...whatever..to me..more girls,more trouble...
okay...this time of break from army has been very slack...ate like crazy yesterday...went with Yunhua mei to eat pizza hut for lunch...the usual me was just so kiesu..wanted not to eat the normal personal meal..but the group serving meal that can feed like 4-5 pple..lol...okay,she was scared of taking on the challenge..so just pulled one of our friends we knew was in causeway point to eat with us..aww..SAm,ur such an unlucky fellow..muscles turn into fat le..can do with more fats right..thats okay...
okay..so we ate like alot...especially me...lol...to the brink of them confessing they have had enough food for the day...but nayz,i'm not done...i still had dinner and supper with the guys later..lol..okay...very dangerous...in my injury condition cant work on my stomach...so i'm really afraid..i guess i'll try to stick to my normal controlled appetite after yesterday...
been thinking of this blog's title "DAre to dream"...okay..so what if i dare to dream...i need a start a jumpstart to my dreams...ever since coming back to singapore...haven found a suitable band at all...either smokers,metal-lovers,double paddles-needers or just no chemistry when playing music with them...okay i've found my band..."the offbeats" we call it?...yeah...very offbeat with the tempo we are creating to make ourselves known...guess he's just too obsessed with being the next singapore idol...lets see what happens...wish him all the best manz...anyways,our band is just too small anyway...just consisting of me and him aint enough...maybe talents are present..but the bones of the band just aint there..with his guitar skills being not gd enough...he should just focus on his vocals..
i wish i wasnt a slave to music..but cant help it...i love music just too much...so sad that i chose leadership for army...or i would be in one of the combo bands in the music sector by now...the stupid choice of mine and the thinking of their's of "leadership takes priority over all"...whatever...
never do ur best in army...unless u want to sign on or somehow gain some "pride" in there...i've learnt my lesson...doing well for SOC(SAF standard obstacle course) and IPPT(individual physical test..whatever the other P stands for) showed me that i have to carry this..okay..to others its heavy...but to me...its just irritating..a bazooka for anti-tank...i dun understand...the real thing is 10+kg...i'm just holding the dummy one lar...but if i'm holding the real thing..i think i'll just fire it at some dumb tree and throw it away...anyways,it can only be used once..
sometimes,i dunno whether i'm too young for NS...i can handle everything..but mentally..truly sometimes i cant take the depression...okay..it might just be normal for NSmen to feel that way...anyone actually..to be imprisoned practically...but to me,its crazy..if anyone understands CLiff...freedom's the most important thing in life...even my mum knows she cant control me...but i know my limits ya?..dun think i'm some defiant dude..
now..given like one and a half week break..and like only 3 days left...i dun even know what i did for the past week..just wasted my time and money with a girl i ended up dumping...did some music catching up with MTVs and a few music DVDs like green day's "bullet in a bible" and RAdiohead's old old "the astoria london live"...that was cool...renewed my dreams of wanting to perform and share the music of myself with the world..
its been long since i've jammed with pple on the drums or guitar...okay..not very long...but the past few times just werent enough..i couldnt get enough of it...just see me weekly playing the drums and guitar at church by myself..the only time that i can catch up with my instruments..this week..okay...truly,i'm kinda bored of the guitar...but i think i'll learn some songs today...just to not lose my touch on it...
"falling into memories of you,things we used to do" yellowcard's One year six mths tune...and that was the period i just had to wait b4 being with her again..but no...i couldnt take it...stupid i guess..okay..not memories...dreams actually...been dreaming of her for the past few days...continuously...i cant stand it...her friendster already states "in a relationship"...why cant i just get over her...its been like so long...to me at least...coming to one year if two more mths go by...okay...as an MCP,i cant believe she got over me and is dating someone else after only 6mths...lol...CLiff..what a joke...who do u think u r?..look at urself in the mirror..peanut head..i guess if i want a relationship now..other than those pathetic few girls left that still like me after a long long time...i have to beg someone to take me off the shelf manz...
that relationship trial i had with the past girl showed me something...i really pity the girls that end up with me...especially now...i've lost all the touch with being a gd bf...can even tell her "i think i wanna save MRT money...u go home by urself k?...anyways,ur too scary and fierce for anyone to try to even get near or even touch"...what kind of gentlemanly spirit is that..i was just plain lazy..i dunno..maybe she was just not the girl i wanted...so didnt find a need to treat her like how i usually treat my gfs..i really pity her..so to end her dreadful lovelife...broke with her loh...wasnt exactly very happy at all being with her anyway...
gotta reconsider what type of girl i really want b4 i hurt another soul i guess...i know definitely that height requirement is 164,165 and above..i'm not the type like my cousins marcus and tommy that go for young and short,petite girls...just aint my type...i'm 176 ++(thats if i grew this year)...how can i go out with a girl thats only 160...really pathetically short...and never have the hots for girls that r too short...unless by accident i fell in love with one like that i guess..
okay..enough abt lovelife..aint getting anywhere...i just cant get over her..so i cant go on until i do...or else i'll just be a ridiculous lover to the next...
anyways,see this blog...its yellowcard...they're cool..i guess thats what every band needs...a special thing abt themselves...catchy tunes...gd lyrics..a CD theme...and a special thing abt themselves again...which in this case is that electric violinist...cant believe my mum threw away my live concert dvd of them...i spent 20 canadian dollars on it..that was like cheap..but now i have to buy it for 40 plus singapore dollars...sianz...nvm...for yellowcard...anything...
and they're having a concert near where i used to study in CAnada...thats sad manz...i wish i could go for it...yellowcard rocks manz..in case u that is reading doesnt know..go check them out...
okay..i'll stop here for the time being...wasting too much time on blogging i guess...catch u guys around...
yellowcard
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
5/17/2006 11:08:00 AM
yoz everyone...hahaz...must be wondering how i got the time in SINGAPORE to do this stupid blogging again...already long ago wanted to...but being in army..book out period is very crucial...using it for blogging..is not very worth it...
but guess what...i'm injured...have been on medical leave for one week...yesterday saw a specialist abt the situation..and that extended another week of me being on medical leave..sianz..
okay..this is how it started off...in case some of you and pondering "what injury?..u had an injury?"...yeah..i have one...very complex one in fact..
about five weeks ago...woke up on my SISPEC(school of infantry specialist) bunk bed one morning...feeling a hurt in my tailbone area...as the usual me...thought to myself "aiya..it will go away...little pain wont kill me...i'm strong"...=X
little did i know...one week later...it worsen...had the pain striking me constantly until i had to do the cowardly action of "reporting sick"...which to me is pathetic unless i just wanna take a rest from some stuid exercise..
saw the medical officer..he said nothing major..just take one day of rest..and went back to training..in my mind,i was like "what the heck..u dun believe it hurts?..and still want me to waste one day of my training to rest..knowing one day wont help anything"...anyways..nvm..maybe its really nothing..gave me painkillers..whatever...went back to training not caring abt the painkillers..i dun feel excruciating pain..what do i need them for?..i'm just wondering how a completely perfectly fit guy like myself can suddenly sustain an injury i dun even know how i got...
one week later..pain came again..went to medical centre a few times..no use manz..always giving me one day of excuse from training..how's that gonna help..other than my friends thinking i'm running away from training..
on the later part of the second week...medical officer gave me an appointment to go to CMPB(Central manpower base) for x-ray..it was perfectly normal..so i still had no evidence of pain...went back to training...didnt give a care anymore..since they dun trust i'm not okay..fine..then i'm okay...
train for two weeks more...past week felt intense pain..had this outfield exercise at tekong...was gonna be quite xiong i heard..told my mum abt it..she said better not go or else worsen the situation..but come on manz...my leadership course is 10 weeks..already the 8th week le..how can i drop out on a crucial event like this..i dun wanna recourse..went for the event stubbornly..convincing my mum i'll be alright...
okay...so during the event..i felt pain....didnt care...felt pain again..didnt care...okay...so i shouldnt have been so act tough..so later when pain came again i couldnt take it..went to report sick..officer told me that this exercise will assess my leadership skills on what the whole course has taught me..quite crucial if i miss my turn to be assessed..found out that night exercise was me being the leader and being assessed...so i just told my officer i cant take it...will endure pass the night..thinking "aiya..one more day only ma..i already tahan 4 weeks le..at most tml then report sick again loh...AFTER my ASSESMENT"...
being the "Act hero" guy again..the next day came...ASsessment over..i thought hey...the pain not so bad..continued with training..then came back worse than ever...went to report sick..was evacuated to the medical centre over at tekong..went in with all the recruits staring at me...with my CAMo(the cream that army men wear on the face for camouflaging in jungles) on..i looked as if i was going to war..ya...at the medical centre...-_-"
medic told me "go wash it off..or else u will scare the medical officer"...so i did...saw the medical officer...gave me one week of excuse from training..at least this time this officer believed my injury..
the next day was bookout..come out le..went to see doctor..was referred to Mount elizabeth hospital to see a specialist..yesterday was the appointment..it went okay...other than him stretching my body so much that it hurt very badly...took another x ray...damn funny..
the x ray was out then the doctor was like "Whoa..u have very healthy bones and very perfect ones...beautiful.." as if he looking at some girl body like that...what the heck..cant imagine a doctor can be obsessed about whats inside my body..i mean after the skin...lol...and guess what..the xray is my butt area and tailbone area..
just suddenly his admiration of my body changed to an expression on his face..i'm quite worried about..he was like "everything's okay...except for here"...pointing near my butt bone(or whatever u call it)...there was something extra there..like an extra bone sticking out from it..he told me it was abnormal...first case he saw like that...but he said shouldnt be a problem...ask me to take medication for one week..see whether still pain...if still pain..then he will investigate further abt that abnormality..
what worries me is that he told me he doesnt know what is it...to me,if i dunno whats the problem...thats okay..anyways i'm not medically trained to know whats the problem with me...but the doctor seemed to be just keep on guessing on what my problem is..and the bone jutting out..seemed quite ridiculous...the way he ignored it..made me worry more..
yeah..i'm special..and i'm unique in my own way...but being unique in bone structure...doesnt seem quite gd to me...just hope for the best..that everythin's alright..
anyways,guess some of u r more interested in knowing how's army for me..hahaz...one word and one phrase "Sucks" and "a whole waste of time"...leadership training aint easy..cant believe i chose it too...but i'm just the type of guy that wants to be the best if possible in every field i guess...
if u guys knew my want of going to army...u would think its ridiculous....i had so many ways out for myself to not serve at all..but i just convinced my mum to let me do it...something i regret like crazy now...but nvm lar...lan lan,already inside liao...like they say...
i went in with a mindset of wanting to be a commando...actually i still want to...physically i believe i can be trained up into one..but mentally i think i might go crazy...lol...
okay...so i was on PEs condition B due to all the medical status i had b4...so cant be commando...was aiming for officer course...which again was not given..due to some reason only God knows...sent for NCO leadership instead...i guess God knew whats best..officer training of 9mths just aint worth it for the rank...so long being a trainee...gives u not much freedom of anything...schedules u just follow...routines and strictness u have to undergo...nayz...seeing the examples of officers in the circle of pple i know...i rather not be one...i'm not a stuck up,egoistic fellow that thirsts for power to order pple around...pride in singapore army just aint worth it..
the only thing i worry because of my injury now is having to recourse..i've come to the last week of my course..and i get on medical leave..i wonder whether i still graduate with them...going through the 8 weeks of shit aint easy..most of the days getting less than 5 hours of sleep...2-3 hours is the average...4-5 hours is a gift...i dun wanna recourse and go over all the same rubbish again...especially i was unlucky enough to get the most xiong company there is...with an officer commander that is mentally unstable...dun talk abt it manz..
been slacking for like two days...still got about one week to go..i wonder what to do with this time...just do everything i had no time to do during my course period ba..like watching tv and checking email..
lovelife for me...is something super complicated now...i'm not sure whether she's really the one for me..cos the only thing i've been dreaming about is my ex lately...almost like 4-5 days in a role...not counting the countless dreams i already had with her since we broke up...dun really know what i want...just cant wait for NS to be over...run away to CAnada..start anew..and then explore what i really want in life..
musical life for me...its dying...with my vocalist being obsessed with being a singapore idol..and the band itself being just me and him...i'm not really sure how i'm going to go about pursuing such wild dreams..but like my blog's title...if i dare to dream..i'll make it happen..somehow..it doesnt have to be big..it just has to be satisfying...
i guess i'll just stop here...for those that happen to stop by and read my blog..thanks manz...its been long since it extinct...about a year ago...i think i've lost my thing for writing too..gotta get it going again i guess...pls shout in my box what u guys want me to write about...been lost in action in many pple's life..i guess its time i can give u guys an opportunity to catch up with whats going on in my life...thats if ur interested that is..
okay..pen off...
yellowcard
Friday, June 24, 2005
6/24/2005 10:47:00 AM
yoz everyone..i'm back for another entry..maybe one of the the last entries i'm gonna make until i come to Canada after army...its like only two weeks and a few days away from my departure from Canada and guess what?..Arrival to Singapore...
still can remember the time that i just started writing this blog..aww...its gonna be so sad...cos once i get back to my lifestyle in singapore...i highly doubt this blog will be more than just a memory and a site to visit next time...but at least..i get to reflect back on how my life in Canada is...hehez...
from the time i just started my life in Canada...to a life that is well-established with almost everyone in sch knowing me...other than those that dun try to socialise much or reply bluntly and like just one sentence when i talk to them...knowing so many places...its such an adventure for me to be able to come here and experience how lonely and "unused to" a new place can make u feel..have to really adapt..but considering how i learnt to grow up and really be more mature in responsibilities and everything...not considering the part of me that kept on complaining abt the cold and being a total spendthrift here...asking my mum constantly for more money to be passed over from her bank to mine..lol
from wanting to punch someone for pushing me just because his soccer skills are lousy and got the ball snatched away multiple times from me...a total brute..but knowing him now..with forgiveness on the two sides...it became much better...found out he is a christian and it is natural for koreans to act aggressive in sports...its good especially seeing him in the soccer team playing against other high sch posers...lol..that pleased me alot...cos i hate posers...
one live update..two weeeks ago...i guess i did something very very bad..but nayz..an action done for my mum...and the scolding done for all chinese pple!....
there's this guy that got on my nerve...i was playing bball..then my vietnamese friend threw a ball at this black canadian poser that always holds a skateboard with him...cant believe he can say singapore doesnt sell skateboards..for ur information,singapore is like one of the most developed countries in the world..idiot...CAnada cant even make it...handphones are like so slow in developing here..so lousy...ok..thats besides the point...
then my friend was like just playing with that guy..it was just for fun..then that guy dunno for what stupid reason threw the ball to the back of the stage...and not wanting to take it back...then my vietnamese friend just diao that guy then told me "Cliff...i'm not getting that ball manz"..then he walked out of the room...leaving me with that poser and his friend..another poser but white...then i went up to that black guy and told him in the face "come on manz...get the ball...u threw it..so u get it..dun expect me to do it"..then he was like "Cliff,i'm gonna call ur mother"....then i waas like "oh..whatever...if u even know the country code of singapore idiot"...the he laughed about something with that white..then said "yeah..ask ur chinese pussy mother to come and punish me"...(sorry for the vulgarities/inappropriate language)...then i already turned my back on him b4 i heard that sentence then with my head turning back only i said "i beg ur pardon?...dun make me beat u up asshole"...he came over and pushed me...if i wanted to..i wouldnt even allowed him to do so..but i just controlled..then he said "i would love to see u beat me up"..wait..thats the sentence he might have said...but i didnt allow him to even finish it...with the words "i would love to..."..one fist was already across his cheek...
i remembered not to aim at the cheekbone,or it might crack(advisory from thai boxing teacher)...but still...i didnt know what happen to him until like days after when pple came up to me and said "do u know u actually broke two of his teeth and his fake teeth on the front?"...then i was like "u kidding?..i didnt even aim for the front.." with a giggle..not sadistic..but just thinking of him actually having a fake teeth..makes him look very funny..especially when he was like holding all the teeth in him after i hit him...he closed his moouth and had the "i cant believe u did that manz.." look...and maybe thoughts of "u broke my fake teeth!" and "are those my permanent teeth?" and "oh no..i have to make more fake teeth" went thru his head...then shouted in his face "dun call my mum a chinese pussy i tell u..thats what u get"...and turned to the white guy and said "that goes for u too"...cos i knew he whispered something too..
my knuckle actually had a slight cut on it after the thingy...maybe cos its the first time after i learnt self defence that i used them...i knew somehow somewhere i would need those self defence - thaiboxing(singapore uncle),Karate(church friend taught abit),tkd(singapore friends teach) in CAnada...just knew that i'm not gonna use them for no reason at all..thats why i didnt much retaliate to that guy last time while soccer...it didnt have any reason...and i dun wanna regret my actions...this time i didnt..
b4 u guys start thinking "Cliff like that one ar?...so violent and every thing negative"...i didnt like doing it at all...without the reason of missing home,having dreams of wanting my parents back and wanting my home food...missing my parents so much...i wouldnt have done it so brutally and without even resisting the strength put in it...i dun use violence for no use at all...unless attacked or some very "valid" personal reason...
thinking abt it..i have no regrets abt it at all...like i said..."for my mum,and for all chinese"...i just felt a need of having to stand up to it...i know it wasnt the best choice of doing things..my bro would tell me that...but i just couldnt hold it the anger i had in me that he is insulting my mum....even though i seem to be like very heck care to her most of the time..i really love her alot...i'm not even 1/100 of what i am now if it was not for her...not forgetting my dad..hehez..
so,when after school..pple were coming to find me to deal with it..he just gathered pple...but were those pple that seemed to like dun really care much abt it..but just like giving him moral support...posers loh...other than this taiwanese gangster...that i was not afraid of then...not even now...because my mindset was like 'even if i die..i dun care...it was for my mum...and i want to do it that way"...my missing of family is just too strong..and it was like on one of the days that i just had all those "family" and "family food" dreams that he came on my nerve...he deserved it..and he cant tell no authorities abt it...its racism...
posers suck...they just act as if they want to beat me up..go around telling pple they finding me..but once i come down from my room...i see them..they dun even do any damn thing abt it...i dun understand manz..i'm like as if "here i am..what now?"...and they just go as if like "nothing"...dun understand at all...wanna be real skaters..be them...do what u wanna do...dun just act big and everything..
one week down the road...i heard the taiwanese guy going down during gym class and hitting one of the posers on the head twice with a metal bat..i guess one of his "weapons"...end up there's fights in their own grp..then this taiwanese is called back to taiwan because of the offence...
they came to my class outside area finding me...but more like "hey...thats the guy that broke three of ur teeth?"...lol
okay..enough abt this situation...
my exams are finally over!...no more studies for me for two years ++ manz...but army dayz..lol...cant wait...new experience...can just see life events moulding me into the person i'll be in the future..and so far,looking back on how irresponsible,innocent and naive i was in pri sch...big progress manz...
this semester..i can say that results are not as good as i wanted..because of algebra last semester..wanted to get all 90s this semester for my courses..but end up more like all 80s...
gonna get like high 80s for math data(basically creative maths)...and low 80s for human patterns(geography)...but for english only get 70s when i expected 80s...but its very good compared to other subjects as my class teacher is very strict on marking..so getting high 70s is very good...especially when getting 75 and above in a private sch is very good....they say its much harder in private sch..so universities will understand...i hope so...just had too high expectations for everything...i believe i'm at least top 5 in class...but not good enough...considering the effort i put in..i wanted at least like top 2-3...haiz..nvm...*pats myself on the shoulder* or is it back?..nonono..back is for choking right?..lol..
anyways,been striving very hard since mid term...cos all were like 70s...its like acceptable to get 70s in singapore...but in a school where u paid 10000 to come in for the courses...its crazy to just get there..to say there is no stress is one thing...no pressure is another thing manz..
anyways,i'll be back in like two weeks...gonna have a lovely holiday plan and play like siao b4 i come for round two in singapore..if there are even pple there to entertain me during their sch period and everything..i believe my poly friends will..but abt the rest of u...i really do hope can make time for me...or else..its okay...i'll stick to my mum...-_-"
cya guys..take care...Love SingaPore Forever..lol..gonna spend gd holidays with Clara...then come back to singapore and go thru the obstacles of meet the parents with her...God bless me...pray for my safety home ya..lol...*fingers off* now
yellowcard
Monday, June 06, 2005
6/06/2005 10:20:00 PM
yoz everyone...back for another entry of Cliff's blog..yeah...so many things happen in the last few days..coming back to school felt so boring...wished the exciting days could just go on and on without having to face studies and everything that totally sucks...guess u guys having fun with the holidays ya?..but i'll have mine when i come back in july...but without much pple to pei wo...just the singaporeans that are going back...but they'll be leaving in a month or so...so its not very long...then they going to university already..sianz..while me?..the next chapter of my life is ARMY DAYZ...hmm...i wonder how it will be like...gotta keep on going with my fitness freak routine..or else i'll come back unfit for NS and then i'll suffer...=X
Music night went like a blast...it was quite saddening that we heard we are the only band performing..but so what manz...our band is great...with great talents...supposed to have a combination of instruments like yellowcard with a violinist..but my HK friend that played violin and got second last semester had cracks in his violin..so sad right?...haiz..but anyways, we still did very well without him..the music night even happening on a "rushthrough" semester like this is all because of my demands of one and my friends that helped me get it...the SAC(student activity council) members...thanks alot manz...
the events were like only ten this time around...and mostly boring..until our band came on(thats what many told me)...got to perform very well but was a little too much...eight songs...and all punk fast songs and stuff...it got me very tiring...and when they were like "FOUR MORE SONGS TO GO"...i was like "what the heck...i'm dying already...i thought two more only?"....my nerves made me tensed again..i used to have problems performing the drums...but now i'm so used to it..being on stage with the drums feels so comfortable..but because of having to sing and play guitar...first time singing on stage for a performance somemore..so i was very tensed..broke sweat quite alot...but it was good..first time and i really wanted it well done...sang loud and clear...hit all the notes...i'm satisfied...anyways,its for performance and having fun at the same time...so no great pressure manz..just me,i take all my performances very seriously,cos they are all counted as my experiences of drumming b4 my dreams come true...
there was this guy that did a drum solo..i kind of hate long drum solos...cos it gets kind of boring unless u really plan it...i did...but i did not eventually do it...cos i rather just do an intro soundtrack with my band..thats cooler...anyways,about this guy...he has learnt like for 6 years..has a private teacher...and is quite impressive...but thats because he undergoed professional training..i'm glad i didnt...cos it wouldnt make me feel thaat good..i only admire self taught musicians...thats true determination and alot of individualism and personality is put into ur music making...thats cool...
i learnt only like four years...and not much from anyone in particular...i even gave up on this professional teacher here...i found out that i'm wasting my time learning from that guy..teaching me the same old stuff always...his teaching only is cool for two mths..after that..it gets boring...and nothing impresses me as much anymore...and the great thing is i still impressed him alot and impressed this guy that has learnt professional training for like 5-6 years...i was so flattered...he asked me to do a drum solo instead..but i insisted not...i was not prepared for it..i did prepare one but nayz...i was not going to do it...it will tire me out even b4 the whole performance started....
anyways,the music night went really really good...i loved it...especially with electric guitar players that are so good...one from peru..one from HK..and one from singapore!...and guess what..the singapore one is the best...the peru and HK ones sum up to only half of him...but also because he has played the guitar for like 8-9 years...had professional training at the beginning...he is like already 21 years old...hehez...but i did learn how to play american idiot from him..hehez..
life's been going quite well for the past weekend...it was my bday on last friday...guess many of u guys forgot about it...but i dun blame u all...singapore life so busy and hectic...remember a june 3rd date is not easy..but thanks for those who actually remembered ;)
i went to canada's wonderland on my bday...went with her...it was great...especially when we went with a big group...so the tickets cost 25 dollars instead of 50 dollars...so it was much better...then me and her went on our own...played about 11 big rollercoaster rides....got over my fear of playing them and took them like "whats that manz"....so it was kind of fun...got very daring with them already...but the great thing is that these rollercoasters are very tall...it's canada's wonderland..it was cool..but everything inside is so expensive..
sat about 8 other types of rides..all very fun...didnt sit the 230 feet tall vertical drop and bungee thingy..cos the bungee cost too much and the vertical drop was like so scary..and i have a phobia of heights..so it wouldnt be very good...especially when i hate stuff that gives the "out of control" feeling..
overall,it was super fun...we stayed there like for 12 hours...it was so fun..went for the spongebob movie..and first time in my life i really sat down and watched spongebob movie...actually its quite lame and funny..i didnt know that..all along thought it was super stupid..the show kinda had some motion..it was the kind that the chair moves to the excite of the movie...so it was quite good..hehez...first time in my life sat a merry-go-round..lol...so stupid..me and her just sat it like little kids...actually wanted to stay in the thing and go one more time..but thought its very stupid and like snatching places of children to play..lol...=X
i've decided to not go to the church i'm attending anymore...come to a conclusion of not wanting to force myself to go to a church that i dun feel good in..but that doesnt mean i'm giving up my christian lifestyle of living..no way manz!...went for hillsongs united concert a few weeks back..it was so cool...so nice..but very sweaty...they are so good...
the church i was attending just didnt let me feel like i'm actually going there to grow with the youths..but more like a responsibility of serving as a drummer and teaching pple drums..so i decided not to continue...i shouldnt just go to a church just because of feeling that the church needs me...but my spiritual growth is very important too...so i changed to going to her church...even though its catholic but there are many christian type of catholics..just like herself...not the extremist type..so i dun see much difference...especially when lutheran came out of catholic..learnt alot about the differences...but this type of thing is really based on one's faith and one's belief...cant be categorised and stereotyped..like how city harvest pple go there for the music..but there are sure alot of very good christians there too...or else how the heck did the population growth of it become so big?...
anyways, going back to singapore soon..i'm so glad..i miss my cousin,my church,my family...everything of singapore..but of course as i'm here...will enjoy everything of here first...especially when its gonna be another two years b4 i come back...
my bday was good..mainly be cos of her presence in my life...haiz..duno how i'll go on with life without her...has become such a big part of me...there isnt me without her i guess....but i guess God will make a way..thats the only hope that i can cling on wih strong faith...
