?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Tuesday, January 25, 2005
1/25/2005 07:39:00 AM

hey everyone,seemingly no one has casted any questions for me yet...thats gd and bad....gd meaning tht i dun need to write so long...cos question+day reflection is gonna be very very long...bad cos either no one seems to be wanting to ask questions abt me or cos worst,not much pple are coming to this blog anymore..maybe i'm boring pple now...

but unlike other blogs,at least my background is white ma...or black totally makes it so dull for reading loh...feel like falling asleep...thats my opinion lar...and i dun talk abt my day like "today i had recess,recess was boring...talked to my friends...teacher didnt come today...i had a cough today...so sick manz.."...i do so much elaboration and totally u can know how my thinkings are like and totally i choose my events to say or else if i do it how majority talk abt their lives in their blog...sure bored u all to death de...hope i captivated quite alot of pple to come to read this blog at least once a week ba...or better...everyday..=X

today is the day i call "confessions" day cos quite a few pple confessed they like me today...i'm not boasting or not saying that my gdlooking or anything..but thats just the truth...i was quite shocked too...but as i guessed,quite a few girls confessed only when i left singapore...but i wont elaborate on those from singapore much...and wont disclose their names either...i never do so unless to those very close to me and know they will shut their mouths up...or else will spoil the reputation of the girls...

cos i think girls that like me spoil their reputation by doing so...dun ask me y..but my immediate reaction to someone confessing to me is "r u crazy? u must be haven seen the world...why choose me?..i'm not worth it" but i'm born with this type of very strong knowing of which girl likes me and stuff...so i dun get shocked when pple tell me that..but i just always hope its not true...cos i label pple as "bad choice" to choose me lar...maybe just poor self image lar...

and i also think girls toy me lar...i wont go into great detail abt this...but i just think they wont like me more than half a year de...or worst,not even a month loh...just infatuation or crush...so u should know how much i dun trust love at all lar...so i'm not the one usually confessing...unless i truly know that the girl likes me too...or i'll just force the liking out of me...thats me..k i wont go on abt this...wa..thats my definition of "brief elaboration"..hehez...so u should know why my compos are so long..=X

remember the girl that is indonesian and chinese mixed blood?...but she looks more like an indian but also not totally like indian lar....the one that helped me when i felt so lost in the sch and dunno what to do with my choices of taking university courses straight or AP programs...she didnt help much...but i felt very nice being with her...so u can understand why i cant accept that pple think otherwise..

it went like this,she was so nice to me last time...she was like the first "true" friend i met in sch...didnt get to be in same classes with her to further our friendship cos i dropped world history..but she did too afterawhile...but i always said "hi" to her everytime i walked past her and even talk to her quite awhile...i didnt understand why she always felt so happy when i talked to her then...but now i understand...esp when she always walks past me with a sulky face...i only understand it now...maybe i understood everything wrongly b4 loh...

i always thought she was very sociable,got alot of friends and is a very nice and sociable girl...but when i heard from my singaporeans friends on saturday that she is very irritating and weird...but i cant define that she is weird..maybe she was just playful...cos they said last semester she used lipstick on a person's shirt...everyone does stupid things sometimes ma...

and then today while i was talking to her...betty and fiona(childhood and church friends) cousin catherine ran to me when she saw i talking to her...then said something in chinese like "she flirts with guys de...and many guys scared of her..she's weird...dun talk to her"...i was like "no lar...i can handle...dun worry k?"...then jaz asked me what i was saying..i told her something like "nothing,she's my church friend...she just told me something abt church"...they are so...racist loh...i know i differentiate between chinese and indians..but i totally am open to making friends with any race loh...haiz..i feel so sad for these pple...nigerians walk by themselves in small groups of their own race...pple do talk to them...but in cantonese...like in algebra class..the hong kong pple despise them...

i guess God put me here to learn how to be independent..and not only mature,but see things and open my eyes of how the world is really like...in singapore,i didnt even realise that indians in my sch...which are a small minority...they sit by themselves...and totally feel left out and small...i do talk to them sometimes,cos i feel its unfair to like chinese with chinese and malay with malay..i wouldnt see minority of malays in my sch..cos woodlands ma..in fact the malays are sometimes even more rowdy than the chinese...

