?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Monday, March 28, 2005
3/28/2005 11:53:00 PM

hey everyone..i'm here to blog le...last wednesday exams already over...now slacking until my final exam is over...one more philosophy only..but cant study..so its more like i'm slacking..cos the rest of the singaporeans haven done with exams yet...

today staying at home...not going anywhere..maybe i'll wait to see if even anyone calls me....i doubt so...other than marcus calling me,i doubt others take the initiative much to wanna call me de...its more like "Cliff will call me...i'll just wait"...

since i'm like stoning on my bed with my laptop on my lap....i'll just tell u what i'm planning to do today...slack,slack, and just slack more...maybe i'll pig out abit later..but today really no plans and same for tml..bro's got sch..even not coming back for dinner...maybe i'll just feel the absolute same way as he feels when i go out and leave him at home loh...but at least he's got company with his singaporean friend who is so reliable for company and a gf that constantly calls him and stuff...what am i?...a stone on the bed..lol

i'm like reflecting on my life...maybe how friends treat me in singapore...at times i feel very respected..cos usually i'm the leader and centre of attention when it comes to groups i go out with...but the bad side of that is that pple always think i'm cheery and think that i have no problems..an easygoing person...but i guess they dun understand something...i'm a sensitive freak...and everything u do..i ponder "what does that mean...what did that sentence imply"...correct lar..i think too much...just what literature and philosophy instils in me ba...

i miss my bball team..all boys...maybe one girl lar...no worries at all..sometimes i cant stand girls..but being in a grp in sch that has like two times amount of girls than guys usually...its a weird thing to say...its just that sometimes they can be such a burden...about their moodswings,PMS and constant worrying abt everything...can say that we guys just take one thing by one thing..tml can care abt itself manz...

maybe thats y pple always dun care so much abt me..cos i always seem alright...i help pple with problems as if there's no problem i cant handle myself....but its not true..u can advise others...but that same advice can be the one they give u when u face the same situation...just that its hard to advise urself..when ur in the situation...it just feels different..it feels as if the problem is too big to handle..but i guess u just hav to calm down,consult someone and think what is to be done ba...

once i left Canada,i knew many pple will be like "so fast go liao ar..i miss his presence in my life"...thats y i was delighted to leave..sounds bad right?..but really...it gave pple a thinking abt my importance in being a part of their lives...maybe cos i feel they always take me for granted..that when they need me..i'll always be there...but no more manz..i'm here...and if u wanna get help...send an email,find me if u can on msn or basically call me(hahaz..as if)...just wanted pple to feel my importance...not take me for granted...and dun always rely on me...go out there and be independent...its a growing step for me...and also a growing step for those close to me and always cling onto me for everything...

thinkin on my lovelife..i guess i know why i took the step of being dao towards girls when i came here...i didnt want the same things as in singapore...being friendly and end up pple call u a flirt...girls liking u(even though u hav no looks at all) and u having to reject them,which is the most hurting thing to do...cos the friendship gets hurt in the process...but basically just a self-labelled "boy toy" that i call myself..girls can like u for awhile,give up soon...and wow,a new guy is found for them to like...of course they are bored of u..CLiff,who do u think u r?...

from my history,the truth is no girl has liked me more than 2 mths...maybe they will like for awhile,then they leave..then they come back stating they like u again...what the heck manz...maybe got lar..but that was like in pri sch...a girl liked me for three years..but i dun even know her...classmates? ya...but i've never even talked to her b4...basically no understanding of my character..i dun see what other part of me can be attractive...not meaning my character is attractive lar...its annoying in fact...

been doing "why do i exist" for a topic on philosophy..maybe i can confirm my approach to answering this question is using religion...i know my purpose..but how much have i lived to fulfill my purpose?..where's my purpose...i wanna be a drummer...but no hopes so far...i'm just someone that cant be disciplined to study,have huge dreams in drums(self-labelling that my drum skills r gd..when they totally suck),cant even play bball properly...thats abt my life...christianity,studies,drums,bball...what a boring life u would say...but its real true..thats all for my life...

sorry blog,but i'm like turning u into a diary...or maybe more specifically...my pessimistic diary...but thats how i feel now...so "nothing"...pple can be desperate for steads,desperate for company,desperate for money...everything also desperate...but i cant judge them or anything...i'm a sum of them all..i'm desperate for a life...

i hope this stops soon..living day to day just stoning,mugging when studying and then have fun only when pple have time for me...u know how currency depreciates?...thats what is happening to me now...depreciating....pple told me b4 i came that "u make a difference in the lives of others"...hahaz...but now what,i dun have "others" to make a difference in...

maybe its the period that i'm asking myself this question again..what is true love?...true love is what u believe it to be and "the one" is the one u believe that she is the one...thats what my friend told me...but what the heck...i dun believe in anyone now...i've lost my trust for the world...at least girls ba...i dunno who to trust in...maybe true love occurs to everyone...but not me ba...i only deceive myself that i'm in love..but actually the truth is "u love her,she doesnt love u"...i feel loss for words now ba...i'm talkig rubbish..yeah..i know..."what u talking abt..u always talk rubbish my friend"...

maybe this is the problem with loving pple too much and caring too much..they take u for granted..but little is returned...maybe its unconditional love and care i'm trying to give...but have u spared a thought that pple have feelings..they want at least a bit back...even a thank u makes a big difference rather than "wow,u r nice"...i know i'm nice...but that way of responding is the way to just tell me that u r taking me for granted...

i find it true abt something..i lack love...love that i can get is from my parents and siblings..but i dunno why..i dun relate to them that way...they think i'm wild,but i wish they could see the part of me tat is struggling with the wildness in me just to be the kind of "good" boy that want me to be...

everyone seems to be getting love in the LEE family...except for me...my bro and sis were in relationships that were so solid...my bro's lasting from sec four until now..my sis had a choice of choosing that guy or going on with life and meeting a even better guy...they have lovers that are willing to do anything for them...i am such a lover...but no one will ever be willing to do such a thing for me ba...its true..i know...i'm not worth it...

my parents,sis,bro all having true love..i'm one year above sec four and i've not been in a serious or stable relationship b4...not lasting more than two mths...now even my closest cousin has one that lasted three mths le...its pure childish jealousy im having i guess..everyone will answer "its just not ur time yet my dear..."...but when is?...looking at the cycle of love in my life...

girls are so typical when it comes to liking me..."whoa..shuai ge"(what the heck..i'm so ugly..do u have a speck of dust in ur eye?"..."he's so nice"(thats y in the end i'm gonna dump him and throw all faults at him...and i know he wont even retaliate,cos his conscience wont allow him)..."i love u too"(hahaz..sounds so real..sounds like in the movie...but not reality for me...as one mth later..they will say "i think we just dun work out..the feeling has just disappeared..i cant force myself to like u anymore..wth")..."i really like u like crazy"(crap manz...cos one week later i reject..some can go "i can find a better guy than u..dun worry..i've not even started liking u" when one week b4,they were like so desperate "i'll wait for u to come back from CAnada..i dun wan to lose this opportunity with u")...know why i call myself a boy toy already right?...

okay...enough of pessimistic stuff....i'll end off here...have a happy life in singaporek everyone?...dun be like me...

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