?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Sunday, January 16, 2005
1/16/2005 08:32:00 AM

hey everyone...today Cliff is not the Cliff that has a very gd mood to type...i dunno y but i feel that i'm kind of rather moody since yesterday...

i went to fellowship,then i kind of felt very left out when they were talking abt Canada stuff that i had no idea abt...i felt like an outcast...i never felt like that b4...in singapore,i'm always the crap machine ma...but now its like,pple dun appreciate crap here...esp lameness...maybe these pple just dunno what are lame jokes loh...and i cant go crazy when all these pple talk so seriously...they are my age,but they talk so maturely...either mature stuff or stuff like "cool,u know that guy in sch?"...everything i wouldnt know cos i'm not from a public sch..its a total different concept...

i had to totally change the topic...but i guess that was not the thing that entirely affected my mood...it was also cos many things happened in the day...my expectations of my performance in sch were not met...and i feel like i'm struggling...philosophy is okay...but algebra and economics...economics,i'm struggling cos i miss a few lessons but the teacher is nice...so its still alright...actually everything is fine other than algebra...i'm not bad at maths...but its a topic that sometimes i dun even think is "relateD" to maths in anyway..i didnt even expect such a topic..its "proof"...proving mathematical statements and hypothesis(a statement that u try to prove its wrong or correct) whether they are true or false...i understand how to go abt doing things...but explaining my equation in english and my methods in english..is something i never thought i needed for maths..i thought maths methods should be understood and briefly explained..but now they want full elaboration..i know i'm gd at elaboration..but not with maths stuff...

i'm feeling stressed...i wanna do well...i wanna be as gd as how my bro did it...or else my mum they all sure dun allow me to choose pursuing music as my career...cos i'm supposed to do well in studies,then can be matured and qualify to say the words "i want to pursue music in future"...they are not convinced that i'm matured enough to do so yet...

there's so many things..even playing bball,pple here are all shooters,i know i'm gd at layups and stuff...but sometimes its hard playing with pple that shoot and always go in...its so discouraging,my shots are like 10 go in 6..they all is like 10 go in 10...if there is a basketball team signup...i think i wouldnt go for it...i'm not for it...

i dunno y,but recently..my confidence,self esteem,self image,motivation all has reduced and totally i dunno what has happened to me....

i went into HMV at square1 just now...my bro and benjamin went there cos i wanted to pick up my engravement thingy which i did yesterday...i reached there then remembered that my collection date is three days more..i was like "what am i doing manz"...then later we went to HMV,as its something to do with music,i should be very interested in walking in it...but once i walked in,looked around...i just walked out...i felt something "hitting" me mentally...its like pressure..but i dunno how to define it...

i suddenly thought that i really wan music,but maybe like pple said,i'm not talented enough...this is the first time it occurred to me that i dun hav the confidence to battle that emotion with "if i dare to dream,i can do it de"...but no,this time i was like "maybe they r right...maybe i'm not gd enough..."..one more thing that hit me was "r u sure u wanna do music?...r u sure u r even a potential drummer?...or r u one that just labels urself as a drummer,but actually reality is very lousy de?"...its more like stuff that someone that wants to discourage me would say...its more like...it didnt come from the real me...

i dunno,i'm just so confused...i dunno what i'm gd at...i dun even know what i want now..i feel so lost...i feel like i'm gonna breakdown...

i know the truth..the truth is God..the truth is the Word of God...i know God has great plans for me...but what are my plans?...what am i going to do to know that i'm walking on the right path?...u say prayer...but i really dunno..i'm in a state of confusion...ever since the fellowship yesterday made us ponder abt what is the truth..i know its the bible..but i mean it in a different way...

like the news,how u know everything is true?...pple can say one thing and do another thing...the media is full of lies something...esp virtual reality...what is the truth?..who is saying the truth?..who is deceiving me?...science theories can be true for one day but the next day they tell u "we have a new discovery"..pple say one thing today and another thing tml...

science here....grade 10 will teach something then grade 12 will start off with the science teacher saying "take everything taught last year as a lie"...then pple will get so confused...cos science changes with the time...something relevant and proved today as right..can be proved as wrong tml...i dun see why pple can get satisfied with just basing their beliefs in science...how far can science get u?...one thing is for sure...u cant make something by ourselves...we only can discover,manipulate and copy stuff on earth..but we can never create something totally new out of nothing...why play God?