i have alot of malay friends in my sch...used to be with them always de...but had a chinese grp in sch..then this malay girl me very close with,tried hanging out with us...but they always speak chinese...its very hard for her to adapt..then me and her friendship also not gd...she also liked me cos i was nice and treated her directly like how i treat chinese...the "also" word will be explained later....she even had to like meet me on weekends and sometimes even just single me out from my grp and have time with her...i think she felt that i neglected her..but its real hard..i wished my grp would allow her to be a part too..but its just so different...

okay,this was how it was like...i know u guys will be like going "is this all ur day was abt?"....but this is what i wanna emphasize on today..it wont be boring..i can assure u that...

it was like this,i played bball after sch...she was there when i got into a fight with that korean guy on friday too...and quick recap...she headlocked me,i headlocked her back with a counter cos i teased her abt wanting to play with the guys...i didnt know what her intentions were then lar...then later she left for awhile,then me got into the "fight" with that guy...

and abt that guy,he passed me like three times today at sch...but didnt even dare to look at me...everytime he looked,he quickly just looked away....he's a coward..i really just wanted to go up to him and say "u asked me to watch out right?...i'm watching out now...what do u want manz?"...lol...but i guess as i always say..."no trouble is better than getting into trouble even if u can handle it"...there's a philosophy in china abt it too...i'm glad i created my own version of the same meaning without even knowing the philosophy first..hehez

the last time he walked pass me in sch,guoyi was like telling me "he's afraid of u manz"...lol...cos i was only using bird's eye view...while Rocco and guoyi were like staring at him...so they told me he walked pass me with a distance...cos i always thought maybe he was just holding back his anger at me...esp when i'm at my locker and he walks behind me and stop there for awhile..as if i'm gonna get hit soon...but hearing them say that....i guess i dun need to worry abt self defending myself...

he came into gym too to play soccer...but once he saw me when i jumped off the stage where pple rest...i bounced my bball and he walked out of the gym,not even looking at me...what's he so afraid of...i thought his courage was very strong that day...its true "look fear in the eye and just brush it off u"....i did that on friday and that seemed to shut him up...he's taller loh and looks more violent than me...so whats he afraid of manz..-_-" not like he knows i know thai boxing right...

ya,back to JAz...she was sitting by on the stage while i was playing bball....this is the first day she came to the bball court...and why would pple come to the gym to do her art homework?...as if it gives her inspiration with all the noise of balls bouncing on the ground..i scolded her cos she felt it was noisy and was scared of balls flying at her..but she's not even supposed to be doing her homework there...as a girl that acts tough again..she came at me like wanting to fight..i just pushed her away..its like that,if u act like a boy...i'll treat u like one...but i wont counter attack lar...i dun hit girls...unless they are really butch or tomboyish lar..

then i hated this part...everyone left...cos i was using my ball..pple from outside if they hear the sound of balls...they would come in and play too...no one cares whose ball or anything...thats what i like abt it..i just go to the court when i lazy to take my ball and play with the rest..i know most of the bballers anyways...

ya...Clara passed me her burnt cd of "green day" liao...and i passed her like 4-5 cds for her to rip into her com...the singaporeans told me that there will be a lakers match coming up soon..i wanna go!....i convinced Clara to take the 70 dollars seating with me instead of the front seats..or else i cant go...90 is so ex loh...but if she really want,then i will take 90 loh...cos i'm the person that if using money...i rather go all the way...why get half quality when u going to spend the money already?

okay back to JAz...everyone left...then she talked to me and b4 everyone left...she was already asking me to sit beside her...i knew there was something going on by how it was asked....maybe u all will think "sit beside only ma...nothing much ma..very natural"...but i am very sensitive to such tones and their meanings...so i could tell...

i was b4 that telling her that i wanna play bball..but after everyone left,she insisted that i sit with her loh...so okay loh...cos i bounce the ball also very hard to talk to her...very noisy...if u know how indoor courts are like lar...

i sat there...then she was like touching me loh...in the sense that i just sit down,then she felt my hand..and used the trick of "reading palms" to get closer to me...then later she lied on my legs...i know my legs are nice to lie on...but no..this is not appropriate...pple from outside that come in to see that scene would be thinking that wo men zai tou qin...did i hanyupinyin that well?...just meaning having lovey dovey stuff physically somewhere where nobody is...

