Friday, September 12, 2008
9/12/2008 01:53:00 PM

haha...Cliff's back for another entry. after about one month?....wait. let me start this blog the way i wanted too...

haha...Cliff's back for another entry, whether you like it or not...don't read if you dont =P

haha..thats the way i wanted to start it....start of university, start of a new phase in my life...

not only to start with my studies pursuit again, but to start with the impact i want to make in university...i guess, i discussed it with my friend, its called something like "Hillsongs on Campus"...i mean, thats not what its gonna be called, but its an imagery, get it?

bit skeptical about him and all those that i hope to do this with, but i know...i know clearly these people have strong desires to serve God and some may even be more serious about this than me....okay..i wont say that, considering i dont believe many of them have dreams like me...because i guess to have dreams like that, its irrational, but belief is irrational anyways...so ya...i'll choose to be irrational, as i've always been...

but yeah...gonna help in the worship team for some christian unity prayer night on the 25th on campus...whether it be drums, guitar or vocals... or even just the little things of helping out wherever they need me...

guess if you are questioning why we christians(at least the serious ones) are so passionate about Serving God..is because if you really come to know Jesus, you cant help but love Him. If you love Him, you will definitely want to serve Him..its au naturel. and if you dont serve him, maybe its because you dont really love Him. If you dont love Him, most likely you have not come to known him, at least properly..trust me, thats true..

its funny how in life, its like you did something wrong, but you do it over and over again. its so funny...like you know its wrong, but u cant help doing it wrong and wrong again as if you've never done it b4 and never knew it would go wrong...but i guess, thats my love with this girl...

but sometimes u know, the best love u can provide is to let go, especially when there's no happiness in it, there's no purpose to go on. and if u love someone, u want to see them happy, even if its not with you...thats really true. but how many of us can do that? people in general are selfish. and our beliefs that things will be all possible with love, causes us not to let go, and some of us, stupidly think that no matter what happens, u want to keep trying. thats true...to a certain extent. because thats true when its like maybe parent's objection, but u two really love each other, the relationship benefits both of u, and builds u two, u know u guys only feel HAPPINESS with each other. but what if u really love each other, and thats all? the relationships ruins u two, its mindblowing, it breaks both of u two down, nothing u guys talk about makes sense totally to each other, other than stuff that each other know less about. and what if as a guy, u cant give the HAPPINESS you want to to that girl? what would u choose to do?

its not like you never tried, u tried like 200%, and sometimes 50% already satisfies certain girls u've been with, but its been 200% for this girl and she just doesnt feel it at all, in fact, she thinks u dont love her at all. she doesnt trust u, when even friendships are supposed to be based on trust. i know i'm not one for girls to trust, after all i did...but i guess if there's no starting trust at all to begin with, there's no purpose for a relationship or even a friendship, its gonna break down everytime something small happens to complicate matters just abit..

i gave up my MCP personality for this relationship, even when i'm not like even near 50% true MCP...i just like to be respected as a guy. thats all. and i insist girls should be cared for and taken cared much more than guys. but whats wrong with that..respect comes with everything, without respect, trust me, u will never work well with Cliff. because i dont care about age, or anything at all, as long as u dont have respect, i dont care if ur the president or even whatever, you're not getting any from me either.

even saying sorry when there's no need for it and its obviously the girl's fault. but things are not supposed to be like that, no equality in the relationship. even when there's like been alot of love on ur part thru the years, that doesnt mean u love more than i do in a relationship.

but all i can say is, i've concluded again and again..."this is the day..that i'm making my defection, that i claim back my affection that you stole from me..." Clay Aiken's "No more sad Songs"...

i've concluded that we're not meant to be, and we only end in disaster. to save the world from this and both of us from being more complicated, i dont know how i'm gonna do this, but i know, i'm giving up everything i had of you...i put my heart into this this very time, only to get my heart broken and to only know that all my numbness was worth it all these years, because as much as u say u love me, how much u do and stuff, i know u love me, and do very irrational and crazy things, but i dont agree with them. and i dont agree just because of that, ur love has been stronger.

and proof is i'll give u up..even as much as i'll hurt if i see u with someone else...i know i only want to see u happy. and obviously, u dont feel it with me. and u never are satisfied with whatever i do and as much as i try, u always have something to say. maybe it will teach u something or two about treasuring stuff that was yours and not complaining and always asking for more than what is given. and not being able to see the gift of "The best i could give" and "all i have to give"....

i still thank you for going thru the years with me...really pursuing this love with me...but i guess God has come straight up and said NO obivously this time. and i know that...i cry, like i cant breathe, only because i really wished we worked out. but u urself know, we dont, we cant, we never did. other than u pretending to accept everything and pretending to be someone else and listen to my advices about how u should behave to keep this relationship going. but i know this is not u are, and i dont want u and me to lose our individualism. maybe like what my friend said, as much as i dont want to admit, but i guess both of us are too immature to handle a relationship.

i've come to realise that as much as i want to do things well, in love...i'm a sucker. either i put too much in it and get super duper hurt. or else i dont put in anything, and get nothing out of it. as much as i want to say that i rather get hurt and rejected than not do anything for love, i actually choose the opposite..but i guess maybe i've never really truly loved b4. or like another friend and my mum said, i'm still young and got loads of time to discover what i really want in a girl. rather than going from girl to girl, finding out that, maybe i love someone more than she is. or like someone else when i love her.

i dont know whether thats natural, but i still tend to like other girls when i'm in love...maybe i'm not sure what i want either. maybe i'm still growing hormones and stuff, haha. of course i am...but like they said, guys will be guys...maybe sometimes i'm denying myself of my sexuality and that i'm a guy after all...but i'm still open about it...

okay..i will just end off the blog with a few stuff i've learnt from my classes ever since.

wait..b4 i end off, just an update, majoring in Psychology and Philosophy. taking English courses and Sociology on the side, really love all these courses. like learning all the subjects i've been interested in all my life. like subconsciously i've been pursuing my education in these stuff daily too. like behaviourism in psychology, theories in philosophy, interpretations and deep thinkings involved in english and literature and "how the world actually works" in sociology.

its just funny how these all the only courses i really like in university, took a course in BIO, dropped it after the first class. went thru an hour of how the world was made and the history and scientific stuff about stars, and i felt it was the hour i wasted most in my whole life. learning about BIG BANG, its not that i'm not open about hearing other people's description of the earth, but i just think science can be quite stupid sometimes, in fact most of the time, other than in psychology. how the brain works and stuff.

i know how first year in university is like shopping for ur interest, but i believe in already knowing roughly what u want, rather than coming to university like "i'm not sure what i want...lets see what other people are taking..okay..i'll go with u for that"...thats stupid...i despise pple like that. the world needs more pple that do things they really love. okay i know my parents will be all against me saying that passion and ur job go on the same line...but i dont care, i believe in living life with ur passion. one that believes in the "follow ur heart" theory. even if life is not gonna be easy that way, but i dont want to go thru life knowing that i wanted to do something else so much more...life is only once, do what u like...dont regret, pursue what you love. you dont have to care what people said. follow your heart. and follow your beliefs and desire, whether they're rational or what.

"belief is not rational, because its believing in something u are not guaranteed of achieving, and its mostly not visible and not within reach at that moment..because once u achieve it, its not a dream anymore. its a reality"....

"if you dont have that choice, you cant make that choice....so keep your options open and make your choices widened for u to choose from..."

"sometimes learning, means u have to divorce your self from the case, and be open about hearing what people have to say...but be firm on what you believe"...

okay...i made those up. mostly not learnt from the books, i mean its not important for the tests or considered notes of the class...but i think its good to learn from since i felt that way when i went to the classes and how education was taught...

pen off...

yellowcard

Wednesday, August 13, 2008
8/13/2008 03:57:00 PM

hey guys, back for another entry. its like the middle of the nights. 4am here. for those in singapore, its your 4pm. just felt like blogging. couldnt get to sleep. alot of things on my mind, not that i'm confused or frustrated or burdened or problematic, but just feel like typing stuff, i like writing my thoughts down, its just like getting stuff that have been stuck in my mind for so long. sometimes talk it out to someone, but some stuff, i just can only tell you, my blog.

haha. thats really ironic right? telling my blog, is like telling everyone, i know, or dont even know. talk about privacy, but when i write on my blog, i just air everything out, i dont care who sees it. but i just feel like its my own space. and i just feel like i'm okay saying out things here.

at the same time while writing, hearing my blog's playlist, wondering how its like for pple to read my blog and actually hear these psychedelic rock or christian music. yeah. i'm a weirdo, but yeah...i just think alot and wonder alot about how certain pple feel and stuff. guess thats why my interest in psychology and examining pple's behaviour on a regular basis.

its just funny how pple tend to think about stuff they regretted not doing, not like major regrets that pple say like "dont regret anything in life" those type of regrets. but more like stuff u knew u should have said something to. like someone saying stuff that you dont like, or stuff that is against you, but at the point, u just let it go by. although most of the time, its better to be silent and its better to just let the person feel stupid by not replying them at all. but ya, sometimes u just wish u said something. something courageous, something to show you're not to be messed with, but i guess its over, and there must have been a reason u kept quiet, either because u didnt bother to argue, or because it didnt matter what those particular pple said, because they dont matter to you.

just a little update about my life, i'm working at a GUESS outlet shop now. its really doing very well, it just opened like two weeks ago, the targets the shop has had ever since, have been crushed by us, we always doubled it, the shop has got 2nd ranking for a retail shop, not just the brand GUESS, in the whole Canada last weekend. yeah, being a sales associate there is crazy sometimes, its really busy. and it gets me tired up quite well. but i'm not complaining, i need to find something to do, and earn some money at the same time. and occupy my time. have friends here, but not enough to spend all my days wisely. on OFF days i either slack at home, or occasionally have outings with certain friends. due to my character now, i think i wont be able to find really close friends. i guess its just a phase.

ever since everything that has happened, i'm trying to pick myself up again. as if i didnt have low confidence b4, but now i'm starting from zero again. really admire pple that are courageous and really confident of themselves. i may appear to be at times, but yeah, i'm a sucker at confidence. as strong as i try to put up a front, i'm still really weak on the inside. and i believe a new beginning will do the trick for me, a new beginning, i pray that God will build me stronger than before.

lost trust in people in general. and have lost the "group" personality i used to have. i dont work well in groups now. in fact, i have even problems working well with a few pple now. i only work well by myself now. loner or "in my world", up to u to define, but yeah...i guess i just love to keep to myself for now. enjoying time alone and really enjoying my life now, single and just living independently, not willing to rely or trust anyone for anything but God.

another thing i need to work up is my belief in loving pple. its just really true about something. the more u love, the more hurt comes to you. i reckoned that the less u love, the less u get hurt. i'll stay like that for now, cos i cant get hurt anymore. but once i've come back stronger and number to my sensitive self, i believe i'll come back loving, knowing i wont be affected, because i wont care and i wont allow pple to affect how i am.

i somehow come to believe "love was meant for everyone but me". not love in general. but love as in relationships. cant handle it, girls i'm with, are either unsatisfied or dump me in the end. not talking about the 10% that end up on the "i mistook you for someone else" list. and since i've found out that girls end up only becoming hurt with me, i've chosen the road of singlehood. its good for me and good for you. as much as i like girls, i guess i cant bring myself to hurt them anymore too. if i seem to be a heartbreaker due to my past, i rather not love again.

guess i'm a "runner' as in i run away from relationships everytime i find myself in it, its not because i didnt consider the consequences of being attached, its just that when sometimes u fall, u fall too deep, and then u found out u have commitment problems. mainly because the first few relationships u had, u committed too much, to only find out, the more u commit, the more u get hurt.

i guess most of u have heard the stuff about the one that loves more, ends up getting hurt the most. and that there should be a balance. i dont know. i dont believe in this balance. and if that person is gonna love very little, i'm gonna love lesser. and yeah, i'm just talking about love relationships, not loving people in general.

but i guess my love for God and Music is really good enough to keep me crazily in love. haha...

