?Â¿? DaR3 To DrEaM Â¿?Â¿

Friday, September 12, 2008
9/12/2008 01:53:00 PM

haha...Cliff's back for another entry. after about one month?....wait. let me start this blog the way i wanted too...

haha...Cliff's back for another entry, whether you like it or not...don't read if you dont =P

haha..thats the way i wanted to start it....start of university, start of a new phase in my life...

not only to start with my studies pursuit again, but to start with the impact i want to make in university...i guess, i discussed it with my friend, its called something like "Hillsongs on Campus"...i mean, thats not what its gonna be called, but its an imagery, get it?

bit skeptical about him and all those that i hope to do this with, but i know...i know clearly these people have strong desires to serve God and some may even be more serious about this than me....okay..i wont say that, considering i dont believe many of them have dreams like me...because i guess to have dreams like that, its irrational, but belief is irrational anyways...so ya...i'll choose to be irrational, as i've always been...

but yeah...gonna help in the worship team for some christian unity prayer night on the 25th on campus...whether it be drums, guitar or vocals... or even just the little things of helping out wherever they need me...

guess if you are questioning why we christians(at least the serious ones) are so passionate about Serving God..is because if you really come to know Jesus, you cant help but love Him. If you love Him, you will definitely want to serve Him..its au naturel. and if you dont serve him, maybe its because you dont really love Him. If you dont love Him, most likely you have not come to known him, at least properly..trust me, thats true..

its funny how in life, its like you did something wrong, but you do it over and over again. its so funny...like you know its wrong, but u cant help doing it wrong and wrong again as if you've never done it b4 and never knew it would go wrong...but i guess, thats my love with this girl...

but sometimes u know, the best love u can provide is to let go, especially when there's no happiness in it, there's no purpose to go on. and if u love someone, u want to see them happy, even if its not with you...thats really true. but how many of us can do that? people in general are selfish. and our beliefs that things will be all possible with love, causes us not to let go, and some of us, stupidly think that no matter what happens, u want to keep trying. thats true...to a certain extent. because thats true when its like maybe parent's objection, but u two really love each other, the relationship benefits both of u, and builds u two, u know u guys only feel HAPPINESS with each other. but what if u really love each other, and thats all? the relationships ruins u two, its mindblowing, it breaks both of u two down, nothing u guys talk about makes sense totally to each other, other than stuff that each other know less about. and what if as a guy, u cant give the HAPPINESS you want to to that girl? what would u choose to do?

its not like you never tried, u tried like 200%, and sometimes 50% already satisfies certain girls u've been with, but its been 200% for this girl and she just doesnt feel it at all, in fact, she thinks u dont love her at all. she doesnt trust u, when even friendships are supposed to be based on trust. i know i'm not one for girls to trust, after all i did...but i guess if there's no starting trust at all to begin with, there's no purpose for a relationship or even a friendship, its gonna break down everytime something small happens to complicate matters just abit..

i gave up my MCP personality for this relationship, even when i'm not like even near 50% true MCP...i just like to be respected as a guy. thats all. and i insist girls should be cared for and taken cared much more than guys. but whats wrong with that..respect comes with everything, without respect, trust me, u will never work well with Cliff. because i dont care about age, or anything at all, as long as u dont have respect, i dont care if ur the president or even whatever, you're not getting any from me either.

even saying sorry when there's no need for it and its obviously the girl's fault. but things are not supposed to be like that, no equality in the relationship. even when there's like been alot of love on ur part thru the years, that doesnt mean u love more than i do in a relationship.

but all i can say is, i've concluded again and again..."this is the day..that i'm making my defection, that i claim back my affection that you stole from me..." Clay Aiken's "No more sad Songs"...

i've concluded that we're not meant to be, and we only end in disaster. to save the world from this and both of us from being more complicated, i dont know how i'm gonna do this, but i know, i'm giving up everything i had of you...i put my heart into this this very time, only to get my heart broken and to only know that all my numbness was worth it all these years, because as much as u say u love me, how much u do and stuff, i know u love me, and do very irrational and crazy things, but i dont agree with them. and i dont agree just because of that, ur love has been stronger.