okay..i'll end off here...everyone take care in singapore..dun get too sick by the weather there...no heat strokes ya?...hehez...God bless...cya..
yellowcard
Thursday, June 02, 2005
6/02/2005 03:51:00 AM
yoz everyone..wow..its been like more than one month since i've been...shows u how busy i've been since school reopened manz..suckx...this term is like only two mths..everything is so rush compared to the other semesters that are three months...so much homework to do..and thought english would be no kick for someone that comes from singapore...but there are so many freaking books to read.its not like for leisure only manz...but its like for literature..so how can u expect me to read it like in two weeks...200 over pages...with every page to do indepth studying about...with two other courses(subjects) to worry about too...this isnt like singapore...no sstress from teachers...but it is stressful in the sense that everyday has a bunch of homework to do..even when u sleep at 2am...u seem to have not even finished 3/4 of them...
sianz...i guess i just have to keep working hard...so unlike how i used to be...but that is the reason why i've not been blogging..sorry guys if u have been checking regularly whether i wrote a new blog entry...i guess some of u even give up coming to my blog unless for "shouting" in the box...=X
life's pretty boring sometimes...especially when its all about school..thought living in sch is much better..its easy when u just wake up 5 mins b4 class and have all ur meals prepared...but eating almost the small routine of food each week...thats boring manz...yea..sometimes they do change...but how often manz?...so usually go out and feast on other stuff...like they say "if u dunno how bad food can be..u wont appreciate the good ones"..hehez...something abt the two extremes i've learnt in philsophy last semester...and english this semester...
but the good thing is i'm only a few storeys or even a few doors away from my school pals...so thats great...but when i came...it was kind of a bad timing i guess...the china guy i used to talk about...called guoyi..moved out to university the next day...it was so saddening...i was like "hey guoyi!...surprise...i've moved into residence"...then saw his room so messy...then he disclosed to me that he is moving out...sianz...=(...was so sad then..me and my hk pal was like "so suddenly?...were u even planning to tell us?"...but it was actually a last minute thing..he is one of the dang yuans in china...like those that have potential and are smart enough to be brought up into politicians or if very good...even governmental positions and high ranks all that stuff...
but one thing that he said in those four hours we talked in the night b4 he left in the morning made me very touched...he said something like "actually my stay in bronte has been quite a boring one...but ever since the semester started in january..it has took a great change"...i was like "because of me?"...he said "yeah...mostly because of that"...but acctually i didnt do much..i just liked annoying him alot and going in algebra class to bother him..once i just punched him and had him chasing me in the corridors of the school..lol...if u guys read that entry i mean...
i taught him drums...but not exactly was one of the potential to do so...asked him to learn at his comfortable tempo rate..but he insist on doing it fast like i do...which the stubborness got him no where..lol...i guess he just doesnt hear enough music..but heng i got a brief knowledge of chinese music..so could learn from some songs with him...but still..he cant play the hi-hat right..lol..
anyways,i miss him alot...gave him my contact numbers...i really wonder when i'll ever hear from him again...all the best guoyi...wherever u are...always remember u to be one that brought me out like a bigger brother...even though we only went out twice...but it was nice bullying u...even though u are like 2 years older..=X hahaz..
its really weird or just maybe weird for me...cos i usually stick around with younger teenagers...rarely my age pple unless for guys...so when i came here..had to adapt to the style that girls are either my age or older than me...some dun even look their age...so its real scary to know that a girl u've been treating like a meimei...is like 1 or 2 years older than u...sometimes even 3 manz...
my hk friend just left yesterday night...left on my floor in bronte are all the casual hi bye friends all over the world and the close singaporean guys i have...wonder what graduation will be for me..its gonna be so saddening...but last semester..it didnt seem that many cried or anything...it was more like everyone is excited to return to their countries...i dunno about myself..leaving singapore was without a tear...wonder abt graduation.....
ever since my bro left..i guess i've been very independent to live by myself wholly...doing my projects myself..and still getting good outcomes of them...this semester i only got all 70s for my mid term...human patterns(geog) was be cos of my leg...i missed many classes and did not hand up two assignments..which if i did..i would have gotten high 80s..cos all my tests i got high 80s...maths date is mainly cos of lack of practice constant careless mistakes in the test...just that the first mid term period is for u to like adapt to the style of how things are going...then later its on the fast lane to the finals...cant believe i still have time to blog...but i have to..i miss u guys!
and finally, english..u've heard about it..i'm doing gd..but can be better...i'm persevering..do keep me in ur prayers k?..i need them alot...;)
i've had like a dream a few days ago about my family...i think i really miss them...especially my mum...no biasness...but she's who makes my life so different and plays a huge role in my life...even though she can be naggy...but i really wish i could just say i love u to her...i said it to my dad thru email...see how going overseas help mature u?...or how it turns u so mushy to pple u never knew were so important in ur life...= marcus...especially...no one can take over that position he as in my life...constantly trying to dig out time to talk to him..but i wonder whether he still remembers me as an important factor to him..i guess many pple blame me for just leaving like they arent important...but no...i hope these two years plus i spend in singapore with army to finish will be meaningful to share with u guys..
finally,music night has come up again..its like tomorrow!!..lol...i've been practising for it..so tired...to juggle music making and studies at the same time...but improving my skills at drums alot i feel...and brings me closer to knowing how my dream will be like...playing drums4life..woohoo!...
the songs are:
American idiot - Green day
Letters to you - Finch
Slip out - some rock song from anime
Unwell - matchbox twenty
pieces - sum41
you're a god - vertical horizon
boulevard of broken dreams - green day
Basket case - green day
all punk i know...but very cool songs...mostly i'm the drummer...lol...but guess what..i'm singing for the first time in my life on stage manz...i dun hav the punk voice...so guess what i'm singing...i'm singing UNWELL manz...i know norman did it very well in my church...i wonder how i'll do it...especially i've never liked a microphone in front of my mouth when singing...but i've built up confidence to sing loudly into it now...even testing the mic usually,i'm already so shy of doing so manz...=X and having to play guitar at the same time...at least thats good..cos i dunno what to do with my hands if not...hehez
but i guess i'll be sweating after the performance...8 songs..gonna take about 30 plus minutes...we are the main item of the music night...also be cos i went all out to suggest that a musich night is wanted in this semester..or else i'll never get a chance to do so anymore...its my last semester!!...then one week..then zoom...back to spore...
hope it goes well...cos in my dream yesterday...only 10 people came to the performance...gonna pray for the attendance and make sure that the light is off before we perform..or its gonna suck so badly manz...its on june 2nd...supposedly on june 3rd...but heng lar..i dun want to be performing on that day manz...even though its my dream to do so..but still..hehez
okay....break is over...gonna get back to studying...was kind of feeling not well today..unwell i mean...lol...maybe be cos i practised with the band until 11pm yesterday then studied util 2am...it was just too much...was feelng bad in first class of the day..so i skipped the rest...
ok lar...take care everyone...do remember to constantly shout in my box....its real saddening if i dun hear from u all..its like the only way i can talk to u all...cos msn connection in sch sucks..and rarely go online...too much studies and stuff to do also...do hope things will soon get better...miss yea guys...God bless singapore..hehez..*type off*
yellowcard
Sunday, April 24, 2005
4/24/2005 08:04:00 AM
yoz everybody..hehez..back for another entry..update u guys abt my life more ba..supposedly have to update everyday like i said last time right?...but i guess its only cos at the beginning of my stay in Canada..i had no friends,nothing much to do,basically,no life in Canada yet...thats y i was blogging...(no offence for those that blog alot even in a busy lifestyle in Singapore)...but true,its stupid to blog in Singapore just like a diary...at least i think so,thats y i never started bloggin until i came here...and for one purpose = i dun like emails much and i dun like to repeat so many times abt my life here..so come to the blog and find out manz!...
basically,my blog is just for the reason of saying "Go to my blog and find out" if pple want to know abt my life here...hehez...
anyways,i changed the skin "One WAy = JeSuS" (and the song "Only OnE" Rocks...so sad i couldnt be the one performing it for music night)...bored of the other skin le...and my craze of MLTR is over...AGAIN..lol...i'm into punk now..totally...and guess what...Backstreet boys album is releasing on June 14...just in case u r asking "how the heck do u know that?"...i knew it like in march....with no radio to tell me so...but cos i signed up as a fan on their website..=X lol...and could tell pple "they haven disband yet" last year cos of the news from this website..hehez..The song "IncomPlete" rocks...Haven Heard it?..GEt It Now..No mAttEr WhAt,No MaTter How...(sound like i'm a freaking fan of them)...not really them...NICK CARTER!!...AH!!..=X (gay?..nope..just a chauvinist that thinks guys can sing and do everything better than girls if they wan to =P)...
about my leg,thanks for the care from those that have asked abt it...and those that have been even reading...i cant believe u all do...but if not,how u going to know exactly how i'm doing right?...frankly,i cant read a blog de...esp if the entries are as freaking long as mine...dun get me wrong,i love reading..but just not blogs..
my leg has been hurting everyday ever since that unfortunate accident happened...so stupid that i cant blame it on anyone(j/k..i wont de) but myself for it happening...every morning...somedays must skip first period..cos i just cant get off my bed cos of the pain...i always make it seem like its nothing...that pple still treat me normally and make me do stuff for them sometimes even...but nayz,its my pleasure...i dun like the thinking of being handicap and everyone doing things for me instead of how usually it is opposite...
eating painkillers like to the max each day...only can eat about 3 a day...cos mine extra strength somemore...and i'm eating 3 a day...*i hope no one that will nag at me looks at this* = i played bball for two days...pple just pulled me...i was tempted...and seeing how i still can shoot well and layup well with my condition..i was spurred on to play manz...but it started hurting more...so i stopped...the third day they asked me again..i said "no..i cant..sorry"...see..guai not?..of course not right?...still remember how i fractured my arm in pri sch...then wearing the cast around my hand and still insisting i wanna play soccer when i haven even recovered fully...=X...typical guys?...or just me?...oh well...
today went to see a sinseh...he touched the area of my ankle..it hurt very badly manz..but nayz..for me its okay..i'm gd at resisting and tolerating pain...like my mum used to say...injection when young..my bro hide when it comes...my sis cry like a baby when it haven even poke her -_-"...then me lehz..i happily let him poke me...sounds stupid ar?..lol...but whats wrong with that manz!...there's a lollipop after that...so i'll do anything for it!!...even now..=X i just love sweets..so pple use sweets to make me do stuff...but come to a point that i know i can buy them myself..but if its at a situation that they have..i dun hav...then hehez...
anyways back to that old man sinseh...he wrap my leg...with a medicine inside..looks like a pile of shit make bian bian(flat flat) then put into a sheet of plastic...but oh well..if chinese medicine can even include the tiger penis as something useful..i dun see what cannot be useful...=X
then he tie real tight..it hurts now..cos he tied the bandage around the area...but did not cover the full area..i didnt know until i return home..then its tight on the "half" area of my painful part..so i just have to relax..or if i tense..the bandage will turn tighter then i'm gonna be real pain..just have to tolerate for now...cant wait for it to get well...cant wait to play bball again!...bball tournament starts this week..i cant play yet..sianz...haiz...this time i'm gonna win..
and one thing abt doctors and seeing them here..its pathetic...u just see them for one min..they prescribe the medicine to u...then they let u off to the pharmacy..and u pay up to 98 dollars..for that one min of looking at them and telling them ur condition...they should be paying for hearing my voice manz...=X
if u think that is pathetic..listen to this...this sinseh is even better...35 dollars for 10 mins of seeing him...thats okay..but what does he do?..he makes me pain...touches my leg...then wraps it up like i'm gonna be mummified...then i pay him for that?...-_-"..okay lar...professional work right?..whatever...even if this view sounds childish,its realistic manz..argh...
this term i'm taking human patterns(which is basically like human geog but more interesting),maths data(which focuses on probability and creative thinking on maths or else why u think i take...when i flung and had enough of maths last semester on stupid ALGEBRA..all the best to those taking it this semester manz),English(doing Macbeth,which is relatively easy compared to usual shakespearean texts that i absolutely hate)....Hope this term i can get an average of 80s for every subject...shouldnt be much of a problem unless for human geog...its just that there's no more humanities to choose...very limited choices..so i had to do either geog or business....seeing how statistics sucked the life out of me with econs last semester...i'm staying far away from business manz...i never did well in geog b4 lar..but this time i'm sure gonna do better...cos i've never ever took it seriously b4 in spore...spore geog sucks..i just cant stand how my teachers teach it lar...maybe dun generalise it as "spore" lar..just EVERGREEN!...dun wanna hear that word again...
anyways,i dunno whether i've said this in my blog b4 but i'm planning for a trip to America after this semester..the week b4 i return to singapore...but i do hope these singaporeans dun backout on me..cos i'm just so hyped up for it..esp when my american friend told me what i can do there...its just basically 1)freedom from parents 2) freedom to do anything u want...but dun worry manz..i know my limits..so i dun think i'll get too bad...=P..lol
about the trip there..its much better to travel from here to there...heard car is cheaper and we can stop at any place b4 we reach there..and somemore,this american friend is going back to her country during that period..so its so cool..we can save on accomodations and get to know her better too..she's just such a pal..she lives in new york city...so we're going to there manz...so cool...cant wait...wanna go to the american zoo...do car-racing...party at her house in the night..go to places...just go everywhere!..she has a car too..so she can drive us around..its such a gd deal..compared to havin to travel from Singapore all the way over...by car its only like 12-14 hours...so we can just stop by anywhere and just sleep on the car manz..i'm up for anything...but i dun wanna get my hopes tooo high..cos i really scared something crop up in the end and cannot go...then i'll really sianz..=(
its just such a gd deal..i'm glad of all the singaporeans i interact with her the most...actually i'm the only one that knows her as a true friend...the rest know her but just casual friends i guess...if they really choose not to go in the end..i think i'll really be extremely disappointed abt it...cos this girl will be with her family..i cant just tag along alone right?..just anyways...i just wanna go..thats the bottomline...
if u all are wondering when i'm coming back..i used to tell pple end of june...but thats the time i just finish my exams and i graduate on most probably the 30th of june...so its more like the starting of july that i'll be coming back..sorry for the wrong info..but its just a week more...whats that compared to the 6mths i've been here manz...
approximate date is 9th of july...cos considering i'm leaving Canada on the 7th...26+- hours of travel and time change...it should be 9th lar...but its more likely on 10th...cos i might be delayed or something..or maybe 9th midnight..lol..cya guys then manz...abt those that told me that they wanna come and fetch me...dun bother ya?..cos i cant confirm the time..and most probably i'll be very tired by then...and take taxi with my luggages home liao..if really want,next day also can see...hehez ;)
okay..take care everyone in Spore...PeacE OuT!...God Bless...*fingers off keyboard after this last WORD
yellowcard
Friday, April 15, 2005
4/15/2005 02:23:00 AM
yoz everyone..i'm so pissedd...heng i only wrote a few paragraphs..then my bro's stupid laptop shut down on me...i dunno why that only happens to me...and my stupid bro is laughing that i lost my entry...how insensitive...anyways,look at the time i'm typing this blog...now since its already spring(where weather sometimes is freaking cold or sometimes hot and nice)...the difference between spore time and canada time is only 12 hours difference..so just count 12 hours back and u get canada's time...cos when it comes to spring..u have to add an hour to all ur clocks...dunno why also...but maybe daylight savings or something...
and since u see me at home now..why am i not at sch?...2nd day of sch..and i'm slacking at home..dun say like i pon sch manz...i just had a very unfortunate accident yesterday on the FIRST day of sch...very sianz...have to ice my ankle every now and then..11am..just woke up anyways...hahaz..those at sch will be so jealous..=X
this is what happened...
it was the first day of sch...went for human patterns class in the first period which is basically Human geog..so sucky manz...now i realize my geography of the world map is very bad..lol...they asked me to dot the place of my birth..and i couldnt find singapore..had to refer to the atlas..lol...anyways,thats besides the point...
i went to play bball on my second period of free time...as usual,i was not taking the "american" game seriously while playing it with my friends...cos if i do,i really want to win...but i didnt,in fact there was a new boy on the court..very nba-like size..but not the height and not the jumping strength...cos i could even outjump him when he's abit taller...if i didnt see wrongly...cos i only got to play with him for awhile...then came the injury..
i guess sports is all abt taking risks of maybe getting ur body injured in the process...cos my mum would always go "dun play bball/soccer(when i was in pri sch),get injured all the time de.."..but i would always reply "even walking on the streets...if u trip over something,u also get injured and even at home...hot water might spill on u...so whats the big deal manz...u mean i have to stay at home and do nothing to prevent myself from injuries?..thats not life...
okay..let me get straight to the point of how i got injured lar...
its like i was so pumped up for a score in the game of "american" that i ran for a layup...this is stupid..i just taught one of my friends here how to do a layup and now,i'm doing it with an injury in the process...
if u all know how a layup is done..it always has two steps b4 going up and "putting" the ball into the net...but if u see how i play with layups..cos last time i never was a "shooter"...pple would just go "CLiff shooting?..no no..dun shoot"...cos only by luck,would i score...so i was the one dealing with layups all the time...and as fanciful as it gets...i do all kinds of layup...
this time it was one that i was running in te direction parallel to the net...but the second step i took was an extreme turn towards the net to "put" the ball in...i was so hyped up to score already...cos i already outran everyone else...but came the injury...
it was a twist on the side of my leg against the ground..i tried to regain balance after twisting my leg..but the twist was too much that it turned into a trip and fall....it was so pain at first...but as usual,the act tough me would go "just give me awhile..i'll be back in the game soon"...i just held on to my leg until the pain was gone then pulled myself to the corner of the court to rest for awhile...but the rest i guess was too long..as the "nba-like" person said "dun sit on it..try standing and moving"..but it was just too pain to stand..i tried and even tried stretching it abit...but all of them thought it was muscle cramp...but it was actually a twist...so much worse...
i sat on it for like one hour..then later it was time for lunch...i didnt decide to go for lunch cos i knew i coulddnt walk..but was just so hungry..so my friends came and tried to help me to walk to the cafeteria..but it was just so pain..i couldnt do it...in fact,it got it hurting even more..cos i should be hopping on one leg...but what would pple think when they see me hopping around?..its just so pathetic...pple were just laughing when i did so..so i always stopped and tried to walk..but very pain everytime i did so..
had to ice it and get a taxi to go to the "walk-in clinic" nearby...that sucks..cos in the holidays i already went there twice cos of a fever and body aches..it was just a flu attack..and the payment here is like just consultation is 60 dollars...not including getting the sch insurance form signed...idiot manz...the doctors think they are big shots here...i lost my form and went back to get it sign..then the counter girl was like "u have to pay 40 dollars to get it signed again"...as though i wan the freaking signature for myself..its just to get my payment back from sch manz..
and in sch,the health insurance takes 4 weeks to be done...so counting all i used...its like about 240 dollars only going to get back in 4 weeks...that sucks...
now i'm staying at home...doing nth...but just letting my bro "serve" me...feel so bored..i'm the type that is always moving around...u cant expect me to jump everywhere i go right?..hopping on one foot then when stop,have to balance on one foot..u try it for half a day...u will know what i mean..and when i try to "Walk"...not even walk..but like limping..my ankle hurts very badly...haiz...had to "taxi" everywhere i went...in sch,must wait for pple to come and help me out with everything..cant climb stairs either...more like jump stairs and risk getting injured in the process...
felt so useless yesterday..can do nothing by myself..like an overgrown baby..it just isnt nice...when everyone helping u out is ur own age...like u cant do nothing by urself...and everyone helping u hold stuff....feel so reliant and dependent on others...when they of course got better things to do than helping someone like me ma...
anyways,i guess i'll end here..the holidays were great...travelled all around missisauga(the place i'm in)..and totally know much more places..and the parks and lakes here are so much nicer than singapore...what is singapore manz...totally parks are man-made...not natural at all...cant compare to nature life here manz..after army when i come back...no way is my future going to be spent in singapore...not be cos i dun like it anymore..but its just not the place u wanna spend for a lifetime...and drums cant be done there...arts just dun grow in singapore...ASia i mean...
all the best for pple back in singapore..do take care...best wishes..God bless..pen off...
yellowcard
Friday, April 01, 2005
4/01/2005 08:25:00 AM
yoz everyone...i'm back here to update u guys again...this time not abt life...guess was very bored that day...sorry if attitude and "sianz"ness came into the picture with an extreme extent...but i just got back my results today..maybe not totally as ideal as i thought i would do...but i guess i did my very best...and thats all i need to know...right?
hmm...b4 i start telling u guys the results...maybe i should go thru some details about how my study life has been like...
it has been a great struggle for me ever since coming into the sch...struggling with adapting..everyone i know is like staying in the sch...other than maybe Rocco,so started off playing bball with him always....but not staying in sch deprives me of alot of chances to get to know pple...had a tough time socialising with pple...but eventually i kind of opened up myself..and when more pple knew me...there was no prob just going around talking to just anyone..hehez..
abt studies,everything went gd in the beginning..even algebra -_-"...i was like scoring almost full marks for all my tests...and proficiency test even got top 12 loh...i was quite shock...cos i've never been a study freak..and how i was doing in singapore..i knew i was not that gd...but believe it or not,my o levels were surprising well done...compared to my prelims lar...great improvement...my maths that actually got 20 something in prelims...i got a B3 for o levels...quite surprising...cos ever since after PSLE...my A* mark...after that,never did do well in maths le...maybe it comes down to one point...my foundation in algebra was bad...so everything was pulled down by that weakness...but eventually got better...okay..i'm talking out of topic le...lets go back...
later on in the semester...my philosophy teacher was sick...was hospitalised..then all the troubles and struggles came...i couldnt attend philosophy class anymore..cos it clashed with my third period!...the rest of the students all could accommodate to it...but i couldnt...and it was my fav subject manz...=(..i even feel sad now that i couldnt attend it...there was so much of my interest to be met in such a class...totally manz...
then i was dozing off in classes for econs..cos in the morning..the temptation to just doze off...u will not understand if ur class is not by the window that leads to outside...which is so cold and so feel like sleeping manz...and u wont understand if u never even experience winter mornings b4 loh...=X
this caused me to lose alot of details and gd teachings..this teacher is the type that his notes are even better than the textbook itself..so u should know how much i lost out on...but i used the concept of "aiya,go home then revise should be ok liao lar"...but this dozing off was not always...even though my friends that are taking university courses walk past and say i always sleeping on the table...
i didnt wan to sleep de...i never wanted to..i guess the reason why teacher never scold me is be cos i always seem to be trying to keep my eyes open and he knows that i want to listen,but just cant help myself..lol...i love his teaching...but sorry lar...too comfortable not to fall asleep...but after a mth or two...i found that i have to really not sleep anymore...then i got better...and soon didnt just fall asleep for comfort reasons..hehez...i just had to put my mind to it...but the dozing off caused me to lose out alot on exams...cos sometimes u can just read the book and u wont get it de loh....
due to another reason of always oversleeping and missing the class...if u all dunno,i got a letter of warning that if i miss four more classes(a total of eight) then i cannot take the finals exams..so i was scared...so started asking my friend to call me in the morning to wake me up...but i feel like sometimes i waste her calling..cos i end up going back to sleep..so i had a total of 6 classes missed this semester..=X..this is another reason why i miss alot of information to do well in the course...
maybe i could have got 90s if i didnt doze off in class and didnt doze off in class..thats very true...hehez...the tests were like scary...my tests all were like 80 and 90s de...then suddenly last test got only a 60 mark...i was like scared..then started to always bring my econs book to the library and study during my free period in second period...almost 90% of my studies were in econs lar...cos algebra i dun understand anything even if i study..and philosophy is not one that u can just study and do well..its abt ur potential to score also...
then comes algebra...starting did very well..one of the few to pass the test that teacher say that is gd enough if u can even pass it...but later in the semester..even homework cant score..textbook answers all wrong..how the heck u know whether u r getting the question right manz?...-_-" tests starting just pass just passs...then last test i failed 27%..but i got to choose to drop that test...so i dropped it..struggling totally..always asking for help from pple...but on the verge of giving it up le loh..totally dun understand anything in class...teacher ask questions then i only can say "i dunno"...then everyone that knew i was smart in the beginning(only)...all think i'm just acting blur..and when they ask abt my marks for everyth..they keep on like shocked and say i'm bluffing them...idiot manz..maybe i'm too gd at acting smart...but really manz..i dun understand anything in class manz...
okay i'll get straight to my results now...
Philosophy - 80%
teacher was like praising me for even getting an 80%,considering that i never even attended one class after my first teacher was hospitalised..actually it was hard..i dun even know what the teacher is expecting in his answers..and totally i never even heard the teacher's opinions in answering the questions relating to the topics taught in class...all i have is myself..me and my brain...so i'm glad i even did well...considering the fact that i finish the test in 40 mins when i'm given 2hrs and 30mins to finish it...for ur information, i was very sick yesterday..whole body aching,bones feel very pain and had a high fever..saw the doctor...i'm feeling much better now...more rest will do it to recover fully...thats y i finished the test so slow...cos my body was aching..i couldnt sit on a chair properly..even my butt bones..does butt have bones?..=X...they hurt too...hahaz..stupid teacher was like "u had the most marks per second...but u only gave me 75% of what u had...u could have gotten 100% if u stayed longer"...but i was like ...what the heck..of course i wrote everything i had to say...but maybe he means elaboration and crapping more ba...