"Jesus paid much too high a price, for us to pick and choose who should come..."

haha. just random. i really love that bridge of "if we are the body". just heard it. and you guys out there. Jesus loves you. He loved you b4 u even came to this earth. and He died for you, whether u believe it or not. He really loves you.

so this is like it to hear my blog's songs, firstly all the psychedelic shit that gets ur mind blowing, then the christian music that enlighten and lift u up. so weird...the feeling. but i guess thats the mixture of what Cliff is. loves God but at the same time, i can go really psychologically crazy at times.

and i think i've mastered it, no one really understands me. because firstly, i dont let them. and secondly, i dont want them to. i like my space, i like my privacy. and i'll stay this way. the day i let someone into my life again, and totally into it all(because some of u think u already have), is the day i choose to love in a relationship again. i guess i'll be fine, i cant turn gay, cant stand guys too much. while girls are too attractive not to like. lol...

"you and i were made to worship, you and i were called to love..." so true, so for those of you that think life is meaningless, maybe because your meaning is all about yourself. when it never was. it was about God. it was about living it out for Him. and about others that need your love and need your time and care.

yeah...still have work tomorrow. i'll end with another topic. the most recent phase of my life. a girl i've liked like forever. okay not forever. maybe just three years. but yeah, thats long for a Cliff record. even though there was alot of messy stuff in between, but somehow i still like her. but she was never satisfied no matter how hard i tried. i'm not the normal guy that can love freely, i'm trapped by alot of phobia of loving too deep, getting hurt or rejected. but for her, i've tried and tried. and the amazing thing is no matter how many times we try, we end up at the same point, knowing that somehow God is like saying no, or just making things difficult for us.

even ppl around us, have seen it all. have known that we are going in circles, only to end up with each other again and again and everytime i give up, is because i really want to see her happy. but i cant give her that happiness, i only make her sad, i dont hurt her. only because i want her to leave me, i want her to go away. go find someone that really can love her the way she wants him to. because no matter how hard i try, she doesnt feel any love from me at all. and thats all i have to give.

they always say, there are some stuff that really arent meant to be, no matter how hard u try, it just wasnt urs to begin with. i refuse to cry or be sad about this, but i cant say that i can shuff this out of my mind, because somehow i still do like her. but sometimes loving is about letting go. really if u r reading this, just go k?

and the ironic thing is i've always ignored her and asked her to leave, i admit sometimes i regret and come back. but its because of ur persistence and its because u never let me go b4 and u never gave up on me b4, thats why i could come back. because u allowed me to. i wished many times u would just refuse coming back with me, just to go in circles again.

after all the years, we're still stuck in this, i know you're hurting bad. but really, try to date someone else. i may be stuck, but i want u to go on. i've been stuck ever since i dont even know when. i dont even know when i started believing in not falling too deep and not loving with all i have anymore.

and this time u already said the words, the words that hurt so badly, i couldnt take it any longer. that u wanted me to let u go. asked me to let u go. when thats all i've been doing all the while. but u've been holding on, and now ur blaming me for not letting go, trust me, i'll let go this time. because "whats meant to be is meant to be, what isnt was never yours to begin with"...thats what i believe in.

as much as i want to believe i can love someone else, ever since i liked u, i've never been with another girl without thinking constantly about u. dont listen to other pple about what they say about me cheating ur feelings and bluffing u that i love u. but if there's one last thing i can do for u now, that is letting u go. because like the rest, i dont want to see u hurt by me once more. i've seen enough.

pen off.

yellowcard

Saturday, July 19, 2008
7/19/2008 12:03:00 PM

hey guys. satisfying the needs of pple that actually read my blog and say my frequency of blog entries is pathetic. i say again, my blog here is not for daily updates about what i did today, whose my gf, what i'll do later, and just, not a diary like the rest. mine is ultimately, really, what i have to say. and if what i have to say on one day, is talk in details about my life events that ACTUALLY happened today, it will sound like other blogs, just for that once. but i guess it wont happen. because i leave out a lot of details and really prefer to have my own privacy about stuff.

i just realise something about my life, okay, my love life at least...i never dare to step into relationships proper, i ALWAYS thought it was because i dont like the commitment, i dont like to report to someone at the end of the day(neither to my mum, or whoever..which causes alot of problem to pple i stay with), i dont like just having one girl, and i dont like not having freedom and feeling tied down. but in fact, i guess those are just very minor things, that when it comes to real love(if it ever happened before), those stuff dont matter. but what i just realised, its great to self-discover yourself, its not easy, and the more u think u know yourself, the more u actually dont. its a lifetime discovery thing, its a process, not something u can fully grasp.

yeah, talking back to this realisation...i realised it aint any of those crap, in fact, thats what i really want to talk about today, i wont summarise it in a sentence, thats underestimating the issue, and saying i've fully understood the whole thing, but no...lets make it like a discussion, slowly talking and slowly understanding more about it, to only know there's more to it, than meets the eye. lol...life, thats it...the more u think u know it, the more u dont know it, because its more than u think it is..thats why ur given a life, not days or months. i promise i'll be honest, but i cant promise i wont leave out stuff, like i always do. =P

i realised, that the reason i dont dare to step into another relationship...its because i've not gotten over the previous one, and that i've not recovered from the previous one...WAIT! b4 u losers come to a conclusion too fast, like u guys always do..humans, what can i say...its the deception that the previous one told u, ur not worthy of another one. what if u just end up like the previous one...why do u think u improved? why do u think u changed? who told u this is different from the previous one?...who told u u wont HURT this one like HURT the last one?..these words always go through my mind.

and its easy to say, wont lar...it wont happen that way..i've learnt from my mistakes. but there's always this saying of other pple that hurts u alot and affect u alot, especially when they knew about ur last one, they just tell the new one, how u treated the last one, and because they come to a conclusion too fast about stuff, make up a story about u and the last one, was not clarified by you, or even more hiliariously, they dont even have a relationship established with u proper...so this story continues with every next gf u have, and yeah..they use the same mindset to think of u the way u used to be, not who u are now, not who u r trying not to be, but who u were, and who u will always be.

and as much as u want to prove it to them, u never can...because somehow something terrible happens, circumstances happen, u know u and this girl dont work out..sometimes u choose to wait awhile b4 breaking off, sometimes u want to break off, but ur so scared, knowing how pple will come to the girl and say "i told u he was like that"...or coming to u "u have not changed"...and yeah...and my somebody, "its because ur mindset never gave me a chance to change. u make up stories, thinking u know everything!, when actually, ur just a casual friend of mine, that firstly, ur relationship with me, didnt start a trust. secondly, u listen to everyone but me about the situation, and thirdly, u stereotype my b4 even knowing me"...

and yeah....my greatest discovery is these two things...hurting someone is harder than to be hurt...u know sometimes i rather be the one that gets hurt? its so much easier...u get sympathy from pple, u dont get guilt in urself.

second, accepting someone is so much easier than rejecting someone.

okay...three things. and moving on after being DUMPED IS EASIER THAN BEING THE ONE THAT DUMPED THE OTHER PERSON...

contradicting stuff like this, u'll be like "WHAT?"...these dont make the least sense..but i guess so in a while..if u hear me out about stuff before like you go like "yeah right Cliff, just for u"..

starting with the first one...hurting someone is harder than to be hurt. like i said, when u get hurt, pple come to u, they give sympathy, they listen to u...they like "Aww...ur such a nice person..dont worry...its his loss or whatever..and the thing about "there's a forest out there, dont give up just because of one tree" rubbish"...

and what does the person that hurt someone else get "u r wrong..how can u hurt him or her so badly"...okay. its just "her" for me in case some pple think i'm BI...and no matter what the case was, u r WRONG. period. there's no explanation for it. they will say as much as they want about "oh..at least u hurt her once u knew it, its better earlier than later". but in their eyes, ur just a heartbreaker. no matter what ur reasons were for not wanting to be with that someone. unless they are rational and think for awhile "oh..u dont like her?..thats why i guess"...and u can give me the whole talk about "u gave the wrong signs to pple". true, sometimes that true. but most of the time, it doesnt need wrong signs or misleading pple to get them to like u. and thats sucks..

and what hurting someone else does to me? it makes me cry. okay, maybe i cry alot. maybe sometimes i get emotional very easily, as much as i put a strong front, but definitely, i know what it feels to be rejected. and i didnt like the feeling when i was young, those two times i got rejected, it was enough for me manz...i can tell u, i wont even want to go into detail with u now...the shame, the pride-hurting, the embarassment, the heartbreaking, etc etc...it sucked...i know what its like, thats why i hate it when pple i dont like, like me.

i do go to some certain extents to take care of such pple, and try to make their dreams come true, but i know i cant. i cant be the one for them. to me, sometimes i dont care abt my own feelings, i rather pple get what they want. and sometimes, thats what hurts pple the most, when i snap out of it and know there's no love on my side for it.

and secondly, accepting is much more easier than rejecting. rejecting makes u feel like u hurt someone so badly. its almost like the first point, but what i want to say is that accepting is so much easier. because u know u made someone happy, while rejecting, u know u hurt someone badly. that actually loves u. that actually knows what love is...

and dumping, when u dump someone, its easier to move for the person that got dumped, their mindset is like "hey, i know i put my heart into this", pple will come to them, help them up, and tell them the "there are better guys out there, its his loss" shit...and u know u tried ur best to love that person, even when u tell the next person u love, the person respects ur love u showed for the other one. and really, u can really put down stuff, other than getting over the hurt. but...

