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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
5/22/2007 07:29:00 PM

yoz everybody. its been awhile. like a month now. hmmm... just trying to accumulate stuff to say in my mind to say out into this blog. got so much, but i dunno how to start. life's been pretty fine lately, but thats the problem. its too fine. and maybe i think its fine. when its not fine.

today i'll touch on nothing but girls. nothing about God or music as priorities but straight to the third interest in life. Girls. hmm..sounds kinda boring. but ya, i'm straight. i love the way they r. its an addiction to guys abt girls. even how much i say they dont affect me. they do. in a very big way in fact.

my perspective as stated in my blog always. being single but unavailable. how is that possible is that u have crushes on girls but u take it as an infatuation and it goes away. but i guess no harm. cos i believe it wasnt true love in the first place. or else there's no such thing as "goes away" after a period of time.

i cant commit. i dunno what i want. i cant be the best bf i want to be for the girl of my dreams. i'm too hurt by the past to go on with the present with another relationship so soon. i'm too young for a relationship. i'm going to Canada soon, so it aint responsible for me to get a girl now. and in abt a years' time, go off to where i wanna go, and not come back forever. i'm not gd with distant relationship, so i rather not start one at all.....

a full paragraph of excuses for being single. the list can go on. they are all true to a certain extent. but whether its just a matter of runnin away from reality and the fact of getting hurt again. maybe its just a bunch of excuses as how "Excuses" mean in definition.

sometimes its contradicting, u can say this and do that. not because u're a hypocrite. but maybe u should think it this way. u dun understand urself. u wanna do it that way, but u say u want to do it this way. paranoia i know. but yesh. there's so many things in life that collide. u say u wanna live forever, but when u meet with old age, u rather die. u love this girl to the core, but using loser mentality and think u will never get her or own her. i dun wan to drink, beer sucks. u drink more, ur used to it, and it becomes a way of life, a way of destressing, a way of RUNNING AWAY FROM REALITY.

ever thought how many things in ur mind u think this way, but its cos subconsciously ur running away from something, but u thought ur just like this. this is how i am. i'm born like this. there's no such thing as i'm born like this. u can change anything u want. the CHOICE i say is in ur hands.

okay. i'm going too much psychological and philosophical or something, drifting away from my topic of GIRLS.

basically, i think my mindset of not wanting to commit has so many excuses but excuses like wanting to be single. is due to excuses of "not wanting to go into a relationship and find urself in the crisis of not knowing how to deal with it". excuses like "not wanting to commit" may be either like due to excuses of "not wanting to commit and get hurt in the end" or "i still want to be a player and play around more". mine's the first. okay. maybe its both. cos as i said, how much can u say u understand urself.

how many situations have u been in with the opposite sex that later u realise "what the heck was i doing" or "why did i do that" or "why did i react that way". truly. the human mind is a very complicated thing. thats why i'm afraid taking psychology in university might drive a paranoid and thinker like me crazy thinking abt everything in life with psychology. and the shows like "Basic Instinct" and "23" and some things that have happened in life recently to me aint helping much.

okay. i'm drifting away from my topic of GIRLS. but ya. i think this is more interesting to talk about. let me put down the events and shows in pointers first. in case i lose my trace of thought and then forgot what to say.

-Basic Instinct
-23
-The couple opposite my block
- and back to the topic of GIRLS and something i discovered that i feel for them alot.

okay. for those who watched the movie, Basic Instinct, already. i will tell those that haven. its something like a psychologist helping some patient abt some problem. but due to tbe way the patient knows how to play around with the mind. the psychologist ends up having a problem to deal with, with the patient manipulating him with the problems and end up going insane himself. this is Basic Instinct 2 i'm talking abt anyways. i will try to find the first movie some other time.

but the i liked the way Sharon Stone said "I dunno whose the patient and whose the doctor". and she's hot in the show. okay. the show is something abt seduction lar. but ya. its just scary. cos i'm gonna be a psychologist(before i become a musician) and i dun want to be driven crazy pursuing such an interest.

while the movie "23" is about obsession with the number 23. with every thing happening in life to be associated with a certain number. scientifically proven to be a number that most things can be added up to. some special number or something. just states the obsession one can have with a certain something. i think it can happen to anyone. even an obsession with a certain somebody. it can drive u to kill and everything. and i believe in such things. the human mind is a very weird thing. and i dunno how subconsciously we r affected by the things around it.

as one that believes everything happens for a reason. like if someone's a deaf since young, it maybe inherited from one's parents or due to some "overage" sex or due to some incident. and if someone has fear for something, its not something u were born with, it was due to something that happened b4. i believe no one is negative or positive without a reason. its the things around him or her that affects how he or she is like.

and insanity is not something hard to happen, if u dun take care of ur mind properly, i believe it can happen rather easily. especially pple that cant control their emotions and their lives properly. another worry of being a psychologist = maybe as a thinker, i think too much and already have too much at mind nearing insanity, what more thinking more scientifically and factually and in-depth. in addition maybe other pple's insanity is ur problem.

recently, okay maybe just a few days ago. it was a Sunday. so that makes it like two days ago. i was woken up from my sleep. there was shouting in Chinese like "You're not a man. You're not a man". okay. it sounds funny in english. but its more like meaning u dun have what it takes to be a man or questioning the guy's masculinity. but this seemed more like questioning whether he was man enough to take care of his wife.