and proof is i'll give u up..even as much as i'll hurt if i see u with someone else...i know i only want to see u happy. and obviously, u dont feel it with me. and u never are satisfied with whatever i do and as much as i try, u always have something to say. maybe it will teach u something or two about treasuring stuff that was yours and not complaining and always asking for more than what is given. and not being able to see the gift of "The best i could give" and "all i have to give"....

i still thank you for going thru the years with me...really pursuing this love with me...but i guess God has come straight up and said NO obivously this time. and i know that...i cry, like i cant breathe, only because i really wished we worked out. but u urself know, we dont, we cant, we never did. other than u pretending to accept everything and pretending to be someone else and listen to my advices about how u should behave to keep this relationship going. but i know this is not u are, and i dont want u and me to lose our individualism. maybe like what my friend said, as much as i dont want to admit, but i guess both of us are too immature to handle a relationship.

i've come to realise that as much as i want to do things well, in love...i'm a sucker. either i put too much in it and get super duper hurt. or else i dont put in anything, and get nothing out of it. as much as i want to say that i rather get hurt and rejected than not do anything for love, i actually choose the opposite..but i guess maybe i've never really truly loved b4. or like another friend and my mum said, i'm still young and got loads of time to discover what i really want in a girl. rather than going from girl to girl, finding out that, maybe i love someone more than she is. or like someone else when i love her.

i dont know whether thats natural, but i still tend to like other girls when i'm in love...maybe i'm not sure what i want either. maybe i'm still growing hormones and stuff, haha. of course i am...but like they said, guys will be guys...maybe sometimes i'm denying myself of my sexuality and that i'm a guy after all...but i'm still open about it...

okay..i will just end off the blog with a few stuff i've learnt from my classes ever since.

wait..b4 i end off, just an update, majoring in Psychology and Philosophy. taking English courses and Sociology on the side, really love all these courses. like learning all the subjects i've been interested in all my life. like subconsciously i've been pursuing my education in these stuff daily too. like behaviourism in psychology, theories in philosophy, interpretations and deep thinkings involved in english and literature and "how the world actually works" in sociology.

its just funny how these all the only courses i really like in university, took a course in BIO, dropped it after the first class. went thru an hour of how the world was made and the history and scientific stuff about stars, and i felt it was the hour i wasted most in my whole life. learning about BIG BANG, its not that i'm not open about hearing other people's description of the earth, but i just think science can be quite stupid sometimes, in fact most of the time, other than in psychology. how the brain works and stuff.

i know how first year in university is like shopping for ur interest, but i believe in already knowing roughly what u want, rather than coming to university like "i'm not sure what i want...lets see what other people are taking..okay..i'll go with u for that"...thats stupid...i despise pple like that. the world needs more pple that do things they really love. okay i know my parents will be all against me saying that passion and ur job go on the same line...but i dont care, i believe in living life with ur passion. one that believes in the "follow ur heart" theory. even if life is not gonna be easy that way, but i dont want to go thru life knowing that i wanted to do something else so much more...life is only once, do what u like...dont regret, pursue what you love. you dont have to care what people said. follow your heart. and follow your beliefs and desire, whether they're rational or what.

"belief is not rational, because its believing in something u are not guaranteed of achieving, and its mostly not visible and not within reach at that moment..because once u achieve it, its not a dream anymore. its a reality"....

"if you dont have that choice, you cant make that choice....so keep your options open and make your choices widened for u to choose from..."

"sometimes learning, means u have to divorce your self from the case, and be open about hearing what people have to say...but be firm on what you believe"...

okay...i made those up. mostly not learnt from the books, i mean its not important for the tests or considered notes of the class...but i think its good to learn from since i felt that way when i went to the classes and how education was taught...

pen off...

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