dumping someone, u never thought about how hard it is to move on, u know u dumped someone, the guilt is forever in u, u know u made a mistake, u know maybe u never knew the meaning of love, to you, pple come to u, shout at u about how u hurt that girl, how u shouldnt have broken up, or should have knew it earlier. but come on, if i knew it earlier, u think i would have waited this long to break up?...

some pple just think "u should have considered that b4 the relationship started". its not that easy manz. or why do pple wait a few years b4 they actually break up sometimes? sometimes, u will never know as friends. while casual dating is wrong. and i dont agree with the "since u make a decision to be with her, stick to it". unless ur married. its not that once i see problems, i break up straight, i do persist, i only break up when i know i cant take it anymore. come on, i have love on my side too. i love that person too, why would i give up just because i kknow there's a small prob. sometimes i even break up, wishing we could've worked out.

i just duno, its not as easy as it seems.

my mind is real dead, had a whole day of going downtown with my guy friend. once in a week. shopping can tire u out manz. i wanted to talk about this clearly, either my mind is dead, or i'm not sure what i'm saying either. thanks for getting so far.

my main point is just that its hard to move on, knowing u hurt someone in the past. as much as u dont want to accept pple's saying of u to be a "playboy" or someone that doesnt understand love, sometimes u struggle with such comments so much with not wanting to accept, just like accepting someone, its really easier to accept. as much as u know u wont do the same thing again, but as much as u love someone new as much, u know u dont want to bring her through such pain.

pen off.

yellowcard

Monday, July 14, 2008
7/14/2008 02:57:00 PM

hey guys. a new start, a new beginning. and a random opening to a new blog entry. i dont know what thats for. but i guess it good to start anew everyday. lol.

entering university manz..cant believe it. while i'm blogging here while having holidays, bored i guess. not really, its fun, but yeah. my money management is bad, so i've decided to slack at home most of the time until i get a job. got my resume all sent out a few days, but i guess if i still dont get any replies soon, i'll go for more choices. i guess maybe, i might want to go back to retail. it was not that bad, in fact i liked it. it was fun, other than because the stupid Levi's store in singapore had me working so much, a part timer but worked like a full timer, because they knew i had nothing better to do, after National Service, i guess ya, other than slacking and having fun, i really had nothing better to do. but yeah, its not fun working retail long hours.

on ur feet the whole day, walking back and forth, although my store was a flagship, and was a big one to walk about in, but yeah, u can walk a million times in a day of 12 hours manz. but yeah, its fun giving service to people, as long as they dont give me a hard time. can just remember the last time i had a bad day, which was my last day of work at Levi's, not exactly last day, but i made it my last day, three days before my official "get fired" date. but no, i was not fired, come on, my sales were records even though i was only there for one mth, why would i get fired? they should beg me to stay. part timer - cheap labour and good sales manz..so funny how they came up with a logic that when i came for work, people will start buying more. but yeah, i had an 8 hours session, that i didnt sell a thing. i guess cos it was a weekday morning shift. oh ya, no i didnt sell nothing, it was not $0, i made a sale...i remember i did, before leaving, i finished my work at 5 that day. but i stayed till 5:30 just to nail a deal that i was halfway thru. haha...who wouldnt want a part timer like that manz..

remembered other part timers that just left when the time is up, like even if they are halfway putting back stock or something, they will just leave the clothes wherever, for example, 5pm, they were. the nearest surface or something. but yeah, i guess i either do my best, or i rather not do at all. thats my mentality. its against my principles to do things half-heartedly.

but yeah, wow...i wandered off very far from my point. yeah the last day of work. i attended to this China woman, okay. maybe late 20s. i was nice to her okay. i was real nice, and she was kinda nice too, haha, maybe because she's a slut and there's a guy instead of a girl attending to her in the women's department of the shop. okay, i dont say she's a slut for no reason k? but she really acted and looked like one. she was like wearing super short skirt, those that u can say "never wear also the same" those kind of things. then she was wearing a top. erm, more like a spider web manz. u know those kinda tops that have million holes in it. okay, u dunno. because this is the first time i saw it too. its really like spider web, the "strings" are so thin, u really, dont have to wear that, u can do without it.

and yeah, inside of course bra. i dunno how to explain this to u, but its like wearing a bra, and thinking to urself "thats too little", ahh...i want to show the bra, but i gotta wear a top, lets cut big big holes in it.

okay. and i was nice despite the way i thought of her. she changed in the fitting room, and everytime she opened the door, i looked away. because the way she talked to her other slutty china friend(okay no offence to china pple k, i love u guys.), it was obvious she needed help with putting on the stuff. i mean if u cant fit into the jeans, get a bigger no.!

okay, then she was pondering whether she should alter it, i was so tired, because it was like at 10pm already, and the shop is officially already closed, just that we close up till 1030 or even eleven(on this day) b4 leaving, and they obviously didnt care. they were obviously hitting the clubs, because when they came in, they were like "its okay, its still early, lets shop first". sluts.

then she asked me whether she should alter, of course i was like "erm..nayz...i think it looks fine". i almost tricked her into it, because obviously i didnt want to alter for her, i wanted to go home manz. just buy it and leave manz!

but she looked a few more times, she was like "i guess i should, i dont want to come back for it". and for ur info, mainland chinese that come to this shop, are rich. they just pick up stuff, and leave wearing it. but obviously, no sense of style, because everytime on them, is Levi's. but i guess we couldnt care less, we're earning manz..

then i took the measurements, trying not to look at inappropriate body parts or whatever. and not get too near to her. i had to be at the feet of a slut, what a humbling situation. =X then ya. guess what mistake i made, when i finally finished it and nailed the deal. i messed up which jeans was which jeans. i mean, i wouldnt care if i were her, but i said it aloud while looking at both of them "which one was it again?" and i directed the question at her, obviously i was tired. then she was like "are u new here? why u so messy one." and yeah. that hit me like hard, because it was at the counter, and every other colleague was there, and she shouted in my face. i didnt know what to say, my friend just asked me to let him handle it. i was like "what?", after all i did. for ur info, the sales records are recorded for part timers, but are not important, only to me and my pride i guess.

and yeah, that night...guess what..i was at the club too. not the same one. in fact a pub, was trying to find time to hang out with my cousins. but i was feeling real down. emotionally down too with everything happening in my life then, i was at the clubs almost like twice a week. mostly by myself, even though i knew pple there. but i didnt bother to find them. and ya, that day. i hate beer for ur info, and i gulped it like water(okay faster than water, i dont drink water fast)...i dont get drunk on liquor that fast, but beer, because i hate it, two beer cups(the big ones), i'm almost there manz. and i had more than that that day, about two jugs. i know marcus was like shocked and he asked me to stop. but i didnt care.

yeah. the next thing, i'm on the dance floor(even though i usually was) and dancing with a hooker. i didnt even know actually, but i decent danced with her. but she came on me real hard. and later when i was drunk-ed out, i sat outside the pub by the streets, puking in the drain, and she was sitting on me. asking me for money. i was like "no way...i just wanted to be friends. i didnt even do anything". but yeah, it was like a friendship, but she obviously gave me the "waste of my time" look after i said that when she said "i come from philippines, i come here to earn money...can u give me some"...haha. come on, ur on me, u should give me some.. lol... my fav phrase when hookers come on me, and start touching me or something, i'll be like "erm...if u continue, i think u gotta pay me" haha...

no way i'm paying for a girls' services just because she touched me manz. intimacy is more like something i want to earn, and closeness and mutual understanding of the limits, should be whats it about. not earn thru paying for it. thats saying i need to pay for it?...no way...at least thats my opinion of it.

okay. got carried away again. and that day, the worse thing that happened..was me on the bar counter, taking over the pole dance role of the pole dancer there. okay. no further details about that night. thats the last time i'm getting that drunk in a bar.

haha. thats for u tommy, to think b4 the night started, u were like "Cliff, u come to this kind of place ar? i didnt know..."...yeah and i'm an experienced pole dancer too. =X lol...and for u losers that dunno who marcus and tommy are. they are my closest cousins including my female cousin Priscilla, that i officially declare are one of the people i care about and love the most in the world.

okay. see how i write my blog entry, i have no idea what i want to start with, or maybe i do, but later i find something more interesting i want to talk about. thats my blog for u guys manz. saying again, what i want to say, maybe not what u want to hear, but if its not, u see the top right corner of the internet explorer or firefox, etc u r using. or left hand corner for u mac pple(if i'm not wrong), the red cross is right there for yea to click.

okay. drifting back to the start. entering university. university of toronto. my so-called "dream school". but not really, just what i wanted to enter all along. but if there was a dream sch, it'll be called "rock school" or "music school". =P

but yeah. entering wanting to take psych and philosophy as double majors. considering wanting to choose Criminology as one of them, choosing three, and seeing which two i love better.

because b4 i go into music and stuff, i'm really intending to become a cop. i guess i still like the rank system thingy. but not army. i know u guys are like, becoming a cop, doesnt need u to know these stuff exactly. i know, but since a degree is needed for everyone to make it in the real world today, and will help me climb up the ranks faster, why not do stuff i really have interest in? Cops need brains too k? even though studies /= being smart. haha. thats nice. put = and / together. get "not equal to". for those that are slow, get a pen and paper, write those one over another. and for those that do not know that symbol "give up"..

okay. enough crap on my blog.

pen off.

yellowcard

Monday, June 02, 2008
6/02/2008 03:52:00 AM

hey guys, i guess i owe an official apology to all of u including her...

not because i felt i wrote something wrong, but because i feel that i didnt write something u guys want to read...

i'm sorry that this blog isnt about what pple want to hear but its about what i want to say, and my honest feelings about every matter. if u know me, u know Cliff only tells the truth, only the hard cold truth. and if u want the truth, thats when u come to this blog. because its my blog, its not urs. and if u dont like it, dont read it. what are u wasting ur time on trying to understand what i have to read, when u dont bother to come and understand me urself, dont bother to talk to me urself, dont bother to establish a proper relationship that is based on TRUST by urself. and instead, u hear what pple have to say, spread stuff about what u think its about, without trying to hear what i have to say. and this is what i have to say, if u think "oh, so Cliff is like that"...i apologise again, maybe u never really understood me.

so i hope those that dont really care, should stop reading this by ABOUT NOW. dont waste ur time. and if u plan to waste ur time, then dont come to conclusions too fast.

i guess what i want to talk about, seemingly is the hot topic on my blog recently. its called SUICIDE. stupid topic. but i dont mind air-ing my views about it. and those that want to go to law or the court about me talking about such stuff. hmmm...on what basis? but do u know what u can go to law about? abuse of drugs, committing suicide or even attempting suicide is enough to say that a law suit can be filed. at least in my case, because both seems to be stupid acts of things pple do when they dont know how to appreciate their lives. i thought it was a secondary sch thingy that pple slit their wrists and stuff, apparently, no!...guess what? the older and suppposedly, more mature pple do it too.