Cos the screaming...came from his wife.

it was like one block away. i was woken from my sleep by it. imagine how loud that is. my block is not directly beside it. it had some distance. my window was closed. and aircon forced me to sleep soundly. it was crazy. now even thinking of it. i dunno whether to cry or to be in a state of confusion and paranoia. i dunno manz. but i know i cried at church abt this. i couldnt accept the reality of it. okay back to the story.

i woke up and the screaming was deafening and very extremely loud. the whips were too. i got up and looked thru my window, opened it. and directly across. i saw a guy taking something very huge. it looked like a whip but looked much thicker than that. and the sound of it whacking i dunno what. was louder. just with every whip. the lady cried out very loudly. i believe that would be his wife. very young. i believe he is in his twenties.

i dunno how to explain what i heard. but i just couldnt believe i was not dreaming or anything of this is actually happening. the whips seemed very very pain. and the guy that was whipping the lady, seemed as if he was nuts, and that he didnt feel at all the pain the lady is feeling. and with vigorous actions, he continued whipping over and over again. i dunno. to me, this only happens in the cinema. i couldnt believe my eyes. i dunno. now talking abt it, i dun feel quite well either.

how can u actually whip the one u love. thats something i'll never understand. but i ran to my mum's room, my parents were like, its not the first time. and this is very normal. many couples after marriage go thru fights and everything. imagining myself doing that. i think that day. i'm not Cliff. dun call me Cliff. call me Crazy.

but thinking abt it, maybe there are really such instances that girls can drive a man mad that the man cant control himself anymore. cos after the whole incident, he was outside his unit, like crying or just not believin what he did. i dunno. but i think it shocked me very badly. now looking out my window, just get flashbacks of such things. and i guess children growing up with parents doing that, might be subconsciously impacted to do the same.

thru these revelations, it seemed to me, insanity isnt like, ur born with it. its more like its a possibility to happen to u. so Thank God everyday u arent. its scary. watch Basic Instinct 2. u will get what i mean. psychologists in fact are suppose to be rational and very mentally stable pple. but i guess no one is.

my fourth point is about something i discovered about girls. Self-mutilation seen in another way.

to many pple, at least many guys. its stupid to cut urself and everything. its childish to do so. the only reason we can state abt it is that the girls are stupid enough to do it. i used to be like that too. but recently, got to make friends with a few girls that actually do that.

sometimes, its easier said than done to avoid stuff like self-mutilation, drugs, smoking and stuff that to u, is very unnecessary and maybe very easy to avoid. but ever thought why some pple do it. partial insanity i would say. its a psychological attack to someone. and we should show sympathy for such pple instead of condemning them as hopeless or just have nothing better to do with their lives.

to us, it may seem like "these pple complain so much. they dunno how to appreciate their lives. they deserve it.". but that aint true. to everyone negative and in a depress state, to others, it may seem that their lives arent as bad as it seems. but to a person himself or herself, its a growing phase and different pple can take different level of pressure. what is stressful to me, may not be stressful to u, but that doesnt mean its not stressful to me. u get what i mean.

girls that self-mutilate i say to me would most probably fall under the "bad breakup with bf and a drastic breakdown that it caused upon them that they cannot handle" or "abuse by parents or someone that causes them to feel like they are some slave or something not important in life".

it just made me think, how many times have i broke up with a gf causing her to an extent of self-mutilation? or bad enough, a deep state of depression due to not handling the relationship well and end up backing out and deceiving the girl in a relationship that u truly loved her but break up badly with her in the end cos u made a mistake.

i say that, that would be the biggest and most logical reason that i dun go into a relationship. without knowing how much it can prevent a girl from getting hurt that way b4. one of my excuses would be "i dunno what i want in a girl, too young to decide, so i cant say i really love a girl, it would be irresponsible unless i know she's really for me, at a mature age with a stable thinking and realization of what i really want in a girl".

i guess thats the best excuse due to wanting to be single. even since i discovered how much guys can affect a girl's life in a breakup and a relationship and vice versa. its really an eye-opener. even though i cant stand self-mutilators. but now, all i want is to help them, but dunno where to start. i guess by keeping single especially when i know myself to be not ready for a relationship. i'm not gonna deceive a girl that i am.

humans are emotional pple, but girls r very very emotional compared to guys. maybe as guys, we'll never understand. when girls themselve dun understand why they are so sensitive. but as a SNAG, i wouldnt say i'm not half as sensitive or emotional as them. or since i dun understand how sensitive or emotional they r, maybe i'm not even half ba.

so a thought for u guys reading this, thanks for being patient and reading thru this crap. just had to share it. the thought is think abt life more and the more u live, the more u will find out the life ahead, aint as easy as it seems. in fact, its harder and more complicated than it seems.

God bless guys. pen off.

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