only the bible has been seen as definitely right all these years...its the truth...and pple believe it...or they wont debate abt whats the meaning of the sentences there....now i understand why u cant get too obsessed with the world...cos the world is always changing,if u follow the crowd,u will just keep on changing too..and as u see now,the world is turning evil and "open" abt vulgarity,porn,etc..do u want to change with it?..its ur choice...ur decision affects ur destiny..now i understand it in christian terms..ur decision of who to follow is ur decision..the world or God...

the bible states "i'm the way,the truth and the life,whoever follows me will find the truth"...but buddha says "follow me and together we will find the truth"....the world says "follow me and u will continue to live on earth happily"...but can it determine what happens after death?...its only temporary...if u think u r made to just live on earth,die and perish...i dun see why u r living...

pple live their lives searching for a meaning...but once they find christianity,know the truth that someone died for them..know this is the truth...they avoid it and continue searching..then in the end they come to a conclusion "i live a meaningless life...i dun find a purpose in life to live"...its not cos u have no meaning,its not cos u have no purpose..but its cos u reject the truth...u reject to accept the will of ur life...

what i am confused totally abt is that sometimes there are false prophets in churches...some pple that preach but do not act according to what is preached...they are hypocrites..saying something and doing something out..while there are pple that distort the truth and teach false teachings...these pple can be even among us in church..so thats y i'm worried...i've yet to even understood the bible..martin luther said something like "for everything,refer back to the bible to determine whether its true"..cos its the most evident book in the world...

i dunno what i'm talking abt..i'm jsut very very confused and dunno how to explain this feeling and why...i just know that the topic of "truth VS deception" has made me do alot of thinking..i thought abt it for one hour b4 i slept yesterday..really wanted someone to talk to...but couldnt get anyone...my bro,benjamin and shuyu were snacking their way until my mum left in the morning...i slept...

i was just wondering whether everything i ever believed to be true was really true abt this world...cos the news sometimes distorts the truth...sometimes they deceive us with wrong information...really..i mean it...

then the pastor that was preaching this topic was like saying "truth is when u dun believe fictional stuff like u can do this and that...like i believe i can fly..."...but i dun agree with just this statement abt it...if i believe in miracles,i dun see what is impossibility and if i believe that dreams do come true,i dun see what is impossibility either...this is the actual "me" that went looking at musicians in HMV saying "nayz,i'm not fit for such stuff...i think i dream too much" today cos of mood swings...

i knew there was a part of coming to Canada that would be hard for me to withstand and "stand up after falling down"...i guess its really the obstacles i'm facing now...studies(minor factor)...fitting in...adapting...focusing...being different from others...and totally coming out of my comfort zone and apply what i have built up as a foundation at home to use for independent living here(major point)....the wonder they say pple mature when they go overseas and live alone..i'm glad i still have my bro,but me and him arent that close...he doesnt understand me emotionally...we even had to share feelings thru emails last time...maybe since young,we've been always keeping stuff to ourselves and not used to sharing our private and emotional lives as siblings...so thats y i find it hard to approach my bro or sis when i cry or have problems to get off my shoulders....

when my bro left,i had a hard time not having someone to talk to in my room in spore..now i left home,totally out of a place where everybody is there for me is....pple in my house...like my sis,cant adapt to going into my room,seeing an empty space and hearing no crap or lameness from me,no one to hug,no one to just bother...i guess its a time of my life that everything changing so fast...things are going to speed up now,i'm glad i'm still with my bro...but soon,we will all be divided,my sis get married..bro in university...i go for NS....have to learn how to survive independently le...esp when i'm the youngest one and step out of the house of my loving parents...now i know why my mum cried in the morning,she wanted the best for me...but still cant accept that she has to let me go at such a young age...not young actually,but being the "baby" of the house...they dun expect me to be leaving the house when my sis is still sticking so much to it...

i've been thinking alot...and i guess all i can do is calm down and remember i have God and everything should not be full of worries but being assured that God has full control of my life...haiz...i guess i should be left alone...dunno what to say le..this is what i call "crap" when u talking abt things u dun even know why u r saying them for..but i guess this is what a blog is for...just writing all ur feelings down...no planning..just directly how i feel..not too many secrets...cos i guess many have visited it once and never come le...so i'm assured that those that read are pple that take me as an importance in their lives..and are close to me de....but even if u dunno me well..this is my space..my blog"spot"...;)

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