i wouldnt say christians do it, but i guess some do. maybe because they dont really know what they believe in. Living for God. ur life is not ur own, when u think its ur own, then u are corrupting what God planned for u, and taking it into ur own hands, and dont blame anyone then when things go wrong, and things get screwed up.

and apparently, there are more stupid pple that pity pple that want to commit suicide. these pple dont need ur sympathy, what they need is a WAKEUP CALL. and the true meaning of LIFE.

i'm talking about suicide here, because its so stupid with all the stuff happening in the world. pple have lives taken away from them in earthquakes and tsunamis, and there are pple begging to hold onto their lives when that happens. but if only then do they understand how much they should appreciate their lives, its too late. and the phrase if used in this situation is brutal. "u only learn to appreciate things when u lose them". its really too late, u've lost ur life.

and here u are giving away ur lives, when u easily can use ur life to help others save their lives, going out into the world to save the lost, isnt that what we christians are suppose to do? and i think its TERRIBLY selfish to commit suicide, with the knowledge of salvation. u have the blessing of God's grace upon u, u've heard the good news, and now u r not going to continue to pass it on, and instead, u not only run away from the world, but u take that precious gift with u, without understanding what it really meant to be saved and to CREATED FOR A REASON.

even without putting christianity in the context, u can have goals like volunteering to help stuff like the earthquakes and stuff. working to earn money to salvage such pple and help them start their lives again. but u choose not to help them, but end ur own life. not only not offering help, but saying that the LIFE they are holding onto no matter what they've been through, the hope they have in life, means nothing to you.

picture this. A scientist creating a robot for the usage of maybe, pathetically, just taking up space and sadly, just someone that is there so that the scientist feels like someone is around. the only thing the robot can do is just say Hi everytime it feels the scientist's presence in this place. okay thats pathetic but yeah, u dont see how much it means for the scientist to just feel acknowledged. what seems small to u, can be alot to a lonely scientist. but thats besides the point.

instead of serving its purpose, the robot stops saying Hi, choose to self Destruct by banging himself against the wall or something, does not acknowledge his purpose and just self-destructs. how would this scientist feel? he made him with effort, and he made him to serve a purpose, but it didnt recognise its worth and its purpose, but instead, self-destructed. i think this scientist would feel very sad about it.

okay, a very stupid story, but how about this story, someone called God. high above. uses 6 days just to make everything in the world, perfectly suited for the creation of all time - men. and women of course. He knew every one of them to the number of hairs they had on their head. had great plans for them. but they disobeyed Him. He must have felt sad, but somehow He still offered His only son for them. going thru everything of the crucifixion(read about it, i dont think any of u would want to go thru it). all of that, for you. just to save you. and now, ur response is that u dont want ur life. no matter for what reason.

if u think ur life serves no purpose, its because u are not seeking it and u've not found it.

if u think ur life is sucky, think about those in Sichuan, and count your blessings.

if u think ur life is screwed up, do something about it. maybe because you're holding too much by urself. it wasnt meant to be that way. the bible says only with God, do we become perfect. maybe its because u should submit to higher authority, because ur not worthy of this life anyways.

no matter what happens in ur life, know u didnt deserve to live in the first place, and know that God only allows it to happen for a reason.

and if u think ur life is meaningless because u just broke up with ur bf, because ur life is based on it, because ur happiness is based on it, because ur life is so screwed up, only relying on him, do u feel fulfilled, when you have God in ur life, and that is what u should base ur happiness on, base ur life on, and what fulfills u. ur pathetic. again, ur not counting ur blessings, either that, or u need to get ur life together.

but ya, through every thing that happens in ur life, u can see which are ur true friends, while u can figure out which are there when things go well, but when things go bad, they turn their backs on u. or maybe u thought they were your friends. but to them, u werent anything.

i really believe friendship itself is based on trust, trusting that no matter what the other does, u will always be beside him/her, even if they are wrong, u will go through it with them, knowing they had a reason for doing things that way. knowing that if anything is needed to be change or something, those are the flaws they have, and accept them the way they r.

but what i dont think friendship is is when u talk behind their backs, u dont come to them to ask for clarifications of things u dont believe they did, but instead, just hear what pple have to say. and come to conclusions like that. what i dont think friendship is or what more brothers in Christ and sisters in Christ are, are those that talk behind ur back, discuss bad things about u, neglect ur good points, encourage others to change their mindsets about u, gossiping about u, not trusting anything u say, say they will support u, but end up leaving u, turning their backs on u.

i dont know. but i live by my own beliefs. my belief of being a friend whenever i can, to anyone. even if they hate me, no matter what they think of me. showing love more to pple that say stuff that are bad about me. choose to love those that pple think are wrong to love. do things pple might think is wrong, but is what i think is right, and keep doing it, because thats my belief.

i dont serve pple or love pple because i'm worthy to do so, none of us are. none of us are worthy of life. but since i'm given the gift of love, and the gift of life, i'm not going to waste it, not going to think i dont deserve it and live in self pity, instead, i'm going to be filled with joy because of the grace that God has given me. i only listen to one person, that is God. and God doesnt teach me to keep quiet when ur religion is insulted, He doesnt teach me to keep silent when my beliefs are insulted, He doesnt teach me to please pple for everything i do, and He absolutely, doesnt teach me to waste my life and live it in vain. i'll do whatever i can to protect my beliefs. and committing suicide as a christian, i'm totally against it.

its my fault for promising u everything when i was in a relationship with u, its my fault for making u feel life is better just because u r with me, its my fault to make u think i'm going all the way to marriage in the relationship, its my fault that i cant accept the age gap, its my fault for not doing proper closure in the relationship. i admit everything to the relationship, i admit its my fault and i owe u an apology. but what i do not admit, and what triggered off this bomb that is going off in my blog is this, ITS NOT MY FAULT U ARE ATTEMPTING SUICIDE ON MY CASE. AND ITS NOT MY FAULT U DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT AND HOW TO APPRECIATE LIFE. AND ITS NOT MY FAULT IN FINAL, FOR EVERYTHING U ARE DOING THAT I DONT AGREE WITH PRIOR TO THE BREAKUP. and i wont allow silence in myself without a say in this issue. especially when ur a christian. and supposedly a devoted one.

i've said my part, i promise not to talk about this anymore. its enough on my nerves to continue bragging about it. and its ur life, i've said my part and i've done my part. if u think i should be compassionate and nice like the rest and say "oh, poor thing..dont live ur life that way"..ur wrong, what u need is not that, its a real hard wakeup call. that i hope gets to ur head.

i dont really care what pple say, i dont get affected by what pple say. if they plan to make me feel bad, they plan to make me feel guilty of stuff i dont think was wrong, i'm not falling for that. because this is me, thats how i'm different. whether u like it or not.

pen off.

yellowcard

Thursday, May 29, 2008
5/29/2008 02:52:00 PM

haha..its 3am in Canada. and i cant get to sleep. guess what...because some freaking idiot called me in the middle of the night to brag about her "love" for me...after that conversation, i didnt feel guilt, i didnt feel like "wow, she loves me so much"...but instead, i feel "ur love's pathetic..."...

u tell me u attempt suicide on my case? are u trying to seek sympathy or trying to get attention? because i can tell u, u're getting none. even if u turn up on the newspaper the next day on a suicide case or something...in my mind, u will just be labelled as "Stupidity"...

come on, get real, suicide aint that hard, unless God stops u from doing it, or else...i dont think its so easy to fail to commit suicide. stop ur self-pitying. get your life together...

if ur life is based on a relationship, and depends on it, i'm sorry...ur pathetic.

cant help but think...sorry, i just despise girls that depend on guys for a living...if ur life depends on it, u need to getalife...God is what holds ur life together, not me...and if u think somehow i saved it or even helped u get back on track, maybe u thought too highly of me and i can say something, i'm not willing to be that person. i'm not so wei da...God saves, i'm saved.

self-mutilation, retail therapy, drug abuse, self-hate, self-pity...somehow i feel something..yeah maybe its sympathy...because u obviously dont know what ur life is about...a normal person with a goal or at least some common sense or rationality would not have resorted to those kind of things just for a breakup, what more someone with God, someone who has a purpose to live, someone who lives playing the piano for God all the time. do u even kknow what the meaning of "worship" is? to use ur life for Him?...

its true, we're not worthy to live, but if He gave us a chance to, dont try to run away from it, He wont let u off...He has better plans than creating u just to self-destruct...

and somehow u think i broke up with u because of someone else...nayz, i dont need a reason or two to breakup with u. seeing the way u handle things on a breakup, its a BIG enough reason to say, i dont want such a relationship.

u tell me u learn stuff from me about God and learn stuff from me about how to appreciate ur life and everything, but let me tell u, if it wasnt for God, i wouldnt know it too. and if it wasnt for God, i wouldnt be like that at all. i would be a dumbass that thinks i know everything, but doesnt actually, but i guess thats how majority of pple are in the world today.

so if u are jumping thru the authority system and thinking i'm somehow a miracle in ur life that puts everything together, i'm sorry, get ur life together...ur happiness shouldnt be based on that. the world and its things will change, and ur happiness will always change if u base urself upon something of the world. even me..

and screw u if u think being seven years older aint big enough a reason for me to choose to breakup...i'm not gonna marry u at the age of me being 27 to find out that u have only one year left for me to have to make u pregnant and give u a baby. and yeah, screw u again if u saying that old phrase of "aiya..if its God's will, its okay not to have one"...u love babies, and i somewhat love them to a certain extent, and i'm saying...i want one...but i'm not a baby fertiliser, i dont want an alarm clock that tells me i've to marry by what age because my other half is getting old.

and yeah...to think abt it, its pathetic that u are seven years older and u dont act ur age. u may think ur a little girl and u might think u have looks of a little girl, but too bad, it shows on ur skin, it shows thru ur wrinkles and it shows definitely through the energy u have, that u r getting old...and to have a 7 years younger bf to take care of u, thats pathetic. and a 7 years younger bf to teach u how to appreciate life on ur part, thats pathetic. and what more? having a 7 years younger bf to take charge of everything while u sit there helplessly, thats more pathetic.

really. get ur life together..

and stop telling me stuff about how i affected ur life so badly, that u cant stand up now...it shows how much ur life is based upon its either with me, or there isnt a life.

and whats so bad about being single? is it because ur scared that ur too old for another relationship? if that is so, i'm not ur last resort. and whats so bad about being single all ur life, its better than being a burden to someone else by saying ur life depends on them.

