?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Saturday, July 19, 2008
7/19/2008 12:03:00 PM

hey guys. satisfying the needs of pple that actually read my blog and say my frequency of blog entries is pathetic. i say again, my blog here is not for daily updates about what i did today, whose my gf, what i'll do later, and just, not a diary like the rest. mine is ultimately, really, what i have to say. and if what i have to say on one day, is talk in details about my life events that ACTUALLY happened today, it will sound like other blogs, just for that once. but i guess it wont happen. because i leave out a lot of details and really prefer to have my own privacy about stuff.

i just realise something about my life, okay, my love life at least...i never dare to step into relationships proper, i ALWAYS thought it was because i dont like the commitment, i dont like to report to someone at the end of the day(neither to my mum, or whoever..which causes alot of problem to pple i stay with), i dont like just having one girl, and i dont like not having freedom and feeling tied down. but in fact, i guess those are just very minor things, that when it comes to real love(if it ever happened before), those stuff dont matter. but what i just realised, its great to self-discover yourself, its not easy, and the more u think u know yourself, the more u actually dont. its a lifetime discovery thing, its a process, not something u can fully grasp.

yeah, talking back to this realisation...i realised it aint any of those crap, in fact, thats what i really want to talk about today, i wont summarise it in a sentence, thats underestimating the issue, and saying i've fully understood the whole thing, but no...lets make it like a discussion, slowly talking and slowly understanding more about it, to only know there's more to it, than meets the eye. lol...life, thats it...the more u think u know it, the more u dont know it, because its more than u think it is..thats why ur given a life, not days or months. i promise i'll be honest, but i cant promise i wont leave out stuff, like i always do. =P

i realised, that the reason i dont dare to step into another relationship...its because i've not gotten over the previous one, and that i've not recovered from the previous one...WAIT! b4 u losers come to a conclusion too fast, like u guys always do..humans, what can i say...its the deception that the previous one told u, ur not worthy of another one. what if u just end up like the previous one...why do u think u improved? why do u think u changed? who told u this is different from the previous one?...who told u u wont HURT this one like HURT the last one?..these words always go through my mind.

and its easy to say, wont lar...it wont happen that way..i've learnt from my mistakes. but there's always this saying of other pple that hurts u alot and affect u alot, especially when they knew about ur last one, they just tell the new one, how u treated the last one, and because they come to a conclusion too fast about stuff, make up a story about u and the last one, was not clarified by you, or even more hiliariously, they dont even have a relationship established with u proper...so this story continues with every next gf u have, and yeah..they use the same mindset to think of u the way u used to be, not who u are now, not who u r trying not to be, but who u were, and who u will always be.

and as much as u want to prove it to them, u never can...because somehow something terrible happens, circumstances happen, u know u and this girl dont work out..sometimes u choose to wait awhile b4 breaking off, sometimes u want to break off, but ur so scared, knowing how pple will come to the girl and say "i told u he was like that"...or coming to u "u have not changed"...and yeah...and my somebody, "its because ur mindset never gave me a chance to change. u make up stories, thinking u know everything!, when actually, ur just a casual friend of mine, that firstly, ur relationship with me, didnt start a trust. secondly, u listen to everyone but me about the situation, and thirdly, u stereotype my b4 even knowing me"...

and yeah....my greatest discovery is these two things...hurting someone is harder than to be hurt...u know sometimes i rather be the one that gets hurt? its so much easier...u get sympathy from pple, u dont get guilt in urself.

second, accepting someone is so much easier than rejecting someone.

okay...three things. and moving on after being DUMPED IS EASIER THAN BEING THE ONE THAT DUMPED THE OTHER PERSON...

contradicting stuff like this, u'll be like "WHAT?"...these dont make the least sense..but i guess so in a while..if u hear me out about stuff before like you go like "yeah right Cliff, just for u"..

starting with the first one...hurting someone is harder than to be hurt. like i said, when u get hurt, pple come to u, they give sympathy, they listen to u...they like "Aww...ur such a nice person..dont worry...its his loss or whatever..and the thing about "there's a forest out there, dont give up just because of one tree" rubbish"...

and what does the person that hurt someone else get "u r wrong..how can u hurt him or her so badly"...okay. its just "her" for me in case some pple think i'm BI...and no matter what the case was, u r WRONG. period. there's no explanation for it. they will say as much as they want about "oh..at least u hurt her once u knew it, its better earlier than later". but in their eyes, ur just a heartbreaker. no matter what ur reasons were for not wanting to be with that someone. unless they are rational and think for awhile "oh..u dont like her?..thats why i guess"...and u can give me the whole talk about "u gave the wrong signs to pple". true, sometimes that true. but most of the time, it doesnt need wrong signs or misleading pple to get them to like u. and thats sucks..

and what hurting someone else does to me? it makes me cry. okay, maybe i cry alot. maybe sometimes i get emotional very easily, as much as i put a strong front, but definitely, i know what it feels to be rejected. and i didnt like the feeling when i was young, those two times i got rejected, it was enough for me manz...i can tell u, i wont even want to go into detail with u now...the shame, the pride-hurting, the embarassment, the heartbreaking, etc etc...it sucked...i know what its like, thats why i hate it when pple i dont like, like me.

i do go to some certain extents to take care of such pple, and try to make their dreams come true, but i know i cant. i cant be the one for them. to me, sometimes i dont care abt my own feelings, i rather pple get what they want. and sometimes, thats what hurts pple the most, when i snap out of it and know there's no love on my side for it.

and secondly, accepting is much more easier than rejecting. rejecting makes u feel like u hurt someone so badly. its almost like the first point, but what i want to say is that accepting is so much easier. because u know u made someone happy, while rejecting, u know u hurt someone badly. that actually loves u. that actually knows what love is...

and dumping, when u dump someone, its easier to move for the person that got dumped, their mindset is like "hey, i know i put my heart into this", pple will come to them, help them up, and tell them the "there are better guys out there, its his loss" shit...and u know u tried ur best to love that person, even when u tell the next person u love, the person respects ur love u showed for the other one. and really, u can really put down stuff, other than getting over the hurt. but...

dumping someone, u never thought about how hard it is to move on, u know u dumped someone, the guilt is forever in u, u know u made a mistake, u know maybe u never knew the meaning of love, to you, pple come to u, shout at u about how u hurt that girl, how u shouldnt have broken up, or should have knew it earlier. but come on, if i knew it earlier, u think i would have waited this long to break up?...

some pple just think "u should have considered that b4 the relationship started". its not that easy manz. or why do pple wait a few years b4 they actually break up sometimes? sometimes, u will never know as friends. while casual dating is wrong. and i dont agree with the "since u make a decision to be with her, stick to it". unless ur married. its not that once i see problems, i break up straight, i do persist, i only break up when i know i cant take it anymore. come on, i have love on my side too. i love that person too, why would i give up just because i kknow there's a small prob. sometimes i even break up, wishing we could've worked out.

i just duno, its not as easy as it seems.

my mind is real dead, had a whole day of going downtown with my guy friend. once in a week. shopping can tire u out manz. i wanted to talk about this clearly, either my mind is dead, or i'm not sure what i'm saying either. thanks for getting so far.

my main point is just that its hard to move on, knowing u hurt someone in the past. as much as u dont want to accept pple's saying of u to be a "playboy" or someone that doesnt understand love, sometimes u struggle with such comments so much with not wanting to accept, just like accepting someone, its really easier to accept. as much as u know u wont do the same thing again, but as much as u love someone new as much, u know u dont want to bring her through such pain.

pen off.

yellowcard