Economics - 82%
nothing much to say abt this...but i only know my finals examination pulled my overall average of actual 84% down...cos i really was like,had to study all by myself abt everything since i dun get to listen in class much...all due to my laziness..=(
Algebra- 54%
i know u all will go like "what the heck...why so low compared to the rest"...but the truth is, i suck at maths!!...my foundation in maths is bad...this algebra was like totally sucking the life out of me...getting a 54% has already caused a sigh of relief for me..so u should know how bad it is for me...my finals examination only got 44% loh...it was like so hard..and someone actually got 99%...i cant believe it manz....crazy!..dun wanna talk abt this..just know that its okay sincce i passed..cos if i failed...i cant graduate in june unless i take 4 courses next semester...which is totally like "are u crazy?"...
can see some similarity with my mid term results..maybe lower ba..i think mid term if i didnt forget was 78 83 58...so i guess i improved my philosophy..slightly lower econs mark and a drastic drop in algebra....maybe okay lar...4 marks adding to philosophy in exchange for 4 marks subtracting from algebra...i'm glad..=X if i see it that way..lol
anyways,its been a gd experience..but i'm glad its two weeks holidays for me now!...or else i'll die manz...been studying like mad..maybe not totally mugging like how "real" students do...but its crazy for someone like me that never knew what mugging is like to have mugged this semester...i usually study maybe three days b4 the exam...this time is like study two weeks b4 the exam...amazing manz...lol
k lar...i will stop my crap here...any comments abt anything, pls do "shout" in my box...hehez...take care ya?..God bless everyone
yellowcard
Monday, March 28, 2005
3/28/2005 11:53:00 PM
hey everyone..i'm here to blog le...last wednesday exams already over...now slacking until my final exam is over...one more philosophy only..but cant study..so its more like i'm slacking..cos the rest of the singaporeans haven done with exams yet...
today staying at home...not going anywhere..maybe i'll wait to see if even anyone calls me....i doubt so...other than marcus calling me,i doubt others take the initiative much to wanna call me de...its more like "Cliff will call me...i'll just wait"...
since i'm like stoning on my bed with my laptop on my lap....i'll just tell u what i'm planning to do today...slack,slack, and just slack more...maybe i'll pig out abit later..but today really no plans and same for tml..bro's got sch..even not coming back for dinner...maybe i'll just feel the absolute same way as he feels when i go out and leave him at home loh...but at least he's got company with his singaporean friend who is so reliable for company and a gf that constantly calls him and stuff...what am i?...a stone on the bed..lol
i'm like reflecting on my life...maybe how friends treat me in singapore...at times i feel very respected..cos usually i'm the leader and centre of attention when it comes to groups i go out with...but the bad side of that is that pple always think i'm cheery and think that i have no problems..an easygoing person...but i guess they dun understand something...i'm a sensitive freak...and everything u do..i ponder "what does that mean...what did that sentence imply"...correct lar..i think too much...just what literature and philosophy instils in me ba...
i miss my bball team..all boys...maybe one girl lar...no worries at all..sometimes i cant stand girls..but being in a grp in sch that has like two times amount of girls than guys usually...its a weird thing to say...its just that sometimes they can be such a burden...about their moodswings,PMS and constant worrying abt everything...can say that we guys just take one thing by one thing..tml can care abt itself manz...
maybe thats y pple always dun care so much abt me..cos i always seem alright...i help pple with problems as if there's no problem i cant handle myself....but its not true..u can advise others...but that same advice can be the one they give u when u face the same situation...just that its hard to advise urself..when ur in the situation...it just feels different..it feels as if the problem is too big to handle..but i guess u just hav to calm down,consult someone and think what is to be done ba...
once i left Canada,i knew many pple will be like "so fast go liao ar..i miss his presence in my life"...thats y i was delighted to leave..sounds bad right?..but really...it gave pple a thinking abt my importance in being a part of their lives...maybe cos i feel they always take me for granted..that when they need me..i'll always be there...but no more manz..i'm here...and if u wanna get help...send an email,find me if u can on msn or basically call me(hahaz..as if)...just wanted pple to feel my importance...not take me for granted...and dun always rely on me...go out there and be independent...its a growing step for me...and also a growing step for those close to me and always cling onto me for everything...
thinkin on my lovelife..i guess i know why i took the step of being dao towards girls when i came here...i didnt want the same things as in singapore...being friendly and end up pple call u a flirt...girls liking u(even though u hav no looks at all) and u having to reject them,which is the most hurting thing to do...cos the friendship gets hurt in the process...but basically just a self-labelled "boy toy" that i call myself..girls can like u for awhile,give up soon...and wow,a new guy is found for them to like...of course they are bored of u..CLiff,who do u think u r?...
from my history,the truth is no girl has liked me more than 2 mths...maybe they will like for awhile,then they leave..then they come back stating they like u again...what the heck manz...maybe got lar..but that was like in pri sch...a girl liked me for three years..but i dun even know her...classmates? ya...but i've never even talked to her b4...basically no understanding of my character..i dun see what other part of me can be attractive...not meaning my character is attractive lar...its annoying in fact...
been doing "why do i exist" for a topic on philosophy..maybe i can confirm my approach to answering this question is using religion...i know my purpose..but how much have i lived to fulfill my purpose?..where's my purpose...i wanna be a drummer...but no hopes so far...i'm just someone that cant be disciplined to study,have huge dreams in drums(self-labelling that my drum skills r gd..when they totally suck),cant even play bball properly...thats abt my life...christianity,studies,drums,bball...what a boring life u would say...but its real true..thats all for my life...
sorry blog,but i'm like turning u into a diary...or maybe more specifically...my pessimistic diary...but thats how i feel now...so "nothing"...pple can be desperate for steads,desperate for company,desperate for money...everything also desperate...but i cant judge them or anything...i'm a sum of them all..i'm desperate for a life...
i hope this stops soon..living day to day just stoning,mugging when studying and then have fun only when pple have time for me...u know how currency depreciates?...thats what is happening to me now...depreciating....pple told me b4 i came that "u make a difference in the lives of others"...hahaz...but now what,i dun have "others" to make a difference in...
maybe its the period that i'm asking myself this question again..what is true love?...true love is what u believe it to be and "the one" is the one u believe that she is the one...thats what my friend told me...but what the heck...i dun believe in anyone now...i've lost my trust for the world...at least girls ba...i dunno who to trust in...maybe true love occurs to everyone...but not me ba...i only deceive myself that i'm in love..but actually the truth is "u love her,she doesnt love u"...i feel loss for words now ba...i'm talkig rubbish..yeah..i know..."what u talking abt..u always talk rubbish my friend"...
maybe this is the problem with loving pple too much and caring too much..they take u for granted..but little is returned...maybe its unconditional love and care i'm trying to give...but have u spared a thought that pple have feelings..they want at least a bit back...even a thank u makes a big difference rather than "wow,u r nice"...i know i'm nice...but that way of responding is the way to just tell me that u r taking me for granted...
i find it true abt something..i lack love...love that i can get is from my parents and siblings..but i dunno why..i dun relate to them that way...they think i'm wild,but i wish they could see the part of me tat is struggling with the wildness in me just to be the kind of "good" boy that want me to be...
everyone seems to be getting love in the LEE family...except for me...my bro and sis were in relationships that were so solid...my bro's lasting from sec four until now..my sis had a choice of choosing that guy or going on with life and meeting a even better guy...they have lovers that are willing to do anything for them...i am such a lover...but no one will ever be willing to do such a thing for me ba...its true..i know...i'm not worth it...
my parents,sis,bro all having true love..i'm one year above sec four and i've not been in a serious or stable relationship b4...not lasting more than two mths...now even my closest cousin has one that lasted three mths le...its pure childish jealousy im having i guess..everyone will answer "its just not ur time yet my dear..."...but when is?...looking at the cycle of love in my life...
girls are so typical when it comes to liking me..."whoa..shuai ge"(what the heck..i'm so ugly..do u have a speck of dust in ur eye?"..."he's so nice"(thats y in the end i'm gonna dump him and throw all faults at him...and i know he wont even retaliate,cos his conscience wont allow him)..."i love u too"(hahaz..sounds so real..sounds like in the movie...but not reality for me...as one mth later..they will say "i think we just dun work out..the feeling has just disappeared..i cant force myself to like u anymore..wth")..."i really like u like crazy"(crap manz...cos one week later i reject..some can go "i can find a better guy than u..dun worry..i've not even started liking u" when one week b4,they were like so desperate "i'll wait for u to come back from CAnada..i dun wan to lose this opportunity with u")...know why i call myself a boy toy already right?...
okay...enough of pessimistic stuff....i'll end off here...have a happy life in singaporek everyone?...dun be like me...
yellowcard
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
3/23/2005 05:57:00 AM
yoz everyone...its been quite some time since i've blogged lar...hmm...since when?...maybe like two weeks back?...dunno lar...anyways, i'm back to blogging...even though my finals is like tml..but been studying like mad these few days(compared to how i used to be...i feel like i'm so different)....library,studies and Cliff has never been together i guess....i know i know..u r like telling me "Cliff??..study???...u must be kidding right?"...yeah..thats true...but what i'm telling u now is true too...=P
yesterday i like studied until 5am...only slept about like 3 hours then woke up again to prepare to come to sch to study...i dunno whether these studies will pay off in the two final exams i have tml...econs and algebra...that sucks...cos both also must mug like siao de...philosophy is so fun..but its like the last day..but look on the bright side..after tml..i'll have about three weeks of holidays...cos actually its two weeks after the exam period..but since philosophy u cant study..lol...gd right?...but looking at the present..now all i can see is mmugging mugging muggin...where got fun?!..dun study also cannot..singaporeans here all studyiing..make me feel so guilty...sucks manz...why cant they just hold back a little...=(
basketball tournament is over...out of five matches like only 2 were well played...but still lose...but out of these two match..the score was half done by me...so i'm glad enough..since i've only played bball seriously for like less than 6 mths...while the pple i know..like Rocco..that three pointer...has played llike 9 years loh....means he started ever since he was ten loh...overall,it was fun..i took it more like an experience than a match played for competition lar...
music night...hmm...haven update u guys abt this..but i didnt perform for it...indeed they would have used me if they could..but b4 i stepped into the picture...they already agreed to allow someone else to play...a korean guy..he may not be so gd...but he is graduating this semester...and i guess its not abt how good u r...but its abt giving chances for others to play too ba...but still,i had the strong feeling of just going to them and say "i play lar...not he play"...=X
it was fabulous..like a concert in the night...i'm glad they off the lights...turned up the atmosphere much more...so nice...there were like breakdancers that totally rocked...he spinned on his head for like 10 seconds loh...ok lar..not head...but with a helmet lar...but still,great balance manz..then at the end of the 10 seconds..he did a finale by spinning even more...without hands wor..so cool...cant be described by words manz...
of course..they won lar..compared to the crappy bands and crappy dancing...but the band i was supposed to be in was cool...great entertainment..but their coordination was not gd...i guess its really abt coordination..so i kind of want them to put more effort in the next one..by choosing the songs soon....i dun doubt their ability of learning the songs..but i doubt that coordination can be made by just a few practices last minute loh...i'm so into this...but i wont tell anybody here abt how the performance will be like yet lar..in case anyone from bronte college comes and read it...i want it to be original and cool...hehez...
hmm...finals tml..so scared..algebra like still strugglin..but as u guys know me..i'm not the type to like totally put 200% effort in trying to do well...i'll just take some time out to study it..i just did for about like 2 hours ba...got help from pple here at sch...and tonight maybe my bro can help abit...my main objective is to not to fail can le...i know i wont do extremely well..but i just wanna do my best ba...
tonight guess i gotta mug for econs until very late..maybe 5am again?...cant lar...or else how am i going to wake up for the exam..its at 9..i'm scared i oversleep..then gone case manz..=X..pray abt that manz..lol
yesterday was like studying 3 hours just for one topic..it was so bloody long loh...and still like i skipped the class that teacher was talking abt that..or maybe i was just falling asleep..hahaz...cant resist the temptation of dozing off in class at that period de lar...dun blame me...the cold is so nice to sleep...lol...
i dunno what i'm gonna do abt the holidays..but i know for sure one thing..i'm not staying at home...lol...wanna just play until siao lar...totally loh...the feeling sucks for ur world to be revolving on the axis of bronte college loh...what the heck manz...wish that the sch could be more interesting..maybe music nights every week?..hehez..
i want to get an increase in my allowance for the holidays lar...maybe 200 for three weeks ba...reasonable ma...usually lunch and dinner already 10 dollars ma...3 weeks is like 21 days loh..ya la...maybe not everyday go out lar(like real i'll stay at home)...but it should be 210 dollars loh...in singapore..i'll just keep on taking money from my mum loh..no limit...so quite gd liao lar...gd bargain for my mum..=X...
k lar..i end here..dun wan to talk too much...pls..shout in my box ya?...or else this blog gonna sian le..lol..byez
yellowcard
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
3/08/2005 10:07:00 AM
Gd News Manz...I wont have to wait until next semester b4 i can play for music night as a drummer...i'm already chosen to be my friends' band drummer today...thats mean if they want me again...next semester i will get to perform again..YeAh~!
i know i should keep my image and not be so overjoyed...but i really longed for this day to play with an actual band to jam loh....totally playing punk rock lehz...so COOL!!...lolx...they all also quite gd...two electric guitarist and one singer...then three of them also singing...taking turns to sing...the guitarist that i know and requested that i join music club last time one is called Han...he is a drummer cum guitarist...same as me...just that his skills at guitar much better...but abt his drums,i've yet to seen...but i believe i'll get to see since he is playing for two other bands on that day itself too...i only know him from playing bball..hehez
The songs we are playing(i wish for better choices like American Idiot(Green DAy)/Shut up(Simple plan)...but i guess i shouldnt request for so much when i'm not even singing...hehez..):
1) Welcome to my Life (Simple Plan)
2) Addicted (simple Plan)
3) Perfect (Simple plan again..-_-")
4) Only One (Yellowcard...totally cool song...totally rock up the music room just now...woohoo..=X)
The punk rock songs are so nice to play loh...i've been practising these few days at sch by myself ma...so many totally hear me from around the sch then come and see who is it...i got to teach two of my guy friends and Clara....so nice to teach them...esp when they get the beat...one of the guy friends is from korea de...then he is like take his digital cam and take me...sia lar...just like yesterday,at church...auntie jill(my mum's friend here) came to record down the whole worship done by me and my bro at my church...cos i ask my bro come and lead with me at church..so long never play with him le...close to a year i guess...but i'm glad both of us improve alot..dun need yangkai for advice and still did quite well..hehez
the songs we played as a band..he sing and play guitar..i play drums...we had two backups to help also:
1)Making a Difference
2)Lord Most High
3)You are Holy(Prince of Peace)
4)Blessed be Your Name(Rocks manz...)
5)God Of Wonders
6)Open The Eyes of My heart
this is wrong manz...i'm being so crazy abt my music that i kinda forget all my sch work...esp the schedule i prepared yesterday for the finals' preparation....study schedule..hehez...i wanna do well..but time management very important..still got one last bball match this coming thursday...i hope can win this time...last week one lost...so disappointed,lost to such an easy team...one reason is cos only me "hot" last week...totally more than half the points i score de...the rest like dunno why not serious in playing..maybe cos we lost 3 matches le...but all with me not playing serious at all...until last week..and Rocco(three pointer and totally "God" at shooting) got a cramp at half time..so sianz loh..we were like leading 16-2 like that...but ended up lost my partner and double team player...then lost end up 24-26...one ball only lar...but haiz...so wasted...
i've had about 10 "disciples" since i've come here...about drums lar...aiya,call them students ba..i should start charging money le...i think i so passionate about drums..i didnt even know i taught those two fellows at sch today for about 2 hours...one after another..taking turns...at church that time also teach my "best"(talented) student for 2 hours....she's very gd lar...gets the beats very easily..its like in her...so admire my students loh..no one even taught me at the beginning..i struggle with it myself..thats y i can teach now...cos i "taught" myself last time...
cant wait to perform on 19th march...Music NigHt Wor...so cool...rock in the night..i hope they off the lights in the gym...hehez...then this coming friday got raptors game...wa lao..they win Lakers lehz...109-102...best sia...this is an opportunity to see raptors and how good they are manz...even though we didnt manage to get tickets for that specific game..but nvm lar...can see them and quite near the court and can feel the atmosphere...cant wait manz!!...do i seem like i'm here for a holiday or studying ar?...hehez...but wait...i have changed my habit of studying in the night and end up sleeping half way...to waking up early in the morning instead to study...like maybe 2-3 hours a day...while the hours i have as free time in sch lar..but usually i dont study at sch library....it sucks and totally cant get anything done de...
k lar...i end off here...
yellowcard
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
3/01/2005 12:40:00 AM
hey everyone,back to blogging for now ba...since me quite sianz in the sch library...having a free period...called marcus to chat awhile..30mins sia...thats bad...cos for weekdays morning and afternoon...i only have 100 mins per mth...=X..and 1000 mins for weekends and weekday nights...but incoming 24/7 free lar...wish someone would call me or something...that would be much better...always ask me to call wor...anyways,the number is once again 14168800798...1 for country code...416 for area code..and 8800798 for my hp no...get an international calling card to call(100% advisable)...or else ur parents come to me for a bill...then i die loh..
now should be studying..today had econs test...tml got philosophy test...sia lar...yesterday wait for o level results until 4am...then force myself to stay awake until 5 to study for econs test today...heng got use sia...or flung my test again..i will die manz...(not doing extremely well with studies..haiz)
now too tired to study for phil test..thats why..or else i will be mugging le loh...just totally too tired...1 hour test just now..30 mins finish then sleep...last five mins teacher ask me not to sleep..then tahan for five mins dun sleep loh...wa..then too sianz,went gym to play bball..but like totally no strength to throw bball loh...so i came library talk to marcus on the phone then put down le...talk to my friends in the library then come here sianz loh..i got about like ten mins b4 lunch wor...see how much i can type...very hungry..hehez
yesterday was a day i dunno what i was feeling...it was Clara's bday...then i went to buy gift for her on saturday then yesterday(sunday),we decorated her room in the sch when she was out..then got a total surprise when she came back...blow balloon until siao sia..like about 45+- balloons...i mean that i personally blew lar...the feeling was bad lar..i was dizzy after that...went to play pool with them...act as if we forgot her bday...then later go back sch...we rush to her home while Siqi walked the stairs with her up(they wan to slim down ma...so make it a habit to walk 8 floors up everytime)....hehez...
i just felt like i didnt make her bday well lar...i smashed the cake i had in her face..then she was quite angry..dunno lar..i just wanted to make the bday a happy day for her..cos i know how it is to be neglected on bdays...so i didnt wan her to feel how i used to feel...wonder how my bday will be this year...here in CAnada...
i always try to be the one that makes a difference to pple's bday de...by making it big and stuff...but this time i felt i messed up..but i'm just glad she appreciated it ba...nth more..
the o level results is like B3(English),B3(Lit),B4(Maths),B4(Chinese),then add together plus the others that i kind of forgot is about 10-20 that range...L1R5 i mean..its quite gd to me as i felt no need to care abt o levels...cos its not important to me now that i'm here in CAnada..only maths and english...cos i flung english(failed by 1 mark in prelims cos did wrong compo question) and failed maths like 25/100...so its a big difference..i'm so glad..hehez...those two are crucial....cos the sch here wants to know whether my maths and english can make it de ma...so like that loh...anyways,its useless now...cos i already got top 12 or something for the proficiency test that i took when i came here..so it proves everything..cos it was maths and english they tested us on...
pls email me if anything to say..or just crap in the the "shoutbox"...i dun mind if u flood it de...it wont crash the site ma..hehez..i miss everyone so much...last time is church friends and bball team...now its my grp in sch..the big big grp that took abt more than 1 hour of my time on the phone talking to each of them one by one... but i really wish i was with them...consoling those that didnt do well...while being happy with those that did...but with my results..i cant go anywhere gd in singapore lar...so i'm glad i came here...not in the sense that its easier here...but its cos singapore is so much different with the education system...teachers so boring...so much stress and so much memorising...here is more like understanding..which is my personal concept of what knowledge and being smart is abt...not memorising the whole textbook word for word..i know friends in the first class in sch that do that..what the heck manz...
k lar..i go for lunch le...everyone take care ya...will blog as soon as possible again...;) pen off
yellowcard
Sunday, February 20, 2005
2/20/2005 02:57:00 AM
hey Everyone...my marks seem to me that i'm more of a 80 marks student than a 90 marks student ba..thats bad...all the friends around me all 90 plus de...very pressured loh...but who cares,i'm different...i never was extremely gd in studies loh....
got my midterm results le...
Algebra: 60%(said to be harder than my bro's algebra in winnipeg...cos he couldnt even do the questions i was doing...he scored 90 plus ba...but his maths always very gd de ma...still got choice to take A maths...not me manz...me is humans de...)
Philosophy: 80%(i love philosophy manz...maybe some find it boring...but i love learning abt the reason pple live,what pple believe in,superstitions and big words esp..lol...so cool loh..i'm loving it!..lol...but so sad my algebra class clash with phil class...then have to have a independent lesson with teacher...which is more like he put me in library then let me study up the materials by myself...but usually i go and ask him questions abt philosophy de...always replying "Cliff..thats a very gd question..."...i guess he was impressed that i finished the first assignment he gave me...that was supposed to be for the day's homework..tml then hand up..i hand up straight after 30mins he gave it to me...with quality..lol..=X...cos for philosophy..i totally can be engrossed in doing it de loh..)
Economics: 83% (economics ar...just try not to sleep in class then can le loh...but my last test was screwed lar...pple gave me tips abt the test,then end up more of the other things other than the tips came out...but heng can drop one test at the end of the term...rest of tests must do very very well le..or die manz)
k lar...anything feel free to email me or just "shout" what u wanna say in the shoutbox...so little pple using it now that i never blog...but its hardly i can find time for blogging loh...its not that i dun wan...but true lar,if i'm in singapore,i'll never devote time to doing blogging de...waste of time...no commitment..i only did so cos when i came Canada,it was so boring...not much friends yet..so have to stick to u guys as company as friends...not meaning now u all not important lar...june is only 4 mths away..time flies...2mths gone without Cliff bothering u in ur life le...
i seriously think i having an attitude change..dunno y lar...i hope i dun get an AP lar...attitude problem...but very guai lan since i came here(but many will disagree as i've always been)....known alot of pple in sch le....but i'm not satisfied..i want to know more,more,more..hehez...but not gd also...they know me for being the "Stupid Cliff" while i dun even know some of their names...=X..i'm bad with names and with my concept of "everyone is my friend", tend to just talk to pple without asking their name de..i find it very artificial and stupid to say "whats ur name?"....dunno y lar..
k lar..i pen off here..not supposed to add so much to my entry de..hehez...cya guys and gals around...
yellowcard
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
2/16/2005 11:42:00 AM
update on results of how i'm doing here....i will just roughly write my marks here...some may be more or less but i just round off lar and make it as accurately as i can remember them lar...start with my lousiest subject
Algebra:-
first test(proof..very hard..most pple fail): 12/20
second test(triangles and little of proof): 32/61
third test(triangles and circles): 54/79
mid term mark(sux big time...plus homework that i usually score badly): 60%
How to improve:-
Gonna have to study real hard for this,take homework much more seriously and devote more time and even how boring class is,just listen with 100% concentration...dunno,ask...thats my strategy...
