?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Thursday, August 10, 2006
8/10/2006 07:56:00 PM

hey everyone...coming back for a new entry to this blog again....been awhile...been busy...office work aint easy..the mental stress is high especially when u r dealing with stuff thats suppose to be like secrets and top secrets...cant handle them anyhow..have to handle them with extreme sensitivity..and once in awhile...to cover for visits from other countries...their generals come over and visit...being a photographer for SAF...never been gd with photos nor cameras...

actually i hate using cameras...unless its like taking photos with that dear gf of urs...that was fun...but other than that...rarely u see me with a cam or anything...or else i wouldnt be in the only one in my family that doesnt want having camera or anything too much to do with photos...

okay..i've been on two occasions a photographer for SAF liao...both were embarassing...the first one was okay..i was just like aiming the cam at this officer then was trying to press the button...then he smiled and then said "u can take photos...but u have to take off the lens cover first"..i was like blushing red(if i could do so..obviously my face doesnt blush..and i dun get embarassed)...but it was just stupid..

second event...i was like introducing myself to this high rank officer...i said "hi..my name is Cliff"...then he didnt reply then helped me adjust my collar...okay..i was wearing a shirt...a formal shirt..not pattern pattern one...and was wearing a tie too...with formal pants and formal shoes..what a sight...Cliff in formal clothes...usually i would do so...but only like on weddings or else it would be only semi-formal...shirt with jeans and shoes...

my collar was flipped up due to the fact that i didnt have to wear a tie no more...it was just embarassing due to the fact that i like didnt know how to look right on such an important occasion..a visit from generals of the indonesian army...

nvm...to think that was bad enough...this photographer said my hand shakes alot when i take photos...and it can be seen in my photos..but what the heck..i dun see anything...to my naked eye..its like perfect...maybe to the normal person..shaked means blur...to them shake means a little blur or something...a blurness that normal ppl are not sensitive to...

okay..lets talk abt today...was developing photo..and i was choosing photos for this four generals...and i ended up choosing photos correct for three of them...but the fourth one was not the general that i was suppose to develop photos for...okay...he was not a general..he was only a high ranking officer...so i chose the wrong guy...but they just look all the same...and different occasions..they give different spastic smiles...cant blame me for cocking up the show at last min...

the problem was we were in a rush to develop photos...firs ttime i argued with a kodak film developing manager that i only could give him 30mins to develop the photos...not his claimed 1 hour...then he like say 40mins..then i was like saying.."no...30mins"...

cos these generals are leaving on a ferry in 40 mins...and i needed time space for sorting out the photos...and luckily...time for choosing a few other photos if i chose wrongly...

my officer was like "with ur own judgment..choose the photos for me...i cant be there when u choose...but after u develop..i'll hope u sort out"...i knew something was going to be wrong...especially when i had no damn idea which general was which...

then later when re-choosing the fourth general photos...i just found out that during the whole visit...i was not taking photos of the right person...which made me panic when i saw few photos of that other general...but was relieved when i found that he was the lower ranking officer of them all...so logically...i could give him less photos than the rest of himself...

okay..i just cocked up the show and felt damn stressed abt it...cos dealing with such generals and making them late for ferry or not taking the photos well...would give them a bad impression of Singapore and SAF...

been like thinking about alot of things...music-wise...i'm just waiting for a chance to shine...a drummer is nothing without a band...i wish i was a frontman that plays guitar...then everyone would badly need me...not meaning drummers arent needed as much lar...but just meaning i could go solo if i couldnt form a band...now i'm just waiting for one...currently in one with Singapore Idol Norman...waiting for guitarists and bassists to join and complete the band b4 performing locally...