talk about pressure, as if the age gap doesnt cause enough for pressure, u still want to count on someone 7 years younger for life? every breath of life counts on him? my advice for u? get ur life right first b4 u seek someone else. ur other half is just someone u live together, grow together in God. its secondary compared to ur relationship with God. and ur life shouldnt fall apart when secondary things fall apart, God is the solid rock, He is ur foundation.

and talking about ur body being a temple of God? slitting ur wrists, drug abuse, wanting to self-destruct...not a very good form of worship huh? and talk about wanting to go into full-time ministry with me?...more like its because of me...i dont appreciate it...

worshipping thru music is a delightment, knowing God is in ur life is happiness...its got nothing to do with me, its to do with u and God. something must have screwed up there, i'm glad i found out about it.

and dont call me in the middle of the night shouting like a devil on the phone about whether i broke up with u because of another girl? does it matter?...i mean we're over. i'm not accountable to u anymore. and go read the email again. stop running away from reality, i know reality sucks, but its not about external factors that we broke up. its ur age, its how u see things, its how u live ur life. basic things like that.

really. get a life. trust me, even a psychiatrist cant help u, because u do drug abuse, so how does prescribing things to u have any help? u lived on drugs long enough, it aint going to do u any good. because the problem is in ur mind, drugs dont get to ur mind, a change of perspective will. or maybe brainwashing will.

and i didnt pick up the phone while i was sober, so of course i didnt reply u, but in fact, if i was sober and knew it was u calling, i dont think i would have bothered to even flip the phone open. and guess what? i lost the phone u gave me..haha..i dont need it anyways, i dont need money from u. i can earn it my own way, if i didnt have much youth left like u, i would easily have gotten it too. but not thru working millions of hours, bearing the stress with drugs and complaining and going thru all the work with self-hate, self-pity, and no appreciation of life at all. thats not worth the money. and u say u do it for ur parents, if ur parents knew how u did it, i dont think they would appreciate it at all. the way u handle ur life, is pathetic.

i think i gotta add another standard to my choice of my future partner, rationality and mental stability. never knew how much that meant. but i guess i learnt my lessons. i should be like a doctor and go thru the medical history of the person, whether she has asthma and whether she's been on drugs for a long time. and do my whole historical fact sheet abt the person b4 deciding on whether she's the one.

and for those that are showing pity to her and stuff, tell u what? u can care, u can show love..but the prob with this girl, is to do with herself. nothing in which u can help, but she needs to get it together by herself. stop having the only child syndrome and stop thinking ur still 18 or 19. grow up..get a life..and get ur heart of worship right.

pathetic..

pen off.

yellowcard

Tuesday, April 29, 2008
4/29/2008 05:42:00 AM

hey guys, Cliff's back for a writing.

i guess its really time that i admit that i've figured why pple blog other than having nothing better to do. its a good reflection of ur day and really through analysing it this way, firstly, without doubt, ur english and expression of words come out better in the long run, second, ur typing becomes faster, thirdly, u are actually stopping to think about ur life. and thats good. and for those memory-lovers, its good for having as a journal where u can read back next time and actually have a space for yourself that pple can read about online.

and yeah, my reason of coming today, is because i guess i've no one else to talk to. so yeah, Mr Blog, u gotta hear me out. or at least post it up for the nobody to read.

i guess really, blogs are very useful, and i only realised it now, maybe i've always been blessed with pple to talk to, and pple to relate to, and busy schedules to attend to. and i still have busy schedules here, but yeah, having lots of friends, doesnt mean u have someone to relate to or even have someone to talk to about how u are feeling.

just came back from school. from a school where i guess i have less than ten friends that i actually talk to. of course more than ten that i can smile at and know me by face. but yeah, less than ten that i actually talk to. and close enough to be talking properly with? i guess, that will be just one.

but yeah, the problem with boarding school is that everyone stays in residence in school, and staying outside school, somehow makes u an outcast to the rest. because pple stay 24 hours in school. how do u think staying in school for just that 2 hours of class is gonna make up to making really close friends. talking about it, i guess i have an excuse, but yeah, i beg to differ, i'm suppose to be Cliff, i love to socialise. but many times, i guess i fail. its amazing to hear that right? pple that know me, know i make friends like just like that, but yeah, i have problems in certain situations.

just talk about lunch time, which is actually the period of time that i hate the most, even though i have a class at 11 and another one at 3, the period i spend in the library, i'm spending it with books and my laptop, i dont feel that lonely. but lunch time, if u eat in sch that is, u gotta find someone to sit with, or else somehow u feel loneliness dawn on u, and the "u r a loser" feeling when u dont dare to sit with pple u actually know but are sitting with their huge clique in residence.

yeah, this girl that i'm close with, she volunteers to eat with me, but yeah, she sits with this group of girls that i dont really know, of course i could know, and some of which i actually know. but just approaching them and swallowing my pride of "interfering into other ppl's privacy" is such a big problem for me.

that was okay usually, but yeah. today started with me rushing to class because i was abit late for music class, and AGAIN, unaware of a test that was happening today. i think i scored zero for it. but yeah, this time, it was not my fault, my teacher didnt give me the CD.

to think abt it now, thats not such a big deal, but maybe because of monday blues that i get once in awhile, caused me to really feel very shitty for the whole day. plus feeling lonely eating by myself and then pondering how much i miss her.

i know, this sounds like crap. thats nothing at all bad about my day. but i just wasnt feeling very in the mood for anything. its just weird. i have like loads of friends from my bro's university. but almost like no one in my school. weekends and nights i go out with them are so fun, but only to come back to reality knowing that the school i'm facing now, i dont know anyone.

i wouldnt say no one, but yeah, sometimes i just dont really fit in.

i guess i came to a realisation that my life has had happiness only based on making pple happy, but when i cant do that, i feel so shitty about myself. and to think i always tell pple about "love others as urself" theory as having to start by learning to love urself first, i still have so much problem doing that. i wonder whether ego or self confidence is a natural thing, i mean of course i know its based on ur environment and stuff and not inborn, but sometimes i wonder why i dont have it as much as i need or want it.

tearing by myself and having self-pity for myself, its all not healthy. not that i do it often. but i dont know why i cant just always be on the "ups" in my life. why do i have to come "down"...and when i'm "down", i get so "down"...regardless of the situation...

i mean i'm mostly "up" but when i get "Down", it gets very bad.

i'm having the issue of not being able to find a best friend again. or even a close friend. i work so well in groups and being the one that talks alot and entertain pple, but when pple go home, when that group is busy, i never get to find just one of them to say that he/she is my own. if u get what i mean.

sometimes i wonder whether i put up some air of "dont come near", because i really feel sometimes i only can approach, but hardly, pple approach. i dont want to be popular, i've never seeked that i want to know alot of pple. all i want sometimes is just a best friend. but i end up always using my gf as one, and it gets real unhealthy when ur world is just groups or her. but yeah, i'm okay to just have her, but why cant i have best friends too..

argh...i'm getting so whiny, getting so complainy, i feel like not saying anything...

thanks for tuning in to Cliff's crap. i just have to use my method of "Smile" no matter how bad u feel. it works everytime. things get better.

pen off.

yellowcard

Thursday, March 20, 2008
3/20/2008 08:40:00 AM

hahaz.. cant believe i'm starting this blog entry with laughter. but yeah. its a joke when i see how long i've not been using this blog. but once in awhile, i check back to see whether any posts are done here. just for memories i guess. but two reasons that i'm blogging again, one :- cos its on my msn nick...and two :- cos i'm in Canada....yup. unexpectedly earlier than what i expected. and those that missed out on my life and about why i'm here now, doing what...dun worry. thats why i'm updating. been procrastinating, but really. its not easy coping here and stuff and still wanting to blog.

just love it here. winter was in its high end when i was here. with the last waves of snow storms and stuff, some pple hate it, but for me...its something some countries will never get. so i'll count my blessings. even though i cant wait for summer to come at the end of march. =X

been here for about a month or so now, okay b4 i go into that...

my reason for leaving instead of the agreed upon june or july, was because i wanted to up my marks in high school, so that i have better chances upon getting into the university i always wanted to get in. but to say it with the truth without explanation or elaboration, i got rejected by the university. mainly because my math mark in high school was a pathetic low of 55 marks. which pulled down my overall average(which they consider in university) from a high 80s all the way to 70s.

okay..sidetrack, 90s are for either scholars, pple that mug alot, or are generally the smartasses or geniuses, while 80s are the realistic, but i have to work very hard, marks that i can get. cos i never really did well in studies in singapore. two reasons: no discipline, and lazy. cant deny that. =P

so i got a bunch of low 80s with some nearing 90s. and had my math mark terribly low. which i thought was the only thing that pulled me down. but later when i came here and looked at my diploma(an A level degree equivalent) for grade 12 and saw that my geography was a low of 60s too. guess i should have thought of it that way. because one, i've never been good at that. two, if i cant do well in singapore, what makes me think i can do better in Canada? and three, i skipped like 13 classes. which at that time, meant 12 or more classes skipped, can disallow u from taking the final exam, which contributes to 30% of ur final mark. but yea, the teacher was nice. but in this time, in pathetic Bronte College of Canada, it means being asked for detention 13 times or getting suspended maybe thrice. but attendance did contribute to a certain amount of marks in the grade.

okay. so yea, here i am. back to the same pathetic high school. and same place, and u know whats even more pathetic? the school term is like two times slower and prolonged. from being less than 3 months. to being 6 months now. so its like taking two semesters that i did the last time. starting earlier as a semester. and ending later. cos last time it was from med march to mid june. now its from start of feb to end of june. which is like redo-ing my whole high school period, just that i'm only doing two courses instead of six. which in this semester, its like doing two instead of three, at a two times slower pace. i'm not complaining because its more relaxing that way, but its time-consuming. and my mindset is like "i'm just here to take my courses, i can get to know a few friends, but i dun wan to belong to the school, my time is over" and those four last words, are usually what i say to those i know in the school now. that i've been here 3 years ago. and i'm still here now. because of math.

but its okay..the thought of redo-ing that math course was crazy to me when i was in singapore,preparing to come over. but a blessing in disguise was, they dun hav that particular course anymore. maybe its just named something else : "advanced geometry". but yeah, i didnt have to take it, cos according to the demands of myself taking "psychology" or any other arts course in university of toronto, i just needed one math, but i've already done two and the other one i got an eighty for it. basically because it was like kinda of a creative math thingy, which is not so science(the dead thinking of using formulas to problems, which artsy pple hate, because at least to me, formulaes dun work for all situation, and i believe there's always an alternative and differing situation).