Economics:-
first test(relatively easy but should get full marks just be cos it was the second time i attended class and the first class teacher never come,then second day got test le..had to study both chapters by myself...dun even know what economics is abt loh..never study b4): 90% more or less
SEcond test(i missed the class the day b4 this test,cos my bro off my alarm!!...so i had to study by myself,but didnt even know of the test...i dunno many pple in econs,and even if i know...its those type of "hi-bye" friends or "wanna play bball?" friends"): 65%
Mid term results(including homework which is conscientious and well done most of the time and extra points for actively answering questions and participating in "going up to white board and writing"..if u get what i mean): 83%
How to Improve:-
dun feel so sleepy in class,then tests dun need to study everything and still know alot...cos i was feel sleepy cos..even though here sch starts at 8 only...but the cold weather really makes one want to sleep loh...so i will be like "trying not to sleep" look lar...but teacher wont scold cos he know i'm still listening and trying to keep awake..hehez...always sleeping at every chance he talks outside the class topic and waking up once he gets back to talking impt stuff,but sometimes,i only wake up for questions asked by him..which is bad lar....and remembering to bring my econs book back for homework..always forget,then have to go sch sometimes earlier or usually,just copy the MCQ answers from friends,which lower my grades...=X
Philosophy:-
first test(was bad be cos of my rough notes section,i did it on a separate question then didnt know must hand up for marks...or else i could get 85%...pathetic..was so pissed off..i'm so stupid at time..haiz):65%
presentation on Jesus Christ,so damn hard...there's no hard facts abt Him,everything is so religious and to believe by faith and not by sight...now i understand why nobody choose Him b4...but it was a gd learning between me and my bro for it..still debating abt my marks with teacher but the unsatisfied and unfair mark he gave is: 84%
classes have been changed to period 3 which clash with my Algebra lesson..so i've missed like 4 classes...suppose to have independent on on one lessons with him...but always go and find him,cant find de...so pissed...but i saw him today at lunch then arranged a time to meet tml le..so should get back to studying it soon...but not much learnt,thats what i heard from Rocco...but i believe its still interesting,i love philosophy...but all my marks should be gd but not gd...very disappointing..even the presentation was done much better than others loh...could tell from the marks...got all parts of it about 20+/25...but only one of the four parts got 17/25...and thats the thinking and stuff..i dun agree...he should deprive me of marks from His philosophy...but maybe just that not hard facts and all my own opinions...so very hard to score...dun talk abt it lar...
i end here...not supposed to make a blog entry de...i wanna save the time for other stuff...algebra sux...seems like my blog no one visit and "shout" at me le...but its okay...i just hope u all remember that someone named "Cliff" once existed in ur life can le...i'll be more than satisfied le ;)...pen off
yellowcard
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
2/02/2005 11:13:00 AM
this is the 43 day in Canada...hehez fast right?...since my last entry..hehez
kind of getting so bored with life now,everyday is like its almost the same....i wish someone more would happen...i wish i didnt have to like go thru the same procedure everyday,go to sch,eat lunch,play bball after sch,go home,eat dinner,maybe watch tv or do homework,sleep..then the whole day starts all over again....
these few days i dunno y,but socialising doesnt even seem to be like a part of me loh...i only talk to pple i know..i dunno,but maybe its just one of those days that i get moody loh(oh manz...i sound as if i am a girl=X)...
today went to church for band practice with the team that "recruited" me...it didnt went gd...if i have state frankly...it sucked...sucked life right out of me...i suddenly just felt "huh? this is music?...music sux manz..if this is what is described as music"....i dunno,i just felt that it was the worst band practice i've gone to...i must admit that the band doesnt even have the urge to wanna make gd music...they were like half hearted in the music making...other than maybe raymond and the girl guitarist...at least she has a sense of music...and its just another band that has gd music,but singers like dun dare to sing like that...aiya,not dun dare..i just dun feel the power of music in them...not be cos they are lousy,but the enthusiasm in them...
they sing while sitting on the floor loh...its not wrong but it just gave me the feeling that they like not totally into doing it de loh...then the pianist is like "the song is too hard to play...i tried and gave up"...i understand the "hard" part..but i dun understand the "gave up" part...it was just very discouraging for me in the way i heard it loh....
then next,betty was like telling me "its too loud lar...its hurting my ears"...when i use like 1/100 of my strength le loh...maybe not so little lar...but its really try my best le loh...i feel so self-conscious abt my strokes...i felt i not even playing with feeling le loh...i felt so practically dead and like everything abt my drumming was robotic...like "next,i'm gonna do this...after that,i'm gonna do this"....thats not how i play manz...i play drums,i can play one song...but everytime i play,i do it differently de...
we did "my best friend"..it rocked...just that betty was like "its too loud,its hurting my ears"...i wonder whether she even listens to rock..i'm not even playing rock..i'm like playing pop/contemporary...-_-"...then later i was deprived of drums playing just for her ears...i was very pissed...but i guess cos its like in the basement of the church..enclosed...so it was kind of loud...
i've yet to played drums since last year sept...and now she crashing my party at last when i can do it again...ended up having to play guitar instead..cos the guitarist was like "my fingers hurt...i have to rest awhile"...her "awhile" is until the whole band practice ended...i know i can play both instruments,drums and guitar..but i dread playing guitar..i dun hav the talent in doing so...i only like having fun and totally jamming with it...but no,i'm not the one with the guitar in my hand while jamming....not now,not ever....
i'm like in a mood of even if u tell me a lame joke(the only type of joke i appreciate alot..lolx =X),i'll just say "haha" and brush it off me...
guess its just not the time i should be doing blogging..maybe when i get into a better condition first loh...cya guys another time..byez...tml having drum courses,learning "hoobastank" cd...dunno how many songs he can manage to cover in that 30 mins duration...but i guess it will help me regain my life with drums...he's cool...and drums R Cool...hehez...talking rubbish le..byez
yellowcard
Thursday, January 27, 2005
1/27/2005 10:57:00 AM
37th day in CAnada...
as u see in my shoutbox...i wont be writing so often next time le...starting to get busy at sch le....and quite tired sometimes and so many things to do..once i write blog,i have to devote like one hour or sometimes even an hour and a half to writing loh...
abt what u all can do to make me write more,other than days that me free to write, is what i stated in the shoutbox...read there lar..i dun wan to waste my typing...hehez...=P
but not everyday i will reply the questions...it really depends...i will ASAP..i promise...just that dun expect a quick one day reply lar...maybe i will sum up a few questions and answer them together...but depends on the questions lar...if u ask something i can say alot abt...then maybe i'll write very long..hehez...
i wont elaborate too much on my day today....but yesterday Jaz walked pass me and then i said hi...she gave me a cold hi...i thought maybe she really was going with the concept that after rejected,cant be friends like b4 le....but i didnt care..i just continued teasing her while talking to Rocco "some people are in a bad mood"...=X
but later to my amazement..she came into the gym in the afternoon where i was as usual,playing bball...came to me...touched my arm again...i think she touched quite a few times le...the wonder she said "by ur arm structure,i can tell u learn thai boxing b4"...i didnt understand what she mean lar...
after touching then said "did u see the guy that wanted to pick a fight with u?"...i said "why?"...cos she looked extremely angry...she looked as if she gonna beat me up loh...but who cares,i know she wont...and even if she does...she's a girl,i cant do anything but just stop her loh...cant fight back right?...girl lehz...hehez
then i shouted when she left saying "nvm"..."hey dun tell me u gonna beat him up ok?"...then she said "no..i'm just going to throw something at him"...my God...i wonder whether this has a click to why he is so afraid of me...he walks pass me and plays soccer in my presence with his eyes down..dun even dare look at me...maybe cos he was shocked that i was not afraid of him..i think he is the typical bully that expects pple to be scared of him..i was not,maybe that shocked him...and even answered him in a way that i'm more superior than him...or maybe be cos JAz did something..i dunno..
just that i told my singaporeans that came to see me play bball today...Siqi was like saying he staring at the ground,like he no self confidence like that....then we just laughed...bad lar...
okay...enough abt that..i'm supposed to be sleeping soon..its 10pm here le...i wanna sleep early,then wake up early...got to prepare a presentation on maths tml...so need to do some researching in the morning..but wont take more than an hour lar...or even less...so thats y i'm gonna just try to keep this as short as possible...so no elaboration...no more stories..hehez
erm...today my drum course started..the guy that taught me was cool...i think i impressed him quite much...cos i told him i never play for much but only play for church...but later then i added the info that me play for symphonic band -military beats,concert band(for sch on teacher's day and used to be in the band for all special events to play music de..but sec four dun hav le..too old i guess,give the younger ones a chance) too....
he taught me beats that actually i already know..its just that i had a little problem cos i usually play fast songs and like fast beats...so he did it slowly and elaborated on the beats...so i was not used to it..coming to think abt it,he taught me almost everything i knew loh...cos he thought me beginner ma...but its cool lar...
he started by asking me to warm up while he played the bass...i was a little stiff when i started..and i guess my hands are getting back to stiff le..cos since Gospel RAlly(sept last year)...never touch drums much lar...so the beats that i used to be able to just use one hand to do...i have to use two hands for now...
but it was cool manz...but i just dun like that he is more like appreciating my beats than teaching me anything...but i guess he is just seeing where i stand and know my standard first ba....so today seemed so fast...30mins ma...what i expect manz...
but the price here is better lar...its like double the price in singapore..and this guy seems rather nice..i thought maybe he will be like a punk and very act cool type..but end up he is a punk lar...very cool..but very gd natured too..nice guy manz..i dun mind learning from such a guy..hehez...
really..come to think abt it,its all like he teaching me beats i already know loh...maybe he just doesnt know i already know them...so we were like going thru everything i already knew...i wished he taught much more things...but back to what he is supposed to do...its just the first lesson..so he has to know what i stand...
u know whats more cool?...i need help on this...PPLE OUt THERE...give me a suggestion of CDs or bands that i should learn..maybe cos i dun hav the CDs now..i could go buy them lar...give me suggestion on what kind of drummer should i learn from...cos he's asking me to bring a CD next week then he will teach me the beats of that particular drummer...cool right?
okay...maybe u guys can give me comments on this...which CD should i learn: Simple plan or GReen day or Sum41 or hoobastank or AVril Lavigne or MAtchbox twenty(Punk Rock/Alternative)or Michael learns to rock(Love songs)...cos those are the cds that i have with me here in Canada...didnt bring all over...or should i learn christian music..i dun think i would want to learn that...cos christian is like what i'm learning from everytime from yangkai and other church musicians...
or else...if these cds not gd enough...give me a suggestion of a cd k?..i'll buy it if i think they are gd....cos i cant think now...i only know i like the drummers of simple plan and hoobastank...thats all....hehez...
k lar...i end off here...take care guys...Q & A starts now...question and answer...do it if u want..and pls suggest the drummer i should learn from...thanks...;) God bless
yellowcard
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
1/25/2005 07:39:00 AM
hey everyone,seemingly no one has casted any questions for me yet...thats gd and bad....gd meaning tht i dun need to write so long...cos question+day reflection is gonna be very very long...bad cos either no one seems to be wanting to ask questions abt me or cos worst,not much pple are coming to this blog anymore..maybe i'm boring pple now...
but unlike other blogs,at least my background is white ma...or black totally makes it so dull for reading loh...feel like falling asleep...thats my opinion lar...and i dun talk abt my day like "today i had recess,recess was boring...talked to my friends...teacher didnt come today...i had a cough today...so sick manz.."...i do so much elaboration and totally u can know how my thinkings are like and totally i choose my events to say or else if i do it how majority talk abt their lives in their blog...sure bored u all to death de...hope i captivated quite alot of pple to come to read this blog at least once a week ba...or better...everyday..=X
today is the day i call "confessions" day cos quite a few pple confessed they like me today...i'm not boasting or not saying that my gdlooking or anything..but thats just the truth...i was quite shocked too...but as i guessed,quite a few girls confessed only when i left singapore...but i wont elaborate on those from singapore much...and wont disclose their names either...i never do so unless to those very close to me and know they will shut their mouths up...or else will spoil the reputation of the girls...
cos i think girls that like me spoil their reputation by doing so...dun ask me y..but my immediate reaction to someone confessing to me is "r u crazy? u must be haven seen the world...why choose me?..i'm not worth it" but i'm born with this type of very strong knowing of which girl likes me and stuff...so i dun get shocked when pple tell me that..but i just always hope its not true...cos i label pple as "bad choice" to choose me lar...maybe just poor self image lar...
and i also think girls toy me lar...i wont go into great detail abt this...but i just think they wont like me more than half a year de...or worst,not even a month loh...just infatuation or crush...so u should know how much i dun trust love at all lar...so i'm not the one usually confessing...unless i truly know that the girl likes me too...or i'll just force the liking out of me...thats me..k i wont go on abt this...wa..thats my definition of "brief elaboration"..hehez...so u should know why my compos are so long..=X
remember the girl that is indonesian and chinese mixed blood?...but she looks more like an indian but also not totally like indian lar....the one that helped me when i felt so lost in the sch and dunno what to do with my choices of taking university courses straight or AP programs...she didnt help much...but i felt very nice being with her...so u can understand why i cant accept that pple think otherwise..
it went like this,she was so nice to me last time...she was like the first "true" friend i met in sch...didnt get to be in same classes with her to further our friendship cos i dropped world history..but she did too afterawhile...but i always said "hi" to her everytime i walked past her and even talk to her quite awhile...i didnt understand why she always felt so happy when i talked to her then...but now i understand...esp when she always walks past me with a sulky face...i only understand it now...maybe i understood everything wrongly b4 loh...
i always thought she was very sociable,got alot of friends and is a very nice and sociable girl...but when i heard from my singaporeans friends on saturday that she is very irritating and weird...but i cant define that she is weird..maybe she was just playful...cos they said last semester she used lipstick on a person's shirt...everyone does stupid things sometimes ma...
and then today while i was talking to her...betty and fiona(childhood and church friends) cousin catherine ran to me when she saw i talking to her...then said something in chinese like "she flirts with guys de...and many guys scared of her..she's weird...dun talk to her"...i was like "no lar...i can handle...dun worry k?"...then jaz asked me what i was saying..i told her something like "nothing,she's my church friend...she just told me something abt church"...they are so...racist loh...i know i differentiate between chinese and indians..but i totally am open to making friends with any race loh...haiz..i feel so sad for these pple...nigerians walk by themselves in small groups of their own race...pple do talk to them...but in cantonese...like in algebra class..the hong kong pple despise them...
i guess God put me here to learn how to be independent..and not only mature,but see things and open my eyes of how the world is really like...in singapore,i didnt even realise that indians in my sch...which are a small minority...they sit by themselves...and totally feel left out and small...i do talk to them sometimes,cos i feel its unfair to like chinese with chinese and malay with malay..i wouldnt see minority of malays in my sch..cos woodlands ma..in fact the malays are sometimes even more rowdy than the chinese...
i have alot of malay friends in my sch...used to be with them always de...but had a chinese grp in sch..then this malay girl me very close with,tried hanging out with us...but they always speak chinese...its very hard for her to adapt..then me and her friendship also not gd...she also liked me cos i was nice and treated her directly like how i treat chinese...the "also" word will be explained later....she even had to like meet me on weekends and sometimes even just single me out from my grp and have time with her...i think she felt that i neglected her..but its real hard..i wished my grp would allow her to be a part too..but its just so different...
okay,this was how it was like...i know u guys will be like going "is this all ur day was abt?"....but this is what i wanna emphasize on today..it wont be boring..i can assure u that...
it was like this,i played bball after sch...she was there when i got into a fight with that korean guy on friday too...and quick recap...she headlocked me,i headlocked her back with a counter cos i teased her abt wanting to play with the guys...i didnt know what her intentions were then lar...then later she left for awhile,then me got into the "fight" with that guy...
and abt that guy,he passed me like three times today at sch...but didnt even dare to look at me...everytime he looked,he quickly just looked away....he's a coward..i really just wanted to go up to him and say "u asked me to watch out right?...i'm watching out now...what do u want manz?"...lol...but i guess as i always say..."no trouble is better than getting into trouble even if u can handle it"...there's a philosophy in china abt it too...i'm glad i created my own version of the same meaning without even knowing the philosophy first..hehez
the last time he walked pass me in sch,guoyi was like telling me "he's afraid of u manz"...lol...cos i was only using bird's eye view...while Rocco and guoyi were like staring at him...so they told me he walked pass me with a distance...cos i always thought maybe he was just holding back his anger at me...esp when i'm at my locker and he walks behind me and stop there for awhile..as if i'm gonna get hit soon...but hearing them say that....i guess i dun need to worry abt self defending myself...
he came into gym too to play soccer...but once he saw me when i jumped off the stage where pple rest...i bounced my bball and he walked out of the gym,not even looking at me...what's he so afraid of...i thought his courage was very strong that day...its true "look fear in the eye and just brush it off u"....i did that on friday and that seemed to shut him up...he's taller loh and looks more violent than me...so whats he afraid of manz..-_-" not like he knows i know thai boxing right...
ya,back to JAz...she was sitting by on the stage while i was playing bball....this is the first day she came to the bball court...and why would pple come to the gym to do her art homework?...as if it gives her inspiration with all the noise of balls bouncing on the ground..i scolded her cos she felt it was noisy and was scared of balls flying at her..but she's not even supposed to be doing her homework there...as a girl that acts tough again..she came at me like wanting to fight..i just pushed her away..its like that,if u act like a boy...i'll treat u like one...but i wont counter attack lar...i dun hit girls...unless they are really butch or tomboyish lar..
then i hated this part...everyone left...cos i was using my ball..pple from outside if they hear the sound of balls...they would come in and play too...no one cares whose ball or anything...thats what i like abt it..i just go to the court when i lazy to take my ball and play with the rest..i know most of the bballers anyways...
ya...Clara passed me her burnt cd of "green day" liao...and i passed her like 4-5 cds for her to rip into her com...the singaporeans told me that there will be a lakers match coming up soon..i wanna go!....i convinced Clara to take the 70 dollars seating with me instead of the front seats..or else i cant go...90 is so ex loh...but if she really want,then i will take 90 loh...cos i'm the person that if using money...i rather go all the way...why get half quality when u going to spend the money already?
okay back to JAz...everyone left...then she talked to me and b4 everyone left...she was already asking me to sit beside her...i knew there was something going on by how it was asked....maybe u all will think "sit beside only ma...nothing much ma..very natural"...but i am very sensitive to such tones and their meanings...so i could tell...
i was b4 that telling her that i wanna play bball..but after everyone left,she insisted that i sit with her loh...so okay loh...cos i bounce the ball also very hard to talk to her...very noisy...if u know how indoor courts are like lar...
i sat there...then she was like touching me loh...in the sense that i just sit down,then she felt my hand..and used the trick of "reading palms" to get closer to me...then later she lied on my legs...i know my legs are nice to lie on...but no..this is not appropriate...pple from outside that come in to see that scene would be thinking that wo men zai tou qin...did i hanyupinyin that well?...just meaning having lovey dovey stuff physically somewhere where nobody is...
so i was like telling her "u can use my bag u know...u cant expect me to sit here while u sleep on it right?...i'm a living thing and u making me sit here for u to sleep?..i wanna play bball"...it was a direct hint that i didnt like her doing that...so she got up and said "oh okay"...knew she got the hint lar...but i'm glad she did even though i know it was a hard first step to take for a girl...esp when she actually likes me(elaborate more on that later)...
then she started saying "okay...i'll get straight to the point..i like u"...i was like "oh okay"...
backtrack..i was playing bball when she asked my age...i did the trick of "huh?...i didnt hear u"...to act blur lar...i replied her "17 this year"..how abt u?...then she said "why do u wanna know?"...obviously wanting me to say that "cos i wanna see whether i can date u"...but i did a smart answer without thinking too long to show that i TRULY just wanted to know her age for fun..cos i dun wan to date her or anything...race does matter to me in relationships...not malays..but indians..ya,it matters...
i answered "cos i'm guessing that u are 18 or 19...so i wanna confirm my guessing"...i'm glad she later said "okay thats reasonable"...then i asked her also "then why did u ask abt mine?"...then she replied softly "i'm just disappointed that i cant date u out"...i went with the trick of "huh?..i cant hear u"...esp when i'm bouncing the ball...so i got away with it..she didnt wan to repeat it...or else i'll be caught into a bad situation...and that convinced my predictions of her saying of "sit down beside me" as a way of getting to me....
she was like telling me after her confession that "so i guess we cant talk to each other anymore"...i knew she was getting to the part of the stupid definition of saying that "being rejected causes awkwardness between two parties and they wont be friends anymore"...thats so dumb...i guess she doesnt know that it doesnt apply with me...in fact,i'm even more closer to my ex gfs and try to let those that i rejected still feel as close to me as they want to be and not even have the feeling of sadness from rejection...
but i had a hard time showing that i dun like her...cos i dun wan to see her cry or feel hurt in front of me...cos usually i rejected girls not face to face..on the phone or maybe sms or msn or even email..so it was rather hard for me...cos she is straight forward while girls in singapore are more like those shy ones and expect guys to take the first move...
i found out that my thinking is more to the western society in which everyone is ur friend and girls can date guys out and take initiatives one...cos many i dun say all lar...girls in singapore and asians supposedly want guys to take the first move..and are rather shy abt confessing their feelings de...and while singaporeans would give the face like "do i know u?..u r a stranger lehz" when i talk to them anyhow...
she was like "i wanna date u out...u r so nice(this phrase was said ever since she started knowing me..but she did it with a touch to my hands or legs this time around)...sure very nice going out with u one"...i just kept quiet..i guess i rather not reply than reply with a yes or no answer to her...cos it would be more of a "no"...unless the yes is be cos i wanna go out with pple here..i wanna hang out more..i want to see the lifestyle here...i wanna have more friends...conclusion: i just wanted to go out with her,but as a friend...so this situation was not appropriate..its a date..and i'm not interested..so i cant accept it...
i told her something like "just get over the liking...i'm not a stayer...i still have to go back to singapore after 6 mths and after that...my destination is not confirmed yet...u know i'm pursuing drums right?"...i bluffed her that i dun hav anyone in my heart now...cos i didnt wan to hurt her...i know i have to be direct in rejecting..but anytime but that time facing her...i would just do anything...just anything to ensure that she doesnt get sad or cry in front of me...
esp when she is already so sensitive that everyone takes her like a weirdo...i really wish she didnt confess...cos now i had to let her get rid of her feelings for me b4 we could really "go out"...she said she wanted to go the movies with me...i just skipped that question...i even lied to her that "its not that i dun like u...but its just that i'm not interested in relationships now..." and made a whole story abt me scared of getting into relationships...which is true and not true..in the sense that i am afraid..but if i really love someone,i would just risk the chance of getting my heart hurt...esp when i trust that girl with it..even though usually the girl disappoints me lar...
she talked abt my views on sex and everything...i just didnt know...she just gave me the feeling that she wants it there loh...esp when there's no one around..i'm not being crazy or sensitive or anything...i'm really speaking just how i felt...i just told her "i'm a christian..i believe in sex only after marriage"...then once some pple came in and see there wasnt a bball..i faster said "u want a ball?...mine's over there..."...then when she got too much into love and stuff...i kept staring at the pple playing bball...she got my hint that i wanted to play and not stay there with her...so of course i said "ok" when she asked me to join them...i had to like hang in there for like 30 mins b4 she finally left the gym...i mean hang in with all the one on one matches...cos usually i just play one or two and then rest le...but this time i had to last up to four matches...cos i'm not a shooter...so layups,i've to sprit and still have to jump and do styles...its tiring for me...thats y Rocco always say me weak...but he's a shooter manz...he can just keep on shooting on the spot...
she also bought a drink for me...dun misunderstand that i was trying to brush her off me...but its just that i want her to just go,think abt it,get rid of me as fast as possible..then we can be friends tomorrow le...or else it will give me a hard time....i guess its just a crush,infatuation,puppy love...cos she gave me her reasons of "u r nice"...and its quite obvious cos she thinks i'm gd looking..so of course she will like me..cos many pple ignore and totally dislike her in sch...
when i left the gym...Catherine was outside...so i asked her "why do pple dislike her?"...she said "cos she is weird"..then i said "why do they think so?...cos she's different"...then she said "maybe"...then she also added "guys are afraid of her cos she flirts alot too"....i asked again "cos she's different and she talks to alot of guys right?"...she nodded...then i said "its just cos she is sociable,i find her nice...and i'm not willing to accept that i cant be friends with her..i can handle..dun worry..."...she made her point..and i understood..i guess i'm learning quite well with philosophy which makes u derive to answers and interpretations very easily...
of course i know how she feels...maybe i dunno how she feels directly abt how pple find her weird..but i find it so racist loh...haiz...its just me to treat her nice...i treat everyone nice..even enemies...at least i try my best to lar...but her answer of "cos u r nice" is not satisfactory to what i think of love...most girls like me for that reason...but its not a strong enough reason to say they truly like me..so i label it as infatuation...easily crush...easily forgotten and got rid of...so i guess it wont hurt her too badly...at least i didnt show that there was any chance in us having a relationship..i usually do mistakes by doing that..and hurt the girls in rejection even more...but i guess i've rejected more than enough to know how to do it properly..
again i emphasize that i'm not boasting abt how many suitors i have..i'm just speaking facts and how i feel..and this is what the blog is abt..what i truly feel...i dun think u all would want me to write artificial stuff that i dun mean or stuff...its like a diary,just that i have to have a few secrets for my own private life,cos not only MR. blog here is reading it...
and abt her flirting defined as "talking alot to guys"...its not true...its just cos she is sociable and like me,she relates to guys more..and has more guy friends than girl friends...thats how i am too...glad to have found someone that has the same problems like me...how can pple define flirting as "talking to alot of guys"...why cant one be sociable..and why cant one like having more friends of the opposite sex?..not everyone can do that ok?...its not cos i cant relate to guys as much...but its just my nature...not meaning i have more girl hormones...but i dunno how to explain it lar...those that are the same with me,will understand...while those that arent..wont and will define it as being a flirt...so i totally understand how she feels abt pple doing this to her...
i still stick around with guys..but not those cool and beng type lar...more of those that are gd natured and treat me like their little brother...cos i'm more childish in a way..hehez...but still matured in thinking hor..dun let the looks deceive u...i may look innocent..lol
just wanna make a stand that if u see pple in sch that are the minority...dun forget abt their existence..just being one of them that are their close friends is more than enough to make them feel important...dun just stick with the chinese...i mean for the majority of u...the malays are human too..dun make them feel like outcasts....and dun describe a person that relates to the opp. sex better and talks more to the opp. sex and have more opp. sex friends as a "flirt"'....the definition of flirt is getting on very gd conditions with girls in the sense of passing the personal space...yes...thats one of them but its more like two-timing and liking from girl to girl very fastly and having multiple girlfriends in a short period...
i dun feel nice when pple define me as flirts with the rest of my grp in sch...cos most of the guys are definitely flirts in the sense that they like many girls at one time and stuff...but some of them are just like me,we relate to girls better...so we get more girl friends...we cant help that...if u force us to just stick to guys,its just like going against our human nature and our personality...
so i guess...this is a very long blog le..i wont elaborate more abt this stuff...pen off...bye;)
yellowcard
Monday, January 24, 2005
1/24/2005 04:27:00 AM
hey b4 i start blogging...i wanna complain,i actually write one very very long one le...supposed to do stuff now de...then i lost everything..have to write all over again..i am so pek chek loh..haiz...:(..and i really mean long loh...cos it was like 3 days summarised loh..
anyways,this is a suggestion...if u guys and gals out there have stuff to ask abt how am i doing here and even questions that u have always been curious abt me,just ask them on the shoutbox k?...the box u see on the left of this page...and pls dun write questions that are in general like "relationships"...specify what u want me to elaborate on..or else u will regret,cos i can go on and on abt something in general de...
this is just a suggestion,if u all dun have anything to ask also its okay...me just thought that everytime i blog,talk abt myself is fine,its fun for me to express my day in a reflection here...but i thought maybe if the topic interests u all...even better loh...i will write the question to be answered in the starting of the entry...so if interested,then just read loh....or else just skip to the part where i'll talk abt my day...i'll entitle them and label them for convenience...;)
k...back to my entry:
hey everyone,its been like three days including today since i've blogged...remember,my blog's time is singapore timing...so if u wanna know when i blogged the entry,then count 13 hours back...i've been rather busy..not with schwork or anything..but just with the schedules i have loh...so been too tired and no time to come online to do stuff like this...but i'll summarise the three days in one entry...so bear with me k?...this is the second time i'm writing this thing...so if i cant waste 2 hours sitting here typing one thing over and over...i hope u guys will read it...i might not elaborate as much as i did just now..but i'll try to cover as much as i remember i wrote just now lar...
lets start with friday...friday was a day that something rather bad happened...but such situations is nothing much to me de lar...so i dun feel like its anything new or am very troubled by it...
its like as usual,i stayed back on friday to play bball....i saw korean pple playing soccer on the other half of the court...then guoyi(my algebra friend and also my closest friend other than Rocco and the singaporeans) was like telling me abt them playing very aggressively and very serious in wanting to win when they play de...so thats the reason he usually doesnt play with them soccer...
i just told him "aiya,i just scared they lose until very miserably only and i've met more rough pple than pple like this loh"....i shouldnt be playing indoor or street soccer cos i'm a field player..i play defensive midfield...the one that clears balls off the attacks of the opposition and crosses for the attackers of my team to score...so i dun kick lightly one...
i remember the last time i played street soccer...was with norman and gang in church english retreat....i hurt abt three of them in 15 mins of play...not by physical,but my kicks lar...so i stopped playing after awhile...but i forgot abt that issue totally this time...
i just told guoyi "if u are not going,i'm going to go and play le"...then he hesitated b4 saying "wait..if u are going to get into trouble..i'll get into it with u"...i was like "the only trouble i might get into is that they are going to lose very badly"...and indeed,thats the main thing that got me into trouble...
i scored like abt 6 goals...the score was like 6-2...then the korean guys on the other team were like "mark this guy mark this guy!"....they dunno english much..but at least they know how to say these kind of stuff..lol...
