?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Thursday, April 26, 2007
4/26/2007 01:07:00 PM

hey everyone. back for another entry. first thing first, do "scream" in my shoutbox if u do visit. i wanna know how many pple actually come. dun like just hearing pple say "hey. i read ur blog" or just talk abt stuff they knew from my blog. its not gd enough and encouraging enough. not that its abt pple that i write this blog for. its just for airing my head of stuff stuck within that wishes to come out. but not just to one person, but to everyone that can benefit from it.

noticed that my blog used to be like my life in Canada. not so much now. it used to be like my complainy self abt how life is. but nayz. truly, i want it to be just me. just my thoughts. whatever i have to say at this very moment. or inspirations thru the week that i just have to share with the world. wish i could share it thru music. just waiting for a chance.

its like ever wondered how pple always have a saying of "i cant smile, its hurting inside." or "i cant smile, its gonna be fake, cos i'm really depressed inside and i dun wan to put on a show". sometimes u also think what the heck, why are u always putting a strong front when u r actually collapsing inside. thats what u say to pple. but ever wondered there might be a gd thing abt it?...okay. i do wonder that way too. but i guess there's another point of view. learnt sadly from how i went thru NS and all the stupid sergeant training and stuff.

its like hard to smile when u see ur world falling apart. to me then it was like hard to even go on each day. routines everyday, just getting worse. without anything to look forward to other than ur passing out parade which doesnt mean the end either. just means its a new phase of suffering. especially if ur next location wasnt gonna be better. mine was like Basic military sch, leadership one, so went thru it at a very fast pace. wasnt raelly hard. but thought after it, life was gonna be better. but i just found out in my next posting, i was going to leadership sch at SISPEC (school of specialists). just meaning sergeant or NCO course lar, to those that haven gone thru Army but know all abt NPCC and NCC. let me tell u, thats all crap. nothing compared to army at all.

so it was hard, but i finished it too. even with my injury. then went on to a place called Combat engineers. its like even more sucky. heard the life as a combat engineer in the army is not difference being a bangladeshi construction worker. just that ur pay is almost as pathetic as them. or even lesser. lowest paying workforce manz. dun say i'm a working adult, more like service to country at the minimum.

so ya. it was indeed hard to smile. while being a more girls' kind of guy. in the sense that my gfs are more than my bfs. ya, for all u thinking crookedly now, friendship type k. it was just hard to really get along with alot of guys there. more like forced to. u just gotta face them, even if they are horny,irritating or worse pathetically emotional idiots. cos its not gonna help u. it will just pull ur spirits down.

i chose a way of doing more solo-ing in my NS days. just count on myself. maybe in BMT i still made alot of friends. but later knowing that these few close friends wont stay forever. u just get distributed every mth until u settle in ur own unit after all the school trainings, i found no use of really making genuine friends. just more casual and those kind that u can use when u need help. thats all i seeked.

yea. back to the "smile" philosophy i'm talking abt today. its real hard to. in fact u feel emotionally depressed and cry more than smiles. other than stupid things other bunkmates do lar.

but really, i wouldnt say it was that bad. came up with very gd philosophies during that time. more like christian related encouragements and stuff. these are a few. maybe those going to NS soon might need them. found it very useful. always there in my notebook that i take down notes and stuff. but mostly writing to myself. and my journal :

- If pple can go thru it, with God, u can do it too and even better than them.
- No matter how things get, its not hell, its gonna be over.
- Persevere. its gonna be hard, but the harder it gets, the stronger you'll be.

something like that lar. its like i had alot. but ya. this is what i remember. too lazy to go and dig up my shit to find that journal. its more like just a book i wrote my heart out to. but not to reflect upon.

but life's better now that i've been in MINDEF. its like so civilised and a working environment i really find delight in everyday. its easier to live this way. just still have a struggle getting back my life i lost to NS.

but my "smile" philosophy is this. even if its like terribly hard to smile. at the worse of situations. it might sound spastic or sadistic or anti-situation. but really. try to smile. especially if u need to cheer urself up and need a spirit uplifting, knowing that things still have to go on no matter what has happen. just really smile.

i tried it b4. its like really feel very down. its hard to smile and u will think its fake. but dun give a damn abt what pple say. just smile. it really helps. try it sometime. trust me. it works. it worked miracles for me. it was what helped me go on with everyday no matter how bad things seem.

and NS might seem like okay to some of u all. but to a freedom lover like me. its like almost equivalent to taking my life away. and i had major screw ups. cant lead properly because of being too nice, i cant be that "shouting, strict and demand authority" type of guy a leader in such organisations need. and not taking any of the stuff seriously was my major screw up. i couldnt be bothered. so ya, it got to me. hard.

but i would say NS is only okay to a fitness freak physically. i had no problems there. but mentally it can drive u crazy sometimes. coming out on weekends. cabbing everywhere u go. knowing u cant waste a single minute doing nonsensical things. and imagine planning ur weekend the whole week. with it going by just in a minute, and u have to book in back to camp again. and the whole routine again. suffering and "sianzation"...

and it will be okay to u if u didnt have a life anyways. if u find u really like it lar. cos u might find a life in it. and thats why i guess pple sign on nowadays. cos its not a golden rice bowl anymore. u can get sacked anytime. pay's gd. but u will find in time. u have become a slave to the army.

thats all i gotta say. really try smiling. it helps. =)

tc guys. pen off.

yellowcard