so i was like telling her "u can use my bag u know...u cant expect me to sit here while u sleep on it right?...i'm a living thing and u making me sit here for u to sleep?..i wanna play bball"...it was a direct hint that i didnt like her doing that...so she got up and said "oh okay"...knew she got the hint lar...but i'm glad she did even though i know it was a hard first step to take for a girl...esp when she actually likes me(elaborate more on that later)...

then she started saying "okay...i'll get straight to the point..i like u"...i was like "oh okay"...

backtrack..i was playing bball when she asked my age...i did the trick of "huh?...i didnt hear u"...to act blur lar...i replied her "17 this year"..how abt u?...then she said "why do u wanna know?"...obviously wanting me to say that "cos i wanna see whether i can date u"...but i did a smart answer without thinking too long to show that i TRULY just wanted to know her age for fun..cos i dun wan to date her or anything...race does matter to me in relationships...not malays..but indians..ya,it matters...

i answered "cos i'm guessing that u are 18 or 19...so i wanna confirm my guessing"...i'm glad she later said "okay thats reasonable"...then i asked her also "then why did u ask abt mine?"...then she replied softly "i'm just disappointed that i cant date u out"...i went with the trick of "huh?..i cant hear u"...esp when i'm bouncing the ball...so i got away with it..she didnt wan to repeat it...or else i'll be caught into a bad situation...and that convinced my predictions of her saying of "sit down beside me" as a way of getting to me....

she was like telling me after her confession that "so i guess we cant talk to each other anymore"...i knew she was getting to the part of the stupid definition of saying that "being rejected causes awkwardness between two parties and they wont be friends anymore"...thats so dumb...i guess she doesnt know that it doesnt apply with me...in fact,i'm even more closer to my ex gfs and try to let those that i rejected still feel as close to me as they want to be and not even have the feeling of sadness from rejection...

but i had a hard time showing that i dun like her...cos i dun wan to see her cry or feel hurt in front of me...cos usually i rejected girls not face to face..on the phone or maybe sms or msn or even email..so it was rather hard for me...cos she is straight forward while girls in singapore are more like those shy ones and expect guys to take the first move...

i found out that my thinking is more to the western society in which everyone is ur friend and girls can date guys out and take initiatives one...cos many i dun say all lar...girls in singapore and asians supposedly want guys to take the first move..and are rather shy abt confessing their feelings de...and while singaporeans would give the face like "do i know u?..u r a stranger lehz" when i talk to them anyhow...

she was like "i wanna date u out...u r so nice(this phrase was said ever since she started knowing me..but she did it with a touch to my hands or legs this time around)...sure very nice going out with u one"...i just kept quiet..i guess i rather not reply than reply with a yes or no answer to her...cos it would be more of a "no"...unless the yes is be cos i wanna go out with pple here..i wanna hang out more..i want to see the lifestyle here...i wanna have more friends...conclusion: i just wanted to go out with her,but as a friend...so this situation was not appropriate..its a date..and i'm not interested..so i cant accept it...

i told her something like "just get over the liking...i'm not a stayer...i still have to go back to singapore after 6 mths and after that...my destination is not confirmed yet...u know i'm pursuing drums right?"...i bluffed her that i dun hav anyone in my heart now...cos i didnt wan to hurt her...i know i have to be direct in rejecting..but anytime but that time facing her...i would just do anything...just anything to ensure that she doesnt get sad or cry in front of me...

esp when she is already so sensitive that everyone takes her like a weirdo...i really wish she didnt confess...cos now i had to let her get rid of her feelings for me b4 we could really "go out"...she said she wanted to go the movies with me...i just skipped that question...i even lied to her that "its not that i dun like u...but its just that i'm not interested in relationships now..." and made a whole story abt me scared of getting into relationships...which is true and not true..in the sense that i am afraid..but if i really love someone,i would just risk the chance of getting my heart hurt...esp when i trust that girl with it..even though usually the girl disappoints me lar...