JAz was in my team..she was the tough girl goalkeeper..lol...i scolded her for playing with guys..then she headlocked me...but i just countered her and turned her around and headlock her instead..she was shocked...she said no one countered her b4 yet...little did she know i learn thai boxing de...lol...
guoyi knows i learn thai boxing cos i countered his punch once and he was totall shocked...but i'm not into the "sport" officially or any association lar...cos the competitions when u lose,u either get severely injured or u might even die if they are not careful with their K.O. hit...so i just learning from someone that used to be a head gangster when he was young and learnt thai boxing b4 from an international boxer....dun ask me who,i am not suppose to say...
there was this guy that i tackled quite a few times...he is like beckham to the rest of the players...but i'm like that de...the better he is....the more i wanna tackle..i remember in pri sch they also were like "u tackled him? u know who he is anot?"...but i am like "who cares?...i just care that i got the ball"....
he was angry the dunno how many time i tackled him..but i didnt realised it...so i snatch his ball and then shot a goal...he ran and charged at me..he is tall,looks tough but he is weak lar...he charged at me..i didnt feel any hurt or anything but i just gave him a strong stare,didnt realise his anger at me...then he said "u watch out manz!"...i replied "watch out for?? u?? haha"....then smiled to myself and looked away...
wanted to continue playing when suddenly he pushed me...a few times was okay i tolerated abt 5 pushes then i pushed him back..he almost lost balance...lol...then he pushed me again...that was the time i almost attacked him when guoyi was just in time to separate us...then he pushed guoyi away...i was already angry and he still pushed my friend...i went to him almost hit him again..then the rest of the footballers all stop us le...
he was pulled out of the gym while many came to calm me down...i'm glad i had many friends at that point...or else everyone would be against me...but i guess many pple hate his temper too....so they were like "he is like that one lar..dun care abt him"...i took quite awhile to calm down...and i thank God that i didnt hit him...or else he would have "won" cos he made me hit him..and usually the one that starts the fight will have worse punishment ma...
b4 he was going out..he shouted at me "u watch out manz!" again...i just replied "just shut up will u?..do u think i even give a damn abt what u are saying?"...when i was leaving the sch later...the song "shut up by simple plan" made a very similar meaning to what i just said...i guess its true,what music u hear,affects ur attitude...i'm hearing alot of punk rock recently...so thats y...but i choose those without vulgarities lar...or else i'll be using them in no time too..
guoyi knew i was very angry at that moment..and that anger was burning in me...so he said "when u leaving the gym,tell me...i will walk u out to the streets...i wanna make sure u dun do anything rash"...
i wonder what will happen when i see that Korean freak again..lol...just got to remind myself i can do anything to make him beat me...but i cant beat him unless its self defense...
i came home,told my bro abt it...and i was like shocked at his stand of self defence, "i didnt ask u to learn self defence ma...even if someone is holding a knife in front of u..maybe its God's will that u die then?..u dun have to defend urself....can u imagine Jesus beating someone up?"...but i answered back "i believe God would want me to defend myself and its not true that u have defend urself"...no where in the bible states that...or else why do pastors' sons also learn self defence?..crap manz..but i convinced my bro abt it later...just that he is the very soft and non-violent type...so he just cant accept that i am more "human",get into fights and stuff de...he is more of the type that goes "u can beat me,my reward is in heaven"...=X
okay...for friday...i did running in the sch campus..lol...cos guoyi walked pass me in recess trying to hit me...i took notice of that..then i walked into class later with an innocent look then went behind him and punched him in the back then he ran towards me...then i ran loh....about like 4 rounds around the sch corridor b4 he finally touched me....cos i braked a little to say something to anger him more..lol
he was like panting like a dog after that...while i felt nothing...then he said "u not tired meh?"..of course not for someone like me that played catching in new town pri sch,sweeper(run all positions) for soccer in admiralty pri sch...and basketballer small forward now...little did he know that i was only jogging...i just replied him " no lar...very tired..."...lol
philosophy class,teacher didnt come...so we were asked to do research in the library..the library was a very lousy one that no one goes to de...so we walked around in it for 30 secs b4 i told the whole class,abt 15 pple only lar "what are we doing here manz?...lets go gym and play bball and badminton lar"...so we ran away from class and go play..lol...so we had gym for "philosophy education"..i mean "PE"...hehe
i had fellowship in the night...we were watching a movie...it was movie night for us that friday...we watched a very lame and funny show called "napoleon dynamite"...i played guitar for singsperation and then we hanged out at the house until 12am b4 leaving...as usual,had a hard time talking to them...cos they again talked abt their sch...this grp that always stays back after fellowship is like they all in the same sch de...while me different sch...so they talk abt pple from their sch as if i know...so i again had to switch the topics to let me be able to relate to too...
got to learn a few moves of karate from a guy in fellowship too...so cool...cos self defence is best when it has a mixture of a few techniques...like i wanna mix tkd,judo,karate and thai boxing together for self defence...i know tkd and karate learners here...while in singapore,got thai boxing and judo friends to learn from..hehez
also taught Vivien(the 16 yr old girl that learnt drum very fast but advised her to learn her pri instrument guitar properly first) proper strumming...cos her chords knowledge is gd...but she cant strum properly...but she is potentially gd at learning lar...so it wasnt hard teaching her...since she is in the christian band next mth for church...might as well teach her some stuff that she may need for being a guitarist...or else i cant play drums..=X
during recess that day at sch...the singaporeans asked me to go out with them on saturday..hehez...they were going to go downtown for chinese restaurant lunch and then go outdoor iceskating on real ice and have Sashimi japanese buffet dinner...i knew it was going to be very costly....but i was intending to go..cos i feel more at ease with a grp that all singaporeans de...so it will be fun...
now i get to saturday....i woke up at 8:30 reached sch at 1000am to meet them...we went to take a bus to the train station then at the train station take a few stops to go to the chinese restaurant for lunch...my bro called me and then told me that our area here in missisauga(the district we stay in and where the sch is in) was having a blizzard snow storm...but heng the area that we were for lunch didnt have it..but was very very cold loh...he was like telling me "if u cant come home tonight,stay out until u can k?"...i just thought to myself "nayz...sure can go home de lar"...but later in the night...
we didnt go iceskating cos of the cold...we went shopping instead..they used so much money,i was kind of pressured when one of the guys used up to 400 dollars on the day itself...but i guess cos he is 21 yrs old and was in NS...sure got bank account and savings ma....
the guys are more of those that talk abt computers,news and general stuff...so sometimes they bore the girls out...Clara and Siqi...they are very nice girls..very friendly and very warm to talk to...it wasnt long b4 i took them like i've known them for mths...
the grp was nice...can talk singlish..talk abt singapore stuff and everything...i felt much at ease hanging out with them...and as i wasnt the oldest like i used to be in most fun grps in singapore..i didnt have any responsibility to lead the grp or anything...it was fun...and they all took care of me...i felt gd...guess i'll hang out with them more often next time...
Clara is borrowing alot of cds from...almost all the ones i brought from singapore and bought here de...cos she likes the same type of music as me..and i'm glad to have found another Michael learns to Rock fan....cos very hard to find pple that love them de..maybe cos not our generation de ba...its more like my bro and my sis generation de...but i'm glad my sis "introduced" them to me...or else i wouldnt even start buying tapes(back then) and get exposed to music and develop my love for it...
she also loves bball...said she going to watch one of the NBA matches that are coming here...but she said she want front seats...which are abt 90 dollars..i already have a drum course to pay for..i wonder whether my mum will allow me to go for this experience..i wanna go with her...i've always longed to watch an NBA live bball game....
the guys usually talk alot abt their knowledge of things de...so i feel quite inferior to them when they tell me all the knowledge they know..i find the girls Siqi and Clara more "human"...more easy to relate to..maybe cos the guys are all smart chaps from top schs...
the girls were like teaching me how to look at girls...and i still thought only guys will make me ogle at girls and stuff...cos we three arent pple that like reading books ma...so the guys were in the bookshop reading while we three just stayed by the magazine stand and look at the pictures of hollywood stars and gossip abt them..=X
the magazines here are so much variety loh...i stopped after awhile ad then went to the sports section and read bball magazines...then clara also was interested...so we looked thru them together loh...but we just look at pictures only...cos we are not ones into such reading abt NBA stuff de lar...
overall,the grp is fun..but so sad that i only can hang out with them for these six mths i'm here...but even if i'm not going back for NS...we also have to separate ways de...cos some going to university in US while some staying in Canada...but i got the girls' msn address...so hope to keep in contact with them...maybe even meet when we go back to singapore in the end of june for holidays...
i used abt like 70 dollars yesterday..i ended up broke loh...heng i got the weekly bus pass...so could still survive...hehe...
the snow was bad later..the wind was so cold after we ate japanese buffet...the wind was like so cold..i know many of u would love to see snow but let me tell u something..dun blame me but i have to say "Winter sux!!"....its so cold loh..that we had to cuddle together while waiting for the bus to come to stay warm....but it was very nice...without each other,i guess it would have been very easy to have got frostbite...
we were deciding whether come to my house for the night or go back to sch....but bronte college is nearer...so i went back and stayed with them too....didnt go home....cos too cold...and tired lar..dun wan to travel so much...
had to sneak pass the front desk while they distract the person there...cos i dun live there,its illegal...then in the morning today is like i had to bluff the front desk that my student card is spoilt and one of the teachers are seeing to it...so cant give the front desk...to leave the sch..
we watched white chicks on saturday night and got "lamely" bored of the show...so we switched to watching episodes of simple life and slept at 4am...
i slept in Mark's room...actually cos Clara's room is double bed... can sleep in her room..but cant possibly sleep with a girl ma...and the rules are that guys cant be on the floors of the girls'...so Siqi's suggestion of her going to Clara's room to sleep while i sleep in her room was very risky..so i didnt want to take it...imagine coming out then the girls of other room saw me...would be so shocked loh...unless i think the crazy thing of wearing a pink jacket and put the hood over my head and walk around..but again,what if they see my facE?...-_-"
i forgot tell u all...CDs here are cheaper in HMV for those bands like "simple plan" and "Sum 41" that originated from Canada...so i just bought a "Sum 41" Cd....thinking of getting the latest "matchbox twenty" CD too..but it was like 26 dollars..maybe i wont buy that at HMV....i will buy it at another shop ba...
today went to church,Mark went with me...i'm glad that i offered help to these friend of mine that has been searching for a church in Canada for so long le...i'm happy in the church here too...adapting well to everything,so fun le...dun wan go back singapore liao..=X...i'm just kidding...
just that now in the church,i feel its like my own le...so i have a belonging there..i take initiatives to talk to pple first now...
there are two worship teams...youth fellowship serving de...so its like maybe i'll play drums for one of them that has a guitarist and pianist..the one i'm officially "recruited" in lar...while the other team maybe i'll be fair and play guitar for them..or else it will be like the singers on the other team will feel like its so boring..that their grp is so inferior,so little pple serving...then me bias...so i'll serve for both loh...even better..i love serving in church...i know i'm still a student and young but i wanna serve as much as possible within my ability for God...He deserves it...
then now i'm back home after church..so tired,wrote this blog entry second time...its like 2 hours typing...so sianz loh...k lar...anything,"shout" to me or in a more civilised manner,email k?...hahaz...crap...-_-"
pen off...take care Singapore..dun forget me..i belong to u...=P
yellowcard
Friday, January 21, 2005
1/21/2005 08:10:00 AM
yesterday slept quite late...after gym,i decided not to study for philosophy test then just watch the "hellboy" show which is quite nice then went to sleep at 12am...but couldnt wake at 4am to study..so i woke at 5 instead..hehez...studied for the test and then wanted to go back to study but thought call marcus loh...but i was so tired,i dozed off in econs class quite a few times...but the teacher stupid one loh..dunno how to call me up de lehz...he just continue teaching..:( then i miss some parts of his teachings...
i did a bad thing in the morning today...went to the bus stop and then when the bus arrived...there was this auntie that went to the place to aboard the bus first...but i was hearing discman then didnt care abt my surroundings...saw the bus then went on,but little did i know i cut queue i just walked past that auntie onto the bus..she was saying something,but of course i cant hear lar...but end up the bus driver stopped me in my path into the bus and said something too...i was like "i cant hear u manz.." then faster take off my earphones...using the eye muffs so double "cannot hear"..lol...cos earphones then ear muff around them...
then he told me "u know its very rude to cut queue?"...then i said "oh...sorry lar"...then he said "tell sorry to her"...i said "sorry" to the auntie then she totally ignored me,didnt give me eye contact and just say nvm...i was so pek chek...not be cos she ignored me...but be cos there's only two person at the bus stop...and i actually let her go in first de...but she hesitated then i just walk lar...like that also must complain..idiot loh...nvm abt that matter...i didnt mean to do that anyways ma
but i did another gd thing to "repay" my "bad" deed when i was on the bus to square1 to meet my bro after sch...then there was this guy maybe in his twenties that asked me whether i had an extra bus ticket..i use weekly card de...so just flash and walk pass the driver de..and use as many times as i want to...then i said no....then he was like very disappointed then said "oh thats okay"...but i wasnt okay with not trying my best to help him..i took out my wallet and searched to see whether maybe i got one..but ended up really dun hav..then i just approach him and ask him "u got change anot?"...then he said no...so i gave him two bucks for the fare...i felt so nice...cos i did something gd..hehez...
esp when i know how it feels to be at a bus stop,want to take bus and end up no money or ezlink(in spore lar)...then last time in yf camp...treasure hunt,we took bus cos we walked wrongly,took a wrong turn...and walked very very far off...so want to faster take bus and get back on track..but forgot to bring wallets...then there was this couple that passed us abt 4 dollars for 9 of us to take bus...they were so nice loh..but i dunno why they walk off after giving us loh...cos they were actually waiting for bus de...maybe they broke after giving us...but they were very nice lar...
talking abt the buses here..its like if u dun get weekly cards hor...then u use tickets...the first bus u board..u give the bus uncle ur ticket,then he will give u a transfer ticket in case u might take a few more after this bus...the transfer ticket will last 2 hours...so in that period,u can take as many buses as u want..but usually pple take 2 only lar...unless u going to ur destination for awhile only,then the transfer ticket is useful lar...
i had the philosophy test today then it was rather easy...but i kind of got one of the MCQ wrong... misunderstood the question...its 5 MCQ,a definition question and a free response question..the tests are so fun loh...i like them manz...not even stress to me...esp the free response question...
for philosophy,the definition and free response question is open book...but wait,b4 u go "wa...so gd"....but the definition question hor...like today they ask "whats ur definition of philosophy...define in ur own words"...u have ur notes and everything,but they dun give u an alternative definition of the word philosophy...so u have to make up ur own..so ur notes and open book is not useful de...only for the free response...today they asked for comments abt a philosophy and how u feel abt him...its really easy,there's no right or wrong...but i guess its abt the quality of analysing the character and commenting an interpretation of what u can derive from the things he say....its mainly lit essay style...as usual...i wrote 4 pages long...standard lar....i like essays more than compos...cos they dun hav limits...my compo is bad cos once i build up my compo,there is a limit to the words then i have to put an immediate end to the story...which is not what i planned to do loh...and i cant do planning de...i'm too used to just pick up my pen,think abt a story to write then write while thinking abt what am i going to talk abt..just like now,me start typing crap usually then branch out...i never plan what events i'm going to talk abt de..just see how nature takes this blog entry loh...thats why some are very out of topic sometimes,its just what i truly want to say..
my blog has no lies,not much secrets(unless its a guy thing lar..haha)...and totally abt me(whether u think its boring or lame...thats just me..:P)
the tests here are just fun lar..i love MCQs...esp when they dun even put their answers just slightly different or tricky like singapore...the answer is obvious one loh..thats if u listen in class lar...or else,u guess also cannot..hehe...
and whats more?..free response questions...so fun loh...the normal classes arent like this..of course u need intelligence to battle with those that can write well lar...but AP course supposed to be harder....so far,all the tests are reasonably easy loh...philosophy i cant determine whether i did well lar...cos like literature..its a subject u cant tell whether u did well de...u may think its easy..but if u did a little "out of topic" writing...then u are gone manz...but thats what i like abt them both lar..just can talk abt how u really feel abt everything...cos no opinion is wrong..just whether alot of marks,or less marks only...hehez...doesnt mean u crap can le..but ur crap must have substance too loh...
today in maths class...teacher was teaching abt something that we understood...again...he always emphasize on things we already know..but those we dunno,he just rush thru them and expect us to digest them...-_-"....today he asked a question "u know what is a bisector?"...everybody say "yes!"...then he was like....let me tell u how the word comes abt...(as if we dunno!)...he said "name me another word with "bi" in it)...everybody was snatching my ideas..i said bicycle,bilateral,etc...but they shouted it out for me...so i came to a point that i told myself "the next idea i got,i'm going to say it out loud"..and i guess u guys can guess what it is....i said "Bisexual"..then he didnt want to explain the question...then said "bisexual?...i dunno what friends u have manz..." with a very sarcastic tone....idiot manz...everybody laugh...so i laugh also loh..hahaz...fun to be able to laugh ma..or else if i think of something that is funny and suddenly laugh in class...the hong kong boys around me including Rocco think me crazy de...
its true what Jaz says...even though if u dunno a language...the tone in which they say it,u can tell what they saying abt u de..
esp when they said my name...i sure notice de loh...cos i was answering a maths question teacher asked me..i didnt know,so i just tried with a stupid guess...then they were like saying something if i didnt interpret wrongly,"this Cliff ar,always say stupid things one"...if he was talking abt my jokes and stuff still okay...but the hong kong pple are just so arrogant with their maths loh...they always get what teachers say..then if i ask them "but how blah blah blah" then even Rocco will say "u still dun get it?"...in a very haolian tone loh...so what if their maths are gd?...some pple aare slower ma...cant they accept that fact?...
nigerian guys they also make fun,cos they dun understand alot of things de...then the china girls(same country somemore) dunno english de...but actually i found out that if u hear their "english" properly,they really making sense...but its just their tone of speaking english that sounds stupid loh...then the hong kong guys will go "wa...she came up with something lehz" in Cantonese...i understand abit..they thought i'm totally dumb abt it...
they are nice guys lar...just that their grp in the sch is the biggest...hong kong pple lar...so they feel very superior loh..but heng Rocco is very nice and gd natured boy...or else,now i'll still be an independent person in the sch....i know pple,but not really anyone to "stick" with lar...so his friends become mine,mine become his..so gd loh...hehez...
been cooking these few days....chicken stew two days ago...macaroni yesterday and today helped my bro with the vegetables frying...guess FNN is fun and esp when u are in a country indepently,u can choose what u wanna eat...rubbish or anything..hehez..junk food esp....just snack in the night while watching movie,so doing alot of gym and bball to sustain my body..hehez...or else become like...k lar,dun say names...thats so bad..hahaz
i still cant accept that Rocco is older than me...but i like him,he is quite young at heart too...so its gd...compared to RAymond(my buddy in church) that sometimes tries to act mature and be so "cool"...i'm glad i met someone like Rocco at sch..i made an effort to know him de...cos i knew he was my potential friend...nice style and stuff...
argued abt christianity with him yesterday at square1...while shopping lar...but i'm glad he is not one against my religion..i only argue with pple to take a stand on my religion...but since he ended up convincing me that "he respected my religion,just that he thinks otherwise abt religion and stuff"...cos he is half christian,half "believe-it-all"...cos he thinks that Christ is the Lord...but just that He turns up in different pple to different races...like buddha to chinese,etc...but it doesnt make sense lar...just tat i didnt want to argue with him abt it..just respect it loh...he doesnt like church cos he finds it a waste of time...guess he just hasnt settled down in an appropriate church...thats y...maybe if got chance,bring him to my church here...if he wants first lar...but pei yang gan qin first lar..lol
k lar..i pen off here..byez
yellowcard
Thursday, January 20, 2005
1/20/2005 08:27:00 AM
30th day in Canada le...hmm..let me calculate how many days i have altogether and how many i have to go..wait ar...11+28+31+30+31+30....okay..that adds up to 161 days more...thats mean i need to be here for 191 days...but 161 days more to go....wow,so many days more...but nayz,i hope time flies by much faster...ya..so its like 1/6 of my stay in Canada is gone...directly one mth gone lar....okay,enough of calculations...
erm..talking abt maths,the teacher gave me back my paper and he didnt change my mark,he said my hypothesis is right and he is proud that i made it without the skills he taught me to apply(he actually should know that i totally dun understand what he teaching,thats y i do it my own way)....but i'm glad i pass at least...cos 11/20 is not the score i expected when my friends all got lousier than me...except for one girl that got 16...but teacher was like saying that if i can pass this test shows i'm very gd le..cos maths usually pple dun expect proof teaching de...esp when u come from singapore...its a total different proof thingy than those type of "SAS,AAS,SSS,RHS or Angles sum of triangle"...its like u have to make ur own equation then describe in words for every step u do...not only equation but must explain the equation in words too..
aiya,it sounds easy when i say it lar...but its real hard...even Rocco that studied b4 in hong kong got only 3/20..when i thought his maths is better than me...maybe thats why that girl won my score,cos she comes from hong kong....i was very worried abt my marks,a just pass in a test is not okay for a score here...65% is just pass...but felt at ease when i approached the teacher and asked him abt my score and he said its a rather gd mark already...compared to the many that are gd at maths but still fail this topic...:) haha
and abt my economics test,i got third in class...so unsatisfied...i wanted to top the class as i felt the test was easy,how could i not have scored?...i got only 50/57...88% only...its gd if all my tests get this mark...but it was an easy test,i should have scored so that if i flung on other tests,its still ok..haiz...the girl behind me was top...she scored 57/57...indonesian girl but very chinese looks..i talked to her and the girl beside her..both also indonesian...found out that this girl studied 2 hours then i realised..lol...cos i only study 40 mins...but thats actually okay...but its also cos i miss quite a few classes and only have the textbook(no picture or anything de..all words on a blank white page:( )...so i had a hard time struggling on how to do well in the class...esp when out of 5 classes he taught..i only came for one...so he was shocked that i scored..hehez
the two indonesian girls were both chinese like...i thought they were korean manz...i asked their names and found out that they know about up to 9 languages..like different dialects in indonesia lar...maybe u think its cos dialect so its easy..but knowing different dialects is hard loh...esp when she doesnt only know a little of each..but knows how to speak them totally,all of them...they are gd manz..one know 5 languages..the other knows 9 languages...wait,i made another two more friends..hehez...aiming to get new friends everyday,no matter in class or pple just sitting next to me in canteen or just anywhere....
i was like telling them i know chinese and english..a little of malay,japanese,hokkien(not only bad words hor=X)...know how to hear cantonese,hainanese and a few other chinese dialects.....but everything i said of was like "know how to hear" or "know a little"....but dun even know how to speak them properly...so its like equivalent to only knowing two subjects...:(
my mum asked Rocco when she saw him last time to teach me cantonese but he haven taught me much but he told me its really abt being with those that know how to speak,then since i already know how to hear cos its almost the same as chinese then slowly will learn to speak too...but rarely i get to hear pple talk cantonese..at least not to me loh...in church also i go for the english youth fellowship...so those that know how to speak cantonese also dun speak it there de...but maybe can ask them to teach..hehe
tml got philosophy test...hmm...what am i planning to do now..just resting now after dinner..hehez..the way to get fat right?...but no manz,i'm going to gym later alone...since these pigs(my bro and benjamin) wanna go to sleep...as i said,they go to sleep when i'm at sch and when i'm sleeping,they will be sleeping...
then after gym,i will watch "hellboy" the dvd we rented yesterday...we will have one everyday cos we found another store of dvd rental near our house which is only $1.99 for one day of rental...so we keep on renting loh..esp when this store only has new shows,no old shows...so cool..hehez
then after watching,i go and sleep then wake in the morning to study for phil test loh..hehez...
today it started snowing again...i got to see snow falling on my face again..so nice,but as usual,it hasnt started snowing permanently like for a few days...so the snow is still very fine,wanted to play snowfight with Rocco just now cos the singaporeans playing it in the night,so i cant play with them...
after sch,played bball for an hour or so then left with Rocco to square1...stupid benjamin supposed to meet me there,but he still sleeping..call hp also never pick up....
so i went with Rocco since his condo is just beside the mall...he showed me around the mall and i got a few t shirts...wanted to buy punk t shirts...but all like against religion and quite stupid de...so i quit that idea...and was like asking Rocco to show me punk stuff here...went to see...then i realised like singapore got more..the stuff here is really punk in the sense that i can wear them here but i would be a total weirdo if i do it in singapore..lol...
i got a few t shirts from shops like DC,billabong,spitfire,blind,quiksilver...all branded de...but heng today got sale...so it only cost like 15 dollars a t shirt...i bought quite a few...cos i wasnt suppose to buy today de...but couldnt resist not using money...if u know me,i'm a spendthrift...i cant go out not using money de loh..no matter what,at least on food or candies...thats y i go play bball when i'm broke..=X and heed my mum's advice of being water along(as if me very guai for the first time..haha)...
but heard Rocco is quite a spendthrift too...he uses money like water like me de...but worst...heard he use abt 60 dollars alone on clothes every week de...to me, i think thats crazy for a guy to do when he is not working or anything loh...but i guess its reasonable as he is the only child...and to come to Canada when he is actually in hong kong...should be very rich le lar...money exchange so high,but still can afford and stay in a condo...
