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Thursday, October 25, 2007
10/25/2007 04:52:00 PM

been like two months plus since i've really blogged here? hey guys once again. Cliff's back. whether its crap or facts of life he's gonna talk about, we'll wait to see about that. cos i have the urge to write about my life. but not sure where my thinking will take me. lets just use the normal saying of "let nature take its course". i'm not gonna choose what topic to talk about. but just basically stuff that is "Cliff-fied".

i'm so glad i'm done, okay, almost done with NS. cant believe i went thru like two years of it and six months of shit in the jungle and stuff. to think about it, yeah. i cant believe i went thru that. but yeah. its over. and like pple said, bad things, u look back and u feel a sense of achievement that u made it thru all that shit and came out a better person, or at least survived it to be what u are now. i wouldnt say i gained much from the NS experience but i did meet pple i wouldnt forget forever.

yesterday was my last working day. i just need to go back on my ORD(Outrun date,aiya just meaning dismissal from army service) and do some clearance and get back my pink IC and i'm out of there.

not sure what i really want to do then, or u can say, now. yesterday met up with Marcus, was trying quite hard to get back on terms with him as a close cousin. it didnt feel the same, maybe because he's abit different now, but ultimately, he's still my cousin and i'll always love him. hope he will start asking me out more. and myself too.

cos b4 finishing NS, i was thinking who r really my true friends and who i could spend more time with once i'm done with this NS commitment.

starting NS, u get used to how ur life is taken away. given an 8-5pm job after u somewhat unwillingly gave ur life to the country, u seek life again, which is not easy. maybe its easy after 6 months to go back to ur friends. but maybe my problems of social circle already started when my high school(Poly/Jc Stage) friends are all around the world. and none have come back here with me. most moved on straight to university. so u can say ya, i made them for nothing. other than maybe seeing them next time in the university i go to. but maybe just that few i guess. and guess what, they'll be year three. they already moved on with their lives. just like those that have moved on when i was away in Canada with their Poly friends.

its not easy being kinda of confused of what u belong to. but i guess i've always been like that, i belong to every group i end up in. dun stick to just one. unless they really treasure and continue to remember me. like my sec sch group. as close as ever.

but my main thinking was "do i have a best friend. or even a close friend" that i can rely on whatever i go thru. just one would do. the answer is "no". i have many close friends. but no specific one that is really close. but cant blame anybody. thats how i chose my life to be. no commitment to anyone. maybe only to a serious gf, but in the long run, still have problem commiting and end up running away.

for those that have really nothing better to do or really interested on this kind of person i am. check out the website www.wikipedia.org and search for "fear of commitment". i'm that kind of person i guess.

i just came across it when i was looking up "psychology" topics in that website. u can find all kinds of things pple upload there. but not everything is true. those pple that upload things there are like u and me, just opinionated i guess. so its up to u how much u trust.

and a few weeks of ORD, i was just thinking "do i really have a life already, or when i finish, do need to get one?"...but i guess it was mainly paranoia. all these problems coming up, i guess i'm just thinking too much. its just how i am about not liking to stick to any person in particular and just circulate around different circles of friends at different points in life. getting the most out of different experiences. i may be close with someone during this period, but later another.

i know many pple that question why friends have to leave and why cant they stay forever. but ya, i never do question that. like my friend that went thru closely with me all the training in NS in the few six mths said "whatever comes, whatever goes, life goes on". and i add "whether positive or negative, life goes on, so why choose to go thru it unhappily?". and i'll stick to that belief. especially when as a christian, there's so much to be happy about in life, and there's nothing impossible to solve with God.

yeah, and ORD is like "throws freedom back to u and shouts getalife now". when starting NS is like "now, ur life is committed to serving the country". i dunno manz. it aint as complicated as it is. just that maybe i have alot of time to burn b4 university intake. cos i missed this year's intake in september. so i have to wait like almost a year. maybe its not so bad for others. cos when they finish, they finish with those pple they enter NS with from their polys or JCs. but for me, i'm just an odd one that is going a phase not many or infact only a few pple of my age are going thru.

Come on manz, my batch of my age enlistees only came in like this year for those JC ones. and next year for Poly ones.

but i guess not so bad. still have my friends in Poly, but they may be going thru very different things, like End of year project or Final year project. whatever they call it. so i'm not sure manz. but i guess by the time they get into army, my life should have long went on le.

but maybe i shouldnt worry about these stupid things about companionship, i can go thru life alone very well, and sometimes its better that way. the things that should be troubling me now is direction and responsibilities that are coming my way. University applications, Youth Fellowship Church camp responsibilities, band and music-related actitivities and commitments, finding a part-time job to earn extra cash for now and maybe a more settled and fixed one in January when everyone is out of holiday mood and i should occupy myself more with work and earning my own allowance and savings for Canada. taking the load off my parents. and definitely using as much as my time on close friends, especially when i only have about 6-7 mths left in Singapore. and of course, self-improvement courses : music courses, thaiboxing classes, and whatever i can pick up in this period that i have a lot of freetime.

guess i've sorted my thoughts out in a way or two. and thats whats really going thru in my mind now. no girls to distract me for the time being. and no relationships until i dunno when, but i really know i dun wan those unnecessary stuff to jam up my emotions and my focus in life for now. but i guess socialising and making much much more friends is inevitable now. just gotta get used to living the normal life i used to live last time.

did have a stupid thinking of just signing on with the army, but that would be only cos i give in to my stupid thinkings of life serves no meaning anyways, so just do routine schedules everyday. nayz. that will suck.

had a very stupid dream yesterday. it was about her. cant believe at last i got my freedom and life's brightening up and my first dream is about her. about loving her once again, but her mum always beating her up just because i'm a christian. the religious differences of a Catholic. it was a very happy dream, until the beating up came, and i ran away. just to get her out of trouble. almost significantly like the real story, but just a little more tragical. much more i would say. pathetic.

and dreams are supposedly in my opinion, what u really want in life, ur greatest fears, ur subconscious self. and what u are thinking about that sometimes u run away from. maybe thats what my dreams are about. guess somehow thru my dreams, God is asking me to face reality. but truly, i think i should. and i'll handle it my way. properly this time.

hope reminiscents of the past will stop holding me back to move on for a brighter future. i'll keep myself in check. thanks for reading.

pen off.

yellowcard