she talked abt my views on sex and everything...i just didnt know...she just gave me the feeling that she wants it there loh...esp when there's no one around..i'm not being crazy or sensitive or anything...i'm really speaking just how i felt...i just told her "i'm a christian..i believe in sex only after marriage"...then once some pple came in and see there wasnt a bball..i faster said "u want a ball?...mine's over there..."...then when she got too much into love and stuff...i kept staring at the pple playing bball...she got my hint that i wanted to play and not stay there with her...so of course i said "ok" when she asked me to join them...i had to like hang in there for like 30 mins b4 she finally left the gym...i mean hang in with all the one on one matches...cos usually i just play one or two and then rest le...but this time i had to last up to four matches...cos i'm not a shooter...so layups,i've to sprit and still have to jump and do styles...its tiring for me...thats y Rocco always say me weak...but he's a shooter manz...he can just keep on shooting on the spot...

she also bought a drink for me...dun misunderstand that i was trying to brush her off me...but its just that i want her to just go,think abt it,get rid of me as fast as possible..then we can be friends tomorrow le...or else it will give me a hard time....i guess its just a crush,infatuation,puppy love...cos she gave me her reasons of "u r nice"...and its quite obvious cos she thinks i'm gd looking..so of course she will like me..cos many pple ignore and totally dislike her in sch...

when i left the gym...Catherine was outside...so i asked her "why do pple dislike her?"...she said "cos she is weird"..then i said "why do they think so?...cos she's different"...then she said "maybe"...then she also added "guys are afraid of her cos she flirts alot too"....i asked again "cos she's different and she talks to alot of guys right?"...she nodded...then i said "its just cos she is sociable,i find her nice...and i'm not willing to accept that i cant be friends with her..i can handle..dun worry..."...she made her point..and i understood..i guess i'm learning quite well with philosophy which makes u derive to answers and interpretations very easily...

of course i know how she feels...maybe i dunno how she feels directly abt how pple find her weird..but i find it so racist loh...haiz...its just me to treat her nice...i treat everyone nice..even enemies...at least i try my best to lar...but her answer of "cos u r nice" is not satisfactory to what i think of love...most girls like me for that reason...but its not a strong enough reason to say they truly like me..so i label it as infatuation...easily crush...easily forgotten and got rid of...so i guess it wont hurt her too badly...at least i didnt show that there was any chance in us having a relationship..i usually do mistakes by doing that..and hurt the girls in rejection even more...but i guess i've rejected more than enough to know how to do it properly..

again i emphasize that i'm not boasting abt how many suitors i have..i'm just speaking facts and how i feel..and this is what the blog is abt..what i truly feel...i dun think u all would want me to write artificial stuff that i dun mean or stuff...its like a diary,just that i have to have a few secrets for my own private life,cos not only MR. blog here is reading it...

and abt her flirting defined as "talking alot to guys"...its not true...its just cos she is sociable and like me,she relates to guys more..and has more guy friends than girl friends...thats how i am too...glad to have found someone that has the same problems like me...how can pple define flirting as "talking to alot of guys"...why cant one be sociable..and why cant one like having more friends of the opposite sex?..not everyone can do that ok?...its not cos i cant relate to guys as much...but its just my nature...not meaning i have more girl hormones...but i dunno how to explain it lar...those that are the same with me,will understand...while those that arent..wont and will define it as being a flirt...so i totally understand how she feels abt pple doing this to her...

i still stick around with guys..but not those cool and beng type lar...more of those that are gd natured and treat me like their little brother...cos i'm more childish in a way..hehez...but still matured in thinking hor..dun let the looks deceive u...i may look innocent..lol

just wanna make a stand that if u see pple in sch that are the minority...dun forget abt their existence..just being one of them that are their close friends is more than enough to make them feel important...dun just stick with the chinese...i mean for the majority of u...the malays are human too..dun make them feel like outcasts....and dun describe a person that relates to the opp. sex better and talks more to the opp. sex and have more opp. sex friends as a "flirt"'....the definition of flirt is getting on very gd conditions with girls in the sense of passing the personal space...yes...thats one of them but its more like two-timing and liking from girl to girl very fastly and having multiple girlfriends in a short period...

i dun feel nice when pple define me as flirts with the rest of my grp in sch...cos most of the guys are definitely flirts in the sense that they like many girls at one time and stuff...but some of them are just like me,we relate to girls better...so we get more girl friends...we cant help that...if u force us to just stick to guys,its just like going against our human nature and our personality...

so i guess...this is a very long blog le..i wont elaborate more abt this stuff...pen off...bye;)

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