i just found out that he is 19 years old this year...thats crazy..i always took him as a buddy and thought he is my age...but me is 2 years younger...i feel so small now,i wish i didnt find out...then i will treat him as my equal...now i'll be like "aiya,cos he older ma" if he wins me in bball or work...and his girlfriend is my age...i dunno whether he takes the relationship with his gf seriously manz...last time he told me "aiya,she wants to meet me...so meet loh" when i asked him where he was going that day...then today he was like "u wan me to introduce u to her?" when i asked abt her age and found out that her gf is the same age as me...crazy manz...ya and he said of his relationship as "puppy love" manner to me...hmm..he has the looks,guess he might be a playboy..but since i'm just a friend for 6 mths,i dun really care abt that factor...cant do much also ma...as long as his character and personality nice can le...
ya,one more thing...one my way back from square1..i took the wrong bus...i took bus 9...its supposed to be 6...how i know manz...cos b4 i move to this condo,the bus is 9 to go back to my old house..i forgot ma..and 6 and 9 so alike...the wonder my mum always say me looking at the wrong timing of bus de...i always do this manz,when one bus is already there...i see it and just get on it...in singapore worst...sometimes in my house area,i take bus to mrt then i see the bus come then i just get on...there are two numbers of buses at that stop..in my rush,i never realise the bus no. until i am inside the bus loh...and mrt also like that,once i see like 2 mins for the mrt i am sitting,i'll rush and when i reach the platform,what mrt comes i just sit...forgetting that maybe the timing is the same for both...until i am inside the mrt...-_-"
i took the bus until the place where everyone got off...then the driver ask me to change bus for my destination..was so pek chek...i took 3 times more time to come home loh...actually only 30mins de...:( so sianz loh...
blur king is really blur king manz...next time cannot get engrossed in hearing my discman le...or else forget to concentrate abt other stuff i'm doing...
k lar,thats my day for today...;) didnt elaborate on everything lar..or else u all will kill me manz..hahaz...cos it will be very very very long..trust me :P
yellowcard
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
1/19/2005 07:00:00 AM
hmm...today was a...erm..cold,fun,interactive but somewhat normal day....hehe...abt the cold its still like 18 degrees below zero...but the wind was bad in the morning...my ears were not covered...cos i didnt wan to mess up my hair with the hat...so just kept on holding on to my ears with my gloves..hehe...or else i would get frostbite manz...my ears were like so cold....it almost turn ice manz...solid lehz..then quite pain...heng never get frostbite..or my ears cannot move next time le...
guess i gotta go to squareone after sch to get my ear muffs tml...have to tolerate one more day of cold to my ears...anyways,i'm going there to get what i engraved too and also just go there loh...so used to malls in singapore,cant help but must go every week..hehez...
today i woke up at 4am and then studied my economics...cos yesterday bball play too long and very tired...so slept early...couldnt eve concentrate well....so got up early to study instead...cos today got test..the test was reasonably easy...i was like the first to finish...lol...so i had sometime earlier b4 my next class...didnt know what to do...very sianz...so went to take my ball to play at the indoor bbal court...then later Rocco joined me...and trashed two more pple in a 2 on 2 match...
today played with him "American" again...played two rounds...last time lost him rather badly..but today was improvement..i lost him only by one ball...i guess i have to have confidence in my bball skills...or else i cant perform in matches by keep on telling myself that i'm lousier than them...today i tried the concept of "i'm one of the best" and surprisingly..i impress quite alot of pple with my skills..hehez...
during recess,i sat with the singaporeans again...tell u guys something,next time someone ignores u when u socialise with them..dun go and "woo" their attention,just heck care abt them....i did that..and remember the guy i talked abt that turns his back on me when i talk to him?...he had no choice but to talk to me...he doesnt have as much friends as i have..i doubt he even has anyone other than the singaporeans...i was in their "singaporean" grp at the start...but the girls were shy then the guys except Marc looked down on me...cos i told u they all from Raffles institute,ACS,etc...
then now they asked me to join them for recess...but was supposed to sit with others de...but since they offered..i went over...then the girls were like attention all given to me...guess they are tired of these nerds,bookworms and proud guys...they dun even hav a sense of humour...the girls are actually quite nice..from St Nick girls' sch de...
while leaving the sch just now,the girls kind of shouted my name..i was like shock,cos i didnt know a grp of pple will shout my name de loh..esp in a sch i've only been in less than two weeks...then i looked around...they were actually on the second floor,i gave the very blur look,then they all laugh and say "bye"...what could i say man...i just said byez loh....Rocco was like "singaporean girls huh?"..lol
Jaz as usual was using pickup lines to talk to others...me and Rocco walked past her..i said hi and talked to her awhile then Rocco wore his ear muffs he bought yesterday..they were cute...so Jaz straight away went "hey,those are cute"..but Rocco kind of ignored her...maybe he's not so open just to talk to any stranger...hong kong pple ma..Asians usually are more conservative and dao..if u get what i mean...u dun see many pple in singapore going around and just talking to pple they see in maybe an MRt or something?...i do that...when i want to lar..but hard to do so in singapore cos pple give me the "i dunno u,so i'm not talking to u" look...
like my mindset of "everybody is my friend"..hehez..not meaning i'm not Asian lar...but i'm just crazy de lar...feel very the same like JAz...talk to pple and sometimes pple will just ignore me...cos not everyone is open to chats from just any stranger in Singapore..so always get scolded by my friends that me anyhow talk to pple...but whats wrong manz...not like me offended them ma...its their problem that they are not sociable enough...
hahaz..i also got to know more Chinese girls in my class..and when i say Chinese..i really mean CHINESE...from China de...not even hong kong...its totally those type that still learning english de...their cute...i like their chinese slang..so sometimes i have to imitate to make them understand me...lol...cos they always come to me if they dun understand the class and what the teacher is saying in English...cos they know my english is gd and my chinese also gd..and in maths class i score quite gd also...
yay...my class test was out today...my marks arent desirable...i got 11/20...but i gave it back to the teacher cos he marked my hypothesis wrong when it was just not one of the answers he has...he didnt even test it to see whether it works...it totally does manz...i dun hav to do it his way ma...he doesnt even teach me how to do it his way...so its hard learning from someone that tells u "about numbers" when u ask him what the class test is specifically abt...never seen such a teacher loh..i dun like learning from him..he sucks manz...but since i want my marks,i will just have to listen in his class...plus hard work when i come home...correct,got homework to hand up tml...
my philosophy test is on thursday..not tml...so i can totally do my maths homework today then tml concentrate on the test preparation that most likely i'm do it in the same style...wake up early in the morning and study..hehez....but sometimes its bad when it ends up that i doze off in class....when u wake too early..its like that de...esp in winter,just feel like sleeping in bed...feel like hibernating..and whats more?..when u wake,ur bro and benjamin is still playing computer games..u leave,they go back and sleep...sometimes they are still sleeping so soundly when i leave..its so tempting to just jump back into bed and do the same...haiz...why is my schedule fix one..i wish i had night classes or someting...and a schedule that is different everyday...i know its the same time like singapore to wake at 6am(but usually i wake at 7 and reach sch at 715 lar..sometimes sprit to sch..i mean spore) but like i said,the situation is different...:(
my knuckles are alright le..i think i'll go back to training tonight..i believe i have alot of time to finish my maths homework..no problem de...now still have to cook for them...cos my bro has night classes...my turn to cook le...cooking chicken stew and fish..die manz..how am i going to do it..i know i did them for FNN b4..but without the recipe and procedures..i dun remember what the ingredients are...
my mum just called to ask whether i know how to do it...i just dun like to talk to her over the phone..so i just said "its okay,i know i know"....but now i regret...and she calls everyday..i dun see how my bro can stand her manz...maybe the process is that my bro calls her every now and then..but she worries too much abt me,so keeps on calling me...just now play bball then always have to hear her nag...its so sianz loh...was telling her that i hope she just call once a week can le..i wont die if she doesnt call me for one day loh...and even if i do,the hospital will call back to spore de loh..-_-"
i miss everyone in singapore,as i predicted..its harder for me to miss everyone in singapore than everyone in spore miss me...esp when pple take it as if i'm dead le..sometimes lar...cos its like 6 mths..i wonder how many will still remember me when i come back...as i said,i predict pple will just say "oh,Cliff's back" then continue with their lives like nothing happen...yeah,true lar,i'm just a small person in a big world ya?...but i've always wanted to make a difference in everyone's lives...everyone that i come across being even just casual friends with...thats y i love the song "making a difference" cos if u just live like the rest and aint no different from them,how can u be a unique individual with a unique personality?..
k lar..i pen off here,during weekdays i wont type so much de...just keep u guys informed abt my events and stuff if u all interested,if not,just come in weekends..i believe i will say more stuff then....cos quite tired after sch too...esp when u play bball in three layers of shirt,two layers of pants...the problem with that is if i take out more of my clothing and play,i'll be freezing..while if i dun,i'll be sweating inside...heard of cold "sweat"?..the feeling sucks...esp when it dries up and u dun even feel dirty...but ur body is collecting the sweat...and if some pple are lazy,they will just take it as they are still clean when it dries up....
correct,i said pen off ya?...anything to ask,feel free to write in the shoutboxes,flood them as much as u want,but with sensible stuff hor..not rubbish...hehez...and if even better,email me directly...i feel "cared for" everytime someone does that...or even better..call..lol...k lar,i'm just kidding...dun waste ur time manz...;)
yellowcard
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
1/18/2005 07:53:00 AM
hey everyone,i like it manz..its the 28th day le..zhun zhun one mth..lol...five more months to go..aiya,no kick lar...prepare for the day Cliff comes back and bother u all again..lol...gd for those that miss me...while bad for those that dread seeing me..muahaha...:P
today's weather is so damn cold loh...i didnt know what the temperature was..but i knew it was very very cold compared to other days in the morning...i was like shivering while waiting for buses..and if u dunno,the buses here come only one in 20-30 mins...so if i sway and miss the bus(haven done so yet lar)...then i'll be freezing while waiting for the bus...there's a cubicle for u to stay in lar...keeps out the wind..but the air inside is still cold...
then when i reached home and talked to someone in the lift...he was like telling me that the weather today was very cold and that in the night it will be -35*....crazy right? thats like in winnipeg...but for winnipeg(another part of Canada)...thats the average temp everyday...lol...so thats y i get scolded by my bro and benjamin for complaining that its cold here in toronto...cos they undergoed worst in winnipeg last time..lol
i was late for sch today...my bro "off-ed" my alarm clock...and tried to call me..but since he slept much much later than me...i slept at 2am lar...and the alarm went off at 6:30...he didnt make much effort to wake me up lar...i didnt even feel him calling me up..only 8:30am..then i woke up....thought abt the lessons,heng only miss economics..cos that one i still can learn at home...but philosophy if i miss,which is like literature...i need guidance de...esp got test on wed....then economics got test tml...
i took a long shower b4 leaving..cos i could reach sch at 10am...so i left at 9:30..hehez...cos i dun wan to seem late for sch...it will be a bad impression to teachers...but i heard from Rocco that 1% performance mark will be affected at the end of my two semesters...shit manz...but 1% cant do much de lar...not like in spore...but i just hope the teacher is lenient enough to just dun care and let me off...better still,never even take my attendance..cos me new student ma...haha...but i got homework to hand up...cham liao...i think i hand up first thing tml morning...
need to do some studying later...got econs test tml..and philosophy test on wed...heard they are going to do it the AP style for the first time...which is like 40 MCQ...then a free response question with open book at the end...lol...i wish i could do like essays..i prefer those...i like to write...:( but since MCQ...even better...as long as its not science...MCQ no kick lar...
played bball after sch with Rocco...its like the pple there know me for being a gd bball player le...thats great manz...but they know i'm not a shooter lar..obviously lar....i played a bball game called "America"(dunno whether its spelled that way,but thats what i heard lar) with Rocco...he said he played with nine other pples in sch...he said he was the winner..of course lar,cos his shooting skills is like one of the top in the sch...thats what i heard from others lar....but haha,he almost lost me in a match of "America"...but cos he did an alley,my points went back to zero..but overall,if u dun see it in the "win-lose" situation..i got in 14 balls and he only got in 11...hehez...cos i was supposedly going to win le...then he did an alley..sianz lehz...was so happy that me going to win...he is definitely impressed by me ever since he started playing bball with me lar...
cos everytime his friends come into the court,i'll do a layup and they will all go "wa.."..with their mouths open..lol...but they judge the skills by shooting de...so they recognise him more..esp when he's been in the sch like 1 and a half year!...the only game i can win him is horse...cos he cant follow my layups de..and his shots are not 100% go in de...the rest of the games all to do with shots...his 90% rate of going in from anywhere in the half court border sure win me de....
anyways,enough of bball...after that me,Rocco and Mervin(another student from philosophy class) went outside of sch together..i went home while they went to squareone to get stuff..i got a test tml..so i didnt want to go..also be cos its very far away from my house...Rocco lives in the condo right next to squareone..of course he wan to go lar...and i dun wan to get myself too tired...either bball or going out,i only wan to do one...
i'm confused abt something...i have more guy friends here than gal friends...of course i relate better to girls lar...but dunno y,i just got to know much more guys than girls here...thats different in singapore,in singapore i know two or three times more girls than guys...i'm beginning to feel gay,maybe i'm just those type that used to hanging around with girls in the midst of the grp too...be cos everyday looking at guys..even today i started admiring how much chinese look Rocco has...and his punk hairstyle..
talking abt hair,i've had quite a few bad hair days here...including today..i cant help feeling my hair is dropping alot...i know its natural to drop hair..but my hair should be quite thick de...a few days ago it was...today it was so thin...i felt i couldnt do anything with it..
something's wrong with me..dunno y i forgot how to spike my hair le..i forgot its messy spike and dun need for any styling de..i went to style it cos i didnt when i leave my house in the morning...but it ended up in my center parting...yesterday also...my centre parting has come back...i dun wan it this way manz..its spiky while centre part in front,not supposed to be loh..and so thin,its not appropriate for my centre parting...its so hard to do up ur hair and when it gets too cold,u put the hat on and destroy the whole thing...very sianz one loh...then i never touch my hair...the cold will make my hair fluffy and to add one more thing,when i play bball my hair messes up and fluff even more...i looked like i perm my hair when i went to the toilet after playing bball...sux manz...it was like a furball loh...cant imagine the sight of it anymore...nvm abt that...
planning to get ear muffs...cos using a winter hat just to cover ur ears is quite stupid....okay,i'll get to studying now..rao le ni men for today...hehez....short entry..;) pen off...
yellowcard
Monday, January 17, 2005
1/17/2005 02:55:00 AM
its almost a month manz...27th day in Canada le...one down five more to go..hehez..no kick lar...just when i started enjoying my stay in Canada..things going to go fast..and in no time.."byebye Canada..helo Singapore"...but i guess i'll miss pple here too...wonder whether my dream of drums will be coming back to Toronto for pursuing..i hope so...the country is so nice..pple are nice,pple are friendly...but if they are trouble makers..they are really TROUBLEMAKERS...its like almost everyday in a public sch,there is a fight...but heng i'm on the side of Toronto that peace is better...pple are like telling me "the other side of this place..thats where trouble lurks and the bad side...missisauga is relatively peaceful"...i'm glad..:)
i guess yesterday was one of mood swings since quite a long time...it wasnt a mood swing of anger or sadness..but be cos of confusion...even b4 service today..i was reluctant to socialise with others..that happens when i'm moody...but after the service..i socialise like crazy....cos i found my answer to the question of "distinguishing between truth and deception"...not really an answer from God of my prayers...but sometimes answers dun come directly from God..they come from pple around u..and influences that give u thought that make u gd "aha..it was there all along"..or "aha...i get it now"....
just like today....i felt i wrote my nickname on msn without thinking much abt the meaning...even though i know its meaning..but it was right there..my answer was right there "I am the way,the truth and the light..we live by faith and not by sight for You" God said in the bible...He is the truth..the word is...by following Him,i'll know whats the truth...but i think thats not the confusion..but what the speaker said today was totally an answer to me..i prayed so much the past two days...couldnt sleep...thinking and thinking...i'm not one that is satisfied with "i'll follow the crowd..." or "maybe if i grow older i'll know"...i'm one that wants an answer or else i am not satisfied...
thats y i usually go to teachers after class and ask them abt it...or pastors abt their message....i dun like being caught in the middle in two answers and just dismiss it as too complicated...i dun like being left in suspense..my curiosity abt things are too strong..thats y ever since young i've been asking so many questions..pple get irritated...but i'm glad that pple in the bible and philosophers do that alot too...it shows me that its not so bad to ask questions....hehez..i learnt that in philosohpy class..
oh ya...i think i'll be choosing Jesus as my philosophy project philosopher..."man without violence,lover of peace,great thinker,has impressive thoughts,not a political person,not a military person"...i think He meets all the standards..hehez..but heard its a very big topic abt it..but heng only need to do brief research abt Him..or else its neverending..and so many philosophies that even pple now dun understand fully...
today after service.guess what...the youth were like recruiting me...they wanna form a christian band..so cool...maybe an informal one...but so what?..i've always wanted to just play christian music for fun..and just worship at the same time...i believe its better than practising drums with "world" music...thats y i always admire pple that can play in christian sec schs...so cool loh...or else like in my sch in Evergreen..pple will go like "u know this rock/metal band..u go and hear...then play for us on talentime/teacher's day can?"...if i really get to play in a christian band..i wont be willing to play for "world" music anymore manz..cos i only play "world" music cos i wanna practise my drum skills..but what for when christian music can be contemporary/rock and a new thing i heard "punk christian music"...lol..maybe new age?
i think it will be a few days more b4 i can play bball and train gym properly again..cos my knuckles are feeling much better le..or else the rate i'm eating..sure fat de loh...maybe some of u will say "fat gd ma..u so skinny"...but nayz,i rather stay skinny and fit...cos being fat and fit,its harder to cope...cos once u stop training physical for awhile..everything turns to fat..hehez...and flexibility,agility and speed is what i want...not toughness or animal strength...
and abt the drum courses...heard i've got alot of them...not only one that i sign up outside....but Fiona's sister is like telling me her sch got someone very skilled and professional that will be willing to teach me too..i'll see whether it can fit into my schedule..cos i want outside training mainly cos of theory understanding....and my sch...miss white..remember?..the one i said was cute de lar...definition is not adorable or pretty...but i dunno how to say it..i know what my definition of pretty is..but my definition of cute..hahaz...not able to describe it yet...ya..she is trying to get a professional trainer to come and teach in my sch too...so its like triple benefits..so cool...Thank God manz...but what if all also the same professional trainer...lol..kidding lar...
clearly, i'm back to the C|iFf i used to be...so dun worry...this blog wont have such pessimistic entries like yesterday again...i hope not...but i guess it helped alot just talking out all my thoughts here...its helping alot..or keeping them to myself is not gd...esp when i'm in Canada where no one to talk to abt everyday..or else in singapore..marcus will be the one suffering..hearing abt my day and everything...lol
i wonder whether there's homework yet to be done...cos i'm not used to writing down what homework i have..i better get into the habit soon...cos in spore,i dun do homework..unless i have to stay back to do if i dont...or if the teacher will give detention or something...but even if so,i'll copy...thats the truthh..=X
but since the hmwk here all also counted in ur final mark...i rather just be consistent..imagine ur homework also got marks de...of course u take it seriously lar...but also in spore,i wont care lar..but here,pressure of 9000++ dollars "wasted" on my studies is still on...so i cant possibly just doze off in class and dun do homework...
i miss playing bball in singapore...sweating like no one's business...with all my friends there..having cooperation..losing or winning together in team spirit..the feeling is so nice..pple here that play bball and are gd are so stubborn and in a sense arrogant..i tell them a strategy..they will be like "just play...dun need strategy one..can shoot then just shoot"...its so "one man team" loh..i dun like it...esp when pple play solo when u are open for passing...stupid loh...so what if they can shoot 10 balls and all go in..but bball is all abt teamwork..abt passing or shooting when the chance is the best and no other better choices are present...even the NBA training guide says that...
i'm so proud of myself for getting so far that pple know my name totally in church(when sometimes i dun even know their's)...then in sch..have friends that are more than someone that has been in the sch for six mths....i just cant believe i made it thru a mth here with so much fun and "adventures"(new experiences)....grown so much abt decision making and now i even feel that i've adapted to the lifestyle here..that in the beginning..thought i would never adapt to...and thought it would be very very hard to start anew here..in a foreign country..
i'm playing guitar for "movie night" on friday..i told u.. fellowship is one week activity,one week bible study...and i'm planning to volunteer to lead one of the activity with raymond in april...i wanna participate more in the church stuff..i wanna serve more...i wanna serve everywhere i go...i sound so childish right?...come here to study..then still planning out such a hard schedule..i'll regret doing so when i cant cope with my studies..but who cares?..thats just me...step by step...got obstacle,then battle along the way..if God can bring me to a obstacle,i believe He will bring me thru it ;)
k..i'll pen off here...or else it will be totally too long...its long enough already..take care singapore...u will always be in my prayers..:)
yellowcard
Sunday, January 16, 2005
1/16/2005 08:32:00 AM
hey everyone...today Cliff is not the Cliff that has a very gd mood to type...i dunno y but i feel that i'm kind of rather moody since yesterday...
i went to fellowship,then i kind of felt very left out when they were talking abt Canada stuff that i had no idea abt...i felt like an outcast...i never felt like that b4...in singapore,i'm always the crap machine ma...but now its like,pple dun appreciate crap here...esp lameness...maybe these pple just dunno what are lame jokes loh...and i cant go crazy when all these pple talk so seriously...they are my age,but they talk so maturely...either mature stuff or stuff like "cool,u know that guy in sch?"...everything i wouldnt know cos i'm not from a public sch..its a total different concept...
i had to totally change the topic...but i guess that was not the thing that entirely affected my mood...it was also cos many things happened in the day...my expectations of my performance in sch were not met...and i feel like i'm struggling...philosophy is okay...but algebra and economics...economics,i'm struggling cos i miss a few lessons but the teacher is nice...so its still alright...actually everything is fine other than algebra...i'm not bad at maths...but its a topic that sometimes i dun even think is "relateD" to maths in anyway..i didnt even expect such a topic..its "proof"...proving mathematical statements and hypothesis(a statement that u try to prove its wrong or correct) whether they are true or false...i understand how to go abt doing things...but explaining my equation in english and my methods in english..is something i never thought i needed for maths..i thought maths methods should be understood and briefly explained..but now they want full elaboration..i know i'm gd at elaboration..but not with maths stuff...
i'm feeling stressed...i wanna do well...i wanna be as gd as how my bro did it...or else my mum they all sure dun allow me to choose pursuing music as my career...cos i'm supposed to do well in studies,then can be matured and qualify to say the words "i want to pursue music in future"...they are not convinced that i'm matured enough to do so yet...
there's so many things..even playing bball,pple here are all shooters,i know i'm gd at layups and stuff...but sometimes its hard playing with pple that shoot and always go in...its so discouraging,my shots are like 10 go in 6..they all is like 10 go in 10...if there is a basketball team signup...i think i wouldnt go for it...i'm not for it...
i dunno y,but recently..my confidence,self esteem,self image,motivation all has reduced and totally i dunno what has happened to me....
i went into HMV at square1 just now...my bro and benjamin went there cos i wanted to pick up my engravement thingy which i did yesterday...i reached there then remembered that my collection date is three days more..i was like "what am i doing manz"...then later we went to HMV,as its something to do with music,i should be very interested in walking in it...but once i walked in,looked around...i just walked out...i felt something "hitting" me mentally...its like pressure..but i dunno how to define it...
i suddenly thought that i really wan music,but maybe like pple said,i'm not talented enough...this is the first time it occurred to me that i dun hav the confidence to battle that emotion with "if i dare to dream,i can do it de"...but no,this time i was like "maybe they r right...maybe i'm not gd enough..."..one more thing that hit me was "r u sure u wanna do music?...r u sure u r even a potential drummer?...or r u one that just labels urself as a drummer,but actually reality is very lousy de?"...its more like stuff that someone that wants to discourage me would say...its more like...it didnt come from the real me...
i dunno,i'm just so confused...i dunno what i'm gd at...i dun even know what i want now..i feel so lost...i feel like i'm gonna breakdown...
i know the truth..the truth is God..the truth is the Word of God...i know God has great plans for me...but what are my plans?...what am i going to do to know that i'm walking on the right path?...u say prayer...but i really dunno..i'm in a state of confusion...ever since the fellowship yesterday made us ponder abt what is the truth..i know its the bible..but i mean it in a different way...
like the news,how u know everything is true?...pple can say one thing and do another thing...the media is full of lies something...esp virtual reality...what is the truth?..who is saying the truth?..who is deceiving me?...science theories can be true for one day but the next day they tell u "we have a new discovery"..pple say one thing today and another thing tml...
science here....grade 10 will teach something then grade 12 will start off with the science teacher saying "take everything taught last year as a lie"...then pple will get so confused...cos science changes with the time...something relevant and proved today as right..can be proved as wrong tml...i dun see why pple can get satisfied with just basing their beliefs in science...how far can science get u?...one thing is for sure...u cant make something by ourselves...we only can discover,manipulate and copy stuff on earth..but we can never create something totally new out of nothing...why play God?
only the bible has been seen as definitely right all these years...its the truth...and pple believe it...or they wont debate abt whats the meaning of the sentences there....now i understand why u cant get too obsessed with the world...cos the world is always changing,if u follow the crowd,u will just keep on changing too..and as u see now,the world is turning evil and "open" abt vulgarity,porn,etc..do u want to change with it?..its ur choice...ur decision affects ur destiny..now i understand it in christian terms..ur decision of who to follow is ur decision..the world or God...
the bible states "i'm the way,the truth and the life,whoever follows me will find the truth"...but buddha says "follow me and together we will find the truth"....the world says "follow me and u will continue to live on earth happily"...but can it determine what happens after death?...its only temporary...if u think u r made to just live on earth,die and perish...i dun see why u r living...
pple live their lives searching for a meaning...but once they find christianity,know the truth that someone died for them..know this is the truth...they avoid it and continue searching..then in the end they come to a conclusion "i live a meaningless life...i dun find a purpose in life to live"...its not cos u have no meaning,its not cos u have no purpose..but its cos u reject the truth...u reject to accept the will of ur life...
