?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Tuesday, March 06, 2007
3/06/2007 11:36:00 PM

hey ya everyone. back for another entry. seems like the past few entries were quite complainy and in fact quite pessimistic sometimes. i guess its time i get back to myself and stop complaining about my life and bein negative about everything and get back to discussing thoughts in my minds thru the week.

it feels weird that i used to have alot of galfriends,then i was looking thru my contact list in my phone a few days ago cos one of my closer galfriends that i usually ask out is back in China for holidays. its like i went thru the whole list without knowing who to ask out and who to spend time with. then i realised many of my galfriends have either become attached or are just the ones i no longer wish to go out with. maybe i need to know more girls=X and NS isnt helping much.

to think about it, since i've always been the type that circulates around friends and squeezes my time for each of them, i dun really have "concentrated" ones in which i can just ask out anytime other than the "scheduled" time each week or something. maybe i can do more "asking of them out" but i guess i'm just not that type. especially with guy friends.

CNY this year was damn boring. it gave me a feeling like i dun hav any friends anymore, cos i didnt want to do so much visiting but use the holiday for going out, while all friends visiting and everything. but it was just weird, the atmosphere this year was wrong. maybe cos i was spending it with pple i see almost every month or something. to me, CNY's all about seeing pple u dun see much in the year except for such an occasion.

i've been thinking about my dreams lately too..i guess at my age and what i am going to do next, its fast speed downslope once i enter university and the future is in my hands to control what i want to do for life. its like everyone knows i wanna do music, going to university just to honour my parents and get a degree that will stabilise my life and earn the investment i need to make in this music dream of mine.

okay,so i've been thinking much abt my music dreams, but thinking abt how to go about it, its gonna be hard. especially the christian way. pple that do ministry for life just seem to have to count on God everyday for the required money to live on and everything. my mum struck me when i said this childish dream of mine to organise a band for worship purposes almost every month to different parts of the world. she said how could i possibly do ministry and expect to earn money at the same time for life. but i guess its what we do for life, so if its career-based,i dun see why pple wont support u if they even love the idea.

its like if i go the secular way,how long can i sustain as an Asian out there. its like i can start in Canada but i'm still yellow. sometimes i blame myself for being chinese. but of course not when u think of all the chinese babes out there..=X i like chinese girls but hoping they can understand english too lar. or else its gonna be hard.

okay. enough about dreams. i'll just have to rethink it again and again. it just sucks to have to face reality that its time we start thinking about our future and what we r gonna do with our lives during this period when u have to choose the subjects or whatever passion u want to concentrate on. but i'm glad i'm not following the crowd and just deciding while moving. thats never gd enough.

if u read my blog, i guess all i can talk about is my three priorities, prioritised in this manner, God, Music, then Girls....

so i guess i'm going on to Girls now. =X

its so weird that all ur friends around u are getting attached and u are strongly clinging onto the idea of being single. especially when some of these girls actually liked u alot and still like u but because they cant persuade u to enter a relationship with them, they find security,love and comfort in someone else's hands.

i mean the possibility of me going into a relationship is like 20% now..and thats only if some girl can come around and actually persuade me that its worth it for her that i give up my personal single freedom, which i just love too much. and the possibility even if i go into a relationship now,to stay in it, is like only 5%.

singlehood is just too gd to be wasted going on a relationship and losing it. maybe at least for me. of course u will always have the feeling of wanting to get attached and sharing ur life with someone out there,but knowing u might hurt that person in the process of companionship by not committing ur whole time to her,u had rather not do so.

okay. i'm not as different as any guy out there. i do look and ogle at girls, and i do have desires and fetishes. my biggest one being i like older girls while i prefer girls to be at least my age for dating. but i guess its no big deal that i have fetishes for older girls,especially when i grow older and maturity between guys and gals almost equal out already.

i know pple that actually go on a relationship just for companionship,like replacing that "no friends" feeling with "at least having a bf" feeling. but that aint gd, especially when u rely on ur other half too much, u build ur world around him or her, then it collapses when she/he most likely feels too controlled by u and feels like they have their own life to live, and it doesnt only consist of u. thats real selfish of one to do, going into relationships for this kind of reason.

i always thought okay, maybe no serious relationships. but how about flings or just scandals. i guess its not possible, cos the way things go with me, either i take it lightly or the other party takes it lightly, u cant have both parties taking it lightly, especially when jealousy comes so often. i dun see how "ang mohs" do it by just, what i call it is "hit and run". =X or just "hanging around but not taking it seriously". its hard for a devotee like me to do such things.

