?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Tuesday, April 29, 2008
4/29/2008 05:42:00 AM

hey guys, Cliff's back for a writing.

i guess its really time that i admit that i've figured why pple blog other than having nothing better to do. its a good reflection of ur day and really through analysing it this way, firstly, without doubt, ur english and expression of words come out better in the long run, second, ur typing becomes faster, thirdly, u are actually stopping to think about ur life. and thats good. and for those memory-lovers, its good for having as a journal where u can read back next time and actually have a space for yourself that pple can read about online.

and yeah, my reason of coming today, is because i guess i've no one else to talk to. so yeah, Mr Blog, u gotta hear me out. or at least post it up for the nobody to read.

i guess really, blogs are very useful, and i only realised it now, maybe i've always been blessed with pple to talk to, and pple to relate to, and busy schedules to attend to. and i still have busy schedules here, but yeah, having lots of friends, doesnt mean u have someone to relate to or even have someone to talk to about how u are feeling.

just came back from school. from a school where i guess i have less than ten friends that i actually talk to. of course more than ten that i can smile at and know me by face. but yeah, less than ten that i actually talk to. and close enough to be talking properly with? i guess, that will be just one.

but yeah, the problem with boarding school is that everyone stays in residence in school, and staying outside school, somehow makes u an outcast to the rest. because pple stay 24 hours in school. how do u think staying in school for just that 2 hours of class is gonna make up to making really close friends. talking about it, i guess i have an excuse, but yeah, i beg to differ, i'm suppose to be Cliff, i love to socialise. but many times, i guess i fail. its amazing to hear that right? pple that know me, know i make friends like just like that, but yeah, i have problems in certain situations.

just talk about lunch time, which is actually the period of time that i hate the most, even though i have a class at 11 and another one at 3, the period i spend in the library, i'm spending it with books and my laptop, i dont feel that lonely. but lunch time, if u eat in sch that is, u gotta find someone to sit with, or else somehow u feel loneliness dawn on u, and the "u r a loser" feeling when u dont dare to sit with pple u actually know but are sitting with their huge clique in residence.

yeah, this girl that i'm close with, she volunteers to eat with me, but yeah, she sits with this group of girls that i dont really know, of course i could know, and some of which i actually know. but just approaching them and swallowing my pride of "interfering into other ppl's privacy" is such a big problem for me.

that was okay usually, but yeah. today started with me rushing to class because i was abit late for music class, and AGAIN, unaware of a test that was happening today. i think i scored zero for it. but yeah, this time, it was not my fault, my teacher didnt give me the CD.

to think abt it now, thats not such a big deal, but maybe because of monday blues that i get once in awhile, caused me to really feel very shitty for the whole day. plus feeling lonely eating by myself and then pondering how much i miss her.

i know, this sounds like crap. thats nothing at all bad about my day. but i just wasnt feeling very in the mood for anything. its just weird. i have like loads of friends from my bro's university. but almost like no one in my school. weekends and nights i go out with them are so fun, but only to come back to reality knowing that the school i'm facing now, i dont know anyone.

i wouldnt say no one, but yeah, sometimes i just dont really fit in.

i guess i came to a realisation that my life has had happiness only based on making pple happy, but when i cant do that, i feel so shitty about myself. and to think i always tell pple about "love others as urself" theory as having to start by learning to love urself first, i still have so much problem doing that. i wonder whether ego or self confidence is a natural thing, i mean of course i know its based on ur environment and stuff and not inborn, but sometimes i wonder why i dont have it as much as i need or want it.

tearing by myself and having self-pity for myself, its all not healthy. not that i do it often. but i dont know why i cant just always be on the "ups" in my life. why do i have to come "down"...and when i'm "down", i get so "down"...regardless of the situation...

i mean i'm mostly "up" but when i get "Down", it gets very bad.

i'm having the issue of not being able to find a best friend again. or even a close friend. i work so well in groups and being the one that talks alot and entertain pple, but when pple go home, when that group is busy, i never get to find just one of them to say that he/she is my own. if u get what i mean.

sometimes i wonder whether i put up some air of "dont come near", because i really feel sometimes i only can approach, but hardly, pple approach. i dont want to be popular, i've never seeked that i want to know alot of pple. all i want sometimes is just a best friend. but i end up always using my gf as one, and it gets real unhealthy when ur world is just groups or her. but yeah, i'm okay to just have her, but why cant i have best friends too..

argh...i'm getting so whiny, getting so complainy, i feel like not saying anything...

thanks for tuning in to Cliff's crap. i just have to use my method of "Smile" no matter how bad u feel. it works everytime. things get better.

pen off.

yellowcard