what i am confused totally abt is that sometimes there are false prophets in churches...some pple that preach but do not act according to what is preached...they are hypocrites..saying something and doing something out..while there are pple that distort the truth and teach false teachings...these pple can be even among us in church..so thats y i'm worried...i've yet to even understood the bible..martin luther said something like "for everything,refer back to the bible to determine whether its true"..cos its the most evident book in the world...
i dunno what i'm talking abt..i'm jsut very very confused and dunno how to explain this feeling and why...i just know that the topic of "truth VS deception" has made me do alot of thinking..i thought abt it for one hour b4 i slept yesterday..really wanted someone to talk to...but couldnt get anyone...my bro,benjamin and shuyu were snacking their way until my mum left in the morning...i slept...
i was just wondering whether everything i ever believed to be true was really true abt this world...cos the news sometimes distorts the truth...sometimes they deceive us with wrong information...really..i mean it...
then the pastor that was preaching this topic was like saying "truth is when u dun believe fictional stuff like u can do this and that...like i believe i can fly..."...but i dun agree with just this statement abt it...if i believe in miracles,i dun see what is impossibility and if i believe that dreams do come true,i dun see what is impossibility either...this is the actual "me" that went looking at musicians in HMV saying "nayz,i'm not fit for such stuff...i think i dream too much" today cos of mood swings...
i knew there was a part of coming to Canada that would be hard for me to withstand and "stand up after falling down"...i guess its really the obstacles i'm facing now...studies(minor factor)...fitting in...adapting...focusing...being different from others...and totally coming out of my comfort zone and apply what i have built up as a foundation at home to use for independent living here(major point)....the wonder they say pple mature when they go overseas and live alone..i'm glad i still have my bro,but me and him arent that close...he doesnt understand me emotionally...we even had to share feelings thru emails last time...maybe since young,we've been always keeping stuff to ourselves and not used to sharing our private and emotional lives as siblings...so thats y i find it hard to approach my bro or sis when i cry or have problems to get off my shoulders....
when my bro left,i had a hard time not having someone to talk to in my room in spore..now i left home,totally out of a place where everybody is there for me is....pple in my house...like my sis,cant adapt to going into my room,seeing an empty space and hearing no crap or lameness from me,no one to hug,no one to just bother...i guess its a time of my life that everything changing so fast...things are going to speed up now,i'm glad i'm still with my bro...but soon,we will all be divided,my sis get married..bro in university...i go for NS....have to learn how to survive independently le...esp when i'm the youngest one and step out of the house of my loving parents...now i know why my mum cried in the morning,she wanted the best for me...but still cant accept that she has to let me go at such a young age...not young actually,but being the "baby" of the house...they dun expect me to be leaving the house when my sis is still sticking so much to it...
i've been thinking alot...and i guess all i can do is calm down and remember i have God and everything should not be full of worries but being assured that God has full control of my life...haiz...i guess i should be left alone...dunno what to say le..this is what i call "crap" when u talking abt things u dun even know why u r saying them for..but i guess this is what a blog is for...just writing all ur feelings down...no planning..just directly how i feel..not too many secrets...cos i guess many have visited it once and never come le...so i'm assured that those that read are pple that take me as an importance in their lives..and are close to me de....but even if u dunno me well..this is my space..my blog"spot"...;)
yellowcard
Saturday, January 15, 2005
1/15/2005 02:16:00 PM
hey guys and gurls,i'm back....my hands are okay le...told u just give me a few days..i forced my hands to do stuff like carrying things and play bball...so its okay le...just cant stretch straight lar...cos knuckles still pain..but overall,i'm still okay...no one said i cant play bball...even my closest friend in sch..that rocco...also ask me to just play...lol...so who cares manz?
i'm having a hard time coping with how pple use "Canada" topics which i cant participate in..i went for fellowship just now...they were like talking abt their heights and weight...all in pounds and feet..how to say mine manz?...so sianz loh...i had to take the initiative to change the topic to something i could participate in...like directing their attention that i'm a singaporean..cos this grp i went out with,was pple i didnt hang out with last week(the first time)...usually we will have fellowship then go to this chinese restaurant and eat loh...
kind of taught three pple last week...while this girl called "vivien" was totally into drums today..asked me to sit by her and teach her...she's cute..same age as me and was saying something like "u teach me manz...i'll come everytime u come....u played drums for 4 years?...so i'll play until i'm 20 too then i'll be gd as u"...hehez...she was quite ambitious later cos i told her i learn by myself,so with me as her guide...she will get better...so she was saying something like "okay..i'll be a pro in 4 years.."
i'm just afraid thats what she wants to come church for next time...i hope not,cos i dun wan to take the spotlight of church off God and onto me teaching them drums...still playing with chopsticks today,they were impressed,cos i had more confidence in doing well...esp when there were so many pple surrounding me today...the more pple,the better i do....and guess what?..i'm getting used to the chopsticks..lol..but nayz,i'm getting sticks tml then maybe i'll lend it to Vivien to let her practise "loosening" her wrist...but she promised she will bring it everytime she sees me lar...
i dun really like the pple's thinking on love here...pple get so open minded that they treat love like a dating game...and just say of their dates like objects of experiment...i dun really like it...even though i like how they talk abt sex and stuff very openly...cos i find its human nature,whats there to hide?....
Rocco met his gf two days ago and was like telling me "aiya,love now is just puppy love...it wont last for eternity"...i totally disagreed.he asked me whether i am attached..i said "maybe" to see how he reacted..then he said "not seriously involved right?"...i again said "maybe"..i dun wanna argue with him...
pple say i can turn this blog into compilation of story books..lol...nayz,i dun think so..no one would read manz...its just cos i'm here,away from u all,or else i dun even think this blog would be visited at all...like the saying goes "u dunno what u have until u lose it"...
i had a thinking that i'll make many friends here and have a hard time leaving Canada when i got to...but since i could leave spore,my homeland, without a tear...nayz,its no problem for me...but if its my sis,she will cry everytime she leaves somewhere manz...lol..=X
another thinking is that when i go back..pple will just go "oh,he's back" but i wonder whether pple other than my related cousins will remember me as something important...maybe its just a pessimistic thinking...been quite moody these few days...so many worries...
firstly,today i had a test...i got one question wrong,cos i thought abt the question again then knew i did it wrongly..shit manz...i think i'm giving myself alot of pressure,esp when my parents paid so much for me...i wish they used it for something else...i keep on fearing so much...pple are like taking it so easily...while me is like "oh no,i dunno how to do this part of the question..thats mean i'm going to get bad marks..."...cos i know my parents arent those that go "oh,u tried ur best...its okay"...but those that go "if this is ur best..i believe u could have done even better"...then the nagging abt having drum courses and side events will come up...
ya..yesterday i had bball cca meeting..i joined it...i signed up for a 8-wwek professional training...its 20 bucks...i actually dun wan de...cos its gonna cost even more money...but my mum was like "aiya,so little..go lar"...but to me its like "i've used more than 9000 for coming here to study..maybe even up to 15000...i cant use more manz.even though my drum course is an essential..."
i'm signing up for the drum course in february...not yet...and miss white(the one in charge of the clubs and the one i said was cute) said the band will only be set up in a few weeks time...so i can go for the bball course first...hehez...so gd...she say there will be professional teaching of drums and band too...yeah manz...play hard,study hard...thats my motto for now...
anyways,i'll end off here....in case pple always nag that the entries are too long..i'll keep it short...;)
yellowcard
Thursday, January 13, 2005
1/13/2005 01:26:00 PM
23rd day in Canada,yesterday didnt write cos was kind of cropped up with stuff..not totally busy lar...come home tired,slept until 10pm...then eat "dinner" then had bible reading with my bro and then went to do homework and slept at 2am...
abt the bible reading...my bro and i doing something called daily bible reading that we have a schedule that we will finish the new testament in six mths...b4 i go back lar..hehez...and then maybe go on solo to finish the old testament loh...
played bball in gym after sch yesterday..played with Rocco(the guy i knew from maths and philosophy class,he's from China..more specific,hongkong)...and a few other guys that i got to know while playing bball there...
it was fun...then i was known as the one that cannot do tricks or else they cant follow de...cos maybe all this time in bball training,been training hangtime "meaning how long can stay in the air"...so pattern can do alot..hehez..
cos we were playing the game called "horse"..its just a game that u do a skill and u get the ball into the net,the next person must follow...they only allow me to shoot,cos they cant follow my pattern layups..so i had to suit them loh...or else see them always saying "aiya,cant do lar..pass straight" also not very gd...so i use shooting lar...not so bad too lar...but they were all three point shooters..and three point line here is much further than singapore de...so i had a hard time lar,but since i started bball with three point shooting..it was still alright...but not that gd,cos i very long never shoot le...they like training me for it...hehez...
there are many pple i know in everywhere,while bball,while classes,while even just in canteen or just needing help or sometimes i just de siao pple(learn from JAz,that girl from indonesia) and say something like "hey,where are u from"...and whatever contry they say or name they say,just say "cool name or cool"..lol...no lar..but i meant it when i said rocco's name was nice..i like it...much nicer than even rocky..lol..
china pple i will use china chinese slang,westerners me use western slang,singaporeans i just use singlish while pple that like cool guys,i will use things like "come on man,teach us something useful,this is crap"...=X...i'm known to be quite proud in maths class..not really lar...but one of them that always say things behind the teacher's back..cos he really teaches common sense stuff...and those harder stuff,he gives little explanation..its so hard learning from him...
he asked a question yesterday and i was the only one that dared to answer..so i raised my hand...answered it...everyone understood but he was like 'i dun understand it,u wanna rephrase it?"...all the guys around me are like saying "come on man,this is the simplest form"..lol
philosophy still rules...its just so nice to learn that philosophy supports alot of christianity...it mainly comes from christianity...so i benefit alot...the teacher knows me well,actually every lit teacher knows me lar...cos i sure ask them alot of questions and talk to them personally de...but this philosophy teacher is still labelling me as "CLiff..that drummer"...everything also "Cliff,drums blah blah blah"...he was like using an example of a logic that is not true by using the statement "all drummers have long hair"..then asked me abt it...i said "no,many drummers i know all short hair,spiky,cool...long hair isnt cool"...
then maths lesson,its just cos i dared to answer the question yesterday,everyone is looking to me for answers or like i'm a "know-it-all"..nayz,i know i'm supposedly gd at maths,but nayz,not totally maths geek loh...i just keep on telling them "i'm not so smart lar...i even have a problem understanding the question"...the topic "proof" is so boring...the question is phrased in such a hard way...its easy to understand when he explains it...but its so hard to understand what the question wants when u see the question...
economics class,two days i go,two days also teacher absent...so sianz...so sway de...i dun like listening to video clips or doing homework only...i had a hard time catching up...and no one in this class is friendly or anything...obviously,i'm new...its okay if they dun take the initiative to talk to me..but i did and they still ignore the fact that i'm new,i need to know more b4 i can do the homework..ended up i just borrow one of the books,read the book and do by myself..which was quite hard...i hope the teacher comes back soon..
today was late for sch...the floor was so filled with ice..it rained yesterday and today it turn into ice,so i was like skidding most of the time..cos i dun hav boots yet...still wearing my adidas shoes..even though i bought three more sports shoes...trying to wear this old shoe out first...i think i'll get a tommy hilfiger boots tml..they are nice...thats besides the point anyways,i fell today...not accidentally.but be cos i was on a slope..then i was going to slide backwards...and if i did,i would land on the road...so i decided i used my technique of falling on ice...cos i usually love falling while iceskating de...sometimes deliberately..hehez
the bus service was slow due to the ice...then i got to sch late by 30mins..be cos i slept late yesterday...only had 4 hours of sleep...so i kind of doze off in economics class...esp when its just the tv showing a video clip..i lasted for 1hr 30mins...but the remaining 30mins i totally dozed off until i heard everyone leaving...
i signed up for the basketball team today...seems all the teachers know me...they will be like "oh u are Cliff...i dun think i need u to write ur name anymore...just tell me what u want"...i think cos top 12 newcomers ba...then she was like asking me what i wanted to join..i said basketball team..then she was like "sure..i'll put ur name in..u dun hav to sign up on the board..i'll personally sign up for u"..cos she was in charge..and i had a hard time finding her...this teacher was miss white...the cute teacher...at last i got to see her close up..hehez..she has a very fair expression and very unique look..dunno how to explain..got chance,i use hp and take photo..lol...but she's extremely nice..
i asked whether there was a band...then she was saying two others asked for it also...they were two girls...so she said maybe she will think abt buying the equipment..she asked me what instrument i wanna play..i said drums..then again she said "cool...oh u r the one"...i was like "huh?"...i didnt tell her i know guitar too lar...but i just hope those two girls are not pple that wanna play flute or clarinet or something..cos i want a stage band manz...and girls?..hmm...sexist=X
but i really like pple that go "cool" other than "drums?..unique..",obviously having the mindset many have that drums is noise,drums is not music,drums is for crazy pple...but not true,everything is based on drums..not really drums...but tempo...its a complementary instrument...solo instrument if pple love beats lar...
got pple say that i'm God-sent to her wor..hehez...dun xiang yy...its none other than the singapore auntie joyce thats quite cute...she looks 30 plus when she is in her forties...other than her wrinkles,i dun see her as an auntie...
its like this,she was finding a church for her son,MArc(remember?...the guy that i said read books like harry potter the thick one in two hours)...and she couldnt find one and i offered to help her by bringing him along to the church i'm attending..the one that wants me as drummers and made me play with chopsticks de..hehez
he always has 15 books in his pockets of his winter jacket...and he finished five just now when he was with me...he borrowed 50 books from library everytime de...cos the libraries allow a maximum of 50 here lar...he is crazy de lar...and he finishes them in one week de...
my mum and the aunties she know here in Canada brought her and her son to the church today to see...cos auntie joyce wants to rest assured that her son is going to a gd church b4 she leaves on tuesday..she very teng wo lehz..hehez...keep on telling my mum that me very guai and very dong shi...of course lar..my mum dunno only..she only sees the negative side of me...and even auntie joyce says my hair is stylish..come on manz,my mum is the only one that says i look like i just woke up..i dunno whats the prob with her...cant she understand my thinking of "messy is also a style"...
things are "colouring" up for me here...no problem here manz..i'm beginning to love it...tml have basketball meeting,i dunno what they are going to do in the meeting..but i'm ready to be auditioned for the basketball team..hehez...i may not make it..but i'll do my best..hehez...
at least now i go around with pple saying "hey Cliff.."..."yoz Cliff wassup?".."hey Cliff...see ya in class later ya?"....i like it when the nigerian blacks tell me that...they look like big brothers to me with their height and their colour...but they still respect me,thats what i like...but so sad,they dun play basketball..or they sure can slam dunk one...:(
correct!...today i went to YMCA club with my mum and the rest...cos my mum and the aunties go in for swimming,spa,massage and stuff lar...so i went around with marc and later go square one...but there was a particular time that i sat near the bball court while marc,of course reading his book and being so heck care abt his surroundings,beside me...then i saw someone slam dunk..oh my,its not like singapore..this guy can jump real high..its like he didnt even take alot of strength to slam dunk..pple in singapore do..and the rings are even higher here manz...so cool! i wish i could...haiz..first dream fulfilled "seeing a live slam dunk in western countries"...second dream,i believe i will one day,but depends on whether my mum sabo my genes to be too short lar "that i can slam dunk too"...i'm still growing manz...
i guess i pen off le...thats abt everything for today and yesterday...;) take care everyone...God bless
yellowcard
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
1/11/2005 11:39:00 AM
21st day le wor..hehez...lucky number...but not mine lar..mine is 6 or 7...hehez...but why am i talking abt this..hehez
yesterday was kind of crazy,had the urge to share my christian faith with others...just felt there was a need to...just an urge to feel that its time i do that..and a gd opportunity to do so when i have so many non-christians coming here and wondering why sometimes i devote so much time to church de...they always go "today got church mehz?..i thought u just went on sunday?..." or "ur church everyday de ar?...i thought only on sundays?"...sometimes its truly just going there to be christian friends...sometimes really just helping 24/7 with church activities..k lar, not 24/7 lar..hehez...
but i'm very glad that in my shoutbox,there's evidence that pple were interested in reading it all the way..i thought it was crappy in the sense that not meaning its meaningless,but its totally what my own opinions are...so,thought many wont be interested in reading de..hehez
today went to sch,went to change my subject,world history to economics,heard that these few weeks i can keep on changing my subjects b4 i settle down on the ones i want to,i wonder whats economics abt..it seems abt business...i know it may be hard,but rather do it than do that stupid world history...its so damn boring loh...
i guess i'm too used to just walking off with my food at the canteen without paying..lolx...my friends lar, last time ask me to just leave, thought must pay them back but they just say,aiya,dun need to pay lar...even the mother also say that..lol..then i take it as i dun wan pay loh..
i was like going to the canteen,then this time i didnt get to have friends to pei wo...so its like i was kind of reluctant to go in and sit by myself...but i guess i didnt care,i just went in and remembered i know quite alot of pple le...some pple are like saying "u been here a few days only ar?..why u know so many pple le...u know he is filthy rich?...i've been here so long,i dun even know that"..lolx...
went to get my food...then saw this china guy from my algebra class called "guo yi"...then i asked him where he is sitting..he was sitting with a few other china pple..and the china girl "esther" was there too...wanted to go and talk to them but on the way,it was like i saw more pple i know...Marc and Clara were the singaporeans that made me comfortable among the rest of singaporeans lar...so i sat with them and i talked alot abt everything...mostly school...and found out Clara was a canadian...she was the same as me just that she was born here but i came here at the age of 1...
they asked me to go joggin with them in the night with them...MArc always asks me to join them..but the problem is i dun live in the sch..but Marc countered it by saying that i could live in his room for the night...it was cool...but remembering that i shouldnt get involved too much in stuff...i told them "i'll see abt that"...
i cant believe how occupied i am now..in the sense of how many days i have events...i thought it was going to be a boring stay in Canada..but no,i've realised that i should just treat here as home for now...thursday i have gym nite at church..playing bball..hehez...then after sch,i know more korean guys and hong kong pple that ask me to join them for bball...friday i have fellowship at church at night...it will be until 10:30..sometimes they go for supper lar...so end very late...
not forgetting that saturday is a day where me,my bro and benjamin go out and just have fun..like that day went arcade...it was fun..hehez...having bonding with my bro now loh...i miss him...always thought i never had anymore childhood memories with him...and after everything in Canada,it will be only awhile b4 he marries meiqi...(i already see her as my da sao)..i think i think too much lar...forgot pple nowadays dun get married so fast...
i cant wait to get back to singapore..heyz,gd news...i only go into army in december..not october anymore..if no changes lar...cos october i will be taking my literacy test in spore that will admit me into universities...so cant go into army so fast..yeah,i dun need to botak so fast..lol
and this schedule of events...i haven add my drum course into the picture yet...plus days that i may stay in Marc's room overnight...i hope i can juggle with everything to do my homework too..hehez..
today philosophy class started..its so fun...the homework was like easy...cos start of class lessons only, they wont go so deep yet...cos pple haven confirm which courses to take yet...so the homework was like "define morality and state a life experience in which morality was displayed"...so fun,i love writing my own meaning to things..i wrote the definition as "morality is having the conscience to differentiate between right and wrong responses when in a situation"...and then i wrote abt me last time being late for sch le...running to sch in spore,then saw a lady need help in her heavy loads of plastic bags...had legs with brittle bones,like cannot cope,then i chose helping her then just be late for sch...but it was gd,i didnt get caught,cos the prefects will leave if pple are too late for sch..like 30 mins late or more,they will be gone...so i just sneak in and waited for the following class to be over before rushing in..
they were like saying we will be seeing shows like troy and alexander for understanding of philosophy..pple say philosophy is hard..but i'm just beginning to love it..hehez...esp when they said "truth=God/knowing whats life abt"...
teacher say we have to do projects on philosophers and pple that think alot...pple were like saying 'lee kuan yew" can anot...or "prophet mohammed"...then i raised my hand and said "can i do JEsus?"...pple were like stunned then teacher say "that will be a very big topic"...and added "no one in our sch history has done JEsus b4"..hehez..
the teacher was the one that tested me on oral on the first day, and knew abt my dreams of being a drummer...he was like keep on saying "Cliff,u want to be a drummer right?..."..just keep on referring to me as "that drummer"...but its cool..i was like quite shocked at the starting..cos many teachers know i'm into drums...its quite scary when all the teachers u dun even know,know u and even ur dreams...
i got that in spore too..cos i'm known to be a naughty and stubborn in the sense that i argue my stand abt what i think de...and i treat teachers like my friend,so i dun treat them with authority or feel that they need more respect...but treat them as equals..i say "hi" to them instead of "gd morning"...so the culture in schh here...i can adapt...
one more thing they may know me for is cos i played drums on stage ever since sec one...every chance i got to...not exactly,sec one couldnt,didnt know musicians in evergreen sec yet...so cant expect me to do drum solo..hehez
i'm beginning to cant stand how my mum is here...she is much more naggy here...so much more loh..i cant stand her...i wish she can just return to spore fast...i want my freedom...i need her in spore, not her..not in the sense that she is useless,but she worries too much here..and is much more strict here...she has a problem man...i dun hav homework cos it just started sch and cant revise anything cos everything to do is in homework...the teachers haven even begin to use the textbooks manz...
so the only thing i can do here is either go gym or table tennis or billiard downstairs,use computer,play guitar,use the phone here...now since the tv is okay le...can watch television loh...but she is like everything also thinks me slacking and wasting my time...haiz..so sianz..
life is so different here..i dun really like it here as much as i like singapore..maybe i just feel like its home here...i feel so so far away...from everything, everything i once used to love...i only like it in the sense that i can make pple so easier here..its maybe cos pple in singapore are not so friendly...and most are either shy or dao...i dun even have to make an effort here to socialise with pple and pple can even come talking to me...my name is an advantage..esp when its a one syllables word...so i recommend u all get one syllables names for ur children next time..=X but dun use "Cliff" unless they really as cute and gdlooking lar..=X..kidding..dun vomit:P
pple will just like "yo Cliff,where r u from?"...then the whole singapore story and crap comes into the picture..hahaz...i met this guy called Rocco today..i told him he has a cool name..i like his name..but he was like "what the hell?"...hehez...then i was like "do u play bball?..when?.." just to know when usually pple are there...usually during lunch,but lunch will have alot of pple de..so i prefer to play after my last class at 2:30...cos many got fourth session..mine is three and all on first three periods..so very lucky..hehez
just bought the moulin rouge soundtrack today...so crazy abt the show..its one of the shows that made me love nicole kidman..she's a beaut manz...i love her eyes...hehez...
pple are like telling me "spore is a nice place manz..i wanna go there for holiday soon"...i'm so happy..and always reply "of course it is"..esp when they know my english is gd and know mandarin at the same time..cos many dunno english as gd as we singaporeans do...esp in Asia...they sure got chinese slang de...but i got rid of it le...and sometimes i talk to the chinese use western slang..they dun understand..while if i talk to westerners and use chinese slang..they dun understand either..hehez...its like talking in tamil slang to them..=X...okay enough of the racism..
i miss wearing sleeveless...i miss being hot...i miss being totall just a "singaporean"...hehez...pple take me like a canadian here..cos i got duo citizenship ...hehe...
if i took the nazareth course,now i would still be slacking and playing..cos the course only starts on thursday...but i'm happy with how things are going now lar...just one more thing to let my schedule be reorganised...and thats my drum course...after that, i can just sit back and wait for things to happen..and just study,play hard...hehezs...
k lar, i pen off here..;)..dun forget me ya..hehez
yellowcard
Monday, January 10, 2005
1/10/2005 03:30:00 AM
20th day...its nearer and nearer to the day that i will come back to creep u all with my looks..hehez...
one advice: if u are not a christian and not open to christianity thoughts..dun read the following to the end..or u will get offended...
i'm wondering abt something...will pple still remember me when i come back..or will they just say "oh cliff's back" then just go on with their lives...when i left,pple were so close to me...now its like, i dun even know whats going on i spore, i miss it so much..but i guess its just where i have to be for now..step of faith..God told me to come and i believe its where He wants me to be for now...
also gd lar..pple take me for granted sometimes..always thinking i'm always there...its time pple stop relying on me...not meaning i'm not trustworthy or not willing to be there for them..but its time they mature and decide for themselves what to do...and stop coming to Cliff and saying "i have a problem..can help me?"...even for simple things like "what should i wear tomorrow?"..hehez...ya marcus?..nayz, he will hardly come here to see my blog...but its okay if i'm talking to myself...
i'll still be here online in the virtual world for u all to contact thru phone,msn,email,friendster,blog...see so many wor..not like u have to put a letter on a pigeon and pray that it gets to me...which 99% wont..lol...
today went to a church..did reflection...they talked alittle abt tsunami in the worship led...it made me quite emotional...esp when so long never go to a church that really touch me le..i mean our church back in spore lar...even hearing chinese music from our service there de...i miss the church...basically the building so much loh...i miss everyday abt it..esp just hanging out with marcus they all and feeling so nice in the church..i emphasise one more point of our church..i love it!!...hehhez
the feeling of being in it, is never the same with other churches..i know God is omnipresent..but cos maybe i grew up in the church..i really like just being there...the feeling is like stronger than being in my own house..esp when God is there...and everyone that loves God is there too..
there was this song called "this is the air i breathe"..i believe most of u christians know it...its a lovely song that talks abt God being ur foundation,being ur shelter,being ur daily bread and every interpretation u can get from the song...but it wasnt so lovely until they talked abt it with reference to tsunami...
i did talk abt a show i watch that talked abt how unfortunate pple in some countries are?..i think God wants me to know wherever i am..i have to pray for everyone everywhere...to the ends of the earth ya?...thats y i love that song...we cant just always think abt ourselves and our country..what abt pple out there?
esp tsunami, i had so many thoughts in my mind....i think i gotta translate them all into words..express them....
its like ever since it happened, i heard many pple having a thought that maybe doom's day is coming..i mean judgment day...and many think what if i die tml?...i haven even found my purpose...i dunno who to look to..now i understand why joanne my sis loves "pple need the lord" that song so much..pple really need the lord...
