?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Wednesday, August 13, 2008
8/13/2008 03:57:00 PM

hey guys, back for another entry. its like the middle of the nights. 4am here. for those in singapore, its your 4pm. just felt like blogging. couldnt get to sleep. alot of things on my mind, not that i'm confused or frustrated or burdened or problematic, but just feel like typing stuff, i like writing my thoughts down, its just like getting stuff that have been stuck in my mind for so long. sometimes talk it out to someone, but some stuff, i just can only tell you, my blog.

haha. thats really ironic right? telling my blog, is like telling everyone, i know, or dont even know. talk about privacy, but when i write on my blog, i just air everything out, i dont care who sees it. but i just feel like its my own space. and i just feel like i'm okay saying out things here.

at the same time while writing, hearing my blog's playlist, wondering how its like for pple to read my blog and actually hear these psychedelic rock or christian music. yeah. i'm a weirdo, but yeah...i just think alot and wonder alot about how certain pple feel and stuff. guess thats why my interest in psychology and examining pple's behaviour on a regular basis.

its just funny how pple tend to think about stuff they regretted not doing, not like major regrets that pple say like "dont regret anything in life" those type of regrets. but more like stuff u knew u should have said something to. like someone saying stuff that you dont like, or stuff that is against you, but at the point, u just let it go by. although most of the time, its better to be silent and its better to just let the person feel stupid by not replying them at all. but ya, sometimes u just wish u said something. something courageous, something to show you're not to be messed with, but i guess its over, and there must have been a reason u kept quiet, either because u didnt bother to argue, or because it didnt matter what those particular pple said, because they dont matter to you.

just a little update about my life, i'm working at a GUESS outlet shop now. its really doing very well, it just opened like two weeks ago, the targets the shop has had ever since, have been crushed by us, we always doubled it, the shop has got 2nd ranking for a retail shop, not just the brand GUESS, in the whole Canada last weekend. yeah, being a sales associate there is crazy sometimes, its really busy. and it gets me tired up quite well. but i'm not complaining, i need to find something to do, and earn some money at the same time. and occupy my time. have friends here, but not enough to spend all my days wisely. on OFF days i either slack at home, or occasionally have outings with certain friends. due to my character now, i think i wont be able to find really close friends. i guess its just a phase.

ever since everything that has happened, i'm trying to pick myself up again. as if i didnt have low confidence b4, but now i'm starting from zero again. really admire pple that are courageous and really confident of themselves. i may appear to be at times, but yeah, i'm a sucker at confidence. as strong as i try to put up a front, i'm still really weak on the inside. and i believe a new beginning will do the trick for me, a new beginning, i pray that God will build me stronger than before.

lost trust in people in general. and have lost the "group" personality i used to have. i dont work well in groups now. in fact, i have even problems working well with a few pple now. i only work well by myself now. loner or "in my world", up to u to define, but yeah...i guess i just love to keep to myself for now. enjoying time alone and really enjoying my life now, single and just living independently, not willing to rely or trust anyone for anything but God.

another thing i need to work up is my belief in loving pple. its just really true about something. the more u love, the more hurt comes to you. i reckoned that the less u love, the less u get hurt. i'll stay like that for now, cos i cant get hurt anymore. but once i've come back stronger and number to my sensitive self, i believe i'll come back loving, knowing i wont be affected, because i wont care and i wont allow pple to affect how i am.

i somehow come to believe "love was meant for everyone but me". not love in general. but love as in relationships. cant handle it, girls i'm with, are either unsatisfied or dump me in the end. not talking about the 10% that end up on the "i mistook you for someone else" list. and since i've found out that girls end up only becoming hurt with me, i've chosen the road of singlehood. its good for me and good for you. as much as i like girls, i guess i cant bring myself to hurt them anymore too. if i seem to be a heartbreaker due to my past, i rather not love again.

guess i'm a "runner' as in i run away from relationships everytime i find myself in it, its not because i didnt consider the consequences of being attached, its just that when sometimes u fall, u fall too deep, and then u found out u have commitment problems. mainly because the first few relationships u had, u committed too much, to only find out, the more u commit, the more u get hurt.

i guess most of u have heard the stuff about the one that loves more, ends up getting hurt the most. and that there should be a balance. i dont know. i dont believe in this balance. and if that person is gonna love very little, i'm gonna love lesser. and yeah, i'm just talking about love relationships, not loving people in general.

but i guess my love for God and Music is really good enough to keep me crazily in love. haha...

