?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Thursday, May 29, 2008
5/29/2008 02:52:00 PM

haha..its 3am in Canada. and i cant get to sleep. guess what...because some freaking idiot called me in the middle of the night to brag about her "love" for me...after that conversation, i didnt feel guilt, i didnt feel like "wow, she loves me so much"...but instead, i feel "ur love's pathetic..."...

u tell me u attempt suicide on my case? are u trying to seek sympathy or trying to get attention? because i can tell u, u're getting none. even if u turn up on the newspaper the next day on a suicide case or something...in my mind, u will just be labelled as "Stupidity"...

come on, get real, suicide aint that hard, unless God stops u from doing it, or else...i dont think its so easy to fail to commit suicide. stop ur self-pitying. get your life together...

if ur life is based on a relationship, and depends on it, i'm sorry...ur pathetic.

cant help but think...sorry, i just despise girls that depend on guys for a living...if ur life depends on it, u need to getalife...God is what holds ur life together, not me...and if u think somehow i saved it or even helped u get back on track, maybe u thought too highly of me and i can say something, i'm not willing to be that person. i'm not so wei da...God saves, i'm saved.

self-mutilation, retail therapy, drug abuse, self-hate, self-pity...somehow i feel something..yeah maybe its sympathy...because u obviously dont know what ur life is about...a normal person with a goal or at least some common sense or rationality would not have resorted to those kind of things just for a breakup, what more someone with God, someone who has a purpose to live, someone who lives playing the piano for God all the time. do u even kknow what the meaning of "worship" is? to use ur life for Him?...

its true, we're not worthy to live, but if He gave us a chance to, dont try to run away from it, He wont let u off...He has better plans than creating u just to self-destruct...

and somehow u think i broke up with u because of someone else...nayz, i dont need a reason or two to breakup with u. seeing the way u handle things on a breakup, its a BIG enough reason to say, i dont want such a relationship.

u tell me u learn stuff from me about God and learn stuff from me about how to appreciate ur life and everything, but let me tell u, if it wasnt for God, i wouldnt know it too. and if it wasnt for God, i wouldnt be like that at all. i would be a dumbass that thinks i know everything, but doesnt actually, but i guess thats how majority of pple are in the world today.

so if u are jumping thru the authority system and thinking i'm somehow a miracle in ur life that puts everything together, i'm sorry, get ur life together...ur happiness shouldnt be based on that. the world and its things will change, and ur happiness will always change if u base urself upon something of the world. even me..

and screw u if u think being seven years older aint big enough a reason for me to choose to breakup...i'm not gonna marry u at the age of me being 27 to find out that u have only one year left for me to have to make u pregnant and give u a baby. and yeah, screw u again if u saying that old phrase of "aiya..if its God's will, its okay not to have one"...u love babies, and i somewhat love them to a certain extent, and i'm saying...i want one...but i'm not a baby fertiliser, i dont want an alarm clock that tells me i've to marry by what age because my other half is getting old.

and yeah...to think abt it, its pathetic that u are seven years older and u dont act ur age. u may think ur a little girl and u might think u have looks of a little girl, but too bad, it shows on ur skin, it shows thru ur wrinkles and it shows definitely through the energy u have, that u r getting old...and to have a 7 years younger bf to take care of u, thats pathetic. and a 7 years younger bf to teach u how to appreciate life on ur part, thats pathetic. and what more? having a 7 years younger bf to take charge of everything while u sit there helplessly, thats more pathetic.

really. get ur life together..

and stop telling me stuff about how i affected ur life so badly, that u cant stand up now...it shows how much ur life is based upon its either with me, or there isnt a life.

and whats so bad about being single? is it because ur scared that ur too old for another relationship? if that is so, i'm not ur last resort. and whats so bad about being single all ur life, its better than being a burden to someone else by saying ur life depends on them.

talk about pressure, as if the age gap doesnt cause enough for pressure, u still want to count on someone 7 years younger for life? every breath of life counts on him? my advice for u? get ur life right first b4 u seek someone else. ur other half is just someone u live together, grow together in God. its secondary compared to ur relationship with God. and ur life shouldnt fall apart when secondary things fall apart, God is the solid rock, He is ur foundation.

and talking about ur body being a temple of God? slitting ur wrists, drug abuse, wanting to self-destruct...not a very good form of worship huh? and talk about wanting to go into full-time ministry with me?...more like its because of me...i dont appreciate it...

worshipping thru music is a delightment, knowing God is in ur life is happiness...its got nothing to do with me, its to do with u and God. something must have screwed up there, i'm glad i found out about it.

and dont call me in the middle of the night shouting like a devil on the phone about whether i broke up with u because of another girl? does it matter?...i mean we're over. i'm not accountable to u anymore. and go read the email again. stop running away from reality, i know reality sucks, but its not about external factors that we broke up. its ur age, its how u see things, its how u live ur life. basic things like that.

really. get a life. trust me, even a psychiatrist cant help u, because u do drug abuse, so how does prescribing things to u have any help? u lived on drugs long enough, it aint going to do u any good. because the problem is in ur mind, drugs dont get to ur mind, a change of perspective will. or maybe brainwashing will.

and i didnt pick up the phone while i was sober, so of course i didnt reply u, but in fact, if i was sober and knew it was u calling, i dont think i would have bothered to even flip the phone open. and guess what? i lost the phone u gave me..haha..i dont need it anyways, i dont need money from u. i can earn it my own way, if i didnt have much youth left like u, i would easily have gotten it too. but not thru working millions of hours, bearing the stress with drugs and complaining and going thru all the work with self-hate, self-pity, and no appreciation of life at all. thats not worth the money. and u say u do it for ur parents, if ur parents knew how u did it, i dont think they would appreciate it at all. the way u handle ur life, is pathetic.

i think i gotta add another standard to my choice of my future partner, rationality and mental stability. never knew how much that meant. but i guess i learnt my lessons. i should be like a doctor and go thru the medical history of the person, whether she has asthma and whether she's been on drugs for a long time. and do my whole historical fact sheet abt the person b4 deciding on whether she's the one.

and for those that are showing pity to her and stuff, tell u what? u can care, u can show love..but the prob with this girl, is to do with herself. nothing in which u can help, but she needs to get it together by herself. stop having the only child syndrome and stop thinking ur still 18 or 19. grow up..get a life..and get ur heart of worship right.

pathetic..

pen off.

yellowcard