okay. so i'm here, the courses i'm taking are law and music. not "law and music", those definitely dun go together. to me, music is diverse. there's no hard and fast rule to it and its a means of expression, so it can be anything. thats what improvisation is to me. and those that say this chord has to go with this one or whatever, dun talk to me. i beg to differ.

as long as it sounds right. its fine. but still, rap aint music. its just a jumbling up of words, that are said in a manner, that sounds nice. they just make use of music, to make it sound nicer. and acceptable. they dun even rhyme or sound right sometimes. but i guess thats diverse too. but not in a way i can relate to.

okay. so i'm here, doing law, and music. law because i think its interesting to know how pple define it, and true enough, there's no definition for it. at least what i'm taught and believe it. and its ironic, because u can twist it. and the babbling of justice, what is justice? i cant define that too. diff pple have diff concept of it. and yes, law is based on majority. but still, like how the blacks came out with Martin luther king's "i have a dream" thingy and battled the fight, who says majority wins? and who is majority when there's the power to influence. and how do lawyers fight on the side that is wrong? and still make the person innocent. thats amazing. and at the same time, ironical about law being justice done.

and music, i'm doing it because yeah...dun have to say it again. but i will. cos i love it! and yeah, even though my theory obviously cant make it, but i worked my way thru the drums and my symphonic background. and my passion to learn, which is passion only for things i love alot and mean alot to me in my life. Music and God. i guess thats my reason to everything about my choice of dreams, gf, decisions, etc....

and yeah..i dunno what grade, i mean piano grade or theory grade i'm doing, but i'm self-learning it. not the best way to go about it when i have pple in my class that know at least the piano. but yeah, it will do good to me in the years to come, when i really pursue music. so its something, no matter how hard, i'm gonna learn.

and one of the tests was memorising composers and title of songs. its not like it was songs that i'm familiar, oh my, how much i wish it was rock, but no...it was classical, symphony. all the sonata songs. but yeah, i made it thru with full marks, not because i know at least a few of the songs like the rest, but mainly because i was hearing out for instruments and different kind of melodies, tempo and intros to differ them. and it was not just a few songs. it was like a CD. 15 songs. so okay, now i know more classical songs. but, so what? =X unless i want to go to sleep with them.

and thats abt school. but its not that bad, starting school at 10am, and ending it at 1pm. and that includes lunch from 1230-1pm. so ya. like two hours of class everyday. seems fine to me. until today, that my teacher is leaving, and they are changing one of the one hour periods to 3-4:30. which is gonna suck. gonna extend my hours from 3hours to 5 hours in school. okay not so bad like the teacher comforting me with "then u have more time at school, u can use the library to study"...yeah..but i rather do it at home. okay i didnt say that. but i wish i did. i just gave her the "i'm in no position to say anything anyways" when she asked me whether i'm okay. but ya, its true in the rights and freedoms of a man, that u can speak ur mind, and in CAnada, even more so, but i guess there are situations that its harder to keep silent than speaking up, but for the greater good.

so other than school, my youth fellowship here. not really mine, but yeah, its the university's one. the one my bro created in the last few years, okay. more like God used him for it. but really, its been very influential on me ever since i've been here. being able to pray out loud, learning to take courage to pray out loud in a group everytime they say "we'll just use this time to pray, and if the Holy spirit touches u guys, i hope for two or three people to pray out loud, before i summarise in prayer for all of us". and yeah, most of the occasions, i challenge myself to be that someone. because it takes great courage to lead, and even greater courage to pray, and even greater greater courage to pray in a language you're not as good in. which to me, has been mandarin.

but the funny thing is, i'm so used to mandarin now, even when i speak english on a daily basis now, its like i find myself stuck finding the right words to use. maybe cos true, my church in singapore uses chinese, which a big part of my life is involved in, and my buddies in singapore, use chinese too. so yea, naturally, only with my gf recently, have i used english more. and now, Canada. but yea, with her, i can switch b/w both most of the time.

the yf here is called ccf. Chinese christian youth. its on campus in the university, which i'm yet to be in yet. i guess i've been to quite a few things that are university stuff, that i'm not officially in yet. like the korean CM2007 last year. hahaz... but yea, i can look the part, so i'm alright.

so yeah, we meet on tuesdays for the full chinese thingy, so only those that know chinese, i mean mandarin, will come for it. and yeah, fridays for the english one. because its amazing how much of the ccf doesnt know mandarin or any chinese dialects at all. but come for it. so yeah, we have to use a language everyone knows. which is, English. and yeah, in my church on sundays, there's mandarin and a translator that says the Canto version. so ya. its funny how pple mix up the Canto accent and even Canto words with the Mandarin language. especially when they speak both and sometimes more of one, most often Canto, and less of mandarin. u gotta hear it for urself, i cant describe it here.

but yeah. the ccf has really been a blessing to me ever since i came, with a welcome dinner the next day i came. and so many sessions thru the week. i dun feel alone at all. and even when i do, i'm not, because i believe God's always with me. my family and hopefully, friends back in singapore, praying for me. how many people can say that? and i've yet to count my other blessings. which are really overflowing. and i only have God to thank for that.

so remember, anytime u feel sad or depressed abt ur life, count ur blessings, not what u dun have, but what u dun have. and what worse case situations or scenarios u could've gotten into. and u will know, ur not that bad. most importantly, do it with an optimistic thinking. dunno what is optimism? smile even when u dun wan to. and even when its hard to. i know its fake. but it'll brighten up ur world. trust me, i've been thru army, took away my freedom, at least for the period until my sergeant course almost ended and had a stupid tailbone injury, but yeah, still wasnt easy. and then, the smile worked for me. so unless ur imprisoned or in deep waters that could mean death, i dunno why u are feeling depressed. maybe because u make urself feel miserable till the point of death. and still, if ur going to heaven, why do u fear death? and why would u want to live on earth, which aint even 1/1000000000000000000000000000000000000++++ as good as where u can go? but if u dunno ur purpose of living and u feel like u live just to die, worry, worry till u shit in ur pants, because what if, there really is heaven? go and find out more about life facts at

http://www.everystudent.com/

i'm sure u can find ur answer. or like me, i've yet to check that website out, but i've better references that i believe in, the Bible and Jesus.

really hope to update u guys more about my life. but thats all i'm going for now. enough for u to read already i believe. take care. and God bless.

pen off..

yellowcard

Thursday, October 25, 2007
10/25/2007 04:52:00 PM

been like two months plus since i've really blogged here? hey guys once again. Cliff's back. whether its crap or facts of life he's gonna talk about, we'll wait to see about that. cos i have the urge to write about my life. but not sure where my thinking will take me. lets just use the normal saying of "let nature take its course". i'm not gonna choose what topic to talk about. but just basically stuff that is "Cliff-fied".

i'm so glad i'm done, okay, almost done with NS. cant believe i went thru like two years of it and six months of shit in the jungle and stuff. to think about it, yeah. i cant believe i went thru that. but yeah. its over. and like pple said, bad things, u look back and u feel a sense of achievement that u made it thru all that shit and came out a better person, or at least survived it to be what u are now. i wouldnt say i gained much from the NS experience but i did meet pple i wouldnt forget forever.

yesterday was my last working day. i just need to go back on my ORD(Outrun date,aiya just meaning dismissal from army service) and do some clearance and get back my pink IC and i'm out of there.

not sure what i really want to do then, or u can say, now. yesterday met up with Marcus, was trying quite hard to get back on terms with him as a close cousin. it didnt feel the same, maybe because he's abit different now, but ultimately, he's still my cousin and i'll always love him. hope he will start asking me out more. and myself too.

cos b4 finishing NS, i was thinking who r really my true friends and who i could spend more time with once i'm done with this NS commitment.

starting NS, u get used to how ur life is taken away. given an 8-5pm job after u somewhat unwillingly gave ur life to the country, u seek life again, which is not easy. maybe its easy after 6 months to go back to ur friends. but maybe my problems of social circle already started when my high school(Poly/Jc Stage) friends are all around the world. and none have come back here with me. most moved on straight to university. so u can say ya, i made them for nothing. other than maybe seeing them next time in the university i go to. but maybe just that few i guess. and guess what, they'll be year three. they already moved on with their lives. just like those that have moved on when i was away in Canada with their Poly friends.

its not easy being kinda of confused of what u belong to. but i guess i've always been like that, i belong to every group i end up in. dun stick to just one. unless they really treasure and continue to remember me. like my sec sch group. as close as ever.

but my main thinking was "do i have a best friend. or even a close friend" that i can rely on whatever i go thru. just one would do. the answer is "no". i have many close friends. but no specific one that is really close. but cant blame anybody. thats how i chose my life to be. no commitment to anyone. maybe only to a serious gf, but in the long run, still have problem commiting and end up running away.

for those that have really nothing better to do or really interested on this kind of person i am. check out the website www.wikipedia.org and search for "fear of commitment". i'm that kind of person i guess.

i just came across it when i was looking up "psychology" topics in that website. u can find all kinds of things pple upload there. but not everything is true. those pple that upload things there are like u and me, just opinionated i guess. so its up to u how much u trust.

and a few weeks of ORD, i was just thinking "do i really have a life already, or when i finish, do need to get one?"...but i guess it was mainly paranoia. all these problems coming up, i guess i'm just thinking too much. its just how i am about not liking to stick to any person in particular and just circulate around different circles of friends at different points in life. getting the most out of different experiences. i may be close with someone during this period, but later another.

i know many pple that question why friends have to leave and why cant they stay forever. but ya, i never do question that. like my friend that went thru closely with me all the training in NS in the few six mths said "whatever comes, whatever goes, life goes on". and i add "whether positive or negative, life goes on, so why choose to go thru it unhappily?". and i'll stick to that belief. especially when as a christian, there's so much to be happy about in life, and there's nothing impossible to solve with God.

yeah, and ORD is like "throws freedom back to u and shouts getalife now". when starting NS is like "now, ur life is committed to serving the country". i dunno manz. it aint as complicated as it is. just that maybe i have alot of time to burn b4 university intake. cos i missed this year's intake in september. so i have to wait like almost a year. maybe its not so bad for others. cos when they finish, they finish with those pple they enter NS with from their polys or JCs. but for me, i'm just an odd one that is going a phase not many or infact only a few pple of my age are going thru.