"Jesus paid much too high a price, for us to pick and choose who should come..."

haha. just random. i really love that bridge of "if we are the body". just heard it. and you guys out there. Jesus loves you. He loved you b4 u even came to this earth. and He died for you, whether u believe it or not. He really loves you.

so this is like it to hear my blog's songs, firstly all the psychedelic shit that gets ur mind blowing, then the christian music that enlighten and lift u up. so weird...the feeling. but i guess thats the mixture of what Cliff is. loves God but at the same time, i can go really psychologically crazy at times.

and i think i've mastered it, no one really understands me. because firstly, i dont let them. and secondly, i dont want them to. i like my space, i like my privacy. and i'll stay this way. the day i let someone into my life again, and totally into it all(because some of u think u already have), is the day i choose to love in a relationship again. i guess i'll be fine, i cant turn gay, cant stand guys too much. while girls are too attractive not to like. lol...

"you and i were made to worship, you and i were called to love..." so true, so for those of you that think life is meaningless, maybe because your meaning is all about yourself. when it never was. it was about God. it was about living it out for Him. and about others that need your love and need your time and care.

yeah...still have work tomorrow. i'll end with another topic. the most recent phase of my life. a girl i've liked like forever. okay not forever. maybe just three years. but yeah, thats long for a Cliff record. even though there was alot of messy stuff in between, but somehow i still like her. but she was never satisfied no matter how hard i tried. i'm not the normal guy that can love freely, i'm trapped by alot of phobia of loving too deep, getting hurt or rejected. but for her, i've tried and tried. and the amazing thing is no matter how many times we try, we end up at the same point, knowing that somehow God is like saying no, or just making things difficult for us.

even ppl around us, have seen it all. have known that we are going in circles, only to end up with each other again and again and everytime i give up, is because i really want to see her happy. but i cant give her that happiness, i only make her sad, i dont hurt her. only because i want her to leave me, i want her to go away. go find someone that really can love her the way she wants him to. because no matter how hard i try, she doesnt feel any love from me at all. and thats all i have to give.

they always say, there are some stuff that really arent meant to be, no matter how hard u try, it just wasnt urs to begin with. i refuse to cry or be sad about this, but i cant say that i can shuff this out of my mind, because somehow i still do like her. but sometimes loving is about letting go. really if u r reading this, just go k?

and the ironic thing is i've always ignored her and asked her to leave, i admit sometimes i regret and come back. but its because of ur persistence and its because u never let me go b4 and u never gave up on me b4, thats why i could come back. because u allowed me to. i wished many times u would just refuse coming back with me, just to go in circles again.

after all the years, we're still stuck in this, i know you're hurting bad. but really, try to date someone else. i may be stuck, but i want u to go on. i've been stuck ever since i dont even know when. i dont even know when i started believing in not falling too deep and not loving with all i have anymore.

and this time u already said the words, the words that hurt so badly, i couldnt take it any longer. that u wanted me to let u go. asked me to let u go. when thats all i've been doing all the while. but u've been holding on, and now ur blaming me for not letting go, trust me, i'll let go this time. because "whats meant to be is meant to be, what isnt was never yours to begin with"...thats what i believe in.

as much as i want to believe i can love someone else, ever since i liked u, i've never been with another girl without thinking constantly about u. dont listen to other pple about what they say about me cheating ur feelings and bluffing u that i love u. but if there's one last thing i can do for u now, that is letting u go. because like the rest, i dont want to see u hurt by me once more. i've seen enough.

pen off.

yellowcard