?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Monday, December 27, 2004
12/27/2004 09:59:00 AM

i really miss the sun in spore..i miss the feeling of sweating..i dunno y...maybe cos i'm a fitness freak and when i dun sweat, i dun feel like i'm healthily exercising...and one more reason may be due to how cold it gets here when cold wind blows and ur whole body shivers...i indeed like snow...but i dun like the cold...

today was the day i first shed tears...not be cos i missed pple back in spore...be cos i can control that emotional thingy...but cos of something that suddenly struck to me that totally made me stuck in confusion....

it was like this...i was talking abt choosing churches here...i chose Fiona's church...cos its like she has a fellowship in her church and i can join the band as a drummer in their church...while my bro's church that he helping at is all hymns and very little youth de...i'm more of a contemporary worshipper...so i think it wont benefit me to go to his church...but my mum doesnt see it that way...she thinks me and my bro should be going to the same church...then go home together,lovey dovey...and my bro argued that i shouldnt be going to that church just be cos of drums...how can they doubt how i make my decisions?...of course i'm not going to that church just for drums...its just an area of my talents that i want to use for serving God while satisfying my interest in it at the same time...

at that moment of argument...i just remembered how edwin described my playing of drums for self praise...who is he to judge?.nvm...dun talk abt that matter...or my blood will boil...but its just that i dont, i always pray b4 i play drums for God...sometimes i worship so much while playing that what yangkai advised me to do on drums...i miss out...always get scolded by him de...but why dont they see that its the heart that matters...not abt how well i do...but how much i give in my efforts to serve God...

another point why i got so emotional cos if u can see by my website...its "drums4life"...i take my drums very seriously....esp when i learnt it by myself when everyone around me was saying "ur too young...no, u cant make it de lar..."...can just imagine the scene that yangkai gives the very proud look and says "huh? u want to major in drums?...cannot make it de lar"...with so much things going against me, whats more?...i knew my parents would go "huh?!!!" when i talked abt seeking drums4life...but i still tried to talk to them abt it anyway...and this is their compulsory plan for me...go to university..secure urself with a degree...then u talk abt music...cos its too risky and where can u go with drums?...

its an interest thingy...i dunno y so many dun dare to dream...i'm not dreaming...its reality that i'm gonna make it big someday....and i can assure u that...maybe as big as being a pro that teaches in yamaha or music schs...or if my dreams come true...playing in a band...preferably a christian band...but if its rock, who cares?...as long as it doesnt go against my religion....

all these connected to my thoughts of being very demoralised everytime i play the drums...if u see me smile and being able to say "i'm a good drummer"...it means that i took alot of self motivation to say that...self confidence is one thing i have potentially but lack too much of, if u know what i mean....as self confidence can be in u...but pple can put u down and that part of u, wont come out...

so u should know why i'm here in canada...to secure myself with a degree...then pursue music...i love drums, but i love God more...so pls, even though if i look as if i'm showing off on the drums when i play for God...pls remember, i'm playing for God..the star is God...no matter if i play gd or bad...all the efforts are to be given to God...not me,not u....

anyways, it was like a point of time that i argued with my mum and my bro....i was like suddenly silent and thinking to myself "i'm wasting thousands of dollars..i should go straight into music...i'll never be satisfied with my job unless its to do with music...so what am i doing here...."...but i guess its really cos its a step of faith to listen to my parents and do what they think is the best for me...coming to Canada is already a big big step of faith...and God, i hope its ur will that i be here...if not, blame it on me that i took the wrong step..

i was rather moody and in an emotional state when that happened...alot of things went thru my mind...i even came to a point i thought i just wanna get a refund for my high sch fees and get straight into a music sch here...but i slowly calmed down from the moody state and think carefully...usually i try not to come to conclusions or make harsh moves when i'm in an emotional state...cos i've had too many experiences of doing harsh stuff and totally regretting it when i calm down and think abt its...this is an advice from MR Cliff...when u get moody,sad or angry...calm down and think abt it carefully...sometimes u will really feel "i feel so stupid for thinking so much and so far...i'm glad i came to my senses and did not do anything harsh"...

thats just abt me...one very dark secret abt me is that when me moody,no matter sad,angry(rare but when happens, attitude is very bad,u wont want to see it) or emotional...just leave me alone..i get over things very fast de...an example is like everytime edwin scolds me for things...i get very pissed off...feel like just blowing my top and scolding him back and stuff...i'm not bad at answering back...but after thinking carefully abt it...i'm glad i didnt act on impulse and did what my human nature felt like doing, cos i know sometimes his anger is bad..while if i clash anger with him, it means i'm no better...so why do it?

i feel i'm missing out so much on spore...my bball team having training and matches with teams in the north area...pple hanging out at church....just so many things...i miss church...its only been like one week..but it seems like ages that i've not gone to church...i'm just so attached to the building and everything...its like, the church is different from others..it gives me a sense of belonging, a sense of security....a sense of holiness and serenity that i dun feel in other churches...sometimes i just like going to church for fun...just for the sake of being there...like when pple have committee meeting...pple will ask something like "why come all the way down here to practice drums/play bball"...but my answer is like, i like ma...and its truly cos i like ma...:P

but i guess i just have to move on, i'm here now...just enjoy it while i'm here...make new friends, have fun in Canada...not everyone has the chance to play with snow and see snow fall on their faces...its lovely, praise be to God...hehe..its like so heavenly, like a touch of heaven...like snowflakes that come directly from heaven...so nice, so smooth, so gentle...when it falls lar...pple that love snow...jealous? =P

anyways, to update u on the weather here...it really truly started snowing again today...and i mean it this time..no more ice or rain on the floor...just pure snow...snowflakes, they're a beaut manz...

went to the church of my childhood de today...i dun think its a church i want to be in...cos its all hymns and stuff...although i'm from a chinese service, if i had a choice...i would choose the english type of service...but not in the sense of hymns and stuff lar...i'll get bored to death...

but its like when i reach the church...like any other church..i would just stare at the cross and feel so nice...its like after a whole hectic week of events...who wouldnt feel nice coming to church and knowing that its time to put down all burdens and worship the LORd almighty..not meaning u cant worship Him on normal days...but the sabbath is totally for Him ma...so its different...

called pple back in yf yesterday...i felt so happy hearing everybody's voice and things...but i still felt something lacking..the presence of being with them...usually i would sure be there...but this time it was different..i was just a "phone" that pple were passing around and i totally felt like i was like bothering their gathering or something...i felt like i was so extra...i've never felt this b4...there were some that were very happy i called and eager to talk to me...but the sad thing that struck to me were those that talked to me as though they are saying "ya cliff?...what u wanna say to me?..."...basically meaning "what la?!"....

abt my bball team...if some of u are reading this....all the best to the training k?..i'll return soon and continue the training with u all...hope u all are much better when i come back...but not too gd wor, or else i hard to catch up..=X..hehez kidding...i'll remember to take some "secret formulas" back to u all if i get to make any bball friends here...but i think i will feel so tiny if i go to any indoor bball court here to play...i wish i had a height of 176...its my dream height..just 4cm more..and i wont feel too tiny le...cos reaching that height..its all abt my jumping strength le...

anyways..i pen off now...gtg help my bro...moving house to the condominium tml...hehez...take care everyone..bye for now

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