(non-christians that are reading this..i know everytime i sure talk abt christian stuff de...u gotta understand and respect my thinkings to be able to be my friends..so i know u all wont mind, read on...it may help)
imagine living a life without a purpose, without knowing who made everything around us..not knowing the truth abt everything...like X files saying "the truth is out there"...the pastor was talking abt one of the parablas in the bible just now...its like broadcasting done by a farmer...broadcasting is also a word used by radios and television...meaning everything is broadcasted out...but whether u wanna keep watching or hearing..its up to u...whether u wanna "open ur heart"..."open ur eyes"...look around...there's this verse in the bible that also summarises something like "God's creation is an obvious hint to pple to think who could make such a wonderful universe that even science cant decode?"...so i totally dun agree that pple should live life for the sake of living it...and the answer that pple give of "no, i've not looked around and thought b4"...thats mainly cos u all are running away from reality, u all want to know the truth...but u all just run away from the fact that u all feel lost...dunno what u r living for...
imagine u live in africa, u r dying tml..and no one has even talked abt the truth to u..i know most pple in singapore have been approached and know abt christianity...and they still just reject the truth and dun open their eyes and heart to accept what is believed to be true..and is true...its like changing the channel of a radio station or a tv show and not wanting to see it...how would u feel not knowing where u will go after u die, not knowing who to seek when the world is evil in the sense that war happens,tragedies always happen...no comfort to seek..i know there are alot of counsellors to help u...but who can truly help u directly with ur life?...the maker of u..the one that controls the will of ur life...
pple come to ask the question "what if i die tml?...is it heaven or hell i'm going to?"...many pple just say "aiya..go hell loh...many also gd mah"...but if everyone is jumping off the building...would u do so too?..where's ur own point of view..where's ur own stand?...pple came to see that christians pray for these pple...try to help them..and totally are pple that are not afraid of dying..cos we know if we believe in our God...it will never occur that we have a minute of our life that we dunno where it is leading to..cos God is in control...God's will is ours...we plan our lives..but God determines our step...
ever wondered why the cross is so important to christians?...cos its like Christ is the only one that resurrected and has His tomb empty...who else in history has done that?...somepple take Gold for a god...make an animal out of gold and say that is "niao shen"...i know i'm being very unrespectful of other pple's religion...but i dun mean that..i just mean to think abt it...heard the saying of " money is the root of all evil?"...money itself is not evil..its our survival kit...but christians believe in the verse in bible "men do not live on bread alone, but on every word of the bible"...u may not understand this...but our "daily bread" is strength from God...money can make u do things to betray pple,hate pple,most importantly,Greed...
what else...pple worship pple that enlighten others...notice the word "pple worship pple"???....God is not a person..if so, why cant pple make a living thing?...that has a heart?...why can they only clone?...why cant science determine all truth?...
and some pple worship animals...some worship JEsus too lar..that one i wont judge, cos we dunno catholics or protestants are truly the ones that go to heaven...but abt animals...arent they even more lowly than humans?..humans torture them..and they are like slaves or servants for human..how can they be God?...God is above all...maybe u will think this is another myth...like singapore got fish/lion head animal..maybe really got things stronger than dinosaurs...but no truth abt them..
notice one more thing...i didnt say "sayings" for words from the bible...cos sayings are what many pple say..its not confirmed to be true and everything...but verses from the bible...they are all evidently true..the book with most evidence and pple supporting it is the bible...everything it says is not like horoscope that widens the scope..but it gets very detailed..it predicts..not say predict lar..but totally evidently says of events that will happen..and they did...and these pple that wrote the book...all have same thoughts abt jesus..how can this be possible?...u may think "aiya, they buck up one mah...all also write together the same stuff...make story"...but no, they are all of different generations..no one passed the books around and let pple anyhow write their story to be added in the bible...these were things written by pple in different centuries, different generations..combined together...more abt that..u go and do bible research..i dunno so much..i'm only 17 tis year..=X...excuses...
it just meaning that if u r a non christian, i wont force u to be converted over..but just want u to think of ur life...want u to ask urself "whats my reason of living?"..just to die?...if u are satisfied with that answer...okay..but i wont be if i were u...then u go and find ur meaning...go into science, see whether it answers all ur questions abt life...then go for other religions...then make ur choice...after what i said...
today i just got a sudden urge to share and to "preach" but its cos maybe i feel there isnt much time left..christians out there..tell pple the truth of life...let them know...its not ur responsibility to make them convert..but to let them know..should be ur responsibility and ur concerns...would u want to be with ur friend forever and end up knowing that one of u are going to a different place for eternity?..sure different if ur religion is different lar...
but one more thing, i didnt say go mosque or temple and get everyone to convert into christians hor...religious respect is still needed..i dun wanna hear racial or religious disharmony in spore tml..lol...
dun just think abt pple having no daily bread for eating to survive...but think abt whether they have "daily bread" and the truth that is essentail to survive eternity ya?..i pen off here...but b4 i go...those that are patient to read finish this...a Big thanks..cos i know its full of crap and just my own point of views...and i know many of my non-christian friends also come here..its just a thought for them to think abt...i cant stand to see pple around me,living life blinded frm the truth, living life without hope..without someone to seek(God)...without a purpose and just living it and waiting to die...live to die?...there's a very direct view of life..but there's more to life than just the word and its meaning in the dictionary...a life isnt a life that is wasted at the end and ends in just one last breath..
yellowcard
Sunday, January 09, 2005
1/09/2005 10:39:00 AM
hey everyone, guess what i'm doing now?....cant guess right?...me just sitting on the couch and typing the blog entry..but actually,me just trying to be lame lar..so sianz...
yesterday night went for fellowship at the church that i most probably am permanently attending for the next six mths...i guess it will be fun..due to the experience i had yesterday..
they dun hav alot of pple lar...maybe like two grps added up in our yf..like 15 pple or so..but they use a piano and intending to use drums and guitar too...guitarist..there's already a girl playing..but she didnt turn up yesterday..so it was only pianist...wow, all the talents are girls wor..i think guys here in Canada are either in bands outside or they are the more sporty type..like bball and skateboarding seems the most "in" thing for them for sports lar...
i went to the church then i think quite a number knew that i'm their to-be drummer...then they were like..lets get the drums down manz..cos the fellowship was in the basement of the church...while service on the first floor...i helped them with the drums...
they were like arranging the drums properly...but i gave them a hand, they were like, cool...drums manz....as if they never touch b4 like that..then they put everything together..i was like "erm...u want me to do a demo?...then where's the sticks?"...they were like stunned and like totally forget that drums need drumsticks de...some still say "use ur hands lar..."....i was like "nayz,u wont get to hear much like that"
then they ran around finding the sticks..but obviously they didnt have a drummer b4..so they dun have it lar...later one of them came back with a...how abt u make a guess?..lol...i was like shocked...they took pencils and pen at first..then i was like..too short lar..no effect one...then they next took one even more shocking thing LONG CHOPSTICKS...i didnt even see chopsticks so long b4...so i was lik laughing at the suggestion of it...but it was the length of drumsticks..but the problem is...i never use chopsticks to play b4 and these were like half the thickness of drumsticks...no effect de...but anyways, since they so sincere in wanting to hear..i tried...i did make one mistake...cos i didnt come with a mindset that i needed to play drums and the main problem is I"M NOT USED TO CHOPSTICKS~!...lol
but i guess they didnt hear it as a mistake..so..who cares?..lol...but it was real stupid holding chopsticks instead of drumsticks..spoil my image of how drums are supposed to be played loh..and when i play..i watch myself using the "sticks"...i couldnt believe i agreed to using these stupid things to play loh..-_-"
nvm..i got to teach like abt three pple the drums..one mastered the basic beat in 5 mins of teaching...actually the fastest "student" i've had...even faster than tommy..and this student is a girl..the guys one gave up trying..while the other was like keep on trying...abt 10 mins then i made him do the real beat..cos i split up the learning...aiya,dunno how to explain..like coordination of hands legs should come later...make sure u are sure of using the three basic things first: snare drum,bass and hi-hat...two by two...if u all learn from me b4 then u will understand..i make u feel the beat first...then i play one time all three things and u feel it..u play it...dun memorise...the guys were trying too much of that..the girl was little of the punk type..but cute, like pris, hang out with guys alot...lol
i guess girls have more patience..abt the discipline factor, i wont judge...i kind of learn by myself de...so its like i took like an hour...cos i was like coaching myself..but totally abt feeling the beat..not memorising and not simplifying the beat into 4 beats...i didnt even know that in pri 4...so its like i coach myself of course harder when everyone around me was saying i'm too young...quite discouraged lar...but i got to learn quite fast after i enter sec one cos always sit behind luther while he play in service to learn...
i guess i'll be in the band soon...but i wont rush into that...as long as i get my self improvement courses...i'm satisfied..getting them soon..hehez..
i got know quite alot of CBCs yesterday..mostly girls..i dunno y its harder to know guys here..cos they like have their 'cool" grps or grps that have some attitude in common..its hard for me to just go in with them..the girls are more independent and dun stay in grps de...but the guys are still friendly lar...CBC= Canadian born Chinese...
went to supper with them and got to know more of them thru conversation and everything..its so nice loh...so many of them talk to me at one time..its hard catching up lar...and abt the age grp..its abt like 15-21 ba...
their yf is like one week activity, one week Bible study...so we get to have quite alot of activities...then on easter..the day itself..we will fast for forty hours at someone's house and stuff...alot of events lar...like bowling,camping,etc de...i guess i'll be fine here...hehez...thought i'm gonna miss alot of yf events in spore..but since i'm here...just be where i can be at the time being loh...but wont get too attached and forget everyone back in spore ya?...promise u all that...;)
time is ticking fast...soon gonna be 20th day...and abt something...saturday that u see on my blog entries...means i wrote it on friday k?...cos i put singapore time for my blog...but my time here is 13hours slower(dunno how many times i repeat that le)...today is the 19th day i'm here...soon i'll be back annoying all of u...so dun need to try to get rid of my stupid face in ur mind..i will appear in ur mind soon,again...hehez
things are happening well for me..no partying yet..but i guess i hope i dun meet friends like that...or else i might get badly influenced...even though i know my limits...the pple i hang out with...will more or less shape my thinking and character de...so i just gotta watch out...dun hang out with singapore smart kids or nerds either lar..lol =X
today went to the mall square one..not really the mall...but we went to the arcade...its called "playdium"...like a small "jurong east shopping mall" with full of games de..hehez..the games are quite equivalent to singapore de lar...other than those 3D ones...oh..talking abt them makes me have the dizzy feeling again...
i went to play this 3D game..i'm a cop and have to shoot pple around me..its like playing in first person mode while totally ur head is covered by..how do i explain that..u know those kind of salon?...then for perm hair...then they will put like a motorbike helmet over ur head...=X..i dunno abt that de hor...its cos small my mum always bring me to salon..then she make her hair..i sit there like an idiot....while pple just come over "so cute" then pinch my face...so annoying...
then i put that on..then have to turn 360 degrees to see my friends de..i thought it will be fun..but i'm the type that can get motion sickness very easily playing games in first person mode....so i kind of gave up halfway..esp when outside the helmet...pple were looking what i'm doing in there...there's a scene...then i just seem so stupid loh...stupid benjamin walked away..or ask him to take over le..i was like going to vomit...
the cute thing abt the arcade here was that small children as young as 5 years old...are walking around alone...like their parents just put them here and shop at square one or something..then they go and slide their cards and play..lol...so cute..=X
the games are all very "singapore also have" lar...but it was like they have "beatmania freaks,DDR freaks,guitar freaks"...but no "percusion freaks"..i mean the game..it was like so sianz..i wanted to play it...cos in spore marcus was like telling me "b4 u go CAnada..u try to master more of the skills then go Canada haolian..."...but come here...cant even play that game...i dun think i will go to that arcade anymore manz...its big but alot of wuliao games..and benjamin and my bro arent those type to crazily play with me...my bro is bu yaolian when he play lar..but age gap lar...wish marcus was here..:(
the games are quite outdated de...DDR..u know the dancing and jumping on the arrows that one...is like only first version wor...i rather singapore arcades...but the daytona was like totally realistic de..as if u r in the car itself...so i didnt bang..or else the seat will shake..lol...i kind of trashed my bro and benjamin and another guy that was playing there...even though i only know how to use automatic lar...the guy that was playing with me...lost to me three games in a row..he smiled to me when i said "gd game" to him after every match...but it didnt seem that way...i think he quite pek chek that i keep winning him..lol..i even made his car fly quite a flew times..hehez
he kept trying lar...but always is second after me de...i said the last "gd game" to him on the third round..he just smile and left...i thought he is supposed to be sociable?..why am i the one that talks to him first manz...and no reply somemore...stupid smile...
we stayed in there for hours..we bought the thirty dollars package..have 180 tokens...but simulators cost at least 3-4 tokens...but ours is in card form...so we just use sliding of card loh....
we also sat a 2 dollars motion simulator ride in one of the small cinemas...but it was boring..its like a cartoon show of virtual reality...the whole theatre kind of shakes together lar...but not much of fun..i prefer the ones in genting...i mean when i went in sec one or something...i wish today's motion simulator was the jurassic park one..the cartoon one was boring...i was like...r u shaking me to sleep?only the music very loud only...deafening manz..if a drummer can tell u thats deafening..u should know how loud that is...
then we ate mcdonalds for dinner..i know why they all fat de...cos u see ar..they have meals that totally very scary de loh..i was hungry so i felt i regretted not buying the bigger burgers..its like u know big mac in singapore?...they have double big macs here...lol...and if u know zinger burger...its like double it too..lol...i bought a meal and an apple pie...its like everything is the same for the meal..but its called "Big extra meal"..but the burger is just a quarter ponder in spore lar...but the apple pie is baked de...quite nice..but i still prefer singapore de...
tml got church..maybe i will see how their service goes..just wanna suan those that go to chinese service back in spore...me having contemporary english service here...i mean contemporary songs..hehez...=P...and english somemore...i will get to relax from translating everything into english for awhile..cos i usually do that until brain tired in singapore...
at least this time when i go...i'll have someone to sit to...the auntie's son is called raymond..he is 17 but driving a car le..and is so mature looking..i cant believe he is only one year older than me...first time i see someone that looks like 20 years old de...but is only one year older than me...he drives me to church and then fellowship me also know almost all of them le...so no problem..other than remembering their names..lol..=X cos its like they only have one more person's name to remember..while i have to know all of theirs...so cham hor...
that was my day today and and yesterday night..short and simple...not as exciting as how it used to be when i just came lar...so dun hav so many stories to tell...cos adapting to life here le...will update again tml..cya pals;) pen off..
yellowcard
Saturday, January 08, 2005
1/08/2005 07:42:00 AM
hi everyone..thank u for coming here to see "Cliff's unique,simple and most importantly,long blog"..lol....sorry lar..must always start the blog entry with something very lame...=P
its the 18th day in Canada..i knew time will speed up when i go to sch...i dun feel so sianz anymore..esp when i get to know pple from everywhere...first day i know singaporeans and pple from indonesia...then second day i know china and india girls..third day today,got to know korean,nigeria and china guys..=X....sounds so gay huh?
hahaz..i know the koreans cos they were playing bball and i came in to join them in the gym....kind of so proud of myself...at least i've not got rusty...trashed them even though got bullied by they all..cos they put a guy that dunno how to play in my team..but i was like "nvm..thats ok...i believe he has at least some skills"...so at every chance he is open...i ask him to shoot...cos they belittle him while me encourage him..so the first ball was he score de..hehez..that is what happens when both of them come and defend me only...i got alot of free space to pass the ball to him while he got alot of time to aim..hehez..but still got sometimes i solo lar...we played 2 on 2...
the air as usual..was very thin...and very cold...so when u run and sweat..the feeling is like u dehydrating loh...feel so not used to it..of course lar...when i come from a country that is on the equator of the earth....and i still had my uniform on...i had my bball short inside..but didnt find a need for it...my loose jeans were okay...the uniform is grey or kind of skin colour pants...then top is bronte college uniform....on the outer layer...u have to wear either the sleeveless,polo tee or sweater uniform...inside is just wear any white shirt or t shirt...me wear shirt..cos looks nicer and more formal..hehez..i dun mind wearing such uniform manz..evergreen uniform sux loh...=X
it was so hot..every match i take off one layer of my top...but only three layers lar...the last layer was a singlet..not exactly singlet but just a thin white t shirt...for sweatin..lolx...at last i sweat alot...the air is also quite humid...so i got to sweat alot....went to the toilet, wipe all sweat...took off that t shirt...then go to my next class....cos today i had world history,philosophy and algebra...not normal algebra lar...A level standard...every subject two hours...
the most dreadful one was when i started off with world history in the morning..its so boring loh..talk abt trade, marco polo, the seven cities in year 1500..as though i care....i hate history..my sch is 19% passes in sec one and sec two..so it doesnt allow us to take history for sec three de...cos we totally suck at it...i find it boring lar...cant believe there are pple that know so much abt it..can tell me what "spanish last time fight with whateva country...for Gold...for merchandise"...then "giraffe..u know why china artefacts have giraffe on them?...even though their country dun hav giraffe last time?...cos of trading"...so lame loh..i hate history...and there's a quiz on monday..when i miss my class yesterday be cos of the Nazareth thingy...and only today i got to have a lesson...heard it takes marks for the overall performance too..die manz...
went to study it in the library...cos i only used 15 mins of the recess for eating..there was an hour..but end up almost fall asleep..maybe cos i kind of tired since yesterday..slept quite late...but thats okay...but its really i cant even force myself to read the introduction abt "what and where is the west?"...so sianz loh...
i wanted to drop it and change subject...but cannot....the stupid teacher keep on saying "if i'm u, i will choose these courses..its the best choices if u wan general topics" cos i told him me pursuing music and if he want me to force a decision abt what i'm going to do in university...it will be literature...cos the first time i visited him...he was like saying "u go and think already then tell me..i dun hav time"...i think he is angry that he didnt get his commission for pulling pple to join the Nazareth university course...hahaz...cos many students were outside too wanting to opt for normal course or AP program...
but if he was me, he will know how much i hate history loh...die lar..how am i even going to do it loh...die lar die lar...have to start studying it manz..i totally dun even understand anything...this is the first class i entered that i have problem answering questions and totally dunno how to do the homework in class...what stupid historical terms of "rationale for settlement/structure and organisation of cities/causes of conflict"...usually u have the answer from the text book de..i ask the guy beside me is like he tell me alot..i say "where in the book u find that manz?"...he say "no lar...this is my own knowledge"...then how he expect me to do...i dun do studies abt history of the spanish or whatever de loh....and "rationale for settlement" is just meaning "Reason for settlement"...cant they simplify it...and still use structure in history terms meaning forgot le lar..its just not the usual meaning of structure of a city correct le...its stupid loh...
last time do something that concern me...all the dynasty and history of spore...i already so sianz liao..not u ask me to study western history of empires..worst loh..what does that have to do with me...u maybe think "thats interesting..then u can know their culture ma"...but no...i dun wan to know..and i rather do english all over again than this loh...and they are like telling me "literature?..oh...our sch doesnt think literature is important for general courses"...*disappointed*
aiya, i cant do anything abt it..just have to study very badly loh...just worried abt the quiz on monday...i'm not scared i cant explain what the book is abt...thats actually hard enough with their historical terms and stuff..but whats worst?...i dun even understand what they want when they use historical terms of asking questions..i'm just not that type loh...history is "histery" to me...if u know what i mean...
anyways, i just went gym just now..i think its useless..i bought the fist guard le...but after hitting very hard and stuff..the blood cells still come out de...but after awhile then no more le..just like baluku(blue black) loh...the feeling lar...maybe its just the way i hit lar...when i hit the punching bag will move de..is it suppose to be swinging?..=X..cant help...but i will try to stop it everytime i can lar..but it interrupts the training...went there alone...cos my bro they all went to sch to play badminton..i didnt want to go..cos quite tired le..and no basketball...time over le...so i also dun find a meaning in going..still have to act like a student there..i rather save the trouble...
now just waiting for the time that my aunt's son come and pick me up to go to the church that needs me for drums...that church's fellowship..its like she asked me to go this church's fellowship on friday while go to my bro's church,which is also her church lar, for service on sunday...but i guess if they request me to play drums...then i cant le..cos their service is also on sunday..but i rather not be a goer of two churches lar..i rather just settle down in one and grow...double benefit i know..but i dun like the thinking of it lar..
k lar...i'll pen off here...dun wan to write too much....or u all always complain..hehez...
yellowcard
Friday, January 07, 2005
1/07/2005 09:39:00 AM
hi everyone...i've come to a point i decide i rather just keep silent abt my music dreams for now...my parents are still disagreeing..i can tell...but as long as they know it...at least they wont get a shock when i start pursuing it next time after NS....my father is like just called and said "if drums is a hobby for now..still okay lar"...maybe he agrees to me going to drums next time..but hearing what he said later "but drums if u want to major..dun need lar..."...i just kept quiet...too tired to argue abt it now with him..
today went sch...at last got to take the entire bus journey myself...so proud of myself that i got to be able to find my way around....hehez..so fun..today sch was at 2pm...reached at 1:30...then the canteen already close liao..so sad...but i saw my friend's mum there then she took some bread from the hostel room for me...just some croissants...felt like a poor person...eat bread for lunch..lol..=x
sometimes i feel life is full of decisions..esp when u come to a place that u have to be independent..its fun learning how to mature into a young adult and being decisive..but its not fun when u get caught in the middle and totally dunno what choice to make...and either choice, if u do it wrongly...ur parents scold u that u dunno how to think...
i applied for the NAzareth course today..mainly cos everyone was doing it..and the teacher said until like it was stupid not to loh...cos its very beneficial...thats mean that proficiency test already got me my A levels...and i finish A levels and one year of university in 6 mths..cool right?..but i guess its just not for someone that has to go back to NS like me...and its too much to pay for three thousand more dollars...and its not for me in the sense that i may not continue university here and may pursue music...i've confidence in doing well for the exams lar...but whats the use when u may not even go to university eventually..and u study so hard..thats my point of view...
my parents is thinking abt the money...maybe its really too costly,pple stay in the sch..its cheaper..i still have a rent outside...every month 800 dollars..haven add other expenses...its natural that they think its too much to spend when i already paid like 9000 dollars and they want 3000 dollars more...i dun think my dad can fork that money...we arent rich manz...those that come from singapore arent too...but as i said..they live in the sch while the rest...if they can like come from indonesia or china to here....they sure rich de loh...cos the currency exchange is so much loh...
i got to know another china girl and a girl from india...they were sitting right next to me when we applied for the course...the china girl was cute...talked to her like thirty mins b4 i totally knew she could speak mandarin and english too...so i could just like mix those languages to talk to her..its much easier for a bilingual person like me...as if u dunno, i talk chinese to pple in sch while english in church...english to my whole family except chinese to my mum...she was like telling me in chinese "my dad is going to kill me loh...3000 more dollars lehz"..then i already know she's in the same type of situation like me...i hope she chose not to go into the course in the end...cos i dun wanna lose that friend...while the girl from india...i just talked to her casually...so its okay if i lose her as a friend...not very important also...couldnt click very well..just like talking abt cultures and general stuff...
i was like across the table from the singaporeans i knew at the beginning..marc went to grade 11...while i'm in grade 12 with these pple...so i didnt really talk to them...as they quite dao de...the girls are like just stare at me but talk just a few lines only...actually i didnt even bother talking to them..it wasnt fun coming all the way from singapore and talking to ur own type loh..it wont let me grow much..hehez..
the china girl name was Hong kio...hehez...i had a hard time pronouncing it..heng she told me her christian name is Esther...im glad she knew perfect english or else i'll have problem talking to her...cos chinese, using a mixture of english is what i do usually..my chinese vocab not that much...so dunno how to describe things...but slowly treated her like my friend then we talked easily...like stuff like "haven u eat lunch?...wa...i'm so hungry..."..
i totally just gave the singaporeans a cold shoulder...totally cos they didnt seem to want to include me in the grp...i dun mean the girls..i mean the guy called liu yun..i dunno whats his problem...socialise with me so fakely..i felt insulted...so i kind of talked to everyone else and gave them the concept of "i dun need u all to rely on for accompanyment"...:P "i'm strong enough to live without u...strong enough to live without u...oh..strong enough..oh strong enough.."..=X
k lar...cut the crap ba...at the end of the long long application fill..it was like 2 hrs...finally finish then me left...walked around abit..finding teachers, asking abt stuff...i walked past the gym on the way to the toilet...the gyms here mean "indoor basketball court"...the "Real" gyms are called fitness gyms or something...then i went to the front desk to ask the guy there when its usually open..cos i saw korean pple playing inside...then i thought...maybe i should bring my ball and play after sch next time...hehez...i wanted to ask them but remembered how cold the guys can be towards a singaporean like me...korean guys are freaks manz...faggots..
my mum called the sch and asked alot..then told them that i wan the AP program instead...i think maybe she didnt understand the fact that the literacy test is needed by the MOE here for entry into university..but i think maybe she accepts that i may not go university here...or maybe if i really do(nayz..never)...i will go for the literacy test to qualify for university first...
i felt very honoured to be chosen as the top 12...with all the other smart pple...maybe i'm number 12th..lol...but so what..i'm top 12...woohoo.=X..lol...but i guess the couse is just not for me...there were a few more added ones cos they opt for it..and some idiots didnt come for the first meeting...how stupid can they be...they dunno what they missing out on loh...i saw the korean guy that told me "where's spore" in a class today liao..with the rest that were not chosen...he was chosen loh...just that he gave up trying to go for the meeting as he didnt bother to find out where the conference room is...where's his initiative manz...bai chi..
k lar...i seem like me insulting alot of koreans..lol...but i cant stand how arrogant their looks are loh...they are like chinese but arrogant ones loh...the way they speak..the way they behave..so sick of them loh....i like china pple...very friendly and simple minded de....the china girls were nice...humble cos they dun speak english very well...they know how to write..but as there arent pple to speak proper english with in China..they rarely speak the language....so its quite cute seeing them try...so u see..u cant say i come here to see ang moh girls...its more like china girls loh...and i really prefer chinese and asians than westerners loh...not meaning i like any of the girls here lar...but its interesting being friends with them...i always wished i could talk to other races...thats y i used to be so close with the