but we are also waiting for Singapore Idol finalist Joakim to drop out of the competition..cos Norm said he may not sing well..but he's gd at keyboardist...but i mean...with his voice...i cant believe he went so far..Joakim is a joke...i think other than looks...he has nothing much..its an act altogether...but i guess thats what singapore idol is about..its not entirely only on ur voice...when pple that vote for the guy contestants are mostly girls that fall in love with their looks...and thus,is blind to thinking their voice is gd too...

love-wise...i dunno y...but i've felt recently that i'm attracting the wrong age grp of girls...maybe its not wrong..but maybe its just me...okay...so girls that look at me now are mostly older than me...clubbing,girls think i'm older than i am..like twenty plus...in public...girls that openly stare at me look like they r in their late twenties..or early twenties...i dunno...but maybe thats how i am..

anyways,since young..i've liked older girls better...somehow...its quite natural for me to like a girl older than me...months or years likewise...its just that mostly i ignore that feeling last time..and tell myself i dun wan a girl older than me...thats why minority of my ex r younger than me...or else it would all be older...i'm not sure what i want either...

so i'll just stick to being single and unavailable...anyways,i dun wan a gf now...or maybe forever...still trying to find what i really want...maybe this period of time in Singapore can tell me what type i want..or the feeling will just strike with the right one...

i also dun wan one now due to the fact of not being able to hold onto distant relationships....so i'm not gonna hurt another girl with breaking up with her overseas...i've had enough of distant relationships...two is enough...and since i'm very sure my future is in Canada...thats why i will find the girl of my dreams...even though i dun dream much abt the perfect girl...in fact,none at all..

in fact,i feel that i'm a threat to girls...i dun wanna go into a relatioship until i get back the Cliff how i used to be...going into a relationship now...for one thing...i'll just hurt her...i've forgot how to love for quite awhile...the Cliff now only cares abt music,himself and friends...sadly...

thinking back on how in love i could be last time..it just is different...its been so long since i've really known the real feeling of loving unconditionally and really being a sweet bf to my gf...maybe ever since sec two or even earlier...to me,i've maybe been hurt to an extent to think there's no such thing as romantic and chi-qin love...get real manz...and maybe also because ever since i started not being so lovey dovey to my gal...i can hold onto them longer...sometime loving too much aint gd...as a guy..to me...i think the girl should love the guy more...or just be the one that doesnt love as much....or else if the love imbalances to ur side having more love for that person...u will just be most probably the one that gets hurt...

maybe i just need to grow up..want to come to a point that i end up maybe not having to like older girls...maybe i'm just at an age that i find girls my age immature...and somemore...girls grow older faster...i shouldnt get too old a girl for a spouse for life...

u know when do u get matured?...the moment u can tell urself honestly that u r childish...thats the moment that u get matured...thats what i realised...cos self-realisation shows growth totally...if u do things without realising how u actually r and living in self-denial...like example,ur not extremely handsome..just handsome...but think ur extremely handsome...u need a reality check...only till then...then u have really understood urself to say that ur matured...i dun deny that i'm just an average-looking guy..just that u need the confidence...once u have it...u will come out more charming than u actually are...dunno abt girls...but i know for guys...girls like a confident guy...

i mean if u arent confident..if i were a girl...i would feel insecure with u..cause being a girl..usually u r not confident of making big decisions...the guy takes the lead...if he aint confident..how would u feel secure and feel confident abt doing so...like,how would it feel if ur guy aint confident but encourages u to be confident..it aint convincing..i'm working on it myself..

but anyways,i'm still so young for relationships...i dun worry much...and i dun worry even if i dun get married...love is all around manz....imagine if u r for example getting married at 25...i'm like 18...ur gonna date for 7 years?...know how hard it is to hold on for so long?...i know roughly...and to me its like...crazy...

anyways,i'll end off here..just felt like talking cock...not caring whether maybe pple are gonna read it...but just caring that i got these thoughts out of myself...writing is gd sometimes...dun keep everything bottled up as only thoughts...it may help others or even relieve urself...better than talking to urself i guess..hehez...

okay...cya guys around...

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