Come on manz, my batch of my age enlistees only came in like this year for those JC ones. and next year for Poly ones.

but i guess not so bad. still have my friends in Poly, but they may be going thru very different things, like End of year project or Final year project. whatever they call it. so i'm not sure manz. but i guess by the time they get into army, my life should have long went on le.

but maybe i shouldnt worry about these stupid things about companionship, i can go thru life alone very well, and sometimes its better that way. the things that should be troubling me now is direction and responsibilities that are coming my way. University applications, Youth Fellowship Church camp responsibilities, band and music-related actitivities and commitments, finding a part-time job to earn extra cash for now and maybe a more settled and fixed one in January when everyone is out of holiday mood and i should occupy myself more with work and earning my own allowance and savings for Canada. taking the load off my parents. and definitely using as much as my time on close friends, especially when i only have about 6-7 mths left in Singapore. and of course, self-improvement courses : music courses, thaiboxing classes, and whatever i can pick up in this period that i have a lot of freetime.

guess i've sorted my thoughts out in a way or two. and thats whats really going thru in my mind now. no girls to distract me for the time being. and no relationships until i dunno when, but i really know i dun wan those unnecessary stuff to jam up my emotions and my focus in life for now. but i guess socialising and making much much more friends is inevitable now. just gotta get used to living the normal life i used to live last time.

did have a stupid thinking of just signing on with the army, but that would be only cos i give in to my stupid thinkings of life serves no meaning anyways, so just do routine schedules everyday. nayz. that will suck.

had a very stupid dream yesterday. it was about her. cant believe at last i got my freedom and life's brightening up and my first dream is about her. about loving her once again, but her mum always beating her up just because i'm a christian. the religious differences of a Catholic. it was a very happy dream, until the beating up came, and i ran away. just to get her out of trouble. almost significantly like the real story, but just a little more tragical. much more i would say. pathetic.

and dreams are supposedly in my opinion, what u really want in life, ur greatest fears, ur subconscious self. and what u are thinking about that sometimes u run away from. maybe thats what my dreams are about. guess somehow thru my dreams, God is asking me to face reality. but truly, i think i should. and i'll handle it my way. properly this time.

hope reminiscents of the past will stop holding me back to move on for a brighter future. i'll keep myself in check. thanks for reading.

pen off.

yellowcard

Tuesday, August 21, 2007
8/21/2007 10:23:00 PM

hey guys. got so much to talk abt related to feelings. sometimes i do pity pple that read this blog to have to endure all the true feelings of myself stated in this blog. but like they say, the more vulnerable u are with whoever, u more u show u want to let the person in on ur privacy. and in this case, i'm letting my blog and the pple in about my privacy.

but its really scary knowing that i put this email add on my msn nick. and pple that just get to know me, know my true feelings and everything. even though i do only blogging like once a month. but its the true me i state out. it might surprise many cos i do not really show this side of me in my normal life.

was thinking about my social life and stuff. NS has made it bad by letting me meet mostly guys in my term. and especially guys that only play games and most of the time talk about them too. i do feel like a social outcase sometimes. but i know deep in my heart. i dun like games and i dun care whether i'm accepted in terms of their opinion. i'm just not gonna risk myself getting addicted to a game, which means to the computer and cause my social life to worsen more.

used to always be someone that socialises alot. and loves to do so. but a real social butterfly either has a strong confidence and is himself that attracts other pple to him or is someone that acts like someone else to please others and to be the person pple like him to be. i'm more of the 2nd now. used to be the 1st.

and the effect came all the way from (dunno how many times i've said this) the day i broke with her. and in a few mths she went on with her life. i didnt know it would affect me so badly by plainly doing that to me. and i didnt realise the hurt subconsciously made due to that action of her moving on so fast and much much b4 me.

like how bad could that be. u broke with a girl and now she's not pestering u and gotten over u and moved on with her life with another person? isnt that the perfect scenario that u can move on too? but maybe its the worse case scenario due to the fact u haven at all gotten over her. u just stuffed the undealt with stuff under the blankets and thought they would be solved themselves.

it really affected me quite badly. ever since then, i know many many girls i've dated and it was only a one date thingy and i backed off. and during the date, i wasnt being myself. most of the time i was struggling with trying to be myself. which to me is what really attracts a girl. showing ur true self to her. but i've never been able to.

now i'm strugging with personal identity. and whats more? my dreams are being shaken too.

yeah. so much with the "daretodream" thingy. i dun mean i've given up the dream. but everyone in it with me. not only musicians but everyone that believed in a dream coming true even though its very farfetched and dared to dream big have given up. just like how pple say they will stay single cos they like it that way and believe they're too young for a relationship give up that perspective and enter a relationship, leaving me "staying single" by myself. its a hard struggle believing in things pple do not believe in or even many gave up believing on.

can say that my life is quite screwed. have to really fix everything here and there. gonna be easier said than done. gonna be so so hard to do. but like my dad said, "what a man's gotta do, a man's gotta do". random remark.

okay. when ur pessimistic, dun brood over it too long. gets no better. just write everything down or just say everything to someone and go on with life dealing with it. many pple like to push everything under the blanket and think things are solved that way. but i'm not one of those. i rather solve things. either be solved or gotten rid of. or else life doesnt go on unsettled.

and thats what i'm gonna do. pen off.

yellowcard

Wednesday, July 11, 2007
7/11/2007 09:10:00 PM

hey guys. back for another entry. cant believe its been two mths that i've not touched this blog. but actually. I DUN CARE. when did i? until pple keep reminding me to update my blog. and for the sake of the few that actually read. i'm writing this. of course because i want to air my thoughts to the "world" too.

ya shuling. my bday has been over and i should blog abt it. but i dun really remember what really happened. maybe i should have blogged earlier. but i know there was quite a few cakes. a few meals. and generally, very little me being the star moments. but thats just how i like it to be. just a normal day that pple just greet u remembering ur bday and maybe a few presents. but more of a day i can just go out with them and have fun. forgetting its my bday. hehez...and it lasted quite a few days. three days in a row. cos i'm the type of person that doesnt have a definite group but circulate a few.

the biggest thing that has happened recently is making this girl that has liked for close to one and a half year now, get over me. i cant believe it has been so long. and almost a year since we broke. but i didnt really consider it a relationship. cos i wasnt really taking it seriously. cos i'm not the type for a relationship. never have been. and this was taken even more lightly. especially when i could never get over the one in Canada. so i couldnt move on to wholeheartedly liking someone else. i wonder how the one in Canada got over me that fast. but i wouldnt be surprise. she loved Cliff after all. the problem is Cliff. who will love or even like him for too long.

but back to the topic of this girl getting over me. i really wanna tell this girl if u r reading this, u were a very nice girl and i've always liked the way u treated me. there just wasnt love in it, so it didnt work out. and many other reasons. i just thank you for taking care of me the way u did for that period of time. i know i tried my best to do so to u too. but i couldnt bring myself to love u. i'm really sorry. we're just not meant to be.

but really if my future wife even treats me like u did, i would be the luckiest guy on earth cos i really never felt such love from a girl b4. thanks alot. but i'm sorry i had to be cruel and just ignore u and everything. its the only rightful thing to do as a guy to help u move on. and it hurt me to do so. i'm not the type of guy to do that, maybe thats why i took so long to do it. but it really hurt me alot to do that to u. i'm really sorry. heard u like another guy now, hope he treats u better and loves u as u should be loved.

thats all i have to say to u.

and the girls i've rejected recently, i'm very sorry too. maybe its me and my stupid standards of not being able to see the love surpassing the looks and demands of my human nature. but really, ur not christian either. makes it worse. but u gals will move on, its not so hard to get over me. a girl that was with me for six mths seriously could have gotten me over and continued with another guy in a mere few mths while one that loved me for a year can like someone else in a mere week, i dun see how u cant move on. u gals do it better than me =)

okay. enough about Girls. boring topic. yeah i know. i'm guy too. straight and girls r attractive, so it occurs to me to be girlcraze once in awhile too. but thats under control. cos i'm a partial MCP =P

went to korea last week. yeah. i know what u r gonna ask "how was it. fun? holidays ar?"...okay. no. it was not holidays. it was not for fun. but it was more than what u think it was. it was life changing experience.

imagine, okay if ur a christian and a serious one, u might understand. but imagine, 20,000 pple all around the world gathering in a stadium. having meetings and having activities. interaction. partying, sightseeing and gathering as one. ALL IN THE NAME OF GOD. one word to say. it was LIFE-CHANGING. one more word. INDESCRIBABLE. and one more. HEAVENLY. a phrase i mean. A TASTE OF HEAVEN.

all these pple for ur information are christians. not just christians. but christian youth leaders. coming together to worship. really it was amazing. i really dunno how to put down all these in words. i'm trying my best. cos i feel no matter how hard i try. its not a wordly thing to express. its just like i said INDESCRIBABLE. u had to be there. u just had to be. especially if u are hvaing great dreams in christianity.

got to know hong kees, taiwanese, brazilians, indians, nigerians, caucasians, mixed and almost everything u can think of. but not forgetting. the pple from the country that WOW-ed me the most. koreans!

korean girls r cute. really. maybe cos i rarely even see them other than in movies and drama series. it was a unique experience interacting with them. they r very sweet pple. but i would say maybe its just because they're christians or they work in the service industry. thats why they r so sweet. what amazed me was my lack of knowledge of how strong the christians in Korea are. they pray everywhere they go. worship really very enthusiastically and really, are very warm to other christians too. their hospitality was just heartwarming.

why i say its a taste of heaven? cos imagine everyday, waking up to know the whole day u are gonna look forward to worshipping God and just know more abt Him and prepare our hearts to serve Him in the future. imagine the whole day being all about that. and the pple u meet, all are christians. with smiles on their faces, purposes in their lives and very very nice pple, taking christianity very seriously. it was a great encouragement for a christian leader like myself to feel how HOT they are for God compared to me. when i already thought i'm quite HOT for God already. but seeing them HOTTER just inspired and moved me to tears. wanting to be just like them. the christian population in Korea is just so big, 12,000 of the 20,000 pple there were koreans. so it was swarming with Koreans everywhere.

check our my friendster. have a few photos taken with korean girls. soon to upload more.

it was LIFE-CHANGING due to the experience of knowing we're not in the Kingdom of Heaven serving Him ourselves. that everywhere out there. christians are fighting for God. whether its to share the love of God with others or to just stand up for Christ in their daily lives. made so many friends, its gonna always be an encouragement when i see them on MSN and reminding each other about how we should be for God.

made two korean girl-friends from the worship choir team. they are very lovely pple. i really love them alot. every night after the last worship, we would be like waiting for each other outside the stadium, and just hang out for awhile. the most saddening moment was the last night. we just hugged each other and really couldnt bear thinking that 7 days went by just like that. but i only knew them on the 4th or 5th day.

its hard making friends there. unless u got alot of fate to meet each other. u can just make this friend today. and the whole 6 other days, u dun see them anymore. but it was weird how we always saw each other. it was amazing. i switched my "Singapore" christian tshirt with their worship team tshirt. it was just amazing.

i dunno what to say. but i'll always remember what one of the speakers said to me "If you know Jesus, You will love Him. If u love Him, You will SErve Him. If you dont Serve Him, means u dun love him. but if you dont love him, its because you dont know Him".