maybe i just prefer to stay single now cos there's no one i've seen that i've even wanted to date out seriously. the previous dates i've had, i think they went well, but the problem lied with me as i guess i'm too picky or just act picky cos they're worth my giving up of singlehood.

i guess due to some reason. i've lost my charms already and guess like what others say "i'm losing my touch". sounds like some playboy ya. but i dun qualify to be one. especially when i take things too seriously most of the time. a thinker always gets into alot of situations cos of his thinkings that make him stray awy from the actual situation to cause a misunderstanding or a "thinking too much" situation, which scares those that practically dun think at all. just "do-ers".

and i guess i know the reason behind this. i may be always giving girls this sense of insecurity due to the way i take things so lightly in a relationship. i might be emotional and "chi-qin" but most of the times nowadays i try not to take things too seriously and because of the struggle for single freedom in a relationship, cause the other half to feel like i'm not really into it at all. especially when girls need to be secured at all times.

it all sums down to the way i see things in life. realised something about me. watched a couple of korean movies recently. okay ya. its unbelievable but love stories kind.

i always disliked such lovey dovey stuff cos to me love is not so dramatic and stuff. at least i disliked chinese love stories. but korean movies do relate to me well. and it discovered my biggest weakness and why i treat love and girls now like this. even how i treat friends and almost everyone in every situation.

okay. i've been watching two korean movies called "my girl & I" and "my sassy girl".

i'll start chronologically. okay this word "chronologically" sounds wrong as pple always use it when they ask about my "gf" history. =X

my sassy girl = okay..if u watched it, its like these two lovers that they are deeply in love with one another. at least the guy was. crazily in love. the girl confessed one day that they should separate for two years and that she has always been like taking him as a replacement for the previous bf she lost.

okay. basically, separation from the a very very close person, and in this case, the love of ur life. i've grew up with feelings of fear in separation. i just realised it can be the greatest fear that has instilled this "taking relationships,regardless of friends or lovers, lightly" and with the mindset that u will have to separate sooner or later, so dun take it too seriously or u only will hurt urself worse.

being one with music dreams that needs to leave for it wherever i can pursue it. i guess its a commitment to it that i cant commit to others. like best friends, i used to have many in pri sch. but knowing i always have to leave them some day and its gonna hurt badly if u took it too seriously, never took any friends to the "best friend" level anymore. rather have many than have just concentrated " a few".

that explains why i dun take relationships as seriously as others. its like cos i'm a player which pple may easily misunderstand or because i dun seriously love that person. but because of fear of separation that i try not to go too deep into feelings for that person.

not meaning every relationship of mine was like that. but because of some of them i actually went deep, i regret now especially when those were the ones that failed badly and i was dumped badly. thats another fear "fear of rejection".

i'll go on to the next movie "My girl & I".

its like about a girl that knows she has leukemia, so wishes to spend her remaining time with the guy she likes alot. its like really very touching that she cant control her emotions and just hopes to spend the remaining days with him knowing that it wont be for long and that she's dying soon.
the guy doesnt know about the sickness, but when he does, he cant accept it and they vow to be living in each other lives even if it means away from each other in different worlds. life and death issue.

this created a fear in me rather than me already having it. but also somewhat about separation. i guess thats why i related so well to these two shows that it almost got me crying. but i held it in. i mean what if u knew u loved someone and so young,the person is already going to have to leave u. Leaving u continue to love her, without her in ur life. i think its real sad.

maybe i used to avoid such love stories, cos i cant face the facts that such things actually happen. maybe i used to dislike such movies, cos i always hope love isnt like that. but it is, and it bloody well is. guess its gonna create even more hesitation for me to go into a relationship.

but i can say because of such fear, i've not put my best into relationships or friendships b4, not cos i'm a player again, but cos of the fear or hurt.

okay. i'll stop here..letting u guys know too much abt the soft side and inner details about myself. see i even try to hide details of my life from pple because of being afraid i get too close to someone, knowing they might have to leave someday, or most probably me leaving them.

thanks again for those that actually are reading this. thanks for the time in trying to understand me. cos again, its hard for me to really have the time and patience to read other pple's blog,but u did it for me. i'm thankful.

God bless. pen off.

yellowcard