truly, even as a christian, i would say none of us really know exactly what Jesus went through for all of us. we can see the scene of Him dying on the cross a hundred times but we cry only by what we imagine it to be. but just imagine, even if u died on that cross and had that death sentence b4. u wont imagine living a perfect life, coming down from all that royalty in heaven to die for others and the emotional and physical battle of it all. its not what we think.

but u wont believe it, because u only believe in what u see. but we're not asking u to believe it. we're asking u to have faith in Him. only then will u be able to see. Thru His eyes.

okay. i'll stop here. nothing more to say le. getting emotional. thinking of His death and also missing alot of them from the trip there. haiz. take care everyone. thanks for readin. =)

yellowcard

Tuesday, May 22, 2007
5/22/2007 07:29:00 PM

yoz everybody. its been awhile. like a month now. hmmm... just trying to accumulate stuff to say in my mind to say out into this blog. got so much, but i dunno how to start. life's been pretty fine lately, but thats the problem. its too fine. and maybe i think its fine. when its not fine.

today i'll touch on nothing but girls. nothing about God or music as priorities but straight to the third interest in life. Girls. hmm..sounds kinda boring. but ya, i'm straight. i love the way they r. its an addiction to guys abt girls. even how much i say they dont affect me. they do. in a very big way in fact.

my perspective as stated in my blog always. being single but unavailable. how is that possible is that u have crushes on girls but u take it as an infatuation and it goes away. but i guess no harm. cos i believe it wasnt true love in the first place. or else there's no such thing as "goes away" after a period of time.

i cant commit. i dunno what i want. i cant be the best bf i want to be for the girl of my dreams. i'm too hurt by the past to go on with the present with another relationship so soon. i'm too young for a relationship. i'm going to Canada soon, so it aint responsible for me to get a girl now. and in abt a years' time, go off to where i wanna go, and not come back forever. i'm not gd with distant relationship, so i rather not start one at all.....

a full paragraph of excuses for being single. the list can go on. they are all true to a certain extent. but whether its just a matter of runnin away from reality and the fact of getting hurt again. maybe its just a bunch of excuses as how "Excuses" mean in definition.

sometimes its contradicting, u can say this and do that. not because u're a hypocrite. but maybe u should think it this way. u dun understand urself. u wanna do it that way, but u say u want to do it this way. paranoia i know. but yesh. there's so many things in life that collide. u say u wanna live forever, but when u meet with old age, u rather die. u love this girl to the core, but using loser mentality and think u will never get her or own her. i dun wan to drink, beer sucks. u drink more, ur used to it, and it becomes a way of life, a way of destressing, a way of RUNNING AWAY FROM REALITY.

ever thought how many things in ur mind u think this way, but its cos subconsciously ur running away from something, but u thought ur just like this. this is how i am. i'm born like this. there's no such thing as i'm born like this. u can change anything u want. the CHOICE i say is in ur hands.

okay. i'm going too much psychological and philosophical or something, drifting away from my topic of GIRLS.

basically, i think my mindset of not wanting to commit has so many excuses but excuses like wanting to be single. is due to excuses of "not wanting to go into a relationship and find urself in the crisis of not knowing how to deal with it". excuses like "not wanting to commit" may be either like due to excuses of "not wanting to commit and get hurt in the end" or "i still want to be a player and play around more". mine's the first. okay. maybe its both. cos as i said, how much can u say u understand urself.

how many situations have u been in with the opposite sex that later u realise "what the heck was i doing" or "why did i do that" or "why did i react that way". truly. the human mind is a very complicated thing. thats why i'm afraid taking psychology in university might drive a paranoid and thinker like me crazy thinking abt everything in life with psychology. and the shows like "Basic Instinct" and "23" and some things that have happened in life recently to me aint helping much.

okay. i'm drifting away from my topic of GIRLS. but ya. i think this is more interesting to talk about. let me put down the events and shows in pointers first. in case i lose my trace of thought and then forgot what to say.

-Basic Instinct
-23
-The couple opposite my block
- and back to the topic of GIRLS and something i discovered that i feel for them alot.

okay. for those who watched the movie, Basic Instinct, already. i will tell those that haven. its something like a psychologist helping some patient abt some problem. but due to tbe way the patient knows how to play around with the mind. the psychologist ends up having a problem to deal with, with the patient manipulating him with the problems and end up going insane himself. this is Basic Instinct 2 i'm talking abt anyways. i will try to find the first movie some other time.

but the i liked the way Sharon Stone said "I dunno whose the patient and whose the doctor". and she's hot in the show. okay. the show is something abt seduction lar. but ya. its just scary. cos i'm gonna be a psychologist(before i become a musician) and i dun want to be driven crazy pursuing such an interest.

while the movie "23" is about obsession with the number 23. with every thing happening in life to be associated with a certain number. scientifically proven to be a number that most things can be added up to. some special number or something. just states the obsession one can have with a certain something. i think it can happen to anyone. even an obsession with a certain somebody. it can drive u to kill and everything. and i believe in such things. the human mind is a very weird thing. and i dunno how subconsciously we r affected by the things around it.

as one that believes everything happens for a reason. like if someone's a deaf since young, it maybe inherited from one's parents or due to some "overage" sex or due to some incident. and if someone has fear for something, its not something u were born with, it was due to something that happened b4. i believe no one is negative or positive without a reason. its the things around him or her that affects how he or she is like.

and insanity is not something hard to happen, if u dun take care of ur mind properly, i believe it can happen rather easily. especially pple that cant control their emotions and their lives properly. another worry of being a psychologist = maybe as a thinker, i think too much and already have too much at mind nearing insanity, what more thinking more scientifically and factually and in-depth. in addition maybe other pple's insanity is ur problem.

recently, okay maybe just a few days ago. it was a Sunday. so that makes it like two days ago. i was woken up from my sleep. there was shouting in Chinese like "You're not a man. You're not a man". okay. it sounds funny in english. but its more like meaning u dun have what it takes to be a man or questioning the guy's masculinity. but this seemed more like questioning whether he was man enough to take care of his wife.

Cos the screaming...came from his wife.

it was like one block away. i was woken from my sleep by it. imagine how loud that is. my block is not directly beside it. it had some distance. my window was closed. and aircon forced me to sleep soundly. it was crazy. now even thinking of it. i dunno whether to cry or to be in a state of confusion and paranoia. i dunno manz. but i know i cried at church abt this. i couldnt accept the reality of it. okay back to the story.

i woke up and the screaming was deafening and very extremely loud. the whips were too. i got up and looked thru my window, opened it. and directly across. i saw a guy taking something very huge. it looked like a whip but looked much thicker than that. and the sound of it whacking i dunno what. was louder. just with every whip. the lady cried out very loudly. i believe that would be his wife. very young. i believe he is in his twenties.

i dunno how to explain what i heard. but i just couldnt believe i was not dreaming or anything of this is actually happening. the whips seemed very very pain. and the guy that was whipping the lady, seemed as if he was nuts, and that he didnt feel at all the pain the lady is feeling. and with vigorous actions, he continued whipping over and over again. i dunno. to me, this only happens in the cinema. i couldnt believe my eyes. i dunno. now talking abt it, i dun feel quite well either.

how can u actually whip the one u love. thats something i'll never understand. but i ran to my mum's room, my parents were like, its not the first time. and this is very normal. many couples after marriage go thru fights and everything. imagining myself doing that. i think that day. i'm not Cliff. dun call me Cliff. call me Crazy.

but thinking abt it, maybe there are really such instances that girls can drive a man mad that the man cant control himself anymore. cos after the whole incident, he was outside his unit, like crying or just not believin what he did. i dunno. but i think it shocked me very badly. now looking out my window, just get flashbacks of such things. and i guess children growing up with parents doing that, might be subconsciously impacted to do the same.

thru these revelations, it seemed to me, insanity isnt like, ur born with it. its more like its a possibility to happen to u. so Thank God everyday u arent. its scary. watch Basic Instinct 2. u will get what i mean. psychologists in fact are suppose to be rational and very mentally stable pple. but i guess no one is.

my fourth point is about something i discovered about girls. Self-mutilation seen in another way.

to many pple, at least many guys. its stupid to cut urself and everything. its childish to do so. the only reason we can state abt it is that the girls are stupid enough to do it. i used to be like that too. but recently, got to make friends with a few girls that actually do that.

sometimes, its easier said than done to avoid stuff like self-mutilation, drugs, smoking and stuff that to u, is very unnecessary and maybe very easy to avoid. but ever thought why some pple do it. partial insanity i would say. its a psychological attack to someone. and we should show sympathy for such pple instead of condemning them as hopeless or just have nothing better to do with their lives.

to us, it may seem like "these pple complain so much. they dunno how to appreciate their lives. they deserve it.". but that aint true. to everyone negative and in a depress state, to others, it may seem that their lives arent as bad as it seems. but to a person himself or herself, its a growing phase and different pple can take different level of pressure. what is stressful to me, may not be stressful to u, but that doesnt mean its not stressful to me. u get what i mean.

girls that self-mutilate i say to me would most probably fall under the "bad breakup with bf and a drastic breakdown that it caused upon them that they cannot handle" or "abuse by parents or someone that causes them to feel like they are some slave or something not important in life".

it just made me think, how many times have i broke up with a gf causing her to an extent of self-mutilation? or bad enough, a deep state of depression due to not handling the relationship well and end up backing out and deceiving the girl in a relationship that u truly loved her but break up badly with her in the end cos u made a mistake.

i say that, that would be the biggest and most logical reason that i dun go into a relationship. without knowing how much it can prevent a girl from getting hurt that way b4. one of my excuses would be "i dunno what i want in a girl, too young to decide, so i cant say i really love a girl, it would be irresponsible unless i know she's really for me, at a mature age with a stable thinking and realization of what i really want in a girl".

i guess thats the best excuse due to wanting to be single. even since i discovered how much guys can affect a girl's life in a breakup and a relationship and vice versa. its really an eye-opener. even though i cant stand self-mutilators. but now, all i want is to help them, but dunno where to start. i guess by keeping single especially when i know myself to be not ready for a relationship. i'm not gonna deceive a girl that i am.

humans are emotional pple, but girls r very very emotional compared to guys. maybe as guys, we'll never understand. when girls themselve dun understand why they are so sensitive. but as a SNAG, i wouldnt say i'm not half as sensitive or emotional as them. or since i dun understand how sensitive or emotional they r, maybe i'm not even half ba.

so a thought for u guys reading this, thanks for being patient and reading thru this crap. just had to share it. the thought is think abt life more and the more u live, the more u will find out the life ahead, aint as easy as it seems. in fact, its harder and more complicated than it seems.